Best friends is better than bf/gf?

[sylah]

My bf and I have been going out for 9 months. About two weeks ago, we got into a pretty bad fight and we didn't talk for a week. We don't fight all the time -- this is our second fight after 9 months. After a week, we finally met up and had a long talk and we agreed we'd take it a day at a time. He has a habit of getting defensive in a fight. I told him that I didn't know whether or not we're going to break up. He said he didn't know whether or not he wanted any relationship at all. We exchanged a whole bunch of words, basically saying that we both wanted to fix things. We ended up having sex and I spent the weekend at his place.

 

Prior to the fight, I felt like he baited me into saying that I want a commitment -- he kept bringing up marriage and this is where all my internal problems started. I started to get mad at him for stupid things and I couldn't figure out why. I felt a little pressured. Prior to the fight, he said that he could sense I'm scared. (Prior to this relationship, I was in a 5-year relationship where the guy REALLY broke my heart).

 

It took him about six months to say that he loves me and he says he can't say it right now. He tells me that I'm his best friend and that he lusts me. He said that a best friend relationship is better than bf/gf. Should his saying this trouble me? What does he mean?

[Meow]

Maybe I don't know enough about relationships to say much-- but as far as I can tell, a "friend with privelages" sort of relationship is just somebody's way of saying they want sex, but not a commitment without trying to hurt the other person. Would it really feel right waking up next to him in the morning, and he'd start talking abou a date with some other woman?

 

Really, if you went along with a "best friends + sex" sorta deal, and you had sincere feelings for him, I think you'd just be letting him use you. Because, even if you don't want to include sex in the mix, if he lusts for you, it's probably gonna happen if you hang around him a lot. Especially if you care about him a lot. And that's only gonna hurt more.

 

But it sounds like he just doesn't know how he feels. Maybe you should give him some time to figure it out? It sounds like maybe commitment is something heavy on his mind, in one way or another. Have you asked him what he wants from this relationship?

[sylah]

I woke up next to him this morning a little confused about how I feel. I like him a lot but I don't know if I love him.

 

He still tells people I'm his girlfriend. We went to a ballgame of his yesterday and he introduced me to someone as his girlfriend.

 

Our fight was primarily about trust issues. I don't think we established a comfortable level of trust before we became bf/gf. Strangely enough, our conversations are richer when we're here. Maybe we're both little fraidy cats of saying the "C" word. I wanted to join the military a while ago because it offers good training for technical skills. I wanted to go but he doesn't want me to go and although he can't stop me from going, I feel like I'm in limbo.

 

He's done things like encourage me to get a kitten -- I've been a little hesitant because I don't know where I want to go with my life and cats have a life expectancy of about 15 to 20 years, I think. I'm 32 but I feel like I have a lot of living I need to do.

 

I've done the friends with privileges thing before and I don't think this is what this is. This is weird and I've never encountered it.

 

I think I want him to be a free spirit with me. I want to go and experience the world and I would like it if he came with me but somehow I think he's into the sedentary life thing -- 2.5 kids, 1.75 cars, a house with a white picket fence -- I want to see him live with some passion with me. But, I can't impose passion on someone. If it's not for them, it's just not for them. But, it bothers me that everytime I think about this, he somehow tries to change the subject and start the chase again. He's done this before a few months ago.

 

Oh, what to do, what to do, what to do...I think I need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him this weekend.