Not Doing Well - Need Assistance

[StartingOver4]

Hello everyone. It's been one month since my separation. I'm not doing well. I've had good days and bad days, but today was awful. I feel so hopeless. I'm lashing out at my children, I'm sad all the time, I have no job, no one who understands, my husband will barely speak to me. I've felt depressed due to this, but this is the first time I've felt hopeless. I'm afraid I'll never feel consistently good again. I'm on anti-depressants and I have an intake appointment next week. I don't know what else to do. Please help.

[Balzac]

Sorry you're in misery. How long have you been on Rx?

Is this your first drug?

 

It's always rough going in the transition. At first shock is present, then the rest of it cycles through. While it is not what you want to hear, life does improve. If you're in crisis you need immediate respite and therapy.

 

Vent here! Lots of experienced, wise survivors.

[Dreamless Sleep]

Hang in there. From my experience and reading these boards it's common. That doesn't lessen the hurt. But it let's you know that you're normal.

While I've been officially out of the house 4 months, my separation was functionally longer. Yet I have awful days. I feel often like I have lost my sense of purpose.

I don't have the drive to pursue another relationship, yet I want to be loved. Tough to see light at the end of the tunnel. 'They' say there is hope. Persist. Don't let this break up define you. Know that you are a good person. Be the best you can at the moment. You don't have to be perfect. Maybe you'll get connected to the support you need at the intake appt next week

 

Good luck

[sad puppy]

Life ebbs and flows. Change is always occurring. Breathe. Go for a walk. You're in a difficult spot but it is temporary, only temporary. Your pain and confusion will subside. Don't be afraid. Keep breathing deeply. I find the idea of surrendering to be helpful, surrendering and just letting it all go.

 

You will be fine. You are traveling a path that many have traveled before. Hard to see the light ahead of you but it's there.

 

You will be fine. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to be weak. Part of the way life flows.

 

Hold on and get a good night's sleep. The light is ahead of you.

[todreaminblue]

Hello everyone. It's been one month since my separation. I'm not doing well. I've had good days and bad days, but today was awful. I feel so hopeless. I'm lashing out at my children, I'm sad all the time, I have no job, no one who understands, my husband will barely speak to me. I've felt depressed due to this, but this is the first time I've felt hopeless. I'm afraid I'll never feel consistently good again. I'm on anti-depressants and I have an intake appointment next week. I don't know what else to do. Please help.

 

 

I know how you feel.......you do realise that you have good and bad days.....that's a good thing.....that points to the fact you aren't down so low you cant get back up.......if you have had good days those good days come back around I promise you........don't give up remembering good days.don't feel hopeless because you need hope and you can always have it...it is yours to keep you going........have hope....i have been through a few intakes.....been on many medications.....i have taken my anger out on my kids by being snappy i am blessed with the fact they love me..... as yours would love you.....they do understand.....get the help you need to be there for you and your kids.....tell your husband to try and go through counseling with you...if he is willing then you can work on this ignorance thing he has going on ...it could be the case though, that you are hypersensitive to the situation and he may just not know what to say and isnt ignoring you at all, take that into consideration......depression and anxiety distorts your perspective....when you snap at anyone you know what you are doing you sound self aware.... apologise when you are up to it....calm down first and explain that you are down and that you dont mean to snap but you are on edge.....

 

 

 

that way the kids dont get hurt as badly they are aware then you dont blame them or are not mad at them.......there are groups for kids with parents with mental illness that might help your kids to interact with other kids who go through the same issues and in an environment they will benefit from input on how to deal and de stress themselves......my kids have done this in groups......i wish you luck and hope dont give up and pray for strength to cope....gives you the fuzzy warm heart feeling...or it does me.....take what you need from my advice that will help you..i hope that i have helped a little....hugs to ya.....debxo .....

