This is probably stupid and delusional, so talk me off the ledge

[GreenPolicy]

October 2009 I met the woman that I thought was going to be my wife. I was 31 and she had just turned 30. It ended at the one-year mark in October 2010. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous that lasted as long as a year. Her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant. Her mom remarried when she was 5. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together.

 

Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. I fell in love. We started talking marriage after several months. I have a card from her from Valentine’s Day where she writes "Thank you for being the best boyfriend ever! I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I’ve found him. I thank God for you. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side." After we'd been together for a while, she told me about how she sat down with her parents and has a serious discussion about me. She told them I was The One, she was going to marry me and I was different from all the other guys she’d ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she’d ever been in and I was the best guy she'd ever had. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Before me, she had had no contact with him for three years. After we started dating, she broke three years of silence and told him that there was somebody she wanted him to meet. Her parents wanted to meet mine after she sat them down and told we were getting married.

 

Everything was going great. I was in love and very much looking forward to our future together. That summer we toured a historical home. I swelled with pride when she told the guide "We're going to get married and I want to know if you rent this space out for weddings and receptions." Her parents were clamoring to meet mine because they didn't want to wait until the wedding to meet their future in-laws. At dinner with her parents late that summer she told her mom in front of me "I was sitting out by the pool today after work and I kept thinking to myself 'You know, I really love that boy.'"

 

Around Labor Day, she emails me and says "We could get married at the _______ and have our reception at the _________. I love you fiance." Mid-September she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and didn't want to wait until the wedding. At the beginning of October we went to a jewelry convention to look at wedding bands together. Her birthday and Christmas was coming up. She told me all she wanted was gold hoop earrings. On a Monday morning in mid-October, I started looking online and emailed her asking her whether she wanted yellow gold or white gold earrings. She replies back, "Oh, I'm glad you asked that. I want yellow gold earrings but I want a white gold RING." Three days later on Thursday night I went over to her apartment for dinner. We usually got together once during the week. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday for a second job to pay for the ring. After dinner I'm sitting on the couch with her watching tv when my mom calls. My dad is an alcoholic. He had wrecked both vehicles pulling into the driveway. My mom wanted me to help her come get him and check him into a rehab facility. My ex asked if I wanted her to come but I said "No, I don't want you to see this. You shouldn't have to deal with this until we're married." We got him checked him in where he would be staying for the next month for treatment.

 

Two days later was a beautiful Saturday morning in mid-October. We had a wedding to go to that night for a friend of hers. We had four weddings to go to that fall, all for her friends and family members. We had already been to one a couple of weeks before. My ex texted me at nine in the morning asking to come over. I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early. I soon found out why.

 

This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. When she arrived, she said she doesn’t feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I told her I don’t feel neglected by her. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She said she doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don’t want to go to and don’t have to go to. I NEVER expressed any resentment about all these weddings for her friends/family and I told her this. The entire breakup conversation lasted about 20 minutes and she didn't say anything beyond what I already noted. The very last thing she said to me before walking out of my apartment was "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."

 

She's very religious and comes from a very conservative background. A couple of weeks before we broke up she made a very weird comment about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like "What the hell? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You’re not looking forward to that?" And she says "Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’d just rather be there now." There were also a few other occasions the last month we were together where she said she wished Jesus would come back already.

 

I never called/texted/emailed. I sent her gerber daisies, her favorite flowers, five days after the breakup. The card said "I love you. I miss you. My heart aches for you. You're my Rushmore." I got radio silence from her. So then two weeks after the breakup, I mailed her a snail letter. I basically just said that I respected her decision if she thought that was for the best, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling and that I loved her very much. And if she didn’t want to do that, then we couldn’t be friends or remain in touch. Three months went by with nothing but radio silence from her. My grandfather died. The day before the funeral she emailed me asking her for her bike back. I exchanged a couple of emails with her discussing the logistics of meeting up. Nothing of substance was discussed.

