strongnrelaxed Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I know! This is how I felt, too. I thought every woman in a relationship gets chased day and night for sex, and I'm the only one who's not sexy enough, even though he TOLD me I was. I have railed against the lies that men are raised to believe in American society many times here, but I tend to forget that women are lied to about a bunch of things as well. One of the big lies women are sold is that men want sex 24x7. We may THINK about it all the time, but be real - who can actually DO it all the time? Ok, some can, but they are special cases! There is also this unfair expectation that the man should want all of his orgasms with their woman. This is silly and childish, but many women complain about this. It just isn't going to happen for a hundred reasons. I feel for women because they think something is wrong with them because they bought into this BS about men and sex. A message that is sold over and over in supermarket tabloids. Sad, really. Ultimately men wind up looking like sexless losers, porn addicts, wankers, cheaters or whatever the insult du jour might be. This doesn't help anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miikay Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 I know my partner isn't a wanker or a cheater. I would say he is a porn addict because he doesn't watch it all the time! I don't want sex 2 times daily, but come on I woul just like a few times a week! Link to post Share on other sites
strongnrelaxed Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I know my partner isn't a wanker or a cheater. I would say he is a porn addict because he doesn't watch it all the time! I don't want sex 2 times daily, but come on I woul just like a few times a week! Fair enough. That is reasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miikay Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 I was hoping so. Link to post Share on other sites
florence of suburbia Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Could just be depression. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I think if I suggested a marriage counsellor he would crack the poops because he doesn't feel he needs that. He doesn't feel he needs that because his needs are met. Stop being a doormat. Stand up for yourself. Insist on counseling because this relationship isn't meeting your needs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 He's no longer sexually interested in you. Something else has his attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 If he is into porn, masturbating, and having you give him a bj ever other day, then that makes complete sense as to why he is not sexing you. When guys are porn addicts, they somewhat lose the ability to come with a woman the normal way, they need direct hand or mouth stimulation. He needs to cut the porn out completely, and you need to stop the free bj's... think every time you give him one, that means no sex for you... so you are setting yourself up for zero sex. Another thing -- it is clear and obvious that he is not sexually attracted to you anymore. I don't know why, but he will not be able to admit that to you since it is a horrible thing to happen. I knew a man that was not sexually attracted to his wife anymore and he swore he would never tell her that because there's no backtracking from that once it's been said. If I were you, I'd end it with him and move on. Love or no love. People recover from love affairs all the time, and so can you, but to stay with someone who shows zero interest in you sexually when you need it, is very bad for your psyche and well being. The longer you stay with him, the more messed up you become. Your self esteem and confidence will take such a knock, that you will be affected in future relationships, and the longer you hang onto this dysfunctional relationship, the less you will become. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Just wanted to add why you should end the relationship with him -- because he is lying to you. He is lying by withholding the Truth to you. He is not sharing with you his thought processes about not sexing you, therefore he is withholding relevant information from you, therefore he is lying to you by Omission (as opposed to lying to you by commission). But it is just as bad, lying to you by omission, as outright telling you lies of commission (such that he is too tired to make love to you -- that's an outright lie). He is quite willing to continue a relationship with you based on lies. And you are too scared to challenge him on this. You are torturing yourself with questions and trying everywhich way to solve this problem, yet he is keeping you in the dark and will not share the relevant information with you. The only possible end result is for you to kick him out. For your own sake you must love yourself more than you want to adhere to the story that you love him so much. He is a liar and you are allowing him to treat you this way. Get rid of him. Stop being afraid of getting rid of non-worthy, lying scumbags who are using you and getting away with it simply because they seem like "a really lovely guy" as you put it. He is not a really lovely guy. He is no good for you since he puts himself over and above you and the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Georgina CG Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 He doesn't feel he needs that because his needs are met. Stop being a doormat. Stand up for yourself. Insist on counseling because this relationship isn't meeting your needs. This is the best advice so far; your man has stopped trying. 180 on his ass and see if it makes a difference. NO more BJs. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Nope, he doesn't do that! Doesn't like it at all! He did try once for me! See that's love right? That he did try it once for me? I know I probably seem very delusional, but he is one of the most lovely guys ever. He is attractive and loving, just not interested in sex as of late? And by late I mean 8months. Uh he gave you head once in three years? No, I wouldn't say that is love lol. That's pathetic. I am getting to the point where I will just be asking him straight out. Again. I hope he is being honest with me about his reasoning. That he is tired. But I can't help but feel its something to do with me. That he is no longer Attracted to me. Even though he assures me he is. Tell him that NO SEX is a DEALBREAKER for you and ask him what he is willing to do (if anything) about that. Tell him you WILL NOT be in a sexless relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miikay Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 Everyone seems to be coming to two conclusions... 1) get counseling or see a doctor 2) get rid of him. I am going to try option 1) then if it gets to it... Option 2)... Even though I hate the thought of it! I really do. Link to post Share on other sites