Edited October 11, 2012 by todreaminblue

[StartingOver4]

Thank you all, for your responses. Some of them brought me to tears. I feel like no one talks about the horrible feelings that can come along with a separation. Perhaps it seems like common sense, but when you do the initiating, it feels like everything should be better. I am working on ways to cope with the darkest times. I sure hope things improve soon.

[Steen719]

StartingOver,

It was hard, gut-wrenching pain sometimes for me. I mean, every single day was hard. I worked, but at the time of leaving and the divorce, I was only working from home. Now I have 2 jobs and getting out has helped. Some days, I just sat and cried and I mean I sobbed. It felt like I was never going to feel better. I do. I do feel better. I promised myself that if I ever felt even just a little better that I would be grateful and I kept that promise. I also promised myself that I would accept any invitation that I got. I even went to Dr. appointments with a friend.

 

I don't feel wonderful and this month is one year post-divorce, but I did not move out until the end of January 2012. However, I do feel better and when I compare how I feel to last year at this time, I am so much better. I do not sit and cry anymore. I am sad at times, but it doesn't last forever. It is sort of like quitting smoking. You think about it after you quit, but not as much as time goes by and if you just accept the feeling that you want one and can't have one, it goes away for that time. It gets easier.

 

You will feel better; really you will. I cried as much as I needed to. Some will tell you to pick yourself up and get over it, but I needed to cry. I was married for 22 years and, as an experienced poster here said, I should feel sad. It helped. I knew that I had to go through it to get to the other side and if I didn't recognize and accept my feelings, I would never get over it. I was right. I walked straight through the pain and I survived. You will too. Keep your chin up. Be grateful you have kids. They can be a source of strength for you. Get a job, even part time to get out and with people. Keep posting here and get words of kindness.

 

Good luck, feel better and here are BIG CYBER ***HUGS***

[intenshnal]

I am about one month in too. So I completely identify with your feelings...going through it all myself, and not having a job makes it harder not to focus on the bad things. I am diligently looking for a job just to give me back my feelings of self worth and of course, and easy distraction and way to make new friends and pass the time.

 

Are you hoping for reconciliation, or are you sure it's over?

[StartingOver4]

Steen719 - it really does sound like you understand. Yesterday was the worst day yet. I guess it's that whole 2 steps forward, 1 step (okay, 12) back. I'm sorry you had to feel that way, and I'm glad you're feeling better. Hugs back.

 

Intenshnal - part of me feels like we could reconcile, if only he'd be open to talking about things. It's weird-I chose to leave, and he was against it. But now that I have, he's completely shut down. But part of me thinks our issues are not fixable. Time will tell, I guess.

[Steadfast]

It's difficult to give advice when the background details are unknown. I went back and looked at your older posts and found much of the same. You were unhappy, husband is unwilling to work on issues. You left, and now more unhappy than ever because husband has withdrawn even more.

 

Please tell me; what did you expect him to do? Wake up? Come running after you? Did you think leaving was going to force him into change? Is part of your unhappiness due to the fact that your plan didn't work? Power struggles are a common marriage killer. Don't feed stubbornness.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you say you loved him and hoped to reunite? If so, you've played a dangerous game because very generally (and most specifically) women do not leave men that they love. They leave because they do not want to be near them so often, and more often than not, they leave for the freedom of being with other men. Or a specific man.

 

I do understand if you felt leaving was the only option left, but you must understand that leaving is...leaving. Once a couple separates the odds of them ever getting back together are very, very poor. This mostly reflects the rate of infidelity in broken marriages. Once that aspect is introduced, either one partner or both has little interest in saving it. Either way it's never a good idea to force someone's hand. Again, I don't know, but adding pressure to tension or depression isn't the formula for success.

 

What happened startingover? The advice will better with more info.

Edited October 12, 2012 by Steadfast

[2.50 a gallon]

For what it is worth, when the Ex and I separated, and I fell into a black hole of despair, I actually wondered whether someday in the future that I might be able to laugh again.

 

While it took some time, the answer was a big yes,

 

Their is a life on the other side of the dark cloud, and not only do I laugh but am deeply in love again, this time for the past 17 years.

