Where's MY happy ending?!

[KaiaMahina]

I'm now obsessively checking out every post that says something like, "Ex called!" and poring through them trying to figure out how my situation is so drastically, tragically different that I'm still sitting here almost 6 weeks in with NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Where's my happy ending?!

 

It's not even as though I'm anticipating getting back together and getting married as we had planned. It's simply hearing his voice again, or reading his email, and knowing that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth as far as he's concerned. It's a big adjustment to make from being the woman he called every evening, sent romantic emails to every day, whispered "I love you" to in a dark movie theatre, cuddled with while watching television, and brought a love token to every time he saw her to being someone who essentially doesn't exist anymore. One of the last things he said to me was, "I'll never stop loving you." Then why cut me loose?! And how can he go on with his life so easily?!

 

If we had been arguing, or he had been abusive or inattentive or was just a garden variety a**hole, then this wouldn't be so bad. I would have seen it coming and maybe would have felt some relief. But this is torture! One day I'm the love of his life, the next day I'm dead. I feel like I've been exiled to a dark, empty planet strewn with rubble and devoid of all life except me. And it was all in the space of 48 hours. How do you adjust to having an intimate confidante to having no one in 48 hours?

 

What's worse is that 3 other exes are now coming out of the woodwork. People I had to work very hard to get over, and went through misery over. NOW they want me. But I don't want them! They call, and I want to cry because it's not HIM calling me. They send flowers and I don't even water them. They take me out to dinner and I only drink soda because I feel too sick to eat. Their attention doesn't distract me. It only reminds me that I've lost the attention of the one man who matters to me.

 

I don't want much out of life. I only really want love. Where's my happy ending?! When will I be this instead of this ?

[uriel]

Typical male behavior. If he broke up with you, and it sounds like that's the case, he's avoiding the guilt of hurting you. He especially wants to avoid any emotional scene, one that makes him feel like the bad guy and gives him the responsibility of helping you hold it together or having to watch you fall apart. And, if he thinks he has a good reason for getting out, he's avoiding the temptation of ending up with you again, too. He might be afraid he'll weaken under contact.

 

He'll throw himself into work or social activities to keep his mind off this, if he can. That will look like he's not feeling anything about you / your relationship, but, obviously, he's human. He has feelings about you and the relationship that aren't going to just evaporate now that you aren't together anymore.

 

-- uriel

[Wellnowuknow]

Free

"If you love something set it free,

If it comes back it's yours eternally."

Whoever said that lied,

I set my love free.... I think it died.

I set it free no doubt in my mind,

That it would return home in no time.

From a day, to a week, to now almost a year,

It hasn't come back, I've lost it I fear.

It should've come running right back to me,

But it hasn't dammit where can it be?

If it's playing hide & seek, It can come out already,

The game is over, I'm tired of waiting.

Did it get lost along the way,

Struggling to come back to me everyday?

Even though I waited for it day, after day,

It never returned, nothing I can do or say.

What is there that one can do,

When who you love doesn't love you?

I had it and I set it free,

Now I've lost it for all eternity.

 

 

Just a lil poem I wrote a really long time ago when i was younger and reading your post reminded me of it. LOL I went a dug it up.

 

Your not the only one that goes through this.

 

And I completely understand where your coming from. It's not even the fact that you want them back anymore or anything it's the simple fact that how can they go on so easily?

How could they just disregard us when we were supposedly such a huge part of their lives?

I remember waiting for the call just to know I meant something you know?

It sux and there's nothing we can do but wait and throw our questions at the wall we can't seem to stop staring at and actually listen for an answer.

 

Ice ream girl Ice cream is the only cure!

 

 

P.S. also what Uriel said lol

[moimeme]

Time, I think, to read the lengthy 'no contact' posts. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you broke up with him, right? There are a lot of men who will not go 'crawling' back if they've been told to take a hike. Surely you didn't tell him to go hoping he'd smarten up or realize the error of his ways or some such thing?

 

In order to break the last threads of the addiction that love causes, you have to go cold turkey. No sitting home waiting for calls. Read the advice given to all the other lonely-at-homes and hang tough.

[uriel]

I wasn't clear about who broke up with whom, moimeme, but she does say he cut her loose. Can you clarify for us, KaiaMahina?

 

-- uriel

[dudesomewhere]

he dumped her via phone I believe

 

Kai...

 

I think the problem with most ppl, as in your case is that you tried moving on too fast. You said you went on dates and stuff...didn't wait around and tried doing this and that? I think that's why most ppl can't go on. They try too hard without letting themselves rebuild the foundation that got broken down.

 

My case, I will literally spend a year or more doing nothing. Nothing that is in terms of dating. I will go out and do things by myself but not dating. All you do is subconsciously look for replacements...replacements that you subconsciously compare with your ex.

 

I always wipe my slate clean. No remnants anywhere. Don't you people prefer it to date someone who never mentions anything about any exes?

 

Sounds like Kai is weakening...crumbling...gahhh!!! Go play video games, read books, watch movies...all by yourself of course ....or with platonic friends

[KaiaMahina]

Clarification: He broke up with me. One week after asking me (without prodding) to look at engagement rings, one of which I chose but which was never purchased. And in anticipation of him moving 250 miles to be with me in January '05. And yes, dude is correct, it was (ice cold) by phone.

