My Guide: how to get over them FAST

[NavyAirTraffic]

I'll keep this short but here is a little about my backstory. We dated for 3.5 months, at the time I thought she left out of the blue. She left my house, told me I was an amazing man and kissed me. I was at work 3 hours later and she texted me "I can't do this to you, I can't be with you anymore", she hasn't tried to come back since, nor have I asked for her to come back. This happened during the honeymoon stage for me. I dropped everything for her, and she became my world. I truly loved everything about her, you name it I wanted it forever. Looking back there were major warning signs that she wanted to leave that I CHOSE to ignore, blinded by love.

 

Ok that was the backstory, now how I am 90% better after 3 weeks since the breakup. This is not cookie cutter, it worked for me and most of the info I got from sources like LoveShack.

 

WARNING WARNING This is for the people that want to take control, people that refuse to have their ex's make their lives miserable. You MUST want to let go of them. You MUST be committed to moving on for this to work. I didn't want to think about this girl for weeks/months, I chose to let go and move on with my life. Without this type of commitment the following will have ZERO effect.

 

Grieve- This I picked up from Dan Dennick from GetOverHerNow.com where he has a wonderful book. I never realized this but every heartbreak had this moment. Usually down the road when I saw them with another guy, or saw them and they were cold. Sometimes 6 months down the road I would grieve. Dan preaches to get this out of the way first. Losing a love is somewhat like death, finality.

 

I would set aside times where I grieved, I would lock myself in my room and begin to think of all the good memories that were now bad. How she looked at me, holding her watching tv, her stopping by unannounced, having sex, her calling just to hear my voice. Really began to focus on the good times which hurt like he11, and didn't blame myself, just repeated to myself "it's over" "she's not coming back". Give yourself as much time as you need, I grieved for 4 days, nonstop somedays just sulking in my loss. You MUST really lean into the pain, really feel your loss.

 

When the 4th day arrived I found it harder to cry, almost like I was forcing myself to cry. I remember thinking while crying "this isn't hard enough". I haven't cried since.

 

They are going to sleep with someone else- The sooner you realize this the sooner the pain from the thought of it begins to go away. I attacked this during my grieving time. Although lumped in with grieving, this requires special attention. I thought about our amazing sex, and began to picture her with other guys doing the same thing to them. Holy he11 does this one hurt!!! No two ways around it. Same thing, by the 4th day it still made me a little queasy, but it didn't make me cry. Almost like I accepted it.

 

Change the chatter- Everyone does it, conversations with your ex in your head or out loud. What you would say if they came back, what you would say if you saw them. Almost a never ending conversation that is impossible to stop at times. You can't help this right now. Your thoughts will be consumed with them, thinking about something else or changing the subject is just out of the question!

 

The first thing is to consciously realize you are doing it. "I love you, I gave you everything, wait I'm doing it again". You are not going to be able to stop, the train is rolling. Change the chatter to why you won't take them back. This appeases 2 things 1.) you can't think about something else so it allows you to remain on subject 2.) you are constantly reminding yourself why this won't work, why you won't take them back. By the end of the conversation you won't be as defeated, you won't beat yourself down instead beat them down. You'll be almost energized talking about how you are better than them and won't take them back.

 

Date yourself- I got this from LS I think and this only worked for me when I began feeling a little better about myself. We all know that in the beginning it's hard to leave the house because of the crushing pain. It will take a little bit of time to start dating yourself, but don't wait forever, force it after a week or so.

 

I started to take myself out on dates, went to lunches by myself, took myself shopping, pampered myself getting ready, etc. Also DO NOT TOUCH ALCOHOL for a long time, YOU ARE JUST NOT READY. I drank yesterday night with a friend, when I got home I couldn't get my ex out of my head, I almost cried myself to sleep.