[StartingOver4]

Steadfast - I wasn't 'expecting' anything. That doesn't mean that I can't be confused and hurt by the fact that he doesn't seem to care anymore. I don't remember exactly what my prior posts contained, but I do remember discussing how life was too short to spend more of mine with someone who crushes my spirit and shames me about my body. I will always love him as someone with whom I spent many years, and have 2 children. I'd possibly be open to working towards reconciliation, but if he's unwilling to discuss what went wrong, and accept his part in it, how can that happen?

 

Right now I'm in crisis and am trying to get to a better place for me and my children. Posting here is one of the many things I'm doing to make that happen.

 

2.50 - thank you. May I ask, what did you do to get through it? Was is just time, or did you use some particular coping strategies? I'm open to suggestions.

 

Coopster - I know there is a lot of work to be done, and am willing to do the work to get there. As for what would help right now, that's hard to say. More money would lessen stress...perhaps some career changes...but ultimately, I think I just need to work on the way I handle my feelings and thoughts. That's the tricky part.

 

Sapientia - that makes sense. I just wish he'd talk to me. Maybe I just want closure. I dunno.

[StartingOver4]

It's interesting you should say that. Last night, we had our first real talk since the separation. When I told him that it hurt that not only had he refused to work on things when we were together, but now had shut down even more, he said, "Well, you left me." I told him I hadn't given up on our future 100%, and he was very surprised. I thought I had made it clear that I was leaving partly to figure things out, but he didn't see it that way.

 

Anyway, we had what was probably the most helpful discussion since our problems began. However, he is completely against counseling, and I don't see this working without it. So I'm not sure what will happen.

[2.50 a gallon]

SO4

 

My story was totally different. Caught wife of 6 months cheating, no kids, and even though after a month she wanted to reconcile and I loved her immensely, I had to force myself to walk away

 

Amongst the things that I did, was to work on myself. I took the attitude that today was the first day and the next step of my new and better life. In short I gave myself hope.

 

But like you are going thru, it was a roller coaster ride

 

For me personally one of the best things I did was to turn to cooking. No fast food or TV dinners for me. Every night I made myself a good meal, that took time to prepare, time that I was not thinking about her.

 

I was already a good cook, and began to teach myself how to be a better cook by teaching myself how to cook some gourmet meals. That was a triple win for me, as they took more time to cook, less time to think, also was rewarded with a delicious meal, and something I could add to my dating arsenal

 

Where I in your shoes, I would try to concentrate on the kids, for example getting them ready for the best halloween ever, decorations, cookies, etc. Every second that you don't think about your situation is a victory, find ways to turn the seconds into minutes and the minutes into hours.

 

But understand it takes time for the roller coaster ride to flatten out.

[Steadfast]

Last night, we had our first real talk since the separation. When I told him that it hurt that not only had he refused to work on things when we were together, but now had shut down even more, he said, "Well, you left me." I told him I hadn't given up on our future 100%, and he was very surprised. I thought I had made it clear that I was leaving partly to figure things out, but he didn't see it that way.

 

Anyway, we had what was probably the most helpful discussion since our problems began. However, he is completely against counseling, and I don't see this working without it. So I'm not sure what will happen.

 

He's afraid of something, but given the rate of failed marriages after counseling, it's hard to blame him. Sadly (and I mean this, for it truly is a shame) the majority of counselors only end up making things worse.

 

Step 1: Find out why he's reluctant.

 

Step 2: If/when you discover that, pick the person together.

 

Ask around. Explain what your fears are. More than anything, a good counselor will remain impartial...they should be pulling for you as a couple. I'd also suggest looking into a man/wife counseling team. The rate of success is much higher and that arrangement seems to lesson the 'ganged up on' feeling. But again, check them out first and don't be afraid to express it isn't working and move on. A good counselor will understand.