 

Uriel, I realize that he's just trying to avoid his justly assigned responsibility for hurting someone very badly after pursuing said someone relentlessly, passionately and (seemingly) sincerely for nearly a year. I admit I wasn't sure about him in early days, but when a man makes you feel like this and you anticipate seeing him like this you no longer have any doubts. He made me happy for the first time in 6 long years!

 

And no, me myself from beautiful BC , I didn't drop him and expect him to come crawling. When I drop someone, I'm serious about it and no matter how hard it is, I never contact them again. One of the exes now pursuing me is a man I dropped because there was no serious future for us, and no emotional reciprocity because we're so different. I never called or emailed him, nor did I expect him to "change his ways" and come back. I had put 18 months into him, and still felt essentially alone, so I did what I had to do. He came back because he had happy times with me that he's been apparently unable to duplicate elsewhere. I'm sorry, and I still care about him, but it's no longer my problem.

 

Dude! If you only knew how many YEARS I've been alone! I know the spiel about "being alone is good to get to know yourself and to know what you want from life, and to be able to be emotionally independent." I did all that stuff. For a lot longer than any reasonable person would be able to withstand.

 

What's the worst thing that can happen to you in prison? Oh, come on! Besides the consequences of bending over in the shower! Solitary confinement. Few people. other than professional hermits, enjoy being alone permanently, or alone for years on end. It's no fun coming home to no one. It's no fun crawling into a cold empty bed. Its no fun "going places" and "doing things" with no one to share it with.

 

Yes, some alone time is good for you. I like to write, and I'm shy, so I naturally log in a lot of alone time, both by choice and involuntarily. But enough's enough. I'm not emotionally needy; I enjoy being intimate with another. I'm not afraid of being alone; I enjoy being with someone I love. I'm not looking for someone to complete me; I'm looking for someone to complement me. As a human being, I am by nature a social animal, and seek out intimate contact.

 

I'm not dating too soon, I'm only taking opportunities to get out of the house before the four walls crush me. Everyone thinks I should put my personal ad back up, but I can't. I dread thinking what horrors it will dredge up from the muck at the bottom of the barrel. Everyone thinks that because I'm attractive, it should be easy for me to meet men. But remember, I'm shy. And I'm also weary with men whose attraction to me is apparently based on the fact that I am "sexy looking," as one goofball commented. "You reek erotica," another drooling moron says. I felt like replying, "You reek, too." It's either this, or solitary confinement. Wanna trade lives anyone?

 

There are fine demarcation line between being alone and becoming a stronger, more aware and intact being, and slowly spiraling down into an empty depressive state from lack of meaningful, affectionate interaction with a person of the opposite (or same, however you like it) sex. That's why it's so hard to lose someone who wanted to make a real commitment to me, like perusing engagement rings for a life together instead of sex toys to cover the possibilities of the next couple of hours! Someone who calls and says, "How are you, baby?" instead of "Guess what I'm holding in my hand?"

 

I'm not crumbling, but I am somewhat hopeless that I'll ever again meet someone who will love me and know who I really am, and allow me to do the same with them. Thinking that I'll be alone for the rest of my life is so dispiriting...and thinking that I'll be with someone who can't understand me or be emotionally intimate with me is absolutely horrifying...

[uriel]

Sounds like your ex had a typical commitmentphobic response. These guys tend to pursue hot and heavy early on only to bolt at signs of deepening commitment -- which they often initate. The looking at engagement rings is the very thing to send a cp for the hills, even if it was his idea. You might read Steven Carter's work, such as Men Who Can't Love or She's Scared, He's Scared. This has happened to many others in the same circumstances. It's a bitter disappointment. Sorry you're going through it.

 

-- uriel

[CaterpillarGirl]

Kaia,

 

I totally hear you. Being alone is no great picnic. Yeah, great, you don't have to consult someone everytime you want to see a movie, and yes, ooh, you learn a lot about yourself. But dammit, it gets old. How can people move on so easily after an emotional bond was formed? Maybe they don't. Maybe he's pining away and wallowing in guilt for having dumped you and has a 6 week case of laryngitis. Who knows? You just have to suck it up and "move on."

 

But, geez, I like to think I've earned it. I'd like to think after all these years playing by the rules, that there is someone who is out there waiting for me like a big chocolate cake reward. Too, too maddening! The arrogance of it all! Thinking I deserve to be loved as I have loved!

 

I don't know what to say to you, because I'm not sure what to say to myself. Chin up? Love's around the corner? April showers bring May flowers? Try and latch on to one of these. One of the most profound gifts of humanity is our ability to hope. And I think hope is what keeps most of us single girls going.

[KaiaMahina]

Uriel, I think you're correct about the commitment-phobe thing. Funny, the guy before him (the one I dropped 18 months on) told me straight out he would never marry and that there was only an outside chance that we would ever live in the same house...but he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life! I thought, "Oh, he's one of those commitment-phobe dudes!" I thought it was that bloody straightforward!

