The Ex that Drop's off the Face of the Earth.

[blue_jay_bird]

The Ex that drop's off the face of the earth. I read so many breadcrumb form's here. But my Ex disappeared like a pff of smoke. It hurts more then breadcrumb, but i hear its better for healing.

 

In the long term it's better, you get over them faster right? Whatever it is i still feel like the biggest, most worthless woman in the world. My sense of self-worth is so tightly linked with him, that him dumping me like it was nothing has destroyed me.

 

I know him dumping me, is not a reflecting of my worth. It's a reflection of...?

[Million.to.1]

It's a reflection of...?

 

Him being wrong for you.

[Svet74]

yeah its def better then breadcrumbs. but it does hurt more in the beginning. Ive been on both sides disappearance and breadcrumbs. Id choose disappeance over crumbs any day

[blue_jay_bird]

Him being wrong for you.

 

That's what i'v tried to think. Then the thought's of

 

"he's just being a idiot, he will realize this"

 

"he's never been with another girl, once he gets experience under his belt he will see."

 

"It was just a bad year, im stronger, i can prove that."

 

"He's made a mistake, he will be back."

 

It's so sad how much disappearance hurts, I want to scream come back.

 

FML

Edited October 9, 2012 by blue_jay_bird

[LostOne1]

That's what i'v tried to think. Then the thought's of

 

"he's just being a idiot, he will realize this"

 

"he's never been with another girl, once he gets experience under his belt he will see."

 

"It was just a bad year, im stronger, i can prove that."

 

"He's made a mistake, he will be back."

 

It's so sad how much disappearance hurts, I want to scream come back.

 

FML

I don't see it that way... some ex's will come back. But it all depends on what happened.

 

For me as the dumpee it was partly my fault for not doing my job. In some ways I have accepted it happened partly because of me and how I acted. It's different for everyone, sometimes a dumpee isn't wrong.

 

But the thing is what can we do if someone doesn't want us... doesn't mean no one else does. But it hurts because we are so close to this person and feel they don't want us.

[ponette]

maybe they don't want the relationship in its current state, ie when we have personal work to do.

 

maybe they don't know what to do.

 

maybe they were frustrated and gave up.

 

maybe they just don't want us. i think, if we're honest with ourselves, we know if we're (mostly) responsible for the end of the relationship. other times, (and i don't believe that MOST people are rotten and have evil intentions) that person is wrong for us (incompatible, a jerk/bad person).

 

what can we do? let go. i'm struggling with that, too.

[suladas]

Mine hasn't disappeared, because I still see her almost daily but hasn't contacted me in well over 2 months in anyway and seems to have no problem ignoring me. It did suck but i'm more at the point now of to hell with her. Funny how a lot of people show their true colors after a BU.

[Svet74]

Mine hasn't disappeared, because I still see her almost daily but hasn't contacted me in well over 2 months in anyway and seems to have no problem ignoring me. It did suck but i'm more at the point now of to hell with her. Funny how a lot of people show their true colors after a BU.

 

 

yeah i def have to agree with you on this one. Maybe its a good thing i see my ex around. Cuz his true self revealed very quickly after we broke up. The real him. the person i didnt know when we were together. of course he tried blaming it on me saying that i made him this way. well his family thinks otherwise. hes the guy that i see him now, and always has been

[not-a-drive-by]

The sh*t thing is that we can't read their minds.

 

There could be so many reasons why they just disappear from the face of the earth. They may be hurting as well, or feeling guilty for having to make that decision, and so the best way to cope is to disappear off the face of the earth. They could be doing it for selfish reasons or to help us move on faster. Or even more simply, they have jut moved on and don't give a f#ck how we feel anymore. We can keep pondering, but only our exes know the answer. Maybe one day, if we ever get along with them again, either as partners or friends, they will tell us the reasons - but even then, who knows what the truth really is?

 

I think sometimes we look and thrive for the breadcrumbs because, at that moment in time, we know that we at least exist in their minds (bad for healing). But when they disappear from the face of the earth, we feel like we have become nothing, not even worth a breadcrumb. And ironically, bad for our healing.