 

The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. We just exchanged pleasantries and that was it. Last thing I said was "I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life." And she said "Aww thank you" and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.

 

There's been no contact since then. It's been so long that I just assumed she was with somebody. Made it easier to leave it be. But there has been a small part of me that has carried false hope for a long time. I've dated since then, and other girls have come and gone, but I've thought about her often. Some times more than others.

 

Imagine my surprise when two weeks ago I saw her pop up on a dating site. There is a way to view her profile without being logged in and showing up on her list of visitors. Of the hundreds of profiles I've seen on there, hers is the only one where she just did the bare-bones of filling in her biographical data and not writing anything at all in the Personal About Me section. It has dredged up a lot of old emotions. I have resisted the impulse to contact her so far. I've been seeing a therapist for the last year and have made great strides in being at peace with the whole thing. He asked me if I wanted to contact her and so far I have told him that while there is a part of me that is dying to talk to her, I don't know that it's a good idea.

 

I've wondered if she's in a different place, and if anything good would come of sending her a short email. Then I think that no matter how light and casual the initial contact is, she will read much more into it. I wonder if it would make me pathetic to contact her after all this time.

[BlankSpace]

"You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."

 

I'm still boggled with this statement. Anyone care to explain it further? Is she hiding something else about her, and the statement was to facade it, or just wanted you don't feel bad about yourself and the statement just a BS way to get out?

 

Anyway, just hang in there. I hope something good will come, sooner rather than later. Just keep us posted on the situation.

[salem mark]

it would be pathetic to contact her, dont

 

she sounds very unstable, definitely needs deep therapy,

 

go NC and let her come to u, it may be a long time coming or never,

 

MOVE ON!!

[JamesM]

Let's assume that you get back together. Let's assume that you even get married. Do you think that she will stay committed if she cannot stay more than a year in a relationship?

 

For some reason, her upbringing and background has made her fear closeness even when she truly loves someone. It is possible that she loves you yet, but it is more possible that she doesn't feel worthy of a long term relationship with you.

 

And you seem like a guy who thinks he can fix her. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt...and thankfully was spared the pain that my friend had when she divorced him. People cannot be fixed.

 

I know how you feel, but I also know looking back more than 20 years that this girl for whatever reason was not ready for marriage then, and probably isn't now.

 

Having said that...and knowing that you want to connect with her....and if you are prepared for the emotional pain you may experience....satisfy your curiosity and send her an email. If she responds, please let us know what she says...because I am curious too why she broke it off with you.

[salem mark]

jamesm u need to reread this,

 

she talkin bout going to heaven, WTF!!

 

she kicked this guy to the curb like he was garbage he should be running for his life,

emailher,

r u joking??

[GreenPolicy]

I met a woman recently who I told my story to, and she told me that she was once my ex in a former incarnation, or somebody very similar to my ex, and that she did something very similar once to a former flame. She said she still has trouble feeling secure and comfortable in close, intimate relationships, but she is better thanks to lots of work on herself and years in therapy.

 

She told me that it is possible my ex has done some serious self-reflection about what happened, why she did what she did and her role in all of it. She's said it's probably more likely instead that she has chosen NOT to think about it, to chalk it up to some vague notion of incompatibility regarding the two of us and rewrite the history of our relationship to cope and be kinder to herself, i.e. I pressured her to commit and she went along with it not to be the "bad guy." When in reality while I was the first to talk about marriage and long-term plans, she ran with it and after that initiated that kind of stuff just as much as I did, if not more so.

 

She said don't expect much if I contact her, that if she responds at all:

 

"If she has problems allowing herself to be loved, then she won't react very well to any gestures of warmth or selflessness. This won't necessarily manifest in her acting mean - she will more likely be detached. You described how you thanked her, in your last encounter, for allowing you to be part of her life, and how she replied with a very bland Aww thanks. That to me seems like detachment: you made a grand, selfless gesture and she just couldn't handle what it meant."

