Love of my life hurt me beyond repair

[roscoe1979]

Hi Guys,

 

First timer here. I have a situation that i thought i would throw up here and see what you thought about it. First a little background info. I have been dating this girl for almost two years now. We are so in love its ridiculous and have been since the day we met. We have had our share of problems like everyone else, our relationship is not perfect. We probably average a big fight about once a month.

The fights usually result from feelings that she has been keeping bottled up about whatever, and she doesnt tell me until it gets to be too much and she cant take it. Most of the time its something that i do that sets the ball rolling, such as i get mad about something and it just snowballs from there. On many occasions we have come to the conclusion that we need to more openly express our feelings and she needs to tell me whats on her mind. However, things never seem to change and the cycle continues.

 

A few weeks ago, after things had been fine and dandy for a couple of weeks with no problems, i go to her house as usual after work. Upon arriving, she is not there. I find this very odd being that i had called her not 15 minutes before hand and told her that I was almost there. A strange car is parked in her driveway but i think nothing of it. I go inside and talk to her mother, she supposedly doesnt know where she is. About 15 minutes later she comes home. I ask her where she was and with an attitude she tells me that she drove her "friend" to the bus station. She had never mentioned doing anything like his to me which is odd because i usually get a complete minute by minute itinerary from her every day. I dont make a big deal of it at the time and let it go. We get into the car to go to the store and I decide to push the issue of what she was doing and i ask whos car was in the driveway. She then tells me that it was her ex-boyfriends car and he was the one she drove. She only told me after many many questions on my part. I got mad because she didnt tell me and seemed as if she would have never told me. Apparently he was taking some sort of class in her area and he left his car there for the week and took the bus home ( he lives an hour away), rather than drive back and forth. Ok, fine. As to how this situation came about, I asked her over and over again, getting a different story every time, which just sparked more and more questions. The more i heard the madder i got. We practically didnt speak for that entire week and when we did it was an argument. The entire time she swore up and down that nothing happened. At the end, she tells me that she cant do this anymore ( the arguing ) and cant see me anymore. I completely change my tune for fear of losing her and we get over it.

 

Now we come to this past weekend. Thigs once again have become rocky. I know that something is bothering her and she is not happy with something. I push the issue and tell her that i have these feelings. Finally she breaks down and tells me that she is in fact unhappy once again. Nothing that couldnt have been worked out, but the fact that she doesnt say anything just compounds the problem. Many things were said which im not going to go into detail about here. I get really upset and leave work to ge to her house. I show up at her door unannounced, she answeres, we hug and cry for what seemed like eternity. I thought I was losing her. We then calm down and start talking about what was going on. She tells me, among many other things, that she was doubting my love for her for a multitude of reasons and by me showing up at her door showed her that i really do love her.

 

At this point she decides to tell me something, and this is the root of my problem right now. She tells me that about a week before the ex had left his car at her house, they had met up at the local diner after work. She said her reasons were A) she never had closure with that relationship and wanted to find out what heppend and B) she was doubting her feelings for me and needed to test the water to see if she could have feelings for someone else. This hurts me to no end, that she could doubt her feelings for me after all this time and all we have been through. She says nothing happened, they just talked. She never told me even in spite of what happened the week after, how mad i had gotten over his car being there and her not telling me. She says that the whole time they were out that all she did was think of me, wonder why she was there, look at her watch and count the minutes until it was over.

 

This is eating me up inside. I have so many thoughts and so many questions and i need to know if im making more of this than i should. Before i express them fully to you I would like to hear your opinion on the situation please. I realize that this is a really long post and i appreciate you reading through it. Your advice and comments are greatly appreciated and I will gladly answer any questions you may have.

 

Thanks

[Wellnowuknow]

Sometime in long relationships you get comfortable with your partner and in some cases feel as if your feelings have changed.

 

Its happened to other couples and as soon as they take that break and "see whats out there" they realize they are trully in love and it makes their relationship stronger or they realize they aren't in love and move on.

 

Maybe she needs a break from you w/ NC you to see where exactly her feelings are.

 

Hopefully after though she'll realize shes meant to be with you and if not the sooner you find out the better so that you are able to move on.

[roscoe1979]

Thanks wellnowyouknow for your response.

 

In regards to what your saying I fully understand that. She claims that had been the purpose of the meeting, or atleast one of them. The fact that she lied to me over and over again about it, kept it a secret until now all this time is just killing me. A lot of trust has been lost and it really hurts. If she had simply told me that she felt this way things would have been different. But thats not what she did, she went behind my back and lied to me about it. Then she kept it a secret for a month. I would have thought that had she really loved me that the guilt would have eaten her alive until she absolutely had to tell me.

[uriel]

This is serious for two reasons.

 

1) It's likely that your gf wasn't so much full of doubts about how you felt as she was responding to an unfulfilled need on her part. This might not be as personal as it sounds. If she has self-esteem issues (and I'll bet she does), she may be looking for something to make her feel good. An old flame's attention / new male attention in general is one way to get that boost. Women look for emotional, rather than sexual, conquests. Problem is, if she doesn't learn to deal with her unmet ego needs in some other positive way, there's a chance she'll stray again.

 

2) She deceived you on purpose. This is different than not telling you something that's bothering her. She talked to an ex about more than just taking an area class (how long have they been in contact? what kind of emotions / relationship talk have they been sharing?), met up with him while considering leaving you for him, then continued to lie about that connection. Sure, she now says that she didn't feel anything for him -- it was all about you. But, let's be real about this. She went behind your back with another guy, even if nothing physical happened and even if she decided you were the one she preferred in the end. She met with him because she continued to having feelings for him -- even after being with you for two years.

