Never Stopped Seeing My Ex and I Want Her Back Officially...

[Tim]

My ex and I broke up in October of 2003 (me met in June of 2001) . We were living together and things had crawled to a place of no passion, mixed messages, heated arguments, etc... So she moved out and I stayed. Since then, we've dated other people, had flings, and moved on with our social lives.

 

BUT we've also seen each other consistently since our breakup. We've grown as friends (it would seem that the stress of not being a 'couple' has put us in a more relaxed state), still gone out for walks/talks, movies, clubs and still been intimate with each other. In short, nothing has changed between us except for the official commitment.

 

So it's ten months later and we've both been in this routine of seeing each other once or twice a week. We generally have a really good time and the hurts of the past are almost always ignored. BUT she's also expressed serious interest in moving away from the city we live in. Permanently.

 

When she told me this, I was devastated. It's taken me three full years (and ten months of being officially broken up) for me to realize that I love her. That I don't want to be with anyone else. That I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

That I want to marry her and be a good husband.

 

The problem is I don't think she's interested anymore. I think she's content to just stay 'buddies' and not take things too seriously. I've noticed that sometimes she'll take days to return my calls or just not return them at all, change her mind about plans we make to go out, question me about my personal life beyond her, etc... And yet she'll also be affectionate, hold my hand, hug and kiss, call me honey (sometimes), be intimate with me, etc... It's so confusing and painful.

 

I love her. I want to be with her. What can I do?

[Lonestar]

Test her with no contact, and see how she reacts. It may enough to turn her around. Although I wouldn't recommend absolutely NO contact, just limited contact. Don't always be available, don't always answer the phone or call her back. Be busy instead of always meeting her, but be as nice as possible. Let her wonder a little bit, and it may draw her to you.

[Debster]

I say the opposite. Tell her how you feel. That way you will know where you stand and will be able to reopen your relationship or finally put an end to it.

[murasaki]

You were together for more than 2 years, and only now, after 10 months of not being together "officially," you realize that you love her?

 

OK. I can believe this. It's possible anyway. But it kind of suggests that you're not very attuned to yourself emotionally. Yeah, yeah, you needed some time and space to figure things out. But you were with her for more than two years, and have spent ten months in this in-between state -- took you long enough! Which is fine, but think about it for a minute: what took you so long? The other possibility is that you're just so afraid to lose the best chance you've got right now at love & intimacy (sexual & otherwise) that you'll cling to it -- even though it's not really a realistic chance.

 

But let's assume that you really do love her, that you're not just clinging. It's taken you a heck of a long time to figure out that you love her. Meanwhile it seems that she has moved away from the idea of being in love with you, although obviously she still cares a lot. When you two were together, did she love you? Did she say it to you? Was it obvious, and was the fact that you weren't head-over-heels about her part of what made things difficult between you?

 

If so, game playing like "no contact" or other kinds of "testing the water" is so not the way to go. You need to be decisive and straight-forward.

 

Actually, even if it wasn't clear (to you at least) that she was ever in love with you, I think you need to be decisive and straight-forward if you know that you love her. Real love shouldn't be about playing games. You're not trying to "trick" her into falling in love (or back in love) with you! That would be silly anyway.

 

Just be honest. If you can't be honest, how would it ever work, even if it turns out she loves you too?

[Tim]

Thanks for the replies and I sincerely hope that more are coming as they are helping...

 

In reply to some of the posts here, yes it did take me two and a half years of dating and ten months of being 'officially' apart for me to realize that I love her. That I sincerely love her and want to be with her. And yes, I am (obviously) out of touch with myself emotionally (although I am working on that consciously and every day now). And yes, a huge part of our friction as a couple was me being emotionally distant while she wasn't. I was also a jerk in terms of emotional support. I was selfish, rude, and took her for granted. Qualities that I am now desperately trying to change on a permanent level.

 

And I'm also positive that my love for her isn't out of desperation or fear that this could be my last chance at something special. I've been seeing other women -a few different women -and they've all been wonderful, attentive, and compassionate people. Any guy would be thankful for their company but all I can think about is my ex. She's the only woman I want to be with. I realize that now. Unfortunately it may be too late. I think she's fine with seeing me, talking, sharing, and being intimate -but not commiting.

 

I've tried contacting her twice in the past two days -both by phone. No return call. And yet I saw her on Sunday and Monday. We had dinner, watched a film, talked, made love...

 

What to do? What to do... I would do anything for a second chance. Anything.

[Becks84]

Talk to her! Spill your heart out to her like you are doing here!! What have you go to lose? You're just going to keep on wondering, and that will get you nowhere. You don't want to let her move away without her atleast knowing exactly how you feel. Seems to me you aren't even sure of how she feels, so stop assuming things and ASK HER! Best of luck!

-becks