 

Dating yourself accomplishes 2 thing, or at least did for me. 1.) you begin to experience lunches, shopping, dinners, movies by yourself and it starts to accustom you to your new single life. 2.) I started enjoying pampering myself. I would go to a store and try 20 things on, it made me feel good to have a new wardrobe. You'll start feeling better as you give yourself more stuff, do more stuff for yourself. It sounds kinda stupid talking about it now but it really helped me. I went to the gym today and couldn't wait to take myself shopping.

 

Ok, that's all I'll write for now. There is more that I'm doing but I will hold off on that now until I see what kind of reaction I get from this thread. Oh I almost forgot-

 

NONE OF THIS WORKS WITHOUT NO CONTACT this is the secret ingredient. My ex texted me 5 days ago to give me some clothes back, I responded with "thanks but just toss them". I'd rather buy a new wardrobe than see her and revert all of my progress. Even that little contact gave me a bit of a jolt.

[dreamstate83]

Really good post! I especially love the part about dating yourself. I remember after the first month I went out and bought a top hat and walked around with it for awhile just to see people smile - it was crazy but felt good at the same time!

Edited October 11, 2012 by dreamstate83

[NoMoreJerks]

Good post -- I agree with all of what you said, especially the "dating yourself" bit. Been doing that lately, and I can't say it's not working. Went shopping today, and bought me a few nice pieces of clothing. I'm gradually updating my wardrobe, my looks, etc. But I'd be careful not to overdo it -- can easily spend so much money, trying to drown out your problems/pain. Been there, done that, too.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Firstly thanks guys, really appreciate it.

 

It's what I have done/been doing and today I really felt good and felt compelled to write this. I think the dating yourself part is where you begin the transition from the "couple you" to the "single you". The again what do I know?

 

Also I know that my relationship was only 3.5 months, people with years in are probably looking down at that. I must say that I was devastated, this one hurt more than any other breakup COMBINED. I thought I had met "the one", I thought I had met the mother of my children. It was bliss to me and it walked out the door, I decided to take a stand!

Edited October 11, 2012 by NavyAirTraffic

[dreamstate83]

Firstly thanks guys, really appreciate it.

 

It's what I have done/been doing and today I really felt good and felt compelled to write this. I think the dating yourself part is where you begin the transition from the "couple you" to the "single you". The again what do I know?

 

Also I know that my relationship was only 3.5 months, people with years in are probably looking down at that. I must say that I was devastated, this one hurt more than any other breakup COMBINED. I thought I had met "the one", I thought I had met the mother of my children. It was bliss to me and it walked out the door, I decided to take a stand!

 

I wouldn't look down on you for the length of your relationship. I've been in a 5 year relationship in my past that had less magic than an 8 month one. Time invested has nothing to do with emotion invested!

[NoMoreJerks]

I wouldn't look down on you for the length of your relationship. I've been in a 5 year relationship in my past that had less magic than an 8 month one. Time invested has nothing to do with emotion invested!

Well said -- my friend just got out of an 8-year relationship (she was dumped) and she didn't take it 1/10th as hard as I did when my 4 month old relationship broke down.

[NateC]

I do have to say "taking yourself out" is very helpful. Sometimes even just walking around a store for a while helps get your mind off things.

[LostOne1]

Love the idea of Dating yourself.. going out and treating your own self. I was always thinking of feeling sad doing things myself instead of with friends or with other potential girls. But time to myself.. hmmm seems like a good idea and one I need to try.

[NoMoreJerks]

Love the idea of Dating yourself.. going out and treating your own self. I was always thinking of feeling sad doing things myself instead of with friends or with other potential girls. But time to myself.. hmmm seems like a good idea and one I need to try.

Actually, the first week or so of my break-up, I felt like I couldn't do this, couldn't live on my own, couldn't survive being on my own and doing things on my own, even though this is what I did most of the time before I met him -- my friends are busy a lot of the time and so I often had to go out on my own for dinner, drinks, etc. I have gone back to doing this, and can say that I am LOVING it. I'm re-settling back into my old routine -- while not going back to being the shy, non-confident person that I used to be. I'm really loving it! Sometimes I find myself tempted to turn down friends' offers to go out together, because I prefer going out by myself! It gives me a much bigger boost in confidence -- knowing that I am independent and don't have to rely on anyone to make me feel good. It's good to have friends and socialize, but right now, this is what I need -- to know that I don't NEED anyone (be they friends or a lover0 to make me feel good about myself. That if I do find someone, it will be a plus, an addition to my life, but not something essential that I cannot live without.