MilitantPacifist Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I am friends with alot of his friends, plus it is one of these circles where when someone has slept with someone else, you know about it. Its a reasonably small town! I have been faithful to him, always have and always will! I am really hopping it is not a manipulation thing, because thats not what it is about. I have tried to hard to explain to him that it is that physical connection that I am missing out on. I just dont know how else I could explain it to him. My friends have asked if he is gay, or if there is something wrong "down stairs", all sorts of things! And I have asked him each of them, other than the "are you gay" because I dont believe thats the issue at all! I have been trying for 8 months to sort this out, and it just isnt working and I dont know how to fix it FYI it very well *could* be any of those things. Asking him wouldn't help. Very few men are going to willingly admit they have erectile dysfunction. And the fact that he works in a very macho profession (in the military) certainly would not make him any more talkative about it. If you're worried he has a medical problem, schedule a doctor's appointment. Reassure him that it's covered by his insurance and if he has any issues he should really just get them taken care of then because "you only get one free physical every year." If suddenly his problem in the bedroom vanishes, problem solved, and he was able to save face by not having to admit there ever was a problem. He's not gay. He could be bi (you are, after all, a woman whom he used to have sex with regularly) but he's not interested only in men. A related problem could be that he's interested in something in the bedroom that you aren't providing. Next time you become intimate, try asking him what his fantasies are, and tell him you want to fulfill one as a reward for something or other. Gives him an opening to let you know what's missing. As someone else mentioned though, it could very well be a trust issue. Believe it or not, having a problem in that area is for men more often a psychological issue than it is a medical one. That would require professional help to overcome more than likely. I wouldn't recommend telling him to see a shrink on his own because of the problem (that'll just bruise his ego) but you might consider asking him if he'd accompany you to your therapist appointment for support. That way it's actually chivalry bringing him there. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I just feel that he is completely and utterly worth the effort if I can get it to back the way it was. Right but if he isn't going to put in the effort, you can do all you want and it won't work. Is he willing? Find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miikay Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 I have asked him his fantasies before, and he says he has none... I probably want to do more things in the bedroom then him!!!!!!!! I am going to try get him to the doctor first... Then go from there... I just don't want to have to leave him Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I just don't want to have to leave him I'm sure it would be hard to make a change like that, and break the attachment. But staying in this relationship is closing the possibility of finding someone who will value you, communicate with you, and enjoy satisfying you in bed. You need to leave this guy before you can find the right guy. Once you do---you'll never regret leaving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author miikay Posted October 11, 2012 Author Share Posted October 11, 2012 Haha no rancid crotch on my part! My doctor says it is tip top! And he is in infantry not navy! I really hope he isn't gay! Link to post Share on other sites
MilitantPacifist Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 If he's not having an affair, and you don't have a rancid crotch, then the only other possibility is that he is a closeted homosexual. In the Navy... Yep, I bet he could sail the seven seas.. in the Navy! Just put your mind at ease. Link to post Share on other sites
NervisPervis Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 My money is on gay. Link to post Share on other sites
Solcita2 Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I'm a little shock. I gotta ask, before this last 8 months, how was your sexual life? I had a friend in college, she was so in love with her boyfriend, but they would never have sex. In the 2 years of the relationship they had sex 2 or 3 times. He was gay. But they never had a good sexual life... And they were very young, so she could have been his efford not to be gay or something... In your bf's case, I think staying in a relationship for 3 years to hide it... I don't see it... I don't really think he's gay... Well I don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Miikay, it has been almost a week.... Do you have an update for us? Link to post Share on other sites
Author miikay Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 No update as of yet... I have started to talk to him about everything... But he keeps saying stuff like "you know I am tired" or "but we get along so well without it. I don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 "but we get along so well without it." Then you reply with "NO. We don't. I want regular sex. I am feeling desperate and unloved. I need to know that my needs are important to you. I do NOT want to live a sex-free life, and I won't live a sex-free life." Have you tried what another poster recommended? While you are giving him a BJ, just climbing on? If not, do that! If he pushes you away or loses his erection when he is super turned on, you may get a clue as to what is happening with him. I wouldn't rule out gay though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I know my partner isn't a wanker or a cheater. I would say he is a porn addict because he doesn't watch it all the time! I don't want sex 2 times daily, but come on I woul just like a few times a week! Uhh..if a guy is watching porn...he is wanking...trust me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author miikay Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 I don't know if you are American and wanker means something different over there... But in Australia it means he is a but of a douchebag. And my partner isn't a douchebag. Link to post Share on other sites
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