 

It is possible to reconcile without a third party. It is not impossible. Couples can solve their own problems, but there must rules and a concrete level of respect for the other person. No fear of reaction. You can do it.

 

Not knowing you and more about your background, it's hard to give much more advice. I can say for certain that you will not work out your problems being apart from each other. I do not believe in 'healing separation'. I do believe however, that it's healthy for happy, loving couples to occasionally spend time apart pursuing passions, hobbies, etc. There is a difference.

 

You and your husband are far from finished, IMO. I get the impression that there's some deeper issues, deep hurt, and plenty of good old fashioned stubbornness thrown in the mix. Honestly? I'd shut off the computer, call him and tell you love and miss him. It's a start. Wanting to be together is the base to living happily together. If love is there, hope is alive.

[StartingOver4]

2.50 - that is excellent advice. I love to cook, but have thought it might be depressing to make "dinner for one" (my kids are extremely picking and eat very early), and have been eating a lot of frozen/convenience foods. Maybe I could try that. But I'm staying away from the wine I'd usually drink while doing so. I figure I don't need any chemical depressants right now. The Halloween thing is good, too. I make cookies for every holiday. We could decorate the house, etc.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you went through. It's hard to wrap my head around the time factor, as I'm very goal-oriented and like to take action. One day at a time, I suppose. Thank you.

[StartingOver4]

Steadfast - I think we cross-posted, and I just saw your post. Thank you for responding so thoroughly. The thing is, we talked about it last night and we don't miss each other - we had such a crappy way of relating for the past couple of years, there's really nothing to miss. But we both acknowledge that we miss the heck out of what we used to have. Thank you for the advice on finding a counselor - I really think that's our best bet.

 

Coopster - thank you. I'm doing just that, tonight.

[2.50 a gallon]

SO4

 

At first it all seems so helpless, the thing about working on your self, is that as you begin to improve yourself, you start to see a little hope. And a little bit of hope, is that light at the end of the tunnel

 

At present you are without a job, which would mean that money is in short supply and you need to find away to make the little you have last a lot longer.

 

Have you ever shopped at Goodwill? If not try it. They have lots of good buys.

 

As an example they no longer make VCR's. Me with a large selection of tapes, and needing to replace my old one, found that can purchase a used replacement for a dollar.

 

You never know what you are going to find. Thanksgiving and Christmas, my lady and I dine on gold plated eating utensils. We have a 5 piece setting for eight, that came in its own velvet lined box, along with large utensils such as a large fork, spoon, pie thingy, we paid a whopping $7 for and it had never been used.

 

And as for your kids being picky eaters, there aren't many kids who turn down crock potted beany weanies. Just the aroma of them cooking seems to fire up their appetities. The samething with with cheap ribs and a dollar bottle of BBQ sauce.

[RainyDaze]

Thank you all, for your responses. Some of them brought me to tears. I feel like no one talks about the horrible feelings that can come along with a separation. Perhaps it seems like common sense, but when you do the initiating, it feels like everything should be better. I am working on ways to cope with the darkest times. I sure hope things improve soon.

 

Today was one of the hardest days during my separation. My not so DH told me that he wanted to see other people and that he would "let me know when he's found someone." Just last week he said he was in love with me and wanted to see a counselor. I started taking Zoloft but it gave me insomnia, which made things worse. I totally understand when you said, "when you do the initiating, it feels like everything should be better." I think that by doing the initiating you are left with more regret or second thoughts and doubt. It is easier to make you the bad guy since you were the one that got the ball rolling. In my case, I left, and now he uses that against me. I miss him so much and I don't know how he can be so cavalier and unfeeling. Please share how you are getting through this...maybe it will help me too.

 

Thanks

[StartingOver4]

Honestly, RainyDaze? I'm hanging on by a thread. I'm doing all sorts of things (medication, getting set up with a new therapist, coming here, reading books, talking to my loved ones, even exercise), and still feel pretty bad a lot of the time. BUT, I've had a few short moments when I felt almost like myself and am clinging to those for hope. I guess the only factor left is time. I'm sorry you've had a rough day. I have, too. Hang in there.