[JustALittleBit]

Great post. A lot of what I have been thinking.

 

This one: They are going to sleep with someone else- The sooner you realize this the sooner the pain from the thought of it begins to go away. I attacked this during my grieving time. Although lumped in with grieving, this requires special attention. I thought about our amazing sex, and began to picture her with other guys doing the same thing to them. Holy he11 does this one hurt!!! No two ways around it. Same thing, by the 4th day it still made me a little queasy, but it didn't make me cry. Almost like I accepted it.

 

Yeah... that hurts. Sometimes it really hurts, sometimes I don't care. If I am in the mood where I want him back then it hurts, if I am feeling empowered then I don't care as much and think 'go live your life, I'll live mine.' I don't like the thought of him doing it with other people, but I don't think he did it that much for me anyway so it was hardly 'amazing.' For me it just hurts to think that I really value that and I let him go there... I wanted to go there with him, and now he is probably having casual sex with randoms so I feel devalued (while I wait until I meet someone new and am in a relationship). Kind of makes me feel cheap and dirty, and like I REALLY didn't mean anything to him because if I did he wouldn't do that... I know that last part is irrational, but that is just how I feel about it.

 

Anyway, sorry for venting. Yeah so I look forward to the day where I have genuinely moved on, but I also know I will never want to hear about what he's up to again and I couldn't be friends with him.

[NateC]

Great post. A lot of what I have been thinking.

 

This one: They are going to sleep with someone else- The sooner you realize this the sooner the pain from the thought of it begins to go away. I attacked this during my grieving time. Although lumped in with grieving, this requires special attention. I thought about our amazing sex, and began to picture her with other guys doing the same thing to them. Holy he11 does this one hurt!!! No two ways around it. Same thing, by the 4th day it still made me a little queasy, but it didn't make me cry. Almost like I accepted it.

 

Yeah... that hurts. Sometimes it really hurts, sometimes I don't care. If I am in the mood where I want him back then it hurts, if I am feeling empowered then I don't care as much and think 'go live your life, I'll live mine.' I don't like the thought of him doing it with other people, but I don't think he did it that much for me anyway so it was hardly 'amazing.' For me it just hurts to think that I really value that and I let him go there... I wanted to go there with him, and now he is probably having casual sex with randoms so I feel devalued (while I wait until I meet someone new and am in a relationship). Kind of makes me feel cheap and dirty, and like I REALLY didn't mean anything to him because if I did he wouldn't do that... I know that last part is irrational, but that is just how I feel about it.

 

Anyway, sorry for venting. Yeah so I look forward to the day where I have genuinely moved on, but I also know I will never want to hear about what he's up to again and I couldn't be friends with him.

 

Now that I think of it, for me this used to happen with a girl I had a huge crush on (and quite frankly I became too attached). The mind does very strange things sometimes...but I've accepted that the door is closed.

[NoMoreJerks]

Yeah... that hurts. Sometimes it really hurts, sometimes I don't care. If I am in the mood where I want him back then it hurts, if I am feeling empowered then I don't care as much and think 'go live your life, I'll live mine.' I don't like the thought of him doing it with other people, but I don't think he did it that much for me anyway so it was hardly 'amazing.' For me it just hurts to think that I really value that and I let him go there... I wanted to go there with him, and now he is probably having casual sex with randoms so I feel devalued (while I wait until I meet someone new and am in a relationship). Kind of makes me feel cheap and dirty, and like I REALLY didn't mean anything to him because if I did he wouldn't do that... I know that last part is irrational, but that is just how I feel about it.

 

Anyway, sorry for venting. Yeah so I look forward to the day where I have genuinely moved on, but I also know I will never want to hear about what he's up to again and I couldn't be friends with him.

