i'm threatened by all women

[jen]

my bf says that i am threatened by all women cause i'm jealous of so many of them regardless of what they look like or how old.

 

i really do feel threatened by them, but i don't understand why. i don't sit and think that they'll take my bf away from me or that he may be interested, it all happens so fast that i don't know what i'm thinking when i do get that way.

 

i only know that i want the feeling and pain to go away and i can't get rid of it until i have control of the situation. i know this is sick, but i don't know why i'm like this, i'm in my 40's and have never had anyone point this out to me, but now that "he" has i'm starting to see it but yet i don't see why i'm like this.

 

what can i do? this is really causing problems between this guy and me. here is an example: this female co-worker has offered at one time to pick up some papers from him at his brothers shop, i wasn't told cause they knew how jealous i'd become.

 

well i've never met this person, have no clue even what she looks like, yet i made my bf promise me not to have her do his running for him that i would rather do it myself. we got in a big ole fight about it all day long.

 

i know this is probably not right, but it is the way i feel about it, it don't matter what she even looks like, i just feel threatened by her and all women. what is wrong with me and better yet what the heck can i do about this? i've never seen any thing wrong with the way i am until he started pointing out all my flaws.

 

of course he is totally blind to his faults and thinks he is perfect, so maybe i am over reacting about myself, i think his ego needs to be knocked down a peg or two.

 

sorry this is so long, i'm flustered still about fighting all day. any advice would be appreciated! thank you!

[Taressa]

Hi Jen,

 

Boy... been there, done that...really hurt someone I loved by assuming the worst of him...

 

I believe it boils down largely to a lack of self-esteem. If we are secure in our attractiveness both mentally and physically, we feel secure in our relationships as well.

 

It could also be that in the past you've acted in an untrustworthy way perhaps? It's very easy to accuse others of having our faults because they are so easy to see. And please forgive me if I'm way off base, here.

 

Resolution depends on you. First you will need to make a conscious choice to trust your boyfriend and keep your mouth shut. If he's trustworthy, trust him. If he isn't, leave him.

 

It's also to start rebuilding some good friendships in your life. Love from friends can be one of the best esteem-builders in the world. They'll also be valuable for the truthful insight you will receive as the relationship progresses.

 

I believe you're on the right track by admitting to the problem... that showed a lot of maturity.

[jen]

thank you very much for your input, i really needed some advice and i will take your advice to heart. i think i do have low self-esteem but i do trust my bf in some ways but not always. he hasn't given me reason really not to trust him, that's just the way that i am.

 

i hate being and feeling this way, it not only hurts me and him but our whole relationship as well. we have been together for almost threee years and this has been an on going problem. just recently i think he has gotten pretty tired of it all as i have too.

 

always wondering who is he with, does he think she is attractive, pretty, does he want to be with her, etc. he always tells me how much he loves me and wants me and says such sweet things to me all the time. he hardly ever looks at other women, so i know it's me with the problem and i hate this problem, i'd rather have a bad case of herpes or acne.

 

at least i can treat those things but i don't seem able to treat myself. i'll look up some self-esteems stuff tho, it's a place to start, right? thank you very much!

Hi Jen, Boy... been there, done that...really hurt someone I loved by assuming the worst of him...

 

I believe it boils down largely to a lack of self-esteem. If we are secure in our attractiveness both mentally and physically, we feel secure in our relationships as well. It could also be that in the past you've acted in an untrustworthy way perhaps? It's very easy to accuse others of having our faults because they are so easy to see. And please forgive me if I'm way off base, here. Resolution depends on you. First you will need to make a conscious choice to trust your boyfriend and keep your mouth shut. If he's trustworthy, trust him. If he isn't, leave him. It's also to start rebuilding some good friendships in your life. Love from friends can be one of the best esteem-builders in the world. They'll also be valuable for the truthful insight you will receive as the relationship progresses. I believe you're on the right track by admitting to the problem... that showed a lot of maturity.

 

[sparkle]

hello,

 

1 important word for you: TRUST

 

Taressa gave some good advice.

 

You have to feel confident about yourself. If you're in a relationship with this guy, it's because the two of you want EACH OTHER, not someone else. You should realize that, yes there are lots of other beautiful attractive girls out there, but your boyfriend likes YOU and YOU ONLY.

 

I'm not sure how much trust there is in your relationship, has he done anything to make you not trust him? Has he cheated on you? any tell-tale signs? Is he a big flirt? etc etc

 

Think of it as the other way around. What if your boyfriend was threatened by every guy you know? Think of all the males you've spoken to in the recent past. You don't think twice about most of them. You need to understand that your boyfriend doesn't either.

 

What bothers you exactly? How do you feel threatened? Do you think your boyfriend might mess around with the other female? It helps to think about and get to the core of the problem. What goes through your head?

 

Write back

[jen]

i guess what goes through is my head is picturing him with some small petite beautiful woman. ya see, i'm 5'2 he's 5'1 and i'm kind of big boned, broad shouldered too and i feel sorta big next to him but not really that much cause he is kind of broad too.

 

yet when i see a petite woman i think how good they would look together. he has never really given me a reason not to trust him except in the beginnins of our relationship which is another story but long past and i think he has proven him self since then.

 

so......................what's my problem

hello, 1 important word for you: TRUST Taressa gave some good advice. You have to feel confident about yourself. If you're in a relationship with this guy, it's because the two of you want EACH OTHER, not someone else. You should realize that, yes there are lots of other beautiful attractive girls out there, but your boyfriend likes YOU and YOU ONLY. I'm not sure how much trust there is in your relationship, has he done anything to make you not trust him? Has he cheated on you? any tell-tale signs? Is he a big flirt? etc etc Think of it as the other way around. What if your boyfriend was threatened by every guy you know? Think of all the males you've spoken to in the recent past. You don't think twice about most of them. You need to understand that your boyfriend doesn't either. What bothers you exactly? How do you feel threatened? Do you think your boyfriend might mess around with the other female? It helps to think about and get to the core of the problem. What goes through your head? Write back

[Tony T]

I have a pretty good idea that you are deeply scarred by events of the past. Most people who are as chronically paranoid as you are about other women had a father who cheated on their mother or in some cases the other way around. Perhaps your parents were divorced because of cheating. The events that unfolded traumatized you.

 

As a child you may have witnessed others or you may have seen a television program or movie which depicted cheating and took an early stand on the subject that affects you to this day.

 

There is simply no way that you could be so critically threatened by other women from any experience you had as an adult. Most adults are capable of properly processing these kinds of events and dealing with them. I'd stake my life that it was some event from your childhood.

 

Sit back, shut your eyes, and go back in time to see just what event shaped your current insecurities. Then you will need to get expert help to overcome this. Clinical hypnotherapy can assist you if you have shoved things into your subconscious mind. Ethical medical hypnosis can also help you handle the problem.

 

A mature person without deep hurt and pain from the past is able to deal with the possiblities that someone may cheat. It is a reality that exists everywhere, from the White House to the out house. It just happens. It is reality. As an adult, you should be able to deal with reality and the possiblity...but the wounded little girl inside of you can't handle it.

 

I promise you though, if you don't do the work that is necessary to get over this, you will destroy every relationship you ever enter into. The time to heal from this is NOW. We aren't getting any younger.