[RainyDaze]

Have you ever heard of "Too Many Fish in the Sea" by the Marvalettes? It is a classic 60's pop song, and it will definitely get your foot tapping. You may love it or you may hate it because it is so cheesy. Either way, you might crack a smile;)

[StartingOver4]

No, I haven't - but thanks. Let me ask you, what has it been like for you? What's most frustrating for me is that I never know how I'm going to feel when I wake up. So it's hard to plan for things, and when I do I have trouble following through. I took the suggestion of cooking so I went to the store and got the ingredients. By the time evening came, I didn't feel like doing anything. The cookbook sat on my counter for two days, until I finally put it away and froze the ingredients. I want myself back.

[RainyDaze]

Hm,

 

Well, it's been awful. Absolutely awful. See, my H has been asking me out on dates one day, then the next day he says he can't "do this anymore." Also, there have been rumors of him and his friends getting into a lot of stuff with women and nonsense, and of course he denies it. So my head has been in a tailspin.

 

Today when he said he wanted to see other people, it snuffed out any hope I had of reconciliation. I've suspected there was someone else for awhile, but I feel like he's ready to be more public with it. I was off FB for awhile, and when I came back on, I saw he was no longer listed as married. He didn't have any status up there. When I asked about it, he put it back. Then a few days later, he took his page down. It made me wonder if someone was forcing him to take it down or what. Sometimes he talks to me and sounds like a different person. Today, when he said he wanted to see other people, he said, "I'll let you know when that happens." I asked him if he cared if I saw other people (even though I just want my H back) and he said, "It's your business." I said to him, "We are married...it's not just my business." He responded "That's a matter of opinion." He was, at one point, very strong in his religious convictions. Now, marriage is a matter of opinion? He refused to help me with the divorce fees when I asked him today. I already filed and paid for it myself, but I messed everything up and need an attorney's help. He refuses to help pay at this point, but I am terrified of getting that call when he says, "I finally want to divorce, I've met someone else." I have never broken down at work, but I did today after that phone call. I had to leave early...I was a sniveling snotty mess with swollen, red eyes. Then I went to Sprint and was very rude to the customer service people. I'm spazzing out, not sleeping, going through random mood swings...I wish this was a bad dream that I would wake up from. Sometimes, I wish I wouldn't wake up. Honestly. I am scared of seeing him on the street moving on, while I am still at my mother's trying to make sense of it all. That's why I joined this forum. I needed empathy and encouragement, and I hoped to give the same to someone else. I do know that we will get through this. I don't know how, but one day, we will look back at this point and be amazed that we got through this time. We have to hold on to that. As India Arie says, "Even the day after tomorrow will one day be 'yesterday."

[RainyDaze]

Also,

 

I've been in a few weddings this year and I have had to smile and act like I am fine. I am also graduating shortly with my Grad degree, and I don't want him there, but I will be thinking of him as well. I am known to be a strong woman, but this seems like something I can't get past. I keep saying, "What happened? How could this happen? What didn't I do?" he says he loves me but then he says he wants to see other people. It's like he uses these empty words then treats me like crap. Today really, really hit me very hard though. I think when a husband says he wants to see other people, he's already been seeing them. It's just a matter of time before it comes out. My friend says that it will make him look bad, not me, but it is humilating. Especially if he is soo happy with this new person. It will be very humiliating and very real. I thought we were happy together. He told me "You're the one for me." But apparently I wasn't enough. It hurts. But I'm trying to get through it.

[StartingOver4]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. The fb thing is just nuts. For me, I guess I'm torn between taking the initiative and feeling like he should. I asked him to do certain things, including counseling, for a long time. I don't know. I just want these bad feelings to go away. Sadness, I can deal with. But this depression is torture. It's robbing me of joy and breaking my heart. Mornings are the worst for me. I hope yours is looking brighter.