[mvc]

i know exactly how you feel ! was with my ex for 6 years we talked numerous times a day, everyday. now i havnt seen or heard from her in like 2 months. then you come on here for support and see thread after thread of exes getting back in contact and think "why cant that happen for me?".

but we cant try work out why they have disappeared because we are never going to know and will just continue spinning in circles until one day we decide **** this **** and move on.

 

im yet to convince myself that her disapearing is better then breadcrumbs as i miss just talking to her, if she doesnt want to be with me shes not going to be with me but after 6 years of talking daily its become a habit, an addiction, and thats what i need to break

[blue_jay_bird]

"The Disappearing Act."

 

Well, iv been thinking... when I'm i not thinking about this is the real question.

 

And this is what I'v come up with. The Ex does the Disappearing Act When:

 

They can't face the consequences of their actions ( how much they hurt someone they "love")

 

Are immature, and can't deal with a adult relationship.

 

Are scared, and can't deal with a adult relationship.

 

Are cowards, and can't deal with a adult relationship.

 

I wish i could talk to him, or hit him. Their is no Honestly in anything. I feel lead on, never, never. Did he tell me anything about how he felt. He was wearing a mask.

Edited October 9, 2012 by blue_jay_bird

[veggirl]

Blue it is so hurtful when they just disappear and go about like everything is hunky dory. Its either denial/not wanting to deal with s.hit OR they were just never truly into it to begin with. It sucks, either way. It just feels like the whole R was nothing, like you never exisisted, some people detach so easily...it's hard, I know

[olivec]

The Ex that drop's off the face of the earth. I read so many breadcrumb form's here. But my Ex disappeared like a pff of smoke. It hurts more then breadcrumb, but i hear its better for healing.

 

In the long term it's better, you get over them faster right? Whatever it is i still feel like the biggest, most worthless woman in the world. My sense of self-worth is so tightly linked with him, that him dumping me like it was nothing has destroyed me.

 

I know him dumping me, is not a reflecting of my worth. It's a reflection of...?

 

I'm dealing with this right now. This girl I was seeing for about a month. We hung out last friday and then she got bitchy with me do to something really petty. I hate arguing so I just wanted to let it go and move forward and I thought we were fine but she hasn't contacted me since sat. I'm soo bummed out by it. I know its over, my pride wont allow me to contact her no more. It ruined my whole tks giving weekend(live in canada). I just dont understand why people can be soo dumb and judgemental.

[CopingGal]

My ex came back...Yay? No. No way. He treated me worse than before. I wish my ex left like a puff of smoke. Instead after out break up he tried to force me to keep him in my life and psychologically tortured me with ongoing info about the woman he cheated on me with.

 

I'm so glad he's out of my life now. Believe me. He's trash and I'm glad he stays gone.

 

Next time I break up with someone, I'm going NC right after we break up. It's better.

[suladas]

The sh*t thing is that we can't read their minds.

 

There could be so many reasons why they just disappear from the face of the earth. They may be hurting as well, or feeling guilty for having to make that decision, and so the best way to cope is to disappear off the face of the earth. They could be doing it for selfish reasons or to help us move on faster. Or even more simply, they have jut moved on and don't give a f#ck how we feel anymore. We can keep pondering, but only our exes know the answer. Maybe one day, if we ever get along with them again, either as partners or friends, they will tell us the reasons - but even then, who knows what the truth really is?

 

I think sometimes we look and thrive for the breadcrumbs because, at that moment in time, we know that we at least exist in their minds (bad for healing). But when they disappear from the face of the earth, we feel like we have become nothing, not even worth a breadcrumb. And ironically, bad for our healing.

