Self-Demedicate to get rid of obsession?

[ScottC]

I have a problem. I've been married to my wife for just over a year now, and we've been together a total of 4 years. She is super great, and I love her with all of my heart. She's beautiful, caring, loving, talented, smart, she's everything.

 

But against my conscious will, I've developed an unhealthy crush on another woman who lives in our apartment building. We know her from parties we go to and mutual friends. She's sort of on the outskirts of our social circle. I'm really sexually attracted to her and find myself thinking about her a lot, without wanting to.

 

I've talked to my wife about this… and she, as I've said, is a really loving and understanding girl. Surprisingly, she says she doesn't feel threatened because I came to her with this news and knows that I want to be with her, and not the woman upstairs. She says to forget it; it's a crush; it will pass.

 

But never mind my wife; I don't want to have these thoughts, and they're really starting to interfere with my ability to do my job (I zone out and daydream), and participate fully in my legitimate relationship. I do NOT want to cheat, or be anywhere near this woman, or have anything to do with her at all, ever. But I can't avoid thinking about her either. Getting physically away from her is not likely to happen... she lives in our building and we'd have to actually move, which is really not an option. Besides which, as I've said, she's sort of within our social realm and we'd have to drop a bunch of our friends in order to be able to avoid her. I don't want to lose my keen apartment and our friends over this stupidity.

 

So here's the question: I take regular testosterone shots, because my body just doesn't make the stuff any more. Without them, I lose practically all my sex drive, a process which would take 3-4 months. I also lose pretty much all my other drives and personality and end up vegging out on the couch all day. Without the testosterone, even watching TV is too stimulating for me. So… do I stop taking it? My sex drive would probably vanish and I would forget about the woman upstairs. But I'd probably also lose sexual interest in my wife, which she would certainly be none too pleased with. Not to mention how little I would want to go out and have a social life with her. But at least I might be able to clear my system of this unwanted and unwelcome obsession. What do you think? Stop the T?

[TiredFamilyGuy]

It's not about the medication. Sure, stop if you like. But obsessional thoughts - this "against my conscious will" crap - are more about emotional conflict and repression, than concentration of vitamin-T. I think, you need a long difficult talk with your wife about your emotional and sexual needs and any other issues in your life. That sounds more productive to me. Ponder, first.

 

Well done for thinking seriously about it, good luck sorting it out before you take this foolishness to the next level.

Edited October 9, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy
Clarity

[ScottC]

I feel perfectly happy and comfortable with myself and my marriage... except to the extent that I'm endangering it myself with this foolishness. Which will NEVER be taken to the "next level."

 

I'm not worried I'm going to cheat, because that will never happen. I don't even like the other woman. From what I've seen, she's a mean, nasty person. But I'm suffering because I can't help thinking about her. I've fallen victim to a crush, which I think can happen to anybody, in a relationship or not. It's got nothing to do with missing anything at home... so I really don't see what placing a further burden on my wife will accomplish. I don't think you can talk out a crush as if I were acting rationally. A married man crushing on an unpleasant other woman he hardly knows is not something that comes from a place of rationality.

 

I'm just trying to think of ways to efficiently extinguish the crush, for my own sake, so that I can get on with the important things.

[strongnrelaxed]

It's not about the medication. Sure, stop if you like. But obsessional thoughts - this "against my conscious will" crap - are more about emotional conflict and repression, than concentration of vitamin-T. I think, you need a long difficult talk with your wife about your emotional and sexual needs and any other issues in your life. That sounds more productive to me. Ponder, first.

 

Well done for thinking seriously about it, good luck sorting it out before you take this foolishness to the next level.

 

OP. Before you even read advice like this consider that it is not coming from a medical doctor or a psychologist. I am shocked that a man would spout something this dangerous and so capriciously with someone else's life. But that is where we are these days I guess.

 

First you should talk with your doctor. Testosterone is the main sex hormone in both men and women, so this should have been explained to you up front. This reaction you are having is not a surprise to me and should not be to you either.

 

You may be the perfect person to understand this, but men with low testosterone and low sex drive can easily tell you to just suck it up. They do not understand how this works and how it feels. So they just spew away like a woman might. Do not be upset at their rantings, they just do not understand what you are experiencing. Just take that with a grain of salt.

 

You seem like a good man. You spoke to your partner, you were honest, and you are trying hard - Keep trying. Will power is a tricky and fickle thing- read these message boards for evidence of that. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant or lying.

 

Men are designed by nature to be attracted to women, so never let anyone tell you that this is bad, foolish etc.

 

What you DO with these feelings is everything though.

 

Perhaps your doctor can dial back your medication.

 

Good luck.

[Later82012]

Scott, have you tried natural test boosters? Some of them really work, nowhere as good as 'T' but some work.