 

She said I want acknowledgement of my value and what I went through from her, since she authored this pain. But that is the hardest person to get it from, because she probably hasn't processed her own guilt. She also said everything I've felt is completely normal. Some people just remain hooked like burrs in our imagination - who knows why. Something about who they are, and who we were when we were with them, it speaks to us on a deep level in a way that's hard to let go of.

 

There are a couple of things I kind of wish I could "set the record straight" on, without any expectation of her "getting it." A month before she left me, we were hanging out and, mind you, up to this point, things have been consistently wonderful. My therapist says we are essentially narcissists in that we subconsciously assume everybody else experiences reality in the same way we do...i.e. this pizza tastes delicious to me so you must find it tasty and delicious as well...I assumed she was experiencing our relationship in the same way I was. I think for the longest time it was similar for her as it was for me or she wouldn't have stayed as long as she did. Anyways, we're sitting there on the couch, and we've been talking recently about getting the parents together, going to look at rings together, and she says out of nowhere "I've had guys tell me that they loved me before and wanted to marry me, how do I know you're different?" This floored me, because of course I was "all in" and had never acted in a way that suggested otherwise. I of course did my best to reassure her, and chalked it up to the time as "Well, we're about to take a big step forward, and girls are needier and more neurotic than guys, so this is just typical female behavior on her part." It took on more significance when she left a month later. The other thing is that when she broke up with me, she said she was sparing me from having to attend weddings for her friends and family I didn't want to go to. That stung, because I loved this woman deeply, and I didn't care if we were on a romantic getaway vacation on a beach somewhere or stuck in a DMV or a tax seminar. Being with her was a gift no matter what we were doing. Why the hell would I be resentful about going to weddings with her? I had a good time with her at the first one - the reception was this swank affair at a country club.

 

I kind of want to tell her that she was wrong to question my commitment to her and assign to me feelings I did not have. But if her response to that is to pat me on the head and say "Aww, thanks," then I'd feel foolish.

Edited October 10, 2012 by GreenPolicy

[JamesM]

jamesm u need to reread this,

 

I did...again.

 

she talkin bout going to heaven, WTF!!

 

It sounded like she was in a depression at the time, and believed that her pain would all be gone if she could just go to Heaven. It is common that people who are depressed want the pain to go away and say things that reflect that.

 

Believing in Heaven is not a problem nor the issue, and this was two years ago.

 

she kicked this guy to the curb like he was garbage he should be running for his life,

 

I agree. Reread MY post.

 

emailher,

r u joking??

 

No, but I added that part knowing that if GP is like me (and many people) he will want to connect with her just to give himself some closure. I did not say to begin dating her. I said to send an email.

 

Her response will give him an idea of what she is now like and whether his feelings for her are still there. I suspect that his feelings are not as strong as he thinks, but they are based on the good memories that are covering up the pain from the bad memories that he had in the past.

 

GP, my first advice is to leave her alone, but if your curiosity is strong, then send an email. Remember...she caused you alot of pain and she left you when the word commitment became real to her.

[GreenPolicy]

I did...again.

 

 

 

It sounded like she was in a depression at the time, and believed that her pain would all be gone if she could just go to Heaven. It is common that people who are depressed want the pain to go away and say things that reflect that.

 

Believing in Heaven is not a problem nor the issue, and this was two years ago.

 

 

 

I agree. Reread MY post.

 

 

 

No, but I added that part knowing that if GP is like me (and many people) he will want to connect with her just to give himself some closure. I did not say to begin dating her. I said to send an email.

 

Her response will give him an idea of what she is now like and whether his feelings for her are still there. I suspect that his feelings are not as strong as he thinks, but they are based on the good memories that are covering up the pain from the bad memories that he had in the past.

 

GP, my first advice is to leave her alone, but if your curiosity is strong, then send an email. Remember...she caused you alot of pain and she left you when the word commitment became real to her.

