Inflikted Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 In just a couple short months, I'll be 24, and I've never once had a girl in my life in any "romantic" capacity. Now, I'm not the kind of person that's "afraid" or "intimidated" by girls. Actually, I'd say I get along better with girls on average. I've had plenty of female friends over the last 6-8 years, but I've never really found any of them to be "attractive" as more than friends (nor have they seen me that way). I've kinda given up on the idea of dating and whatnot, because it just doesn't seem like there's anyone out there for me. As some of you may know, recently, I actually found a girl I was very into. We hit it off better than I've ever hit it off with a girl, we have plenty of common interests and plenty of common views on major life issues, etc. Heck, I honest-to-god thought she was into me, as well. I asked her out, and after taking a couple weeks to think about it, she ultimately had to turn me down. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about "attraction", and I've realized, it doesn't make any sense to me. What is it that makes people attracted or not attracted to each other? From my experiences, it seems like common interests, common values, general "chemistry", etc. don't matter. So what's the "magical quality" that I'm supposed to have, and supposed to be looking for in someone else? It just doesn't seem to make much sense to me. I have enough trouble finding "it" as it is, and then when you finally do find "it", there's no guarantee you'll be the other person's "it" as well. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Don't worry dude, a lot of us guys don't understand it either 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Common interests and beliefs, etc are good qualities to have in friends and long term partners but when it comes to short term dating they're not going to give you an edge. It's all about how you present yourself. You may feel like you're a great guy with a lot to offer but are you driving that point home? And I don't mean coming out and telling a girl you're a catch; I mean going out and showing it. Are you putting your best self out there? Also, it seems a lot of men (not saying you) expect women to just fall into their lap. Sometimes you gotta go out there and make an effort. Are you making an effort to meet women? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Example: I sat next to a number of attractive women on some recent flights; had some interaction; found a few intriguing. Once I hit the jetway upon landing, they were lost to my psyche. Blips in the moment. They were attractive but I wasn't attracted to them in a personal/physical way. That's how I define it. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Not as troll-y question as it sounds: if you have yet to meet a girl you are attracted to, are you sure you're not gay or asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Common interests and beliefs, etc are good qualities to have in friends and long term partners but when it comes to short term dating they're not going to give you an edge. Ideally, though, the goal is to find a "long term partner". I don't really have much interest in doing "cold approaches" or just randomly asking/ going out with random girls I meet in passing. Granted, I don't expect to just jump right into a committed relationship with a girl, but I tend to get to know girls a bit before I decide if I find them more "attractive" than just friends (and 99% of the time, I don't). It's all about how you present yourself. You may feel like you're a great guy with a lot to offer but are you driving that point home? And I don't mean coming out and telling a girl you're a catch; I mean going out and showing it. Are you putting your best self out there? Also, it seems a lot of men (not saying you) expect women to just fall into their lap. Sometimes you gotta go out there and make an effort. Are you making an effort to meet women? I just try to be "me". I have my flaws and shortcomings, but I'm not going to put on some show to make myself look like something I'm not. And heck, I think I'm a pretty good guy. I'm not exactly sure how to actually "demonstrate" that, but like I said, I just try to be "real" with everyone. As far as meeting girls, eh... I'll admit, I'm sort of on the reserved side, and I'm still in the process of learning how to be more sociable in general. But I've had plenty of chances to meet girls in the last few years; I work in retail, so there's a lot of people coming and going there, and I've been taking college classes for a few years now, so that's another thing. I just never seem to "connect" with girls. Truth be told, what I "want" is a "best friend" that I can be more than friends with, yanno? I dunno. Maybe I'm a little too "odd", maybe there just aren't many girls I'm compatible with. Just seems really tough to find. Not as troll-y question as it sounds: if you have yet to meet a girl you are attracted to, are you sure you're not gay or asexual? Well, like I said, there was/ is the girl I fell for and asked out recently. On a basic level, I do want to be with a girl, yes. I just can't seem to really find very many that I, personally, actually want to be with (that also want to be with me). Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I just can't seem to really find very many that I, personally, actually want to be with (that also want to be with me). Welcome to the world of the human, seriously. What you're describing is pretty common. People make varying degrees of compromise to have human companions. The key is such compromise should feel healthy and positive, not like giving something up to be in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Welcome to the world of the human, seriously. What you're describing is pretty common. People make varying degrees of compromise to have human companions. The key is such compromise should feel healthy and positive, not like giving something up to be in a relationship. I guess, but I kinda feel like that's going to be my only option in the future, "unhealthy compromise". Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) You can't have it both ways without investment. But done right, she will find you. What you are seeking IS the right ideal. You describe that perfect partner, best friend, lover and more... Well pal, that's simply holding out for Mrs. right and 99.99% of girls are not her. So... You're going to hsve to spend a little time alone until random chance brings you that oppertunity OR you can have a few "Ms. Right Now" along the way to pass the time. You simply can't expect that perfect girl to come along in an instant. But let me ask you... Would you be ready for her if she did? Are you the 100% best you can be? Are you ambitious and driven towards a successful future? Are you polishing your style, your look, your physique? Are you filling your days with adventure? In a nut shell, attraction is about living a lifestyle that she would beg for a chance to be part of. Build that for yourself and you will have the best of both worlds: Plenty of right nows and the ability to attract the right "one" when she enters your world. Edited October 10, 2012 by GLDheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 So... You're going to hsve to spend a little time alone until random chance brings you that oppertunity OR you can have a few "Ms. Right Now" along the way to pass the time. You simply can't expect that perfect girl to come along in an instant. I guess. It's just kinda frustrating, being 24 and still never having had anyone in your life, yanno? Like, how long am I going to have to wait? I don't want to be the guy that doesn't find someone until he's in his 40s, 50s, or later... I know people who have been dating for years, heck, I know people who are getting or are already married. It just kinda sucks always being on the outside looking in. Plus, even if I find the "right girl", and even if I do everything right, myself, there's still a chance she might not want to be with me, and that really sucks, too... But let me ask you... Would you be ready for her if she did? Are you the 100% best you can be? Are you ambitious and driven towards a successful future? Are you polishing your style, your look, your physique? Are you filling your days with adventure? I'm working at that stuff; I might not yet be exactly where I want to be with it all, but I'd like to think the effort is at least worth something, yanno? Anyway, I've seen people a lot worse off than me in certain aspects having somebody in their lives, which makes me wonder all the more why I can't seem to find "it" myself. Link to post Share on other sites
NateC Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 I guess. It's just kinda frustrating, being 24 and still never having had anyone in your life, yanno? Like, how long am I going to have to wait? I don't want to be the guy that doesn't find someone until he's in his 40s, 50s, or later... I know people who have been dating for years, heck, I know people who are getting or are already married. It just kinda sucks always being on the outside looking in. Plus, even if I find the "right girl", and even if I do everything right, myself, there's still a chance she might not want to be with me, and that really sucks, too... I'm working at that stuff; I might not yet be exactly where I want to be with it all, but I'd like to think the effort is at least worth something, yanno? Anyway, I've seen people a lot worse off than me in certain aspects having somebody in their lives, which makes me wonder all the more why I can't seem to find "it" myself. I definitely understand. I'm 22 and have never dated. I have a few close female friends (even a couple have said I was their "best" friend) but none have ever had any romantic interest in me. I'm by no means a pushover, but I've always been the nurturing type at heart so I guess that plays into it. The important thing to remember is this: even if you're rejected, that just means that you're a step closer to finding the person you want to spend your life with. Keep positive thoughts in your head and really nothing can go wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 It just happens when it happens. Be ready for it when it does. Imagine that you are the store owner... you get your sidewalks all cleaned up. A fresh coat of paint on the building... Some nice plants out front... Then you perfectly merchandise the store itself... create a nice atmosphere... showcase the product with perfect lighting. But that "Big Whopper" cutomer walks in when they walk in. In sales they like to bust on new guys relating to the times when one guy goes on lunch break only to have that big customer walk in moments later point at the big commision item and say "I'll take it!!"... The point is be ready and on the look out. You need to do all of the things to "market yourself" and socialize expanding your network of friends. But random chance never let's you know when "She" is going to come into your life. Those guys around you that it has happened for already, maybe they just got thier "big customer" earlier than you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted October 14, 2012 Author Share Posted October 14, 2012 I've been thinking, though, and it occurs to me, there's always two sides to that coin. Some people say "It'll happen when it happens, just be patient", while others say "You have to go out and find it yourself, it won't just come to you". So, that makes the "answer" even more difficult to decipher. How do you know when to "wait" and when to "go looking"? Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 I've been thinking, though, and it occurs to me, there's always two sides to that coin. Some people say "It'll happen when it happens, just be patient", while others say "You have to go out and find it yourself, it won't just come to you". So, that makes the "answer" even more difficult to decipher. How do you know when to "wait" and when to "go looking"? It all depends on you and your own balance. As I would say, do your research. There are books and torrents for you to download if you need to. Link to post Share on other sites
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