moimeme Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 If this lady's gonna get $500K from selling her house, she can dang well buy ME a ticket! Yeesh! Link to post Share on other sites
Bunnyboy Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Mintjulep, I am all for helping family, and have done so many times in the past, especially when they show some nouse to get off their a$$ and help themselves as well. The money that think's mum was to receive actually wasn't revealed by Think, and in essence (also see Moi's response below) makes a massive difference in my opinion. You nailed it though, think is softer then I, on all things. No please, please please, make her not a pain in the butt forever! PS.................LOVE YOU THINKS xoxoxoxoxox Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Codependence, enabling - it can happen at any point in life and yes, Thinkalot, it is difficult to have to put a stop to it but any human should be easily able to buy a respectable house with half $500K and put the rest into investments to supply additional living costs. It's not as though she's about to end up living in a box in a ditch or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 If this lady's gonna get $500K from selling her house, she can dang well buy ME a ticket! Yeesh! Don't get too excited, Moi, they are Australian dollars. I don't even think they're green. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Johan - you're talking to a Canadian. They're almost par. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 28, 2004 Author Share Posted July 28, 2004 LOL johan! No need to get personal ! moi...point well taken. Bunnyboy...I love you too Link to post Share on other sites
Bunnyboy Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Yep, With AUD$500,000 one could buy a really nice house out of the city very close to the beach and still easily have $1-200,000 left to play with and invest. The average Aussie retiree I see finishes up with $2-400,000 and their house (and these are the wealthier government employees mind you), so she would be quite well off if she thought just once about anything bar her immediate gratification. Why a single 60 year old woman with a bad back and neck who is on a disability pension would buy a 3 bedroonm two storey house on the beach in beyond my comprehension. I will just keep on being amazed by this woman. well here is another great idea, how about she takes some advice from a good financial planner (not that i know any ) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Don't be silly! You're family - and just a kid! She might listen to some gent who's her age but not some young whippersnapper that's hanging out with her little girl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 28, 2004 Author Share Posted July 28, 2004 if you two keep this up my sensitive feelings are going to get hurt you know ... And don't forget you actually have to chat with me face to face tonight! Link to post Share on other sites
kizmet74 Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 I only read the first page of posts on this trhead. Did I miss something? Cause I never saw anything about how "mum" isn't able to pay her bills and live comfortably, just that she couldn't afford tickets to fiji. You're paying for his brother to go, whats so wrong with paying for your mum to go?? I personally wouldn't want to see any of my family members struggle to make it to my wedding. I would do everything in my power to make sure everyone I invited was able to make it and without emptying their bank accounts. Not saying you should pay for everyone, but why not have the wedding closer to home? If his parents want to go to fiji they can take a vacation and go sometime on their own. Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 My honest opinion? If the mom can't afford plane tickets to a tropical island, that doesn't mean she needs to sell her house to do so. It also doesn't mean that she's being irresponsible with her money. Unless Thinkalot and Bunnyboy are paying for Mom's living expenses too, I don't see an issue. And to me, it sounds like Bunnyboy thinks he's the all knowing financial planner and is more upset that Mom isn't following his advice. Fact of the matter is that the house or the money is the MOM's. Not anybody else's. And nobody else has the right to tell Mom what to do with her money. I'd personally rather invest my money in having a nice home than use it to go on vacations all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 I guess I'm confused. Are you (BunnyBoy) Thinkalot's mum's official financial planner? Did she hire your, or request your services? If not, then why are you advising her at all? It's her money to spend however she wants. If she wants to spend it on items (big or small) that you think she shouldn't, its not your choice. You can't expect other people to live the way you or your parents do, with the same work ethic and money-management style. You agreed to pay for her ticket to Fiji. That should be the end of the story. Thinkalot has already stated that you come first and she will not support her mum anymore. That has nothing to do with this circumstance right now. Giving her mum emotional support and love and encouragement, and a shoulder to cry on when she needs it, is just something families do for each other. People don't have to be destitute either, to need some financial help sometimes. A good friend of ours has a percentage of his salary go into a 401 and other investments. If he were to withdraw any money, or change