 

First 4-5 months after she left I was in deep shock and denial. Had a lot of trouble processing it. After my flowers and letter went unanswered, I never initiated contact after that. When that initial trauma wore off, I spent about the next 10 months endlessly replaying the whole thing, deeply ruminating about it. Finally last December I sought out my therapist I see now. In our first session he said that it's kind of like when a parent has a child go missing, and until the child either comes home or the body is found, there is just no closure. He strongly pushed me in our first session to contact her, and I just wasn't ready to do that. He pushed me again after I told him about seeing her on a dating site. As for her being in a better place now, I couldn't have it on my conscience to abandon somebody like that. I go back and forth on contacting her. I think what I use to talk myself out of it is "If she were truly in a better place, she would be willing to make amends to me." If I had hurt somebody that badly, I would apologize. It's not leaving that is the crime, people have free will to leave relationships and pursue what they feel is best for them. But the way she handled it was wrong.

[JamesM]

I go back and forth on contacting her. I think what I use to talk myself out of it is "If she were truly in a better place, she would be willing to make amends to me." If I had hurt somebody that badly, I would apologize. It's not leaving that is the crime, people have free will to leave relationships and pursue what they feel is best for them. But the way she handled it was wrong.

 

She may never have contacted you, because she figures you hate her. She may simply be scared.

 

If it gives you closure to contact her, then do it. Will you be strong enough not to let yourself fall for her if she wants you?

 

Doesn't the way she handled this whole breakup say alot about her? Do you really want to be with someone like her?

 

I would agree with your counselor...and based on what you said, I would encourage you to email her for closure. For me, it would be the fear of her response that would keep me from emailing her, yet the regret of never knowing would force me to contact her.

[GreenPolicy]

She may never have contacted you, because she figures you hate her. She may simply be scared.

 

If it gives you closure to contact her, then do it. Will you be strong enough not to let yourself fall for her if she wants you?

 

Doesn't the way she handled this whole breakup say alot about her? Do you really want to be with someone like her?

 

I would agree with your counselor...and based on what you said, I would encourage you to email her for closure. For me, it would be the fear of her response that would keep me from emailing her, yet the regret of never knowing would force me to contact her.

 

About 9 months after she left me, I started doing online dating again. I wasn't really ready, but I figured it was one of those things I needed to try to get on with my life. One day I received a message from somebody I did not recognize. I go to log in and look at this person's profile. She had several pictures up of her and her friends. Guess who appeared in two of the pictures? I thought I had met everybody important in my ex's life when we were together, so this friend of hers is either somebody she met after we parted or somebody she reconnected with. The message the friend sent me was pretty short, it just said "Hey, how are you? Just wanted to say you have lovely taste in music."

 

I was going to ignore it, but something compelled me to reply. I wrote:

 

"Hi,

I appreciate you writing and want to say thanks for the compliment, but I am not interested in conversing with you any further. I will say, however, you have good taste in friends. C_______ (my ex's name) is a lovely and remarkable woman with a beautiful soul. Good luck with your search and take care.

 

D______ (my real name)"

 

 

I figured this got back to my ex.

[GreenPolicy]

She may never have contacted you, because she figures you hate her. She may simply be scared.

 

If it gives you closure to contact her, then do it. Will you be strong enough not to let yourself fall for her if she wants you?

 

Doesn't the way she handled this whole breakup say alot about her? Do you really want to be with someone like her?

 

I would agree with your counselor...and based on what you said, I would encourage you to email her for closure. For me, it would be the fear of her response that would keep me from emailing her, yet the regret of never knowing would force me to contact her.

 

Also, if I were to contact her, how could I convey a sense of forgiveness, empathy and compassion towards her without saying something haughty or douchey like "I forgive you."

[salem mark]

gp u sound delusional,as your thread title suggests

 

I'm not trying to be cruel, just telling u the truth

 

many times there isnt closure and thats it, its done, final, over.

[JamesM]

Also, if I were to contact her, how could I convey a sense of forgiveness, empathy and compassion towards her without saying something haughty or douchey like "I forgive you."

 

You can only convey forgiveness if you feel it IMO. Don't try to tell her that you forgive her if you don't. You can convey a lack of anger towards her by being as civil as possible. You cannot offer forgiveness...she needs to ask for it.

 

You can send an email simply asking how she is without being too detailed. This puts the ball in her court and the response is up to her. BTW, if you noticed her on this dating site, it is possible that she knows you are on there as well.

 

 

gp u sound delusional,as your thread title suggests

 

I'm not trying to be cruel, just telling u the truth

 

Actually, you are giving an opinion. And I disagree.

[geegirl]

You have tried several times to convey your desire to work it out with her only to receive indifference. It's not your responsibility to revisit the possibility of someone wanting to be with you, especially when they have dumped you. It is the responsibility of your ex to reach out to you because she has discovered that losing you was the biggest mistake in her life.

 

Why is it also your responsibility to convey to her that you forgive her when she has not in any way expressed her need for your forgiveness. I would understand if she sobbingly begged you for it, expressing remorse but if it's not an issue for her to want it, why do you believe you have to give it and even worse, announce it to her? Forgiveness does not have to be announced. You feel it within and it sets you free. If someone requests it, you give it. If they don't, they don't need it.

 

You've reached out everytime hoping to hear something different and each time you never gotten the response you've hoped for.

 

When someone tells you that they do not want to be with you, regardless of what their reasons are, the FACT remains. Grasp that and let her go. If she isn't banging on your door wanting to reconcile, you shouldn't be throwing out bait hoping she'll bite. Stop trying to justify your contact as forgiveness, showing compassion, etc. when all it is, is you wanting to test the waters to see where her head is.

 

And it's great you will apologize if you hurt someone badly. She isn't you. Don't project your expectations and desires on someone else.

 

You are delusional. And yes, as a woman, if I've a rejected a man several times for him to yet again make contact, I would find it very unattractive.

[GreenPolicy]

You have tried several times to convey your desire to work it out with her only to receive indifference...if I've a rejected a man several times for him to yet again make contact, I would find it very unattractive.

 

I initiated contact twice within two weeks of the breakup and have been NC ever since. But I understand and grudgingly agree with the rest of what you saying. Let's put it this way: when it comes to subject of her, I am "drunk." I always appreciate the perspective of people that are sober and have no emotional investment in the situation.

[geegirl]

I initiated contact twice within two weeks of the breakup and have been NC ever since. But I understand and grudgingly agree with the rest of what you saying. Let's put it this way: when it comes to subject of her, I am "drunk." I always appreciate the perspective of people that are sober and have no emotional investment in the situation.

 

I'll rephrase it. If you have initiated contact twice only to receive indifference, then twice is one too many, especially when they have rejected you.

[JamesM]

 

I never called/texted/emailed. I sent her gerber daisies, her favorite flowers, five days after the breakup. The card said "I love you. I miss you. My heart aches for you. You're my Rushmore." I got radio silence from her. So then two weeks after the breakup, I mailed her a snail letter. I basically just said that I respected her decision if she thought that was for the best, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling and that I loved her very much. And if she didn’t want to do that, then we couldn’t be friends or remain in touch. Three months went by with nothing but radio silence from her. My grandfather died. The day before the funeral she emailed me asking her for her bike back. I exchanged a couple of emails with her discussing the logistics of meeting up. Nothing of substance was discussed.

 

The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. We just exchanged pleasantries and that was it. Last thing I said was "I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life." And she said "Aww thank you" and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.

 

There's been no contact since then.

 

So your last contact was about 18 months ago?

 

Did you meet in person when she got the bike? Is that the four minute encounter?

[GreenPolicy]

So your last contact was about 18 months ago?

 

Did you meet in person when she got the bike? Is that the four minute encounter?

 

Yes that is the four-minute encounter.

[BlankSpace]

Hey GP, I highly recommend you to read No Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover Ph.D.