 

That's the only reason I haven't lost it on my ex, or done anything, because I don't know why she's doing the ignoring. There's been days i've been pissed off and been tempted to start being a complete douche to her, but it's not fair to her. I believe it's for good reasons, but can't be sure. I mean the few times we seen each other outside and I said hi she said hi back, so it's not completely ignoring I guess. I wouldn't care if we weren't next door neighbors, but I think being neighbors it's a different situation, i'm just upset she didn't handle the BU better, because if it was handled better we would be able to be around each other a lot easier. Then again, i've never said hi to her in person and had her ignore it, but she does seem to pretend i'm not there a few times and won't initiate it.

 

It's just weird, it's been almost 3 months since the BU, 2 1/2 months of absolutely nothing from her. Not even saying hi outside, because we've gotten good at avoiding each other outside because it's really awkward. Just today when I was getting my mail, she was there and I wanted to leave until I seen she was just leaving. I don't want to just pretend she isn't there and ignore her, but I really don't want to say anything to her.

[lemondrops11]

hm i dumped my ex 4 months ago and, after a lot of trying to explain my reasons etc, have done a 'disappearing act'. Because, i know i do not want a relationship with him BUT i still really really love him. I know if i kept in contact, despite how much i want to, i'd accidently leave breadcrumbs cause i can't disguise the feelings i still have. Because i still absolutely love him as a person, i want him to accept we can't be together and for his mind to heal and he'll only achieve that if i give him no contact.

 

So a reason for NC could be because the dumper actually respects you and wants you to move on since they know nothing you do can make them change their mind.

[M30USA]

It depends why a person drops off the face of the earth. Sometimes it's because they're a "dick", as you've said. Other times they are dealing with a woman who, perhaps, has Borderline Personality and cannot be reasoned with, pacified, or engaged in a mutually-beneficial, adult-like manner...so they have no choice. Kind of like not even negotiating with a terrorist. You have to judge each case separately.

[mpa]

So a reason for NC could be because the dumper actually respects you and wants you to move on since they know nothing you do can make them change their mind.

 

This is how I see it, as the dumpee. I'm so glad I haven't heard from my ex, it would only toy with my emotions. Getting my hopes up by contacting me, then feeling disappointed by not saying what I want to hear? I don't want that. At least this way I have one general emotion and there's no expectation from him.

[suladas]

hm i dumped my ex 4 months ago and, after a lot of trying to explain my reasons etc, have done a 'disappearing act'. Because, i know i do not want a relationship with him BUT i still really really love him. I know if i kept in contact, despite how much i want to, i'd accidently leave breadcrumbs cause i can't disguise the feelings i still have. Because i still absolutely love him as a person, i want him to accept we can't be together and for his mind to heal and he'll only achieve that if i give him no contact.

 

So a reason for NC could be because the dumper actually respects you and wants you to move on since they know nothing you do can make them change their mind.

 

See i'm cool with that. But IMO when they contact you the first time it would be much easier to tell them something short and sweet like "it's over, nothings ever going to change please don't contact me". Actually in most cases even if you did strait NC I think it would be ok, but saying something like the above is definitely better IMO. However if you two still have to see each other on a regular basis, I think you do need to inform them of the intentions instead of the straight ignore. That's why the straight ignore really annoys me with my ex, because there was a bit of a friendship for a year before the relationship and even now we still have to see each other and be able to talk a bit, whether or not either of us like it unless one of us moves. And with the way she's acted since the BU i'm having a tough time ever trying to be nice to her again, and having a tough time not being a complete a**hole to her like she deserves.

Edited October 10, 2012 by suladas

[blue_jay_bird]

hm i dumped my ex 4 months ago and, after a lot of trying to explain my reasons etc, have done a 'disappearing act'. Because, i know i do not want a relationship with him BUT i still really really love him. I know if i kept in contact, despite how much i want to, i'd accidently leave breadcrumbs cause i can't disguise the feelings i still have. Because i still absolutely love him as a person, i want him to accept we can't be together and for his mind to heal and he'll only achieve that if i give him no contact.

 

So a reason for NC could be because the dumper actually respects you and wants you to move on since they know nothing you do can make them change their mind.

 

I understand this reasoning. But this sounds like a mature and adult thing.