change the percentage rate outside of a certain time frame--he will lose money. It will cost him in penalties. His living expenses went up (utility costs, car repairs, vet bills, and a large purchase that he didn't need to make, but did in the hope that he would be able to pay for it when it came due) and he found himself unable to pay his electric bill, and unable to buy much food for the month. I paid his electric bill and did grocery shopping for him. I don't have ANY money in the bank right now because we were wiped out with medical and funeral costs over the last few years. We reduced our grocery bill and skipped going anywhere for a month (no movies, no movie rentals, etc.) But I managed to help him out so that he wouldn't have to take a beating on his investments/savings. He paid us back over the next two months. Some people are just really bad with money---Thinkalot's mum sounds like that. It doesn't mean she is a stupid woman, just irresponsible with money. You both have addressed your concerns about this with her, and have (or are going to) tell her that you will not provide financial assistance to her in the future. Let it go. Fulfill your promise to buy her ticket and stop comparing her style with yours, or anyone else's. You can't change her, all you can do is not enable her with your money. You have enough stress with other wedding plans. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 28, 2004 Author Share Posted July 28, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions Some people are just really bad with money---Thinkalot's mum sounds like that. It doesn't mean she is a stupid woman, just irresponsible with money. Thank you for saying that! That's how I see things obviously. Bunnyboy tends to be fairly judgemental on these matters though...and he does not tolerate fools, or foolish behaviour very well. It's just the way he is. I'd like to explain why he'sbeen having a say on the finances. If Mum made her choices, and then was responsible for them, Bunnyboy would be happy to leave well enough alone. The fact is, she makes her choices, but thenm stresses, and does have trouble paying her bills and living comfortably. A lot of trouble. She worries, and I provide her with emotional support and a shoulder to lean on. But it is very tiring and stressful for me as a result, and I am constantly plagued with guilt and worry, because she is struggling so much. She is struggling though, because of her own choices. All the points about having the Fiji wedding closer to home etc are valid. But as I explained earlier, we made this decision with our families, and they are all very keen to go...they love the idea, and are happy to save for the trip. We didnt decide this on a whim. We actually first mentioned it more than a year ago now! The issue with the tickets/accom for Fiji and my mum, is perhaps just a byproduct of the bigger worries, as some have pointed out. On this issue, obviously we will pay and so be it. Perhaps my initial post did not make clear the reason for all the stress behind this, and that it is really the bigger picture which is the concern. I also agree, that it is mum's choice to live how and where she wants. I always support that. And if it were a matter that she could live comfortably and not take holidays, that would be OK too. I have explained to Bunnyboy that considering it was our choice to go to Fiji, it's fine for us to help out. His concern however is that, her financial troubles go way beyond this. His family is also not well off...and yet they manage money OK. Look...I see Bunnyboy's points very clearly...I even agree with him on most of them now, after much thought and even counselling for me, over the past years (on boundaries within families, where to draw lines etc). The only area I would call him on, is that he can be too harsh and judgemental. But he knows that! It's just part of him. We all have our faults...me too! (see sweetie..I'm being fair! ) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Some people find it very hard to watch people do things which are bad for them. Their distress shows up as frustration and irritation. It's not because of ill-will. Have a look at the 'poor me' thread. A lot of people get fed up and frustrated with people who don't do what appears to be a very sensible thing for themselves. Including several from this thread Link to post Share on other sites
Bunnyboy Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 BINTURONG You are right, she does not have to sell the house to go to Fiji, but she does have to sell the house as she can't afford proper food and her medical treatment. This has been an ongoing saga on some of thinkalots other posts. This causes a great deal of stress and onus on us to support, and we do have to help out. This is the frustrating bit. I am not afraid to say that I am good at my job, and when asked for a financial opinion, which I was, I will give it. I don't care if Think's mum doesn't follow my advice, as long as she doesn't then winge to us about her situation and ask for handouts! This is the real problem. It is her money and her responsibility to manage it properly. If advice is ignored from a reputable source, and the same mistake made again after exactly the same advice was given, then that is just plain foolish! HOKEY Think's mum does not have a financial planner. the reason I gave advice is that it was verbally asked for, as pointed out in thinks previous posts! Even if I was not asked, don't you think it would be a little reduiculos to not try and help out if I saw the same