to the wives of men with OW

[kizmet74]

I've seen a lot of posts from wives who ask the OW, "Why?"

 

It's easy, your husband went to someone else looking for something he wasn't getting from you.

 

What you should be asking is, "What's lacking in the marriage that would cause my husband to seek out another womans companionship?"

[YellowLioness]

are you TRYING to start a big debate with that one? :-P

 

You know that all of these poor wives are going to be like, "I did nothing. How dare you post this!"

 

Don't you think that if someone REALLY and truly loves their spouse that no matter WHAT was going on the the marriage that they would NOT look else where?

 

Do you not think that they would try to talk things out with their mates before they stuck their d*cks into another woman?

 

I do.

 

I think your post is bogus, personally.

[mronederful]

to the wives of men with O/W. lose the loser. an affair does not make a relationship better unless there is no love to start with. ask yourself this question: would he still love you if you had done it? men don't see O/W because there is something that is lacking in thier marriage, they do it because they can get away with it and they don't give a damn about your feelings, period. lose the loser and allow yourself to find a man that would not hurt you like that.

[ICantStopLovinHim]

You show me a man who has NEVER in his life cheated....and i would be shocked.

[YellowLioness]

For some reason, this post hit a nerve with me, and I have some other things to say:

 

No one can control another person's actions. Unless perhaps they are Hitler. My boyfriend had this book on Touch point for couples; it was a religious text. It insinuated the same thing. I thought, "how pathetic that it preaches this. "

 

If someone were in some way violated by another person in some way, is it the victim's fault? I think not. However, following your line of reasoning, it would be a logical conclusion.

 

People do what they want, regardless of what you will, or will not do for them. I cannot count the number of times that I see posted on here, "My husband cheated on my for 8 years and I just found out," that's just for an example.

 

I would like to hear how you came to the conclusion that it is the wife's fault, kizmet.

[kizmet74]

First off, I don't care if it starts a debate. Seems that's all any of the posts do anymore. I haven't read any yet that hadn't turned into some sort of debate about something. Most the time what's being debated isn't even related to the original post.

 

Second, no, I don't think that just because a man loves his spouse he will talk to her about certain things. Guys are afraid of confrontation with women. Yes, a man can love and really care for his spouse but still cheat on her. mronederful is right in saying that a lot of men do it because they can get away with it. But again, if you ask the man who's doing the cheating I would bet that 9 times out of 10 he's lacking something at home. It may very well NOT be something the wife is or isn't doing.

 

Of course the wives won't see that there's anything wrong with the relationship. That's why they have to ask why someone would be sleeping with her husband. If everything is so great on the homefront, why is hubby off looking for it elsewhere is what I'd like to know.

 

I should have rephrased my first post. I'm not trying to put the blame on the wife. She may be completely unaware that he's needing something more than she's giving. Maybe he's into some weird sh*t that he'd rather she didn't know about.

 

I found one post on here about someone knowing that her fiance's dad was cheating on his mom but didn't know whether or not to say anything. Someone posted on that thread that there are a lot of families that know about but overlook things like that. That's because the husband is lacking something and they've come to a compramise. Sometimes infidelity actually benefits a marriage. (oh I know I'm going to get some guff about that).

 

This also pertains to women who cheat on their husbands. Everyone's so caught up on MM/OW the other (MW/OM) seems to have been forgotten.

 

Why should my post about asking why hubby is off looking for someone else start something that asking the OW why she'd accept his offers wouldn't??? I just presented another point of view is all.

[YellowLioness]

so you are saying that it's O.K. for men to cheat as long as they have some strange fetish that they feel that they can't tell their wives about?

 

Don't you think that they SHOULD tell the women they married about those fetishes so that their wives can help satisfy them?

 

Wow. I hope my boyfriend never feels like that.

[Moose]

You show me a man who has NEVER in his life cheated....and i would be shocked

 

You found him.

 

I could never understand how ANYONE could be unfaithfull and not have so much guilt that it would kill them. I have been cheated on, but I've never been unfaithfull to any of my girlfriends, and certainly not my wife either.

 

I don't know why the women in my life cheated on me, I guess I wasn't giving them something they needed....or just that they wanted a little variety. Whatever the reason, it of course ended our relationship because I was in search of one who truly understands what a commitment is. And, I found her!!! She's says she has never been unfaithfull and considering our faith, I hardly doubt she would lie to me.

 

Would she cheat if the opportunity comes around? That's up to her, but I can honestly say that I doubt she ever would.

[kizmet74]

Originally posted by YellowLioness

so you are saying that it's O.K. for men to cheat as long as they have some strange fetish that they feel that they can't tell their wives about?

Don't you think that they SHOULD tell the women they married about those fetishes so that their wives can help satisfy them?

 

I am not saying EVERYONE feels that way. I'm not saying it's right either. And I'm not saying that EVERYONE (guy or girl) will cheat at anytime in their lives.

 

Yes, I think it would be right that they should talk to their spouse. But not everyone is comfortable talking about everything with their spouse for whatever reason.