 

You've characterized your relationship as true love -- one that transcends all doubt and trouble. That's not what you've got here. You have a realistic human relationship where one of you has doubted and acted on it. You also have a partner you can't entirely trust, for two reasons, not just one.

 

She needs to open up to you and give you much more reassurance if you're going to continue as you have. But, even then, likely the real fix is she needs to mature and heal emotionally.

 

-- uriel

[roscoe1979]

Uriel you hit the nail on the head in many aspects...

 

She does have self esteem issues.

 

As to answer your questions, they dont talk often (so she says). and when they do its just casual conversation. She says that at the diner all they talked about was meaningless things. ie how have you been, what are you up to etc...

 

I feel exactly what you were saying in your post. I feel that she did still have feelings for him, and to have those feelings after all this time hurts. Hearing someone else say it is comforting and maddening all at the same time. Atleast my feelings are justified. Im so afraid something like this is going to happen again. I never thought she was capable of doing this and now my entire outlook on her has changed. I realize that nothing happened and perhaps im taking this too far but this is simply how i feel. Thanks again uriel

[sylah]

Yeah, I agree with uriel.

 

Testing the waters for her own feelings should be something like going out to a movie (on a platonic level) with a guy with whom she's had no history. Going out with an ex and being untruthful about it is not a good thing.

 

Maybe she has self-esteem issues -- but it could also be that she feels insecure in the relationship, in addition to the self esteem issues. If you're fighting all the time, instead of walking away and not talking for a week, maybe make yourself stay there until the root of the problem is resolved. From a woman's perspective, a guy storming off during an argument makes me unsure of a relationship.

 

Personally, I think that "taking a break" is a mistake -- it's avoidance of conflict resolution development in the context of the relationship. Regardless of how brutal the fight gets (as long as it doesn't get physical), speaking in the heat of the moment is passionate and the meanings of things cannot get any more truthful than in those moments.

[roscoe1979]

Thanks alot sylah for your response.

 

We have been trying to confront problems these last few months and i try to express myself the best i can. I have a bit of a temper sometimes and i admit that but i am trying very hard to work through it and relax and look at things logically. That is part of my reason for venting and seeking advice in this forum.

 

I agree with you. Taking a break is not something that i would want becuase i would miss her too much. Maybe thats selfish on my part but I dont know what i would do without her. I love her so much. The thought of er with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. I also think that if it had been a complete stranger that she had gone out with , I would feel just as strongly as i do now.

 

Thanks again for your input, its greatly appreciated. Keep it coming guys. This is helping alot. Its nice to have someone to talk to

[D-Glo]

In my eyes, she shared with you something that would obviously cause most people to question everything she's ever said. She trusted you with feelings and a situation that most people in a relationship could never tell their partner out of fear of them leaving them. Everyone in this situation would react different, it's all about how you've been in the past too though. I hear your story about her, but I don't see the part where you mention how you treat her and what you keep from her. Have you ever felt the way she did, can you understand where she comes from?

 

Honestly, it truly hurts to hear that someone you absolutely love has had doubts about their feelings for you. But what hurts more, her having doubts and probing that doubt to ensure that she's ready to be with you, or her leaving you in 10 years after 2 kids. Not to say that life will be perfect, as relationships take a LOT of communication, trust, love and honesty. But, at least you know where you stand with her now, and if you doubt that, you're doubting every part of your relationsihp. That means you have to ask yourself, do you trust her. You truly know in your heart if you do or not, that's not something anyone else can answer. If you believe her and trust her, move on. If you don't, how can you live the rest of your life questioning every word from her mouth & perhaps you need to find someone who can give you all the things she couldn't.

 

Love is never easy, and never will be. But you both have to give 110% at it if you want it to work.You both can't give 50/50, that's only giving yourselves half a chance to succeed.

 

Good luck to you, I hope things work out best for you both.

[torkworld]

This situation is so much like mine I'm getting goosebumps.

 

My ex (notice EX) had a "friend" when we were together. I asked her over and over and over and when I find out she's lying about something, THEN the truth comes out. She even said "Ewww I'd NEVER end up liking him, in fact, I think he likes my sister" It killed my trust in her. She even had the nads to ask why I didn't trust her anymore. Lie = loss of trust

 

In either case, at one point I got so sick of the BS I couldn't even talk to her, so we broke it off.

 

HOURS later word gets out that she's with him, though even now (7 months later) she still won't admit it to me.

 

I took the money I was saving for her engagement ring and bought a car with it. She's permanently on No contact status though she calls all the time.

 

GET RID OF HER NOW!!!!!! It will hurt but you HAVE to do it!

[Kelebek]

Oh, this was so weird to read - it's my exact situation, except I'm in your girlfriend's position. I never got closure with my ex and I loved him so, so much...sometimes things like that still hurt, even if you're happy with someone else. (Which I am.) But I've been snapping at my current boyfriend and generally being an idiot, because I'm so messed up.

 

If she's anything like me, chances are that she is completely tormented by seeing him, it'll have thrown up old feelings and she'll be feeling terrible and confused. She needs to explore these feelings, and have some time on her own (not a long time, I just mean a few days) to regroup, knowing that you're not going to leave her.

 

I know how selfish that sounds. And it's probably too much to ask of you. But that's exactly what I want right now, and maybe she's the same...? I'm not saying she IS the same, just giving you another point of view.

 

Good luck with this, it must be awful for you.

[Kelebek]

Ps - the funny (or not so funny) thing is, this is also the exact same situation I had with that ex - except it was HIS ex causing problems (it's like a nasty chain!!!!!!) ....and I'd usually be the first to say get rid of her. Ex's are never a good thing, be very careful here.

 

God, I know that's totally useless, I've just given you two conflicting opinions...it's just that I've been in both situations and I know that both of them hurt like hell!