Yeah -- for me, this feeling of disgust and sadness that he's going to be sleeping around with other women, was particularly strong the first week of our break-up. But I'm accepting it, slowly but surely. It helps that he was a player and I realized he was just playing games with me and using me for sex, and that he asked for a FWB arrangement in the end (and implied that this is what he thought of our 'relationship' from the very start). So it seems unsurprising and "normal" that he would sleep around. I mean, hell, he even hung out and had drinks with prostitutes in bars in Thailand while we were in a relationship, so it's not like sleeping with them, or with other women, is much worse than that.. I can live with it. One thing that helps me is to think of all the nasty **** he's going to be picking up along the way (STDs), and that makes me glad I'm no longer with him - because he would've done that **** behind my back, and possibly infected me with that stuff because he doesn't wear a condom. For Christ's sake, he even told me that oral sex doesn't transmit STDs, and that, if he were to do a threesome in Pattaya, Thailand (which he wanted to do), he would be "careful" -- by not wearing a condom and asking prostitutes who have slept with a dozen men in 1 day, to give him bj.. yeah... It really doesn't hurt anymore, really . The more I think about it, the less it bothers me. I don't even feel hurt that he used me. I put a more positive spin on it: what if I say that I used him? He helped me lose my virginity (which was something I was worried would never happen, being 29 and worrying that no man would want to sleep with a girl who's that old and who is still a virgin). I feel more confident now, and I guess I benefited from this experience, by learning a lot and being freed of some heavy chains. Also, apparently I give the best blowjobs, so I keep telling myself, HIS LOSS.

Edited October 11, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[JustALittleBit]

Thanks I think it really does come back to focusing on yourself because your post made me feel better! Mine was also my first which I think is why it stings a bit more, but luckily not my first love, so strangely the last guy hurt me more despite not having been intimate with him.

 

Anyway, but the part about good bjs = ha! And he would know too. I'm apparently the same I was also way more adventurous than him, I want to learn and be good... sounds a bit weird, but I almost feel like it is a service I want to provide well for the person I love. I want to be the best that I can be and make him a happy man. I also think it has solidified that I really value sex as being something special and not just sex. And since you waited til 29, I'm sure you did have hangups, but now that you've got experience I imagine that whoever wants to marry you at some point will appreciate that you don't have a heap of partners behind you, so try not to go crazy! I also feel like I owe it to the next person not to sleep around... (not that I'd want to anyway). I know that everyone has different values, but ideally I would like to be with someone with the same values in this respect, and I found it difficult accepting that he had had previous partners - some I was ok, but when I thought of the randoms they would often ruin the moment. We'd be out at a club and I'd think, is this where you met one of them? Because you're that sort of person that you'd just go for it?

 

I know also that there is the whole men and women are different/think about it differently. Which is probably mostly true, but not entirely. I don't know, maybe I'm just conservative... but I also think on an objective level that sex is more than sex. At one stage in my life I thought that it meant nothing and we're all just animals in the end, but now I see that it really is the most intimate you can be with someone, that you see a different side of them and it does really add to a relationship and make you attached. I think it can also throw a relationship off balance... I think me and my guy did it too soon, and when we weren't talking and didn't communicate well I'd resort to sex to feel closer to him. But obviously there's no emotional investment there, and especially for him it was probably just sex...

 

Point is, lots of lessons have been learnt.

 

Edited to add: I know some may say I was being irrational etc. with the previous partners thing and whatever, but for me it was just how I felt and I did work on being accepting about it all. It was just the imbalance in the relationship (him having experience, me not) that also threw me off.

Edited October 11, 2012 by JustALittleBit

[Sugarkane]

I had a similar breakup and did all these things. Never been contacted years later. Even though I did all these things, it took me a lot longer than 4 months to get over the azzhole.

[sendme]

I like this!! Definitely steps I need to take to recover! And I definitely dated myself last week I went in vacay to Hawaii!!

