Almost 3 years since divorce

[Desert70]

I've been reading people's posts for a few months with the hope of finding pain relief. unfortunately, Even though there are many with similar situations, and the advice is great I can't let go/move on. I was with my ex husband for almost 23 years. I was 16 when I started dating him and 17 when we moved in together, so I technically grew up with him. He cheated on me when I was 19 and pregnant with my first daughter. He promised that it would never happen again so I stayed with him because I felt like he was immature, and needed/deserved a second chance. Shortly after he cheated again. Once again he begged me, asked for forgiveness, and promised to change. Once again, I stayed. For many years I believed that he had changed, until late 2009 when he started changing, hiding his cell phone, and pretending to go to work on his days off. I found out he was cheating for the third time in March 2010 and immediately moved out. I had warned him that if I ever found out he was cheating again, I would not forgive him. He begged and claimed that she was only a friend, but I did not believe him. I honestly believe that if she had been a friend he would not have hidden their friendship.

 

For the last 2 years and 7 months he has not allowed me to move on. He has followed me around to find out where I go, and parks in front of my house to see when I leave and return, and with who. He keeps begging and trying to make me feel sorry for him because according to him he did nothing wrong. I'm tired and want to move on. He is manipulative, and has killed my self esteem. He has told me that at 42 no man will even look at me because men like younger women. I am a professional, independent and self sufficient woman capable of succeeding in life. Unfortunately, due to his comments about men, I haven't even considered dating anyone so if finding even a good male friend is possible I think I've been good at not even looking at man. I'm angry, confused, tired of all of this and seriously need to get rid of this depression. The problem is, I don't know how. How do women my age find friends, dates? I didn't even date before my ex, except for once.

 

Thank you and I'm sorry about the lengthy message

[TaraMaiden]

It's time you took pro-active control of your life. Log his presence, photograph him at every opportunity, and take his registration number. have a writing pad with you at all times, and let him see you taking it out and writing the incident/place/time in it. Back it with a photo.

 

Then - take out a court order against him, to stop him stalking you.

 

You can take control of this, and he's ruining your life because he can - because you let him.

 

You can deny him permission by doing the above.

 

Do it.

[trippi1432]

Hi Desert70 - I'm so sorry you are going through this. Tara gives great advice above, you have to take back control of your life.

 

I would say that your exH has had the convenience of you forgiving him in the past, you've taken that away due to repeated failures of fidelity on his part. He needs what you can't give him right now, forgiveness, however he put himself in this position. This is his guilt trying to control you, you need to put a stop to it. Report him.

 

Your life is not over and his words are only words meant to hurt and control you, as if the infidelity did not do enough damage. Do not allow him to do that to you, take back control. If you have children, do not allow him to talk to you about anything except the children. If he wants to talk about anything else, hang up the phone. If in person, walk away and leave when he makes any conversation personal or to that level of nastiness.

 

Take back your life and stop giving him the power to hurt you. Please keep posting and know that you deserve better than this.

[Desert70]

Thank you for the advice. I have considered a restraining order, but since he is my daughters' father, I don't want to do anything that will hirt them and seeing him hurt hurts them. I know that it's time to take control of my life, I just don't know where to start. My 3 children completely support me, and insist that it's time to move on, but even when I don't depend on him financialy, I was with him most of my life, it's difficult to do anything without him. Not long ago he moved a little over an hour away from where I live and hasn't been around much. I really hope that he leaves me alone for good. He sees my 15 yr. old very little, and I have told him that he can pick her up at a near mall where I or her sister will bring her. I told him that he's not welcome at my apt. I hope he stays away so that I can begin to reconstruct my life without him, even when the pain is stil there.

[TaraMaiden]

You can implement a restraining order to concern you alone. Your kids are old enough to be seen/picked up elsewhere, without your being there...

[Steadfast]

You've been given great advice. Tara's suggestion about taking his photograph reminds me of something I once heard a detective say on a radio call-in show. A woman was being stalked by a man she had briefly dated, and his advice was to take his photo with a phone or a small camera, then pretend to write something down. Do it with a smile...like you've gotten one more piece to the collection. Very soon, the man began to hide away when she saw him, then stopped coming around all together. File it if needed, but restraining orders are often broken and hard to enforce.

 

I'll leave the dating advice to others, but 42 is not old. Neither is 52 or even 62. You've barely lived half your life. You already know your ex is a manipulative jerk. You did the right thing leaving him. Living with a cheater isn't living; it's a slow, miserable death. Bravo for taking your life back!

[Yasuandio]

I had a lot of problems with stalking, and husband having people sit out front of the house. I even ran after one of the cars to get photographs, and ended up severly injuring myself. This kind of thing can just drive you out of your mind.

 

Do exactly what the other poster have told you. Document it. Photograph what you can - always have the camera with you. Take it from me - do not run after a car! It is not worth it. No one is breaking the law by parking on the street.

 

However, following you, and being in the same place you are is STALKING. And that is against the lay. You need documentation. The detective advised me to get an exterior camera serveillence system, which I did. It is not very expensive. Two cameras in front of house plug into electrical outlet. Cameras are programmed to your computer. They read at night, and have motion detectors. the will take video or snap shots - however you program them.

 

I have had no problems since installing the cameras. Yas

[GuyInLimbo]

Thank you for the advice. I have considered a restraining order, but since he is my daughters' father, I don't want to do anything that will hirt them and seeing him hurt hurts them. I know that it's time to take control of my life, I just don't know where to start. My 3 children completely support me, and insist that it's time to move on, but even when I don't depend on him financialy, I was with him most of my life, it's difficult to do anything without him. Not long ago he moved a little over an hour away from where I live and hasn't been around much. I really hope that he leaves me alone for good. He sees my 15 yr. old very little, and I have told him that he can pick her up at a near mall where I or her sister will bring her. I told him that he's not welcome at my apt. I hope he stays away so that I can begin to reconstruct my life without him, even when the pain is stil there.

 

OK, Desert, listen up right now: THE MAN IS HARASSING AND STALKING YOU. Stop making excuses for not getting a restraining order against him. You are worried that doing so would somehow hurt your kids? What he is doing is 100x more destructive to all of you. Call your lawyer TODAY. Not tomorrow. TODAY.

 

Second, are you in counseling? If not, start going. I totally understand how you feel lost being that you were with one person since you were so young.

But this is your chance to shine and show the world, your kids and yourself what you are made of.

 

Third, let me be honest about "older" women and attractiveness. I'm in my early 40s. And, on a daily basis, I'm blown away by how many 40-50-something women I see that I find not only attractive, but hot, sexy, charming, whatever. In fact, dare I say I'd rather date an older woman that some immature girl in her 20s? In fact, the most stunning woman I know is 41. And I bet she will be at 51. So, chalk your ex's statements to pure jealousy, immaturity and it shows the world what a sad, pathetic person he is deep down inside.

 

You have a lot going on, but 3 years is wayyyyy to long for you to still be feeling sorry for yourself. You need to eject this vermin from your life as much as possible and move on. There is happiness out there, despite how you might be feeling right now.

 

PS: This further backs up my self-righteous opinion that no one should get married before 30. This woman was still a girl when she got involved with this guy and was never given the chance to figure out who she was, what she likes and how to take care of herself. At least now she has that opportunity!

Edited October 9, 2012 by GuyInLimbo

[riverratt]

Third, let me be honest about "older" women and attractiveness. I'm in my early 40s. And, on a daily basis, I'm blown away by how many 40-50-something women I see that I find not only attractive, but hot, sexy, charming, whatever. In fact, dare I say I'd rather date an older woman that some immature girl in her 20s? In fact, the most stunning woman I know is 41. And I bet she will be at 51. So, chalk your ex's statements to pure jealousy, immaturity and it shows the world what a sad, pathetic person he is deep down inside.

 

I agree totally.

[Desert70]

Second, are you in counseling? If not, start going. I totally understand how you feel lost being that you were with one person since you were so young.

But this is your chance to shine and show the world, your kids and yourself what you are made of.

 

You have a lot going on, but 3 years is wayyyyy to long for you to still be feeling sorry for yourself. You need to eject this vermin from your life as much as possible and move on. There is happiness out there, despite how you might be feeling right now.

 

I really appreciate the advice here. Yes, I am in counseling; I've been seeing a therapist for about 2 years.

 

I don't know if I make excuses or simply haven't been able to figure out how to move on and be happy. Since my divorce I've been able to do many things I had never done before, such as going to dinner with a girl friend, buy clothes I like, get a haircut when I feel like it, and however I want to cut it. I even went to a night club once. I'm doing things I never did before, but I'm not really happy.

I don't think I feel sorry for myself, just can't seem to find happiness.

 

Thank you everyone!

[Desert70]

You husband is the failure not you. He broke the vows that are understood to come with marriage and your marriage ended when he did that. Go to the local court and say you want to file for divorce and move out. Good luck.

 

Thank you! I moved out within a week of discovering his latest affair, filed for divorce within a couple of months, and have been officially divorced for almost 2 years. Unfortunately, unlike many people here, i can't say "happily divorced." i know it's been a long time, but 23 years of marriage are not easy to forget.

[Desert70]

It's time you took pro-active control of your life. Log his presence, photograph him at every opportunity, and take his registration number. have a writing pad with you at all times, and let him see you taking it out and writing the incident/place/time in it. Back it with a photo.

 

Then - take out a court order against him, to stop him stalking you.

 

You can take control of this, and he's ruining your life because he can - because you let him.

 

You can deny him permission by doing the above.

 

Do it.

 

I totally agree with you, he has ruined my life. Thank you for the advice. I have placed a note pad in my car, ready for the weekend, which is when he's around now days (to ruin my weekend plans). I will do the photograph back up as well. I really appreciate the idea. I will continue with my search of happiness.

[Yasuandio]

Thank you! I moved out within a week of discovering his latest affair, filed for divorce within a couple of months, and have been officially divorced for almost 2 years. Unfortunately, unlike many people here, i can't say "happily divorced." i know it's been a long time, but 23 years of marriage are not easy to forget.

 

Try to appreciate the positives of divorce. You already named a few. They fall under the catagory of FREEDOM.

 

"Men die on the battlefield for F R E E D O M !!!!" (Homer McDonald)

 

Yas

[Desert70]

Hello everyone, I really appreciate everybody's advice and understanding, as well as kind words.

 

Here's an update: On Friday, as I'm going out of the apt. complex where I live, I see the ex parked outside. I immediately stopped my car, started writing, and took a couple of photographs I noticed that as soon as he noticed that he drove away. About 45 minutes later he appears at the same grocery store i went to, but did not ask or say anything. After my shopping I got into my car and noticed he was just sitting inside his car, pretending to talk on the phone. I did the same thing, and saw him drive away within a couple of minutes. This was Friday morning, and I did not see him the rest of the day. On Saturday, everything repeats as I'm getting ready to go to church in the evening. After church he drove back to where he leaves, about an hour and a half away from where I live. I know he went back because a friend of mine saw him there. He called my daughter and asked to talk to me. He asked me, "what's with the writing and pictures?" I responded, "you'll see." Then he told me that whatever I'm doing is st.....id and childish, just like divorcing him. He reminded me of how I'll be alone for the rest of my life because I'm old. I simply responded, "I'll be alone until I choose not to, but right now I'm enjoying being single for the first time since I turned 16, good bye." He just said, "I don't know who you're hanging out with, but they're wrong." I hang up the phone as soon as he finished saying that. He tried calling again, but I did not speak to him again.

[GuyInLimbo]

Bravo! Good for you!! Keep being strong. This guy is a class A loser for sure. He's trying to throw everything at you to make you feel bad about yourself. Don't fall for it ever again.

 

There's one thing I tell my kids about bullies: if someone picks on you, don't let them make you feel bad about yourself. Feel sorry for them, because they feel so bad about themselves, that the only way they can feel better is to put other people down.