 

Flash forward to the latest ex. Fell in love with me "at first sight." Told me he loved me after the first date. (Granted, the first date lasted an entire weekend.) Asked me to marry him about 6 weeks later, and kept asking until I said "yes." Made a date for spring '05, moved it up to fall '04, then to summer '04. Asked me to look for rings. Commitment-phobe?! No way! He was on commitment like a tick on a dog!

 

But then I thought about it...he was engaged several times. Even talked about marriage with his ex before me (a woman who openly cheated on him with men who would buy her more expensive gifts -- and he was talking marriage?!). But how could he be a commitment-phobe? He had been married for 19 years before his wife initiated the divorce! Well...I guess the answer to that one is that he dated her, dumped her, she pursued him, he dated her again, she got pregnant...and he married her. Would he have made a commitment to her if she hadn't gotten pregnant? Interesting question...

 

I even asked him point-blank, "Do you fall in love with/want to marry every woman you date?" He denied it emphatically. Maybe he doesn't he know what'd going on in his own brain. I thought there was something odd about it, but my alter EGO said, "Cram it, sweetheart. He loves us to death because we're so irresistable and marvelous. Sit back and enjoy the ride. You deserve it."

 

Well, caterpillar girl, I like your attitude. You're right, there's nothing to do but "move on" as they say. He sure has. And yeah, you do tend to think there's some reward waiting for you somewhere. That all this s**t will turn out to have been dues paid for membership in the Happy Ever After Club for those who have been clubbed, back-stabbed, cheated, abandoned and left in a ditch for dead, all in the name of love. I'm beginning to think all the members are about 90 years old when they check in and drop dead shortly thereafter. Just as a nice ironic touch.

 

But like you, I'll keep hoping. Even though I wish I would stop because it hurts to hope. Thanks for the "chin up."

[aFighter]

That happened to me once before.

"I love you blah blah" one day "It's over" the next & she never wrote/called me again. I was just numb for days after that let me tell you & I still carry the scar. Even now I don't talk about it to anyone in real life. Now when I think about her I feel pity for her & maybe a dash of 'serves you right' [she's a single mother now, guy hit the road when the kid was 3 months] she's struggling & living at home with her parents. I see her from time to time but we don't speak. She cast me out of her life, SHE cast ME out, not the other way around. I got over it though.

About 5 months after that I met a lovely woman and she helped restore every single ouce of self esteem I had lost. She more or less helped me rebuild myself from the ground up & she's still among my closest female friends

 

 

Hang in there & things WILL get better, I promise.

[moimeme]

He broke up with me

 

I stand corrected. Don't know what I read that made me think otherwise. So then he's not contacting you because he feels guilty, likely.

 

and slowly spiraling down into an empty depressive state from lack of meaningful, affectionate interaction with a person of the opposite (or same, however you like it) sex.

 

It's harder when you're just out of a relationship. Later, it gets better. But what about meaningful, affectionate interaction with friends? The lack of a male companion ought not send you into misery. It's inconvenient and it would be nicer to be otherwise, but if a really good one hasn't come along (and I don't count one who bails on you as a 'really good' one), then there's no point in turning into a hermit. There's lots of life to live and lots of folks to spend time with.

 

I'm not crumbling, but I am somewhat hopeless that I'll ever again meet someone who will love me

 

This guy didn't though. At least, not the sort of lifetime love you want.

 

Thinking that I'll be alone for the rest of my life is so dispiriting...

 

It's also false. Not gonna happen.

Fell in love with me "at first sight." Told me he loved me after the first date. (Granted, the first date lasted an entire weekend.) Asked me to marry him about 6 weeks later, and kept asking until I said "yes."!

 

Now, see, that to me is a huge red flag. I'd never believe someone who said he fell for me 'at first sight'. Next time you hear that, run far and fast.

[InmannRoshi]

There is a theme of entitlement on this thread as though life owes us something. Life doesn't owe you a happy ending. A happy ending is something you have to create for yourself under USUALLY less than ideal circumstances. Its not handed to you by life, nor is it some gift or reward like a child who is taken to Chucky Cheese for getting all A's on their report card.

 

That said, I'm sorry to hear about your heartbreak. I hope the pain subsides quickly and you get back on your feet soon.

[KaiaMahina]

InmannRoshi, "Where's MY happy ending?" wasn't a genuine whiny demand, it was poetic license. Just a cry of frustration to the universe. I don't believe I'm entitled to a happy ending (and not having had one yet in the length of my life, no one feels less entitled than I do!), and I hope I didn't really make myself look like that sort of person. Life can be very sad, and there are no "happy endings." Even if you find "the one," one of you eventually dies, so where's your happy ending? Someone is left alone eventually anyway to mourn. The most you can hope for is a "contented ending."

 

But sometimes you can put all kinds of effort into being happy and some a**hole comes along and destroys it all in one fell swoop. Which is what just happened to me.

 

Moimeme, thank you for your words of wisdom. I'm sure he does indeed feel guilty. As well he should. And yes, the next time someone says he fell in love with me at first sight, I'm going to take him to an optometrist.