Is second chance possible with broken trust/cancelled wedding? 3 months no contact?

[sally1530]

Okay, its been 3 months... I still love this guy with all my heart and dont know why. He decieved me , and I guess I invaded his privacy.. so breach of trust on both sides. but I was willing to work out things... I was willing to take half the blame... but didnt want to pay for half the cancelled wedding costs... he cancelled the wedding he should pay for it ... right?

 

Anyway, he hates me ... and said not to contact him anymore... is this true or is he just really hurting? Can feelings change?> I know after 3 months I still miss him and love him and would take him back in a heart beat... but I dont think he feels the same...

 

Can people get back together after the man cancels the wedding 28 days before its supposed to happen? Can he be truely happy with his decision... or is he feeling like me? Its been 3 months now... one month without contact... we left it in bad words.... we both think the other is wrong...even though I have confessed to maybe contribuiting half... he hasnt bugded or even been sorry about anything...

 

Is there no hope at all? How will I continue to live my life knowing I still love this man? Its been the hardest 3 months of my life... what should I do>

 

Here is my original post:

 

 

Wedding cancelled/internet cheating/moved out/what to do?

 

My finance and I dated for 8 months, very happy, then on Christmas day he proposed with no pressure from me, I was truly surprised and happy. We lived separately and then we planned at may 22nd, 2004 wedding, it was kinda a stressful situation for us , I moved in in early march, things were tight with time to plan the wedding, he seemed to be okay, except it seemed like he was getting cold feet... he's almost 38 and never been in a relationship more than a year. Never been married yet, no kids. I am 34 and have had a 7 year relationship and no marriage or kids. We both seemed to want the same things, marriage , kids, family, happiness...

 

I don't know what went wrong, but he insisted on having a stripper, for the bachelor party, we got into many disagreements and he wouldn't give it up, I then found out a week before my shower he was online with his profile and picture on lava-life looking for intimate encounters (sexual) with women for our entire engagement of 4 months. He was mad that I found out. He also admitted he was on some porn sites too. I got mad , I thought we made up, I told him I could forgive him and that we would need to work on building our trust with one another again. I think he was very scared to commit. Anyway everything seemed fine for a few days, he sent me "I love you" email's...etc. then that Friday night before the Saturday morning wedding shower, I come home to our house, and he said he has already canceled the wedding and I need to move out the next day. So I did. He went to two consuling sessions with me and we were blaming each other and its wasn't very nice. He wanted the ring back and for me to pay 1/2 of the wedding cost.. well number one I gave him back the ring , cause he said he might have made a mistake and wanted to be able to give it back to me another time in the future if things work out for us... right? hello, my first mistake.... second I made him pay all the wedding costs and penalties because he is the one who called it off. He sent out to our families without my knowledge " mutual consent" cards that we both agreed to walk away from the marriage... not what happened... he has had no more contact with me at all its been almost a month... I still love him and didn't think things were that bad to cancel the wedding, maybe postpone to a later date so we could work on things... but to be so drastic and sudden,, really hurt.

 

He asked for "space" or "time" to figure out what he wants in life and to work on his issues... Does this mean its truly over? Can he just walk away, one month ago he loved me and now he dosent? What should I do? He is completely closing me off... no calls, no emails, no visits.... he hasn't even told his family and friends anything exept that we were working things out to some family members and other friends he said we have "irreconsiable differences". What should I do, my heart is aching , I miss him and he is the love of my life, what to do? Will he come back to me? Should I go to him? How long is "time" ? 6 months??? a year? Never?

 

He has told me that I focused too much emotional time on recovering from my mothers sudden death last august and that since we got engaged on christmas that we didnt have enough " us" time while I was planning the wedding.... he wanted to be engaged longer.... I was living with him from early march to end of april when he broke it off. He said I didnt give him enough attention .... well we had no problems in the bedroom.... I know that... but he just wanted to play " x-box" this video game and be on his computer like 15-20 hours a week .... so almost every other night from 9pm-1am he would do this...I didnt realize while I was sleeping in the next room he was chatting with gals on the internet asking them to send him naked pictures.... whats wrong with him... Im beautiful, fit, there in his bed, wanting him to open up emotionally to me.... and he wants to excape to fantancy>>>

 

He hasnt tried to contact me anymore... for a week now... dont think I will be hearing from him... he told his parents " something was missing " in our relationship and he had doubts.... well, humm that would be honest, trust and respect >>>> I agree something was missing. I gave him those things and more. He didnt appricate them.

 

I just cant believe one month ago we were together and things seems fine. Now things are not at all... It seems like a nightmare I cant get out of ... it totally sucks... how could he play me like this.... why?

 

He hasnt said hes sorry, or even that he cheated.... he said he didnt cross the " emotional or physical line" so thats not cheating... what is that???

 

I could have accepted that fact that he had doubts and was scared to committ, but just giving up on us and quitting like that and shutting me out... well that I dont understand...

[sally1530]

is there no hope? Im so missing him and wanting to be with him... what can I do to clean this mess up?

[Debster]

Why on earth would you want him back? I think you are just scared right now of being alone and are willing to settle for a man who lies, cheats and has complete disregard for your feelings.

[Erratic Echo]

Hey Sally,

 

Apparently the "LavaLife" site seems to pretty popular! I found my boyfriend's profile on there, in the Intimate Encounters section, can someone get any more disgusting than that? (don't answer that!!!) How could they not only be that horrible, let alone jeopardizing your personal health? But, at least he had a sensitive side- he was also on LoveAccess.com where he said "I've accomplished a lot in my life, and now I'm ready to start a meaningful relationship." I guess I was chopped liver???

 

ANYWAY!! I am coming from a pretty similar situation- we were together for two years, he's 36 years old & never been married, either. Maybe that was a sign?? Not to be cruel, because you're obviously still very much in love with him (same w/me), but if someone can hurt/disrepect you that much, then it's really a lost cause at this point. I have just recently come to that conclusion, and it's very difficult, but I finally realized he was never going to quit (he was still talking to other women even after I confronted him & he cried his eyes out saying he'd never hurt me again) but I know there are good guys out there that can be good to the "good girls" like us. They ARE out there- you deserve better.

 

Hang in there, and be strong!!

[sally1530]

Erratic Echo:

 

Its good to know in a way that Im not alone... I think im having such a issue with it is because , I did really love him and he showed me my dream " getting married, having kids, nice house, good looking husband, nice family and friends.. I had just lost my mother suddenly 5 months into our relationship and was trying to deal with that huge loss in my life. I come from a small family.... he came from a very large family... I never pressured him about marriage, in fact never really spoke of it until we were engaged. We never fought until the ring was on my finger... then I think he freaked out...

 

He claimes I was not open to his family and to him... when I have never been so open with anyone or group of people in my life, I put myself out there , shared my dreams, my frustrations, my wants, my sorrows and deepest longings. I just dont know how much more I could have been more open to him.... I shared everything with him... my heart , my soul, my life... and it still wasnt enough.

 

Im sad today, because tomorrow is his 38th birthday, I remember how happy we were last year at this time, and now I wonder who is taking my place tomorrow. It sucks that I am such a romantic, and believe that anything can be worked on if both parties are willing.

 

I have never been so hurt and abondoned in my life, I feel so alone in this world, I question what kind of person I am because of all the nasty things he said to me.. I wonder will I ever be able to trust a man again? Im 35 and will I ever get married and have children? It seems like he has blown my chance at that... I feel like he has wreaked my life. Ive lost 11 pounds in 3 months... and I seem to be pretty depressed, im seeing a counclor, but I thought after a reasonable amount of time it would get better... each day is an extreme stuggle, not to cry, I think of him all the time... and miss him so much... I never wanted to be single again. Now look where im at...

 

I fear that I will always feel this way, my heart still breaks each and every day... I dont understand why I cant get over this and move on... he seems to have forgotten me very quickly and says cancelling the wedding was the best decision of his life.

 

I never knew people could be so cruel, to someone they loved. I cant believe it... its so disappointing to me.

[sally1530]

anyone else out there that has a similar senario?

[SoleMate]

sally, I'm hurting for you so much. But to answer your question...it is very unlikely you could ever get this guy back, and that is ultimately good luck for you. I understand he showed you the dream and you got to believe it, but it wasn't real and he wasn't real. Please get some counselling or read some self-help books. You deserve way better than a nonstop cheater.

[Erratic Echo]

Sally,

 

If it's any consolation, I am going through the same things as you. We had made all the plans for our future, he always said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And we had very few problems, we were best friends (we still remain friends) and laughed and cried and did everything together. He said I never left him wanting for anything- that he couldn't ask for anything more.

 

Please don't be offended, but maybe you can look at this as a saving grace of sorts. If he's so mean to you, and doesn't seem to care, maybe you're better off for not having married him? My guy was so sweet to me, and although I'm not naive, I just felt like we got along so well, our love was strong & deep, and he always wanted to be by my side. I was honestly blindsided when I found everything out. He always told me that I was the love of his life (he still does) and I know he's mine. But just like your guy, he's in his mid/late thirties and just couldn't make up his mind, and worst of all, he hurt me so badly, that like you, I wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone again. But you know what? We will- it's just a matter of giving yourself time to grieve about this- I sure do- I cry every night- and spending time doing fun things for yourself. But I understand about the hurting- I walk around feeling like someone punched me in the stomach- that low, sinking, aching feeling that doesn't go away, I go through bouts of anger, and blaming myself (for being so stupid), to crying at the drop of a hat, to wondering the purely rhetorical question, WHY???

 

But just know, you are not alone- I can honestly say I know how you feel. I've been thinking about a brighter future and new possibilities, and I've been going walking, too- helps with the stress & anxiety.

 

I really hope everything works out for you- I know your heart will heal from all this eventually. Take care

[sally1530]

Thanks it nice to know that this is a normal feeling... Everyone says for me to stop thinking about it and move on...but I just cant get it out of my head... I want to stop thinking about it.. I wish I never laid eyes on him... Im mad he did this to me... but love and miss the man I fell in love with...

 

Anyway, how long has it been for you since the breakup? Should I be over this in 3 months? or is more time needed.... ugggg

 

I just want to be happy again, even if its alone...

[FreeMe]

He was caught being a sleezebag and is now trying to blame you for things not working out. You weren't open to him or his family? What kind of load of crud is that? He's making bull up to justify his behavior. He's treating you mean because you messed up his plan of having a nice, attractive wife who was in love with him and still living his single life besides. HE needs time to think?? I'd tell him to take the rest of his life.

 

I know this is devastating you, but you should be glad you found this out before the wedding. Imagine finding it out a few months after the wedding.

[sally1530]

Thats what everyone keeps telling me... that I was lucky to find out now instead of later... if it was just curioustiy like he said... which I dont believe... then why did he cancel the wedding.. after I forgave him? Why didnt he want to work on things if it was such a innocent thing?

 

I spoke with one of his friends yesterday... and she said that he hasnt said anything to her since it happened 3 months ago... I guess hes really not saying very much and keeping it to himself...so maybe he does think he is wrong... i dont know. But Ive told him Im happy now and found someone else... (not really , but I didnt want him to think I was sitting at home thinking about him). He got very mad... well maybe he shouldnt have been doing what he was doing and canceling the wedding... Im free to do what I want with my life after he cancelled the weddding and kicked me out of his house and life...so what if I said im happy and moving on...isnt that what he wanted me to do?

 

Anyway today is his 38th birthday... I have a 2nd date with a handsome man and we are going to dinner and seeing a movie tonight. Last year, my ex said was the happiest birthday he ever had, I took him out to a really nice dinner and put on a sexy dress for him.... now his friend says hes alone...no girlfriend... hmmm maybe he will be alone tonight... which would be good for him... he threw away a great future with me.... just because he needed to be looking a more women...

 

hope he learned his lesson. Im moving on.

[Erratic Echo]

Actually, it's only been official for about a week- but it's been a month of "we don't know" with the crying, and me asking questions like, "why" amongst many others. Don't set a time limit for yourself to get over this. Take the time you need- everyone heals differently. As long as you can see that things are improving a little bit, day by day, that's all you need to worry about.

 

I am angry too, and the weird thing is that because he was my best friend in the relationship, we have decided to continue on as friends. I want to scream at him and ask, "Why did you have to do this? Not only to me, but to us??!!!" but then I remind myself that it just was not meant to be- he will always be looking for something better, and I actually feel sorry for him- he's incredibly scared of still being a bachelor when he's 40 years old, and with his track record, it's looks like he may well be. But that was his decision- he had a good girl that loved him, made him happy, took care of him, etc. And he let me go. Of course, he is very upset and says he can't even picture his life without me by his side- and it would kill him if I found someone else and got married to them. But again, he made his choices- again and again- and these are his own consequences. Unfortunately, I have to feel them too.

 

Anyway, be good to yourself, Sally- and don't let anyone tell you to get "over it". You need your own space and time to do this. And by the way, on my end, it's nice to hear that other people are going through the same thing and are having the same feelings as me. And CONGRATS on the date with the handsome guy!! Too bad the ex has to be alone and deal with his own consequences, awe, poor guy..LOL!!

[sally1530]

Yeah, I know its going to take a while to get over this... I think I just need to try and be happy without him and know that I did everything I could for him and it just wasnt enough. I loved him with all my heart, and he left me and kicked me out of his life... I am not what he needs or wants... thats okay, I want to find someone who will be excited to marry me and want to spend the rest of their life with me.. and someone who doesnt have doubts... someone who is 100% sure that im the one ....

 

I contunue my search, knowing that god did this for a purpose so that I can be truely happy in the long run... not the short term.

 

Hang in there too... there is strengh in numbers!!