 

Maybe im just, upset and miss my bf.

 

But i feel, that problem should be discussed and worked on before the BU. Their was no discussion, i'm unhappy about X, let's work on it. Or, why is things like X it makes me worried.

 

Shouldn't things be worked on, I don't understand this.

Edited October 10, 2012 by blue_jay_bird

[Sugarkane]

I understand this reasoning. But this sounds like a mature and adult thing.

 

Maybe im just, upset and miss my bf.

 

But i feel, that problem should be discussed and worked on before the BU. Their was no discussion, i'm unhappy about X, let's work on it. Or, why is things like X it makes me worried.

 

Shouldn't things be worked on, I don't understand this.

 

I don't understand this either. My ex did exactly the same thing. Never said once anything was wrong. Dumped out if the blue and never contacted again.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Sugarkane

[Sugarkane]

I would've moved on so much quicker if my ex wasn't a coward or I could've snooped on his fb.

[mvc]

yep another one who was dumped out of the blue. my problem is im constantly trying to work out when the "problems" may have started. imo if they love you and care for you they would be open and honest and say they are unhappy for whatever reason. what good does disappearing really do? the dumpee is left with a thousand questions and no way of getting answers, eventually they will move on and forget the pain, and thats when the dumper most likely comes back, time has passed and they dont have to deal with the pain or guilt they should feel for hurting someone

[blue_jay_bird]

Yeah, my reconciliation fantasy's used to be love and happiness.

 

Now they are about pure rejection. I see him come back from a being dumped, from a bad relationship. I'm all like " So, you want to work on are problem's now." "Oh, you understand now relationship involve communication", " I don't think we should get back together" " No, im not with anyone, I just don't think your the right guy for me" "Why, it's just who you are"

 

BAHAhahaah.

 

So Fact's Of "Dumped out of the Blue - Longterm Realtionships"

 

1)The sudden dumping usually occurs when some dynamic within the realtionship changes. (getting married, moving in together, being confronted about the drugs or alcohol, demanding they find a job, making a committment, etc).

 

2) Immaturity. Fact is that relationships simply don't work that way, (aka, perfect) and only a very immature and/or very inexperienced person would think they do or should.

 

3)Some romanticized notion of "Soulmates" and "the One" you really are better off without them. A inability to deal with conflict and the normal day-to-day trials of long-term relationships goes hand-in-hand with the attitude that successful relationships are determined by fate and destiny rather than communication and hard work.

 

4) So they sabotage the relationship. They close the door on you and never look back. And cruelly leave you without any answers. When someone treats you like this, it is some of the worst pain and suffering a human being can ever experience. And you have done nothing to deserve this and remember, it has nothing to do with you.

 

 

And i thought i was ****ed up. YOUR EX IS ****ED UP not YOU.

 

You may have made mistakes in your relationship. But he made the biggest. Open your heart to the idea that it's half his fault. (most likely more then half)

 

Where to go from here... NC. Self growth. And reading this post whenever you feel like it was your fault.

[Leigh 87]

I DO NOT get this!

 

How on earth can you be truly in love and completely bonded to a person, only to ...IGNORE THEM TOTALLY>?!?!?!?!

 

I would at LEAST have the decency to say " look, you have a serious drug problem, I love you but we cannot be together until you resolve your issues. I am not going to contact you and not allow you to get a hold of me for a good while"

 

.................I used the drug instance because that is one of the ONLY WAY I would throw away a person I truly loved! DRUG ABUSE, physical or verbal abuse, cheating, or extreme selfishness they refuse to address.

 

I feel that most partners who just dissapear were not 100% into and in love with their partner anymore; if they were still truly in love, it is very strange to just leave, rather than try to OVERCOME any drug use or serious issue they felt compelled enough to leave a person they LOVED over.

 

This behaviour is totally bizarre to me, but I am guessing it has a lot to do with guilt and wanting to be rid of the other person without having to deal with their pain and suffering; absolutely SELFISH behaviour, if you ask me:sick: