Not Doing Well - Need Assistance

[ClimbingTrees]

Very good advice from everyone for this person and I can only reiterate it. A divorce is like being on a small boat with huge swells coming which you have often have no control over, its up and down and they can feel quite frightening. I am going through a divorce at the moment it is a vicious and nasty as any I have read about. It has been a two year battle and the most difficult aspect is simply dealing with the hatred and anger from the person I slept in the same bed with for 17 years. We had a reasonably good marraige, a beautiful child, nice house, lots of friends etc. We loved each other, laughed and were the best of friends, would lie awake at night so close and comfortable, we even dealt with cancer together and now it is total hatred towards me. Every accusation and allegation hurled, police, social services the works. Yet I have great friends who have been a bedrock for me.

[StartingOver4]

I'm sorry for your pain. It's just really hard to figure out what's "normal", because most people have never been through this before when it happens to them. And besides places like this, it seems that it's not really discussed. All I know is, I've felt deep sadness. But this near-constant, underlying depressive state is sucking the life out of me. I get up in the morning, and as soon as I open my eyes this gloom starts to descend on me. I spend most of the day in my head, trying to just make it through. Every now and then I'll have a minute or two of measured relief, but then it's back to feeling bad. Anyone who's reading this, does this sound normal? I'm getting professional help and taking self-care measures, but it hasn't really helped in any way I can see. I'm terrified that this won't go away. I'm not looking to feel happy right now - just not depressed.

[RainyDaze]

I think "normal" is subjective. I do know that when I feel a low mood coming on, I try to identify it for what it is. In other words, I try not to let it control me. Kind of like the dog wagging the tail, not the tail wagging the dog.

 

I am also trying not to let the H's moods or actions dictate my happiness. This is very difficult but I am still trying. I worry that I will hear that he's been out on a date or that he will call me and say he has met someone. Still, I try to keep moving forward. I even do my best Scarlett O'Hara impression "I won't think about it today. I will think about it tomorrow." And it helps. Sometimes.

[2.50 a gallon]

SO4

 

Yes, at first every time we wake up we get the morning glooms and we are reminded of what we have lost, it is like the world is a sh*t sandwich and everyday I have to take a bite.

 

The way to get around and move on is to force yourself to get active and do things, hobbies, housecleaning, anything to get your mind off of what you are missing.

 

When I was in you shoes, mornings could be some of the hardest parts of the day, all I had to do would be yes let's give us another chance, and she would have been right back with me. But the problem was she had already cheated on me once, and would therefore most likely do it again, so someday down the road I would be right back where I was. And maybe this time with kids

 

Sometimes the hardest part of the journey, is the first step, think about it when they shoot off a rocket to the planets, the most difficult part of the trip is the first inch off the ground.

 

With that in mind, force yourself to take that first step, take the ingrediants out of the freezer and cook something great tonight. If nothing else you get a great meal, probably better for you body, and you emotions, and it takes away from the time you think about your problems

[StartingOver4]

Thank you, RainyDaze and 2.50. I hope soon I'll be posting that I'm doing better...

[Steen719]

I'm sorry for your pain. It's just really hard to figure out what's "normal", because most people have never been through this before when it happens to them. And besides places like this, it seems that it's not really discussed. All I know is, I've felt deep sadness. But this near-constant, underlying depressive state is sucking the life out of me. I get up in the morning, and as soon as I open my eyes this gloom starts to descend on me. I spend most of the day in my head, trying to just make it through. Every now and then I'll have a minute or two of measured relief, but then it's back to feeling bad. Anyone who's reading this, does this sound normal? I'm getting professional help and taking self-care measures, but it hasn't really helped in any way I can see. I'm terrified that this won't go away. I'm not looking to feel happy right now - just not depressed.

 

It is normal. Mornings are hard, hard, hard. I would wake up and the second my eyes popped open, I thought about "it". It takes a while. You will have those moments of relief and they will get longer and longer. Go out with friends and have some fun (even if it doesn't feel like fun at the time). It gets better. Keep hanging in...you will see.

[StartingOver4]

Thank you, Steen719. When you say "it"...do you mean the divorce/separation or the depression? Because the separation doesn't bother me on a conscious level for the most part. I think it's doing a number on me psychologically, and I plan to delve into that when I start working with my new therapist. But it's the depression that rears its ugly head each morning. It's almost like I wake up fine, then "remember" I'm depressed. It's a bizarre feeling. I keep hoping one of these mornings I'll wake up and just keep feeling fine. Hasn't happened.

[RainyDaze]

I know that feeling, StartingOver. Like you wake up fine, then your "situation" smacks you in the face. Since my post from two days ago where I was breaking down at work, things have been okay. I woke up yesterday and gave myself a new hairdo. I also started working on another project (I love genealogy) and have decided to focus on that. Also, I read a lot of sayings by Osho...they are pretty inspirational. I literally sometimes to into the bathroom at wk and say to myself, "You will make it." I speak victory ovrr my situation. You will have victory over this, SO4. Going through it is very tough, I know. I just cut ties with ny therapist because I felt he was inappropriate and made rude remarks about my marriage and husband. But I talk to two gf's who are great listeners and non judgmental. I also decided to join thie forum so that I can learn from others.

