Facebook is obviously more important than me

[anp1005]

I have no idea how to handle this...it may sound petty to others but it is making me so mad that I feel like my blood is boiling right now.

 

I use Facebook Messenger for iPhone and I can see when my bf is online or not. It will say "active now" if he's on there right at that moment or "active 1 min ago" if he was on there 1 minute ago, in other words its very precise.

 

My issue is I will text my bf and not here back from him for 10-30 min, yet I go on FB messenger and there he is as active! He claims every single time that he didn't see my text, but how if he's getting on FB ON HIS PHONE?? How is it humanly possible to get on your phone to go to the FB application, but not see my text?

 

I'm so livid right now. We've been over this more times that I can count and I've told him over and over that it bothers me that he prioritizes FB over me. And the thing is, he's not even doing anything when he gets on there!! He has ZERO activity. We've been together for 3 years for crying out loud! When will I ever come first? I've tried giving him an ultimatum-either BOTH of us delete our facebooks for good or he needs to find someone doesn't give a sh*t, but his excuse is "there are people on there that he can't talk to elsewhere. They don't e-mail and live out of the country."

 

What should I do?? The longer this goes on the more angry I am becoming. All I'm asking is to please address ME before f*cking Facebook!

[oaks]

He claims every single time that he didn't see my text, but how if he's getting on FB ON HIS PHONE?? How is it humanly possible to get on your phone to go to the FB application, but not see my text?

 

You mentioned that you use an iphone but didn't say what phone your bf uses. Sorry, can't do phone support without this crucial info.

 

I'll take two guesses, though.

 

 

1. you're bothering him when he doesn't want to be bothered... so he did see your text but didn't want to read or reply to it. Some people need "me" time - perhaps he's one of them.
   
2. he has other unread texts, so there's always a text icon on the screen telling him that there are unread texts, so unless he's staring at the screen at the exact moment when your text arrives he'll easily miss it. (this happens to me, not on an iphone).
   

[anp1005]

You mentioned that you use an iphone but didn't say what phone your bf uses. Sorry, can't do phone support without this crucial info.

 

I'll take two guesses, though.

 

 

1. you're bothering him when he doesn't want to be bothered... so he did see your text but didn't want to read or reply to it. Some people need "me" time - perhaps he's one of them.
   
2. he has other unread texts, so there's always a text icon on the screen telling him that there are unread texts, so unless he's staring at the screen at the exact moment when your text arrives he'll easily miss it. (this happens to me, not on an iphone).
   

 

He has a Samsung Galaxy S3, not exactly the type of phone you get if you don't want to text people. And if he needs "me" time then wtf is he doing on fb?

[oaks]

He has a Samsung Galaxy S3, not exactly the type of phone you get if you don't want to text people.

 

Ok, so what I said about already having unread texts could apply.

 

And if he needs "me" time then wtf is he doing on fb?

 

Being "him".

 

But you don't like it... and that's fine. You've told him you don't like it... and that's fine. You didn't really give him an ultimatum because you weren't prepared to follow through with it. You've told him you don't like this behaviour, so he knows you don't like it and it doesn't seem that he's going to change. So, are you going to put up with it or leave him?

 

Are you really "livid" that you text your bf and he doesn't text you back for 30 minutes? Or just mildly annoyed? Go and turn your phone off for an hour... I dare you. Then come back and read what you wrote. Does it seem just a tiny bit ridiculous?

[anp1005]

Ok, so what I said about already having unread texts could apply.

 

 

 

Being "him".

 

But you don't like it... and that's fine. You've told him you don't like it... and that's fine. You didn't really give him an ultimatum because you weren't prepared to follow through with it. You've told him you don't like this behaviour, so he knows you don't like it and it doesn't seem that he's going to change. So, are you going to put up with it or leave him?

 

Are you really "livid" that you text your bf and he doesn't text you back for 30 minutes? Or just mildly annoyed? Go and turn your phone off for an hour... I dare you. Then come back and read what you wrote. Does it seem just a tiny bit ridiculous?

 

This has been going on for months, I really am livid. I texted him, there is a decent sized box with an envelope on that phone when you are not using it, in order to turn the phone back on to get on FB he would HAVE to see that message box. Then when I confront him about it he plays dumb and says "what?" like he has no idea what I'm talking about.

[oaks]

Why does he have to reply instantly? If it was an urgent text could you have called him?

[Els]

It's... really kinda strange that you're this upset about your bf not responding to your texts every 10-30 minutes when you've been together for 3 years. Don't the two of you spend time together IRL each day? Why do you still feel the need to be in constant contact when you're not together IRL?

