Life changing experience. Are we still in love?

[Georg]

We met and everything seemed to be perfect. It was like we were made for each other. Neither of us had been in long serious relationships. Hers longest was 6 monts, and mine 3 months. Maybe some reasons for that, and one probably for both of us, is we are very independant.

We met in late agust 2002. We fell for each other and started seeing each other regularly. Speaking for myself everything was perfect and for the first time I think I was in love.

I(now 27) was still in school(business school) and lived in a single room, and had 2years left, and she(now27) had graduated as a nurse 1 year earlier. After her studies she moved back to her home, partly because she had lost her brother who had died from epilepsy.

After we had been seeing each other fo 7 weeks she found she was 2weeks pregnant. Ok, that was surprising, but possible. Maybe not the best thing for a new relationship and becaue neither of us had our own homes, but this didnt affect the relationship, we just kept on and I promised I would do everything possible to help here. 2 weeks later she began to have this real bad morning sickness(all day long). She had nausea, vomiting, couldnt eat anything, lost weight, was depressed etc. and despite of this she worked gruelling hours at he hospital. This wasnt helping the relationship at all, as you can imagine. This went on for 3 months, and when it was over everything was much better, but it had taken its toll. Then we had more time for ourselves, but 2 weeks later(in middle of january), at the ultra sonar check, the doctors found out the baby´s lungs were not right and determined it had just 70-80% change of surviving the birth. Not the best news for the relationship, and not for anybody. Soon after this she had gestational diabetes, back pains, too much amniotic fluids, etc. She couldnt eat anything because of the diabetes(could harm the baby), and blood sugar level limits are lower than with people who have regular diabetes. In spite of all this, the relationship was still thriving, but very hard.

The baby was born in june(we dont need to mention the birth everything went wrong there, infections, a lot of stiches, the painkiller shots didnt work, lost a lot of blood etc.) At first everything looked good, but later they found 2 congenital heart defects, and the baby was critical, and went to heart operation just 9 days old, and had to be in the hospital for 7weeks. Then in october the lungs were operated on and half of the right lungs was removed and it is 50/50 they need to remove the other half later. And the babies situation wasnt stable until early this year. Everything until had been straining for the mother, everything. She had to give him milk 7times a day, 1hour each time, at least, very hard emotions etc.

This is just the short story, I could write a book about this. It is impossible to describe this. The hardest thing about this time is that I have been in love with here all that time, and I have kept the faith and during this time i have had hope during some days, and then the next days the hope is slacked back. For one thing our relationship hasnt been her first priority.

 

I just dont know. Is there a change for us to be together after this kind of situations. This is very complex situation, and I know that I am the only one who can figure it out, but it would be very nice to have you say something about this. Maybe everything is changed and we are different persons. Maybe this is just so straining for the both of us, that we need some time to collect our thoughts.

With regards,

George

 

 

With regards

[clarification]

Although not a female, and definitely not having children - you might not take any ideas from me, however, I will suggest some gut reactions to your story.

 

For starters, I am very sorry to hear about all the trouble that your partner, your child, and you have been through in the period covered.

 

I'd imagine even a couple who had been together for years and had a very strong relationship - these events would have a large impact on the dynamics of the relationship between the partners.

 

As such, regarding the concern, "For one thing our relationship hasn’t been her first priority," I will have to be blunt and say: I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

 

No doubt you, as the father, would be very protective and concerned about the child's well-being, but you have been thrusted into this situation with the unresolved issue of whether the relationship is strong and is going to last. With such unresolved issues, I can understand, as well, that they would be playing on your mind. However, as much as us males are protective of our family - as we are programmed to be; and as is in a couple relationship regarding our partner - so too is the female as concerned with the nurturing and emotional aspect; as in the relationship; albeit being even more evident in caring for her child.

 

As confusing as all this may sound, the underlying premise is this: The mother's instinct at this point in time is the protection of the child; your instinct is the protection of the mother and the child - i.e. the dynamic which keeps the family unit together.

Let me suggest: Allow your insecurities to fall by the wayside and continue to be concerned and be protective of the child, placing it before your needs - just as the mother does, instinctively - and I am sure you will find that if this comes first, coupled with unconditional love and support for your partner, once the child is "out of the woods" on their way to a full recovery, your partner will realise what you have been through together in a common goal, in welfare for someone you both helped to create - which will bring about an affirmation and strengthening of your relationship with each other.

 

 

- I apologise for the waffle, as it is later Down Under, but I wanted to write to you while the post was fresh in my head -

 

Wishing your child, and your partner, and your relationship all the blessings in the world,

 

~clarification~

B.Psych. (JCU)

[Georg]

Thanks a lot for your advices!

Yes, what you say makes a lot of sense. This is very similar that I have been thinking about last weeks and months. I have never thougt much about relationships, but now I have no choice but to make up my mind. I really love my son, but also my "girlfriend". But I dont even live with them, like my girlfriend didnt live with her offspring during the first 2months. I just have to hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst ;-), thats the saying here in Iceland.

With regards,

Georg