Boyfriend lied about contacts, but is there more?

[bewilderedheart]

So my boyfriend of 2 years and I started couples therapy this month trying to work things out. He's 29 and i'm 24. We've had a long distance relationship (different country) for part of those 2 years and we wanted to be on the same page now that he's moved closer (different state). Unfortunately, a few weeks ago (before therapy started) I found out that he has been lying to me about a few things: 1. He had been in touch with his ex(es) 2. He is registered on friendster.com and has been in touch with a girl(s) he had met on dating websites.

 

He insists that he's not looking and that's he's faithful to me. I really want to believe him, but why lie about all this?

 

Now, I understand that he might've been lying to avoid fighting, even the therapist suggested this might be the case. If this had happened last year, when things were rough between us, I would've understood more. But early this year we made an agreement to be completely honest and open with each other. I trusted him which is why I've been so hurt by these lies. For those of you in similar situations, where do you draw the line? I don't know if these small lies might indicate a serious character flaw or just some small hiccup. Is this reason enough to break up with him? I'm becoming a little skittish.

 

I said it's fine to have platonic female friends, but I told him I wasn't comfortable with him being in touch with ex(es) and girls he'd met on dating sites. He said he'd think about taking his profile down. He used to say he was fine not contacting exes, but in a recent therapy session he has expressed otherwise. Do you think it's unreasonable for me to be unhappy with this, especially since I don't have an online profile? I even changed my phone number (upon his request) to prove that I wasn't in touch with people who bothered him anymore, and I haven't been.

 

I know I can't force him to stop doing it if he really wants to, but this is bothering me. I've been straightforward about how it's affecting me and I don't know how else to approach it. What should I do? I really love him but am feeling conflicted about these recent developments.

 

Please help. I'd appreciate your advice.

[Debster]

It seems as if you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

If you believe he is faithful and these women are just friends - yes, even the exes - why do you care? If you don't believe it, then there are trust issues. A relationship needs trust in order to thrive.

[bewilderedheart1]

Starting this past Sunday we were going to do no contact per our therapist. On Monday I caved in and called. I know I wasn't supposed to, but I did and said something to the effect of, "I know you don't want to make any decisions right now, but I really feel that the situation is unfair and I want to be with someone who doesn't stay in touch with exes and has a profile online and lies about it."

 

On the phone I was crying a bit but still mostly calm. And he said something like "Ok, I still need time to think." At first he was annoyed that I had broken no contact but when he realized I was having such a hard time he said just email if I really need to contact him. On Tuesday I emailed him a funny link and said "I miss you." I don't know if any of you people saw the short flash movie "This Land" on jibjab but it's hilarious. So I made 1 phone call and wrote 1 email in a 4-day span. Since then I've made no contact.

 

I really do miss him, despite all the trouble. I really care about him and want this to work. But right now I can't sleep and can't concentrate. Am just feeling numb and don't know what to do. Help! Is it normal to feel betrayed about this kind of lying or am I overreacting? Has anyone else been in the same boat? What did you do? How do you rebuild trust? Can you rebuild trust?

[bewilderedheart1]

Of course I understand that trust is essential. The problem is, he broke it. He lied about these things. It wouldn't have been such an issue if he'd been upfront. The issue wasn't female firends. It was that he was contacting online dates and exes and then he lied about them. Doesn't that seem like an inappropriate thing to do?

 

 

Debster wrote:

It seems as if you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If you believe he is faithful and these women are just friends - yes, even the exes - why do you care? If you don't believe it, then there are trust issues. A relationship needs trust in order to thrive.

[sally1530]

I caught my ex - husband to be with a profile and picture (with his shirt off) on lavalife.com and he was in the intimate encounters area ( saying he was single , looking for sex with local gals) .... He kept this a secret from me , knowing I wouldnt approve, he did it anyway, I snooped... which im sorry for, but had to because he wasnt communicating with me ....and found this secret out/ I got very very mad, name called... which im sorry for... but the next day I forgave him and wanted to work on our trust issues... he acted a bit skiddish... and couldnt look me in the eye anymore...because of guilt, and said that he damaged me beyond repair. He cancelled the wedding 3 days later, kicked me out of the house the next morning ( the morning of my wedding shower) and asked me to give back the ring, I did and he never saw me or called me again.

 

I think that was a bit harsh, because I snooped and caught him doing this...he said I invaded his privacy and didnt trust him.... well I looked in his email to see about the bachlor party... not because I thought he was cheating... I regret my descision to do this , but it was kinda wierd how he said his private email address out loud and password on the phone to his sister, in front of me... maybe it was a set up and he wanted me to catch him so he could get out of the wedding.. who knows... I will never know. Anyway he wanted me to pay 1/2 the wedding costs which would mean I will have to come up with 9,000. I said no. I was honest, loyal and forgave him and was sorry for snooping and wanted to work on our being together... he didnt so he should pay for the wedding costs.. well he hates me now and will never talk to me or see me again. period.

 

someone who truely loves you wouldnt leave you the first time you goofed up, and he did. He abondoned me....

 

Maybe he was hiding more than just that? He said he was asking these gals for naked pictures too. Ugg.

[bewilderedheart1]

Sally, how terrible. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. But I'm also, in a weird way, relieved for you, that you found out before the wedding. Of course, it still hurts big time. I can't believe all that happened within days of your wedding. And how unfair of him to demand that you pay for half after he'd been trolling for sex! I think the worst part is that he wasn't even willing to discuss things with you. Or work things out. It seems like he was angry about getting caught. The lack of remorse is cruel, but the lack of care he showed is crueler. It was weird that he was telling his sister his email and password aloud in front of you. But if he just wanted to get out of the wedding couldn't he have taken the adult route and sat you down and talked about it instead of creating this elaborate charade? How old was this ex-fiance of yours when this happened?

 

My guy said that he doesn't have a picture up and that his profile says he's "in a relationship" and "just there to help." I have to take his word for it, because I can't get online on friendster since I don't have a profile, and I don't want to check up on him. I don't want to snoop, I feel like that would cause more problems. The thing is, he didn't even invite me onto his network. He said cause he didn't want me worrying about the girl friends he has there. Is this a warning flag? In fairness to him, I'd expressed anxiety about some of his female friends before. But i'm getting help in therapy and I've been much better about it. Now I feel like he won't even give me a chance to prove myself and his defensiveness is starting to cause problems.

[sally1530]

My man is 38 tomorrow. I cant believe he would just bolt too... I felt so abondoned by him, his family and friends... not one of them called me to see what really happened... It sucked.

 

God, only knows what lies he told his family and friends... uggg!!

 

If your guy is getting defensive , maybe he is hiding something.. if he has nothing to hide then you should ask that you can sit along side him a few times while he is chatting with these gals.. just to see what the conversations are like.. if innocent... dont worry anymore... if he refuses then ... hmmm I would have to wonder...

 

If you have nothing to be ashamed of then you have nothing to hide.

[bewilderedheart1]

Thanks, I'll try bring up the sitting with him when we start talking after this no contact period. I guess he needs his space. And I agree with you, if there's nothing to hide then he shouldn't be scared to show me. I just want to start with a clean slate. Maybe if we agree to show everything to each other then we'll both stop worrying. I think he worries that I'm online with a profile too, but I haven't been and I've tried reassuring him. I've even suggested giving him my email and im passwords so he can stop worrying, but he refused.