 

I'm not condoning his excuses or lies, he should come right out and tell you that he would like to have some time to himself. But really, I can't imagine needing to text my bf every 30 minutes when he's away from home, when we see each other for several hours every night. If you're in a LDR where your sole method of communication is texting I could understand the problem, but it doesn't sound like you're in one.

[anp1005]

Why does he have to reply instantly? If it was an urgent text could you have called him?

 

He doesn't, its the fact that he gets on FB first instead of texting me that irritates me. Its like FB has to be the first thing he does when he gets on his phone. I'm just fed up. There is no urgency in the messages, its that Facebook is coming before his gf of 3 years and it is happening on a regular basis. If I didn't hear from him for an hour and got on FB and he hadn't been on there I wouldn't be mad AT ALL. Its the fact that he chooses to get on there instead of respond to me.

[anp1005]

It's... really kinda strange that you're this upset about your bf not responding to your texts every 10-30 minutes when you've been together for 3 years. Don't the two of you spend time together IRL each day? Why do you still feel the need to be in constant contact when you're not together IRL?

 

I'm not condoning his excuses or lies, he should come right out and tell you that he would like to have some time to himself. But really, I can't imagine needing to text my bf every 30 minutes when he's away from home, when we see each other for several hours every night. If you're in a LDR where your sole method of communication is texting I could understand the problem, but it doesn't sound like you're in one.

 

I don't even think its about time to himself either, because he texts me just as much. Usually, he's the one who texts me first during the work day.

[InJest]

Your options are:

 

1) Continue to bitch and moan, while doing nothing about it.

 

2) Dump him.

 

3) Accept his behavior, and get over it.

 

 

So what are you gonna do about it?

[KatZee]

Honestly, if this has been going on and there is no change, it's because he doesn't feel he need to. He's probably not responding because he doesn't WANT to. The constant nagging about it is more than enough for him to just ignore your texts, or only respond when it's good for him.

 

"Me time" would mean doing anything that doesn't involve you. It absolutely does mean interacting with others. He's doing what HE wants and kind of just getting away from you.

 

Honestly, if he's not putting you first now, and hasn't put you first before FB then you're NEVER going to come first. He treats you as a convenience. So you can either accept it and stay, or refuse to accept it and leave.

 

I can tell you that the constant nagging, screaming, being angry, having "talks" really isn't working and it's not going to.

[oaks]

This has been going on for months, I really am livid.

 

Well, assuming you've explained this to him and that this was a reasonable time ago and it's still continuing, then we can assume that it'll continue. He's told you why he still wants to use facebook (to keep in touch with people he wouldn't otherwise be able to keep in touch with). You don't like it... it makes you livid. I doubt that it's healthy to be constantly livid, so you'll either have to stop texting him or leave him.

[Million.to.1]

personally... i think there is more going on than what you say. Clearly if you felt 100% comfortable and secure in the relationship, this wouldn't bother you.

 

This sort of thing is more of a symptom than a problem on its own.

 

Do you think he is kinda "checking out" of the relationship?

[anp1005]

personally... i think there is more going on than what you say. Clearly if you felt 100% comfortable and secure in the relationship, this wouldn't bother you.

 

This sort of thing is more of a symptom than a problem on its own.

 

Do you think he is kinda "checking out" of the relationship?

 

Honestly, no. He just sent me 2 dozen roses for our 3 year anniversary. Although, I will admit I'm not 100% secure, but those are my own issues, not really anything to do with him.

[InJest]

Oaks, the OP doesn't want to actually solve the problem. She's here either seeking pity, or to have others agree with her that this is a terrible thing to do. Those of us with useful advice that she may not have the to spine to listen to is being ignored.

[oaks]

Oaks, the OP doesn't want to actually solve the problem. She's here either seeking pity, or to have others agree with her that this is a terrible thing to do. Those of us with useful advice that she may not have the to spine to listen to is being ignored.

 

Perhaps. Well, I've given advice but I'm not an all-wise seer. It's up to her what she does with it.

[utterer of lies]

We've been together for 3 years for crying out loud! When will I ever come first?

 

Never.

 

Now the question is, what will you do about it?

[anp1005]

Oaks, the OP doesn't want to actually solve the problem. She's here either seeking pity, or to have others agree with her that this is a terrible thing to do. Those of us with useful advice that she may not have the to spine to listen to is being ignored.