 

Where'd I get my information?? I read a lot. I also observe a lot.

[devyna]

YellowLioness,

 

One of the factors you are missing is the fact that no man will openly talk about anything with anyone unless he knows what the reaction will be. Is a fact. You are asking if it would be right for the man not to talk about his wants, needs, desires? Hell yes it is, but that is how men are. If they feel they cannot talk to the woman in their life, but another woman is there and able to console him, he is more than likely to end up in her arms. It's just the way things are, we do not live in a perfect world. If we did we wouldn't need counselors now would we?

[Fayebelle]

What MM lack is courage- They're too scared to confront their wives- They're too scared to communicate w/ them- They're too scared to experiment sexually w/them....

 

 

Cheating MM are cowards.... Well it's a decent theory I'd love to get behind but things are never that black and white. I think every situation is dif and while some may try to dignify their actions w/ some excuse- Excuses excuse nothing and there is No dignity in their actions.

[YellowLioness]

Ya know Faye, once again, we are on the same freakin' page.

 

Why get married? lol.

 

and yes, I realize that it's not a perfect world. I'll validate Kizmet's and devnya's p.o.v. with my recognition of the fact that it IS probably a factor of why MM cheat. However, I find that the principle of breaking wedlock, a union formed under God and recognized by the government is wrong.

 

In several chats, I've heard that certain social factors are weakening the institution of marriage.

Personally, I think the the mentality being discussed at hand is doing more damage.

 

I think it's pathetic. And weak, I may add. But, that's just my opinion. I hate cheating. It's lame.

 

If I thought all men were like that, I'd say to every woman I met, "Get thee to a nunnery!"

[Adunaphel]

Of course the wives won't see that there's anything wrong with the relationship. That's why they have to ask why someone would be sleeping with her husband. If everything is so great on the homefront, why is hubby off looking for it elsewhere is what I'd like to know.

 

Some people are 'natural born cheaters'.

Some people love the thrill of cheating.

Some people use every possible excuse (like "he forgot to call", "she forgot the dinner in the microwave") to persuade themselves that their SO has done something "bad" and thus they have the right to cheat on him/her.

Some people use cheating as a form of controlling ...that is, "to be in control"of things. Like, SO has had the last word on a subject....they feel they have to sleep with someone else to 'get things even' and to feel again in control.

Some people love attention and can't get enough from one man/woman.

Some people feel they need variety.

 

Besides some people cheat on their partners with people that are no better than their SO in *every*aspect. They are just "different".

 

 

Second, no, I don't think that just because a man loves his spouse he will talk to her about certain things. Guys are afraid of confrontation with women. Yes, a man can love and really care for his spouse but still cheat on her.

 

If someone loves his spouse BUT would still cheat on her, he should NOT be in an exclusive relationship with her.

If someone loves and care for his spouse but feels the need to cheat,

he should talk to her about it, so they can decide *both* whether to break up/not get together or to have an open relationship.

 

If a man will not talk to his spouse about some of his sexual fantasies/needs/fetishes, that's his choice.

Not wanting to share fantasies with SO, is not a good reason/excuse for cheating.

If your SO would not act out your fantasies, it is no reason to cheat on him/her.

You can either live without your fantasies or break up and find someone you can share them with.

[therresa kennedy]

...Saying ALL women are trashy loose hosebags, sorry but it will not wash! I will tell ya who has never cheated! My dad for one, NEVER cheated on my mom, and there are many other men who don't cheat. Let's NOT engage in polemic thinking please!

 

Is it the fault of the wife? NOPE! Not in most cases, But she sure IS a cozy scapegoat isn't she? Like the "man" said, won't bother to mention his name, (I'm still kind a pissed at his nasty signature that got pulled the other day) but men cheat because they know they can "get away with it". It all comes down to POWER and what they can do. Why? well, I have contemplated that one for a long time and I have to say that I think men are not as naturually inclined to be monogamous like women are, did I spell that right?

 

Anyway, I think there is a very real possibility that men are often more motivated biochemically to have more than one sex partner, now mind you I am 38, have lived a full life and am kind of pessimistic by nature. But this IS the way I see it.

 

Blaming the wife and saying wives are always out there humbly and pathetically "asking" the ever knowing, intellingent Other Woman WHY their man cheated is just plain silly. I have been cheated on and I never went out of my way to "ask" the hosebags involved what it was that I was doing wrong. I had NO respect for them, why should I have some kind of flowery regard for their intellects? And trust me, (their intellects) were not all that challenging or substantial to begin with!

 

My attitude was I had done nothing wrong, (I had kept the house clean enough, cared properly for our child, aged 12, was always a terrific lay) but my man was presented with a sure thing and had weakened in the face of temptation. Does that make all men evil monsters? No, just weaker than women when it comes to being able to say no to sex. So, to those women who want to blame the wife, question why that is, could be you are trying to escape a bit of self directed blame, shame, or self-hatred. And do us all a favor, get off your high horses, you tend to look mighty foolish up there, (snicker, ho-hum, chuckle)