Update on year-ago post

[firstandlast]

About a year ago, I posted this