Edited October 9, 2012 by Later82012

[JamesM]

OP. Before you even read advice like this consider that it is not coming from a medical doctor or a psychologist. I am shocked that a man would spout something this dangerous and so capriciously with someone else's life. But that is where we are these days I guess.

 

I assume that your advice applies to the below advice you are giving? I find it quite funny that you are shocked that someone would spout something so dangerous...and then proceed to give your own opinion.

 

I would hope that anyone coming to LS realizes that all advice is coming from anonymous sources, which are most likely less than professional. However, I have also been amazed over the years how someone's amateur advice has been helpful or has at least given me a new direction to research.

 

First you should talk with your doctor. Testosterone is the main sex hormone in both men and women, so this should have been explained to you up front. This reaction you are having is not a surprise to me and should not be to you either.

 

While I agree with this regarding the shots and I don't think quitting is the answer, this issue sounds more mental than physical.

 

You may be the perfect person to understand this, but men with low testosterone and low sex drive can easily tell you to just suck it up. They do not understand how this works and how it feels. So they just spew away like a woman might. Do not be upset at their rantings, they just do not understand what you are experiencing. Just take that with a grain of salt.

 

Actually, most every married man, no matter the testosterone level, understands the "crush on another woman" thing. And most of it comes from the "I want what I can't have" thought process.

 

You seem like a good man. You spoke to your partner, you were honest, and you are trying hard - Keep trying. Will power is a tricky and fickle thing- read these message boards for evidence of that. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant or lying.

 

Agree.

 

Men are designed by nature to be attracted to women, so never let anyone tell you that this is bad, foolish etc.

 

Agree.

 

What you DO with these feelings is everything though

 

Agree.

 

Perhaps your doctor can dial back your medication.

 

Don't think that is the answer.

 

Good luck.

 

Ditto.

 

And I would also add that since this is mostly a mental thing, this should be treated as a mental thing.

 

S&R mentioned willpower, and it is tricky. What is also tricky is telling yourself not to think of this woman. What happens is that our mind then cannot help but think of that which we are trying to forget.

 

So, forget about her and realize that it is more about a mind game than about a physical level of testosterone. I know it is not helpful to say quit thinking about not thinking about her, but in reality it may be all that is necessary.

 

As S&R said, it is natural to think about other women while married. I have had crushes on other women, too. Usually what happens (since I don't act on them) is that I realize how the other woman cannot compare to my wife. Or I realize that this fantasy I have built up is not reality.

 

If you don't act, then in time the crush does go away.

 

One last thing...you say you will never cheat. And I believe you believe this, and I believe you mean it. I would only add that most every man who has cheated has said the same thing. I will say that I know I could cheat, and I set boundaries in place to prevent it when possible. So in this case, knowing that you could find yourself in a position to cheat with a woman you crush on, do all that you can do to put up boundaries preventing this from happening.

 

My opinion spoken from 22 years of marital experience and not from a professional book educated background.

[frozensprouts]

Seems like it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about this and see if they feel there is a problem. If it's starting to interfere with your work/marriage, there may be some things you can do to balance the testosterone level so that is gives you what you need without giving you too much. Your doctor is the one to ask about this.

 

 

good luck

[Quiet Storm]

Trick your mind by imagining that she has a nasty infection or some other issue that really turns you off.

 

For example, when you find yourself daydreaming about her, imagine a huge, pus filled, stinky, oozing blister.

 

Everytime you think of her, replace the positive thought with the negative thought. Eventually, after doing this continuously, you will retrain your brain.

 

It really works, try it.

 

A milder version of this method is to envision a stop sign when you have unwanted or obssessive thoughts. Doing this immediately, every time you have the thought should change your thought patterns. Do not allow yourself to enjoy the positive thoughts for even a moment. You have to immediately replace the thought with a negative visual or a stop sign.

[xxoo]

Another vote for talk to your doctor!

 

Certainly before you go changing your meds on your own, talk to your dr.

 

It's ok. They've heard it all before.

[ScottC]

Thanks, folks. I talked to my doctor today and according to him, there's really no way to scientifically know the target level of testosterone in the body since the natural level varies so much from one person to the next. So while my levels are "normal" at the moment, "normal" is a huge range and may not correspond to "normal" to me. He says I can safely reduce the dose and see what happens, but not to stop. The only way to know when it's right is if it "feels right" to me.

 

For example, when you find yourself daydreaming about her, imagine a huge, pus filled, stinky, oozing blister.

 

Um, Ew. But maybe I'll give that a shot.

[Sauron]

If you have been on TEST for very long why would you even consider dropping it? Besides the lust factor from TEST which I do not think is bad in anyway, there are a number of bad health outcomes from low TEST levels. You are just having a male reaction to a hottie, completely normal. The question is what will you do if you have the opportunity one day to move it forward with this woman? Good luckto you.