 

If you could hsve whatever you wanted, what would it be? Your marriage? Your H without marriage? Peace? Is your H being horrible during this time?

[worldgonewrong]

I literally sometimes to into the bathroom at work and say to myself, "You will make it."

 

I used to do this exact same thing when I was in the first throes of separation!

[StartingOver4]

RainyDaze - hmm, that's an interesting question, and tough to answer. Definitely a career where I feel engaged and make a decent living. As for my husband, I was happy with him years ago, so that feeling would be nice. But I think I was in denial about some things then, and what I find important has changed over the years. So I don't wish to go back. It would be nice if he took it upon himself to show me he wants to change - but he doesn't see that he played any part.

 

Other than that, I just want this dark mood gone. I have two happy, healthy children, a nice home, my (relative) youth, my health...I have some wonderful things. But I'm still struggling mightily. It's baffling.

[MsOptimist]

I give myself pep talks too, sometimes looking in the mirror, and sometimes I simply hug my cat and tell her that we're going to make it and get through this.

[Steen719]

Thank you, Steen719. When you say "it"...do you mean the divorce/separation or the depression? Because the separation doesn't bother me on a conscious level for the most part. I think it's doing a number on me psychologically, and I plan to delve into that when I start working with my new therapist. But it's the depression that rears its ugly head each morning. It's almost like I wake up fine, then "remember" I'm depressed. It's a bizarre feeling. I keep hoping one of these mornings I'll wake up and just keep feeling fine. Hasn't happened.

 

"It" was just the entire situation. I would wake up very early 4 or 5 and the minute my eyes popped open, I would think about my situation and my stomach would hurt. Honestly, this went on for quite a while. I finally read in the book I got at the divorce recovery group that this waking early thing was normal for my situation. It took a while, but finally, I started sleeping better and then I began thinking of other things first thing in the morning. There is no miracle cure for this type of situational depression.

 

If you are hurting over the loss of your marriage and you have had deep feelings for your H, it won't just go away. You will be a work in progress, just like I am. I made myself a promise that I would feel what I had to feel to heal. I didn't push it away, but instead cried a river. It helped. I can't tell you what will work best for you, but as a general rule, I think dealing with your feelings (about anything) is preferable to ignoring them or anesthetizing yourself or feeling better by immediately finding someone else, but that is my opinion and as you know, WE ALL HAVE THEM!!!

 

Good luck.

[2.50 a gallon]

SO4

 

You've seen the posts, we have all been thru this period and all agree you have to start moving on with that first step

 

To quote long time poster Gunny

 

Get busy living or get busy dieing

[StartingOver4]

I've done so much to help myself, but nothing seems to make me feel better for any length of time. I feel alright when I exercise, but soon after the good feeling fades. I'm doing the work, I just need the sun to break through for a moment so I don't lose hope. I feel like I'm climbing a mountain, but how do you keep climbing when you can't see the top?

[MsOptimist]

I've done so much to help myself, but nothing seems to make me feel better for any length of time. I feel alright when I exercise, but soon after the good feeling fades. I'm doing the work, I just need the sun to break through for a moment so I don't lose hope. I feel like I'm climbing a mountain, but how do you keep climbing when you can't see the top?

 

I've climbed 2 mountains so far, the last one being a 14,000 footer. When you're climbing you can't see the top, and when you get close, there are often false summits. Your heart is pounding in your chest, exhausted. Too exhausted to even look down. But you keep going, step by step, just knowing that you're making progress even though you can't see the summit.

 

Right now, you keep going, day by day, knowing that the summit is there eventually. And usually there's a breathtaking view at the top, better than you expected

[2.50 a gallon]

SO4

 

This is not a climb that can be done in in days or weeks, it might be months and a year or more before you reach the top.

 

As I posted earlier, right now you will be working on putting the seconds into minutes

 

If falling out of love would be as easy, as falling in love, it would not be worth it.

 

It is worse than the passing of a spouse, as you are left with the "If I onlys" and many shouldas and could ofs that in some ways can never be resolved to work through

[StartingOver4]

Thank you, MsOptimist and 2.50. I don't know why normality is so important an issue for me. It really shouldn't matter, I guess - but I suppose if I can believe what I'm feeling is normal, that makes me more likely to be able to handle it. Or something like that. Anyway, thanks for your responses. I'm putting this out into the universe: Yesterday was not awful.

[RainyDaze]

SO4, how are you today?

[RainyDaze]

I'm putting this out into the universe: Yesterday was not awful.

 

And tomorrow will be WONDERFUL!! I put on my FB status that I love my life. Nothing could be farther from the truth at the moment! But I am speaking positivity into my life. And it usually comes to fruition.

[MsOptimist]

I'm putting this out into the universe: Yesterday was not awful.

 

So glad to read this! Have a not-awful day is a start. In the beginning I remember wondering how I'd ever be in a good mood again, or be able to do something as simple as listen to a happy song on the radio and sing along - and I can do those things now. I'm still muddling through this process for sure, but I can find the happiness in the little things these days. I hope you can too.