issue happening twice in 2 years. Would that not be compassionate in trying to help out a family member? You are right it is not my choice, nor is it my right to push my view as the right one, and I don't expect her to live like my parents or anyone else, but I DO EXPECT HER TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OWN ACTIONS. The victim role she plays is incredible. You are right, some people are just bad with money. But the example you provided of your friend showed no inkling of resemblence to Think's mum who is perpetually in need and unable to do things, like her much needed medical treatments or buy proper foods. I never ever said that she was a stupid woman (i don't think), and i don't think this......what was inferred was that the decision was STUPID. You asked me to let it go. Let what go????????? the fact that she calls thinkalot regularly to complain about her situation and what she can't do because of her situation and how she gets upset blah blah blah...................I see thinks upset after every one of these conversations and she takes this all on board which is understandable...............but to think that this doesn't impact on think's life is rediculous, especially with the position that think is in with her own issues. Of course what effects think effects me too as she stresses so much about her mum and her welfare. Now we are paying for the trip, this HAS BEEN MENTIONED SO MANY TIMES ALREADY!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 My mom was dreadful with money. Drove my poor dad nuts. I suspect that was a major cause of their divorce. I didn't take her side; I thought it was not at all a good idea to blow money one doesn't have. I swore I'd not be that way and, while I don't have quite the lifestyle I'd like, I'm not in debt and can always manage. And heck, if I had my own financial planner in the family, I'd be overjoyed!!! It's this thing about mothers. I bet if you posted that it was your sister, all of a sudden all this sympathy for 'poor mom' would be gone. She's not absolved from being a responsible adult by dint of being somebody's mother. Parents have flaws and they can drive a person bugs. The thing is, you pick your course in life and then you don't gripe about it. If you blow your dough, you live with the consequences; you don't visit them on others. I have grumped a bit to a few people about not having much cash lately, but I also say it's my choice and I'm living with it and if that means I do without some things, that's the consequence of my decision. Thinkalot's mom sounds a bit like mine and I know how very frustrating that can be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 29, 2004 Author Share Posted July 29, 2004 And just for the record....it has begun frustrating me too!!! I've tried being tougher when I speak to her about it...I just find it so hard to stay that way if she gets upset. I end up melting. Another recurring problem has been the issue of expectations. Mum expects lots of things. When those expectations aren't met, she gets hurt, or dissapointed. Her expectations are often very high, or too high. They cannot always be met. Also, having an expectation (ie family helps family) can sometimes mean she does not express heaps of gratitude. Another things that sometimes bothers Bunnyboy. Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Okay, I see the picture more clearly now. If mom isn't paying her bills, she does need to reevaluate her lifestyle. As it has already been said, however, that has nothing to do with the wedding situation. You guys promised to get her to Fiji, so that's that. All you can do after that is let her make her own mistakes and pay for them herself. If it means selling her house, she's going to have to do that. There's no sense in having high expectations if her lifestyle can't support that. Thinkalot, ever think about just NOT picking up the phone? If your mom bothers you that much when she calls, just let her talk to the answering machine. You have a life of your own and you and Bunnyboy are starting your life together. Mom needs to cut the apron strings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 Well, as it happens, my mum is preparing to go looking for a new place to buy, a little further up the coast, next week. She is very down. I think sometimes she has actually been clinically depressed in the past. I feel very sad when I think about her selling the house. She has put much work into it, and the gardens, and I have also spent many happy hours with her there. It is a heaviness which weighs on me. I find it so hard to draw the line. To offer support, do what I can do, and then step back. It's like I am either all, or nothing. And nothing IS selfish...so I am working on finding a balance in the middle...and losing my guilt. My fiance, Bunnyboy, and I are looking at our wedding in Fiji and honeymoon plans, and even at extending our honeymoon by 5 nights or so. I am so excited about it all...but it gets tainted sometimes by my guilt. Guilty for having a good life? Silly. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 It's just a house. It's a mistake to get overly attached to anything material - there could be fire or flood and then what? I'm sad to hear your mom's so sad about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 5, 2004 Author Share Posted August 5, 2004 Thanks Merry. She is. She will be. I just want her to take action one way or the other soon, to start getting things sorted out financially for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts