I don't want my close friend to be the "one that got away"

[Sonja]

I need some advice and an outside perspective for something that has arisen in our really close-knit, tell-all group ... OK, so here's my situation:

 

To make a long history really short, I've had a few "relationships," but only one real relationship, my first one, which was 4.5 years, to my best friend. We got engaged, and because of various reasons (though we're still friends today, probably closer), we broke up. That (the break up) was about three years ago. In the mean time, I had a few less-than-stellar relationships, and I have a son from one (the guy has been gone from my life since I was 2 months pregnant, which is fine by me). After having my son, I pretty much gave up on all men for two years. So now, I'm really into being Christian, and faithful to God, and I've found a guy in our "group" from church with whom I have this connection I haven't experienced since my ex-fiance. Call him Josh. Now I wasn't looking for anything romantic at all, but Josh and I just really, really .... click. He reads the exact same books I do (a big thing for me), he has the same worldview as me, he's got the same wacked but good-natured sense of humor, he's really into education, he absolutely loves my son and is wonderful with him (and fine with the fact I have a son), he thinks I'm attractive and smart (and the feelings are definitely mutual) and has told me on a number of occasions (he was actually the first to officially bring it up) that I'd make a perfect girlfriend and that I'm the kind of girl he'd look for. We have a bunch of mutual friends and almost perfectly matched interests, I'm friends with his whole family. We have fun doing absolutely anything, or nothing at all, we talk, and we flirt all the time - and we're both really shy; we don't flirt easily. So I really thought (OK, and hoped) we'd be one of those "best-friends-developed-into-relationship" stories, which is the best way to find a good partner. The only catch is he has an ex-girlfriend in another state, who talks to him about once every two or three weeks and is very unlike he is or what he says he's looking for - but they have history, so he's sort of holding out for her to see if they'll work out. Well, my ex-fiance (I know it's weird, but now we help each other in the relationship department) is also good friends with Josh and wants things to work out for us, so he's been dropping hints (since we've only had the hypothetical "I'd go out with someone like you" conversations, not any actual revelations) to tell him to go after me cause he "thinks I like him". So last time, Josh told him that he'd really like to ask me out, because we click so well, but he's not totally over his ex, and he knows if he and I went out it "would be a long-term thing" so he's not sure.

 

So now I'm confused. I really like this guy; I think I could love him. If I had to call it, I would say if we remain how we are, we'll be together within the year ... but then there's his ex. He's not really into her, but he's just afraid to call it quits (his words, not my interpretation). I realize I need to give him time to get over her, and I want to ... but he said he's afraid to break it off in part because of their history but also because he "doesn't want to be alone." (Even though they're only together in name, since they see each other once a year and talk about twice a month, for maybe an hour.) And I don't want him to write me off as a potential girlfriend, and look for someone else when they inevitably break up. So I want to let him know I'd like to be with him, but I don't want him to see it as a direct proposition because then he'd say no, because now isn't a good time. I also don't want to say I'm "waiting for him," because, well, I'm not going to sit around and be a "back-up girl." (Not to mention I have a lot on my plate already, college, work and my son, without "waiting" on a guy, no matter how great he is.)

 

So how do I let this good friend know I'd like to be more (and hopefully get a good response)? I'd love to hear from people who have been on either side (the crusher or crushee) of this situation, and any insights.

[uriel]

Sounds like Josh is torn between his attachment to the familiar old and his interest in the unfamiliar new. Bottom line is: you don't want to get together with a guy who isn't 100% interested in pursuing something serious with you. He's told you he's hesitant about getting together with you because he knows it would be a longterm thing. Believe him.

 

All you need to do is to tell him, when this comes around again as a topic, that if he ever changes his mind, you hope you'll be single / free to take him up on it. Then, start dating or at least putting out feelers.

 

Yes, you'd like to see this man, but if he doesn't want to see you, there's nothing doing. That is, there's nothing you can do to get him off the fence except to get on with your life. He needs to realize you're not waiting for him to make up your mind.

 

You know how many people pass up the old ham sandwich in the cooler just because they think it's been sitting there?

 

-- uriel