 

Now that I'm home I'm just learning to do the day by day without him... But I have to admit I'm definitely also casually dating to ease the pain of him being with someone new... I've never casually dated to get over a relationship before... So this is new ground, but it helps as long as I don't rush into anything else...

[NavyAirTraffic]

I'm telling you these steps, along with others, have really helped me. This was my most crushing breakup, and I'm 33. I went from thinking about her 100% of my day 3 weeks ago to maybe 50% today. Changing the chatter in my internal conversations and dating myself are really helping right now. I've moved to casual dating. I have 4 dates lined up this week with 4 different women (2 down 2 to go). I won't sleep with any of them but I'm relishing on the ego boost.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still miss my ex, I want to hold my ex so bad, like it used to be. However that isn't my choice to make right now, I can only focus on myself.

[sendme]

I have to say your four dates in a week with four different women makes me feel much better about the one guy I'm casually dating to keep company with!

[NavyAirTraffic]

I have to say your four dates in a week with four different women makes me feel much better about the one guy I'm casually dating to keep company with!

 

I'm honest with them, I have told them ALL that I'm broken right now, I don't flirt, I don't lead them on, I tell them I have another date the following night. Is it overkill? Maybe. My theory is the more I have now, the easier it'll be to connect when I'm feeling down and need someone to hang out with.

[sendme]

I like it... And I may be slightly jealous... I feel like after my ex cheated on me dozens if times in the last few months it would be wonderful to have several men wanting to take me out

[NavyAirTraffic]

I like it... And I may be slightly jealous... I feel like after my ex cheated on me dozens if times in the last few months it would be wonderful to have several men wanting to take me out

 

If that's your actual picture in your avatar, I assure you, you'll have no problem having dozens of men on their knees for you!! Just go out once, don't drink have a clear mind, they will be falling head over heels for you.

 

For me I had to really work at it, I won't have it as easy as you.

[sendme]

Hahaha... Thank you... Yes it's me... Never had any luck on the bar scene... I just don't get hit on... It's usually only after a guy knows me for a few weeks that hell ask me out, never had a stranger in a bar even offer to buy me a drink...

[NavyAirTraffic]

Hahaha... Thank you... Yes it's me... Never had any luck on the bar scene... I just don't get hit on... It's usually only after a guy knows me for a few weeks that hell ask me out, never had a stranger in a bar even offer to buy me a drink...

 

Ok I just looked at your album and I understand why guys don't approach you, I'm sorry to tell you this but you are a 10. You are drop dead, whoever would cheat on you must be out of their mind! Men will rarely approach you because they simply don't feel worthy (yes Wayne's World reference). You have a terrible burden to bear.

 

Let me tell you how it works for guys seeing girls like you. Guys see you but won't have the ballz to talk to you, then kick themselves for 3 days for not taking to you. You'll do great in the guy department sendme, don't worry. I'm sure more mens comments will follow.

[JSJS]

Hahaha... Thank you... Yes it's me... Never had any luck on the bar scene... I just don't get hit on... It's usually only after a guy knows me for a few weeks that hell ask me out, never had a stranger in a bar even offer to buy me a drink...

 

Sendme, you seem like a lovely person and you look great. I know you'll be fine.

 

Don't be afraid to talk to people when you are out. I would assume that you have someone in your life and are probably fighting them off if anything :-)

 

Somewhere there is a guy looking to treat you the way you deserve. Don't give that previous jerk one more second of your time. He didn't deserve you!

[Grow]

Haha, I just checked your pics too, sendme. Navy is right. You may well have problems that nice guys will not dare to approach you. A psychotherapist (or psychologist?) told me once that girls who look very good have that problem. It is even worse: The guys who do approach girls like you are often the ones who feel like they have "nothing to lose". Which are normally the less healthy lads to be with.

On the upside: You show a little bit of interest to someone you feel attracted to, he should fall for you quickly!

[LostInADream84]

What a great post!!! Thank you for sharing. I'm going to try these suggestions starting.... Now!!