 

I do want to solve the problem, I'm just not sure how. I do not want to break up my 3 year relationship over Facebook. You say in your other post to "get over it", do you have any suggestions on how to do this? What would YOU do in my situation?

[oaks]

What would YOU do in my situation?

 

 

 

1. I might not get worked up about trivial stuff in the first place
   
2. I might recognise that I was getting worked up by trivial stuff and take a deep breath and calm down
   
3. I might try talking to my partner to get her to understand why I was getting upset/livid and to see if a change of behaviour (by her or me) could improve things
   
4. I might consider seeking therapy for this strange behaviour of getting worked up by minor stuff, because it isn't like me at all
   
5. I might dump her and find someone who was compatible with my overbearing contact requirements.
   
6. I might whine about it on the Internet (yes, I might! it would probably make me feel better... and I'm not being sarcastic)
   

[Renard99]

I do want to solve the problem, I'm just not sure how. I do not want to break up my 3 year relationship over Facebook. You say in your other post to "get over it", do you have any suggestions on how to do this? What would YOU do in my situation?

 

If I was in your situation I would dump him straight away.

 

I personally don't think what he's doing is anything to get worked up about. I have a text sat on my Samsung Galaxy right now that I haven't read. It might be from my girlfriend, it could be from my dad, it could be spam, I just don't know because I've been doing other things, including going on facebook.

 

My girlfriend works in a zoo and frequently won't reply for about an hour. Mainly because she's in with the animals. I could say she puts them before me but I don't because I know she's busy. As long as she gets back to me at some point I'm not worried. I know animals are more 'needy' than facebook but using facebook still makes you 'busy'

 

The reason I say dump him is that you're clearly so annoyed by this that it's something that will not pass. He's unlikely to change because he's doing what he wants to do so you're going to be stuck in this 'livid' mode forever more. If you're this worked up at this point over something as small as this I personally feel that it won't resolve itself now.

 

Yo

[Renard99]

 

Yo

 

Don't know where that little Yo came from at the end there.... I'm not normally 'hip' or 'gangsta'

[truth_seeker]

You need to talk to him directly and let him know how you feel. If he doesn't respect your feelings then you break up with him.

[Renard99]

You need to talk to him directly and let him know how you feel. If he doesn't respect your feelings then you break up with him.

 

What do you say to him though. 'From the moment you recieve my text message please don't go on Facebook until you have replied to me'?

Edited October 9, 2012 by Renard99

[Mycteria]

What do you say to him though. 'From the moment you recieve my text message please don't go on Facebook until you have replied to me'?

Hahahahahaha.

 

This thread is hilarious. I'm so glad I'm a heterosexual woman, so that I don't have to date women.

[Quiet Storm]

In my experience, many men respond better to "actions" and not words. They are usually much more "action & consequence" oriented, where as women are more "communication and feelings" oriented.

 

In other words, talking about your feelings will not have nearly as much impact as an actual consequence will. Having a GF be mad at you, but still there, is not much of a consequence because her anger is usually expressed with words, which often go in one ear and out the other.

 

You are upset about this, and you've explained it to him. He knows that you SAY you want to be the top priority, but you keep accepting less than what you want. That sends the message of acceptance.

 

So from his perspective, you must not be that upset, or else you wouldn't put up with it. Yelling, crying, complaining, explaining, pleading, game playing... all of that means nothing for some men if you don't follow up your words with action. It will be viewed by him as nagging and he will likely see you as being clingy and controlling. He will usually just reassure you that you are a priority for him, but not actually make any changes in his behavior.

 

I am also baffled at your need for him to drop whatever's he is doing at the moment to attend to your needs, but if that is what you need in a relationship, I won't argue with your standards. You have every right to feel the way you do and set your own standards for what you need. He should consider your feelings, instead of not taking them seriously.

 

Instead of ignoring your texts, he should be upfront with you and text back "busy now". He also needs to be honest with you about how he feels about your expectations. If he is annoyed by you expecting such fast responses in your communications, he should be honest about that instead of ignoring you.

 

You should clearly state your expectations for what you need in a relationship and how his behavior is making you feel. Something like "BF, I feel unimportant and marginalized when you ignore my texts. I expect you to respond promptly, and when you don't I get frustrated and wonder why communicating with me is not a priorty for you. I want more in my relationship, and if I don't see changes from you I will have to take some time and space away from you and think about our relationship".

 

You must follow through on the action "I will have to take some time and space away from you and think about our relationship" or else he will view your inaction as tolerance or acceptance.