[Sugarkane]

Hi GreenPolicy, I hope you dont think about having a recon with this woman. You have told me before I shouldnt either, no matter what! Your ex should be begging you back and actually making some effort. I think shes an idiot if she doesn't see what shes lost. Nothing this woman did ever makes remotely any sense. If she's so religious/ conservative why was she against marrying you? You always told me not to break NC, yet you did anyway. And she was still a coward.

[Sugarkane]

I feel it's a shame- she should've seeked therapy about her Comittment phobia.

[GreenPolicy]

Hi GreenPolicy, I hope you dont think about having a recon with this woman. You have told me before I shouldnt either, no matter what! Your ex should be begging you back and actually making some effort. I think shes an idiot if she doesn't see what shes lost. Nothing this woman did ever makes remotely any sense. If she's so religious/ conservative why was she against marrying you? You always told me not to break NC, yet you did anyway. And she was still a coward.

 

I have not broken NC. Was on the fence before submitting this thread, trying to be at peace with my decision to keep to it.

[Sugarkane]

I have not broken NC. Was on the fence before submitting this thread, trying to be at peace with my decision to keep to it.

 

I know but in the past you did.

[todreaminblue]

October 2009 I met the woman that I thought was going to be my wife. I was 31 and she had just turned 30. It ended at the one-year mark in October 2010. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous that lasted as long as a year. Her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant. Her mom remarried when she was 5. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together.

 

Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. I fell in love. We started talking marriage after several months. I have a card from her from Valentine’s Day where she writes "Thank you for being the best boyfriend ever! I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I’ve found him. I thank God for you. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side." After we'd been together for a while, she told me about how she sat down with her parents and has a serious discussion about me. She told them I was The One, she was going to marry me and I was different from all the other guys she’d ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she’d ever been in and I was the best guy she'd ever had. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Before me, she had had no contact with him for three years. After we started dating, she broke three years of silence and told him that there was somebody she wanted him to meet. Her parents wanted to meet mine after she sat them down and told we were getting married.

 

Everything was going great. I was in love and very much looking forward to our future together. That summer we toured a historical home. I swelled with pride when she told the guide "We're going to get married and I want to know if you rent this space out for weddings and receptions." Her parents were clamoring to meet mine because they didn't want to wait until the wedding to meet their future in-laws. At dinner with her parents late that summer she told her mom in front of me "I was sitting out by the pool today after work and I kept thinking to myself 'You know, I really love that boy.'"

 

Around Labor Day, she emails me and says "We could get married at the _______ and have our reception at the _________. I love you fiance." Mid-September she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and didn't want to wait until the wedding. At the beginning of October we went to a jewelry convention to look at wedding bands together. Her birthday and Christmas was coming up. She told me all she wanted was gold hoop earrings. On a Monday morning in mid-October, I started looking online and emailed her asking her whether she wanted yellow gold or white gold earrings. She replies back, "Oh, I'm glad you asked that. I want yellow gold earrings but I want a white gold RING." Three days later on Thursday night I went over to her apartment for dinner. We usually got together once during the week. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday for a second job to pay for the ring. After dinner I'm sitting on the couch with her watching tv when my mom calls. My dad is an alcoholic. He had wrecked both vehicles pulling into the driveway. My mom wanted me to help her come get him and check him into a rehab facility. My ex asked if I wanted her to come but I said "No, I don't want you to see this. You shouldn't have to deal with this until we're married." We got him checked him in where he would be staying for the next month for treatment.

 

Two days later was a beautiful Saturday morning in mid-October. We had a wedding to go to that night for a friend of hers. We had four weddings to go to that fall, all for her friends and family members. We had already been to one a couple of weeks before. My ex texted me at nine in the morning asking to come over. I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early. I soon found out why.

 

This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. When she arrived, she said she doesn’t feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I told her I don’t feel neglected by her. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She said she doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don’t want to go to and don’t have to go to. I NEVER expressed any resentment about all these weddings for her friends/family and I told her this. The entire breakup conversation lasted about 20 minutes and she didn't say anything beyond what I already noted. The very last thing she said to me before walking out of my apartment was "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."

 

She's very religious and comes from a very conservative background. A couple of weeks before we broke up she made a very weird comment about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like "What the hell? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You’re not looking forward to that?" And she says "Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’d just rather be there now." There were also a few other occasions the last month we were together where she said she wished Jesus would come back already.

 

I never called/texted/emailed. I sent her gerber daisies, her favorite flowers, five days after the breakup. The card said "I love you. I miss you. My heart aches for you. You're my Rushmore." I got radio silence from her. So then two weeks after the breakup, I mailed her a snail letter. I basically just said that I respected her decision if she thought that was for the best, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling and that I loved her very much. And if she didn’t want to do that, then we couldn’t be friends or remain in touch. Three months went by with nothing but radio silence from her. My grandfather died. The day before the funeral she emailed me asking her for her bike back. I exchanged a couple of emails with her discussing the logistics of meeting up. Nothing of substance was discussed.

 

The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. We just exchanged pleasantries and that was it. Last thing I said was "I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life." And she said "Aww thank you" and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.

 

There's been no contact since then. It's been so long that I just assumed she was with somebody. Made it easier to leave it be. But there has been a small part of me that has carried false hope for a long time. I've dated since then, and other girls have come and gone, but I've thought about her often. Some times more than others.

 

Imagine my surprise when two weeks ago I saw her pop up on a dating site. There is a way to view her profile without being logged in and showing up on her list of visitors. Of the hundreds of profiles I've seen on there, hers is the only one where she just did the bare-bones of filling in her biographical data and not writing anything at all in the Personal About Me section. It has dredged up a lot of old emotions. I have resisted the impulse to contact her so far. I've been seeing a therapist for the last year and have made great strides in being at peace with the whole thing. He asked me if I wanted to contact her and so far I have told him that while there is a part of me that is dying to talk to her, I don't know that it's a good idea.

 

I've wondered if she's in a different place, and if anything good would come of sending her a short email. Then I think that no matter how light and casual the initial contact is, she will read much more into it. I wonder if it would make me pathetic to contact her after all this time.

 

This is a mind bender....i too like blankspace am boggling at the "You are everything i wanted in a man, but I cant get married" as she was the one who pushed for it.....i dont know I am the type to keep hoping for a good reason for someone to do this to soemone truth is I just don't know......Only Your ex does....... the fact she is on a dating site now must be hard considering she let your future together go......

 

 

People probably wont tell you to do what I am going to say....write that email letter ask her for honesty and closure.Dont mention the dating site.....Ask her why she said what she said about not getting married but thinking you were everything she wanted in a man.....she made a promise to you by wearing an engagement ring....its an intention.....the least you deserve is closure.......and she is the only one who can give you that.....i hope she gives it to you.......I could not do this to anyone but if it were me..feelings of love dont die for no good reason.also the heaven adn wanting to go ....sounds like she migth be depressed with life in general......its a bit confusing in that respect....I would want you to have closure so hopefully your ex is a compassionate woman too......deb

[Sugarkane]

I think GreenPolicy's ex is too much of a coward to even answer him.

This is a mind bender....i too like blankspace am boggling at the "You are everything i wanted in a man, but I cant get married" as she was the one who pushed for it.....i dont know I am the type to keep hoping for a good reason for someone to do this to soemone truth is I just don't know......Only Your ex does....... the fact she is on a dating site now must be hard considering she let your future together go......

 

 

People probably wont tell you to do what I am going to say....write that email letter ask her for honesty and closure.Dont mention the dating site.....Ask her why she said what she said about not getting married but thinking you were everything she wanted in a man.....she made a promise to you by wearing an engagement ring....its an intention.....the least you deserve is closure.......and she is the only one who can give you that.....i hope she gives it to you.......I could not do this to anyone but if it were me..feelings of love dont die for no good reason.also the heaven adn wanting to go ....sounds like she migth be depressed with life in general......its a bit confusing in that respect....I would want you to have closure so hopefully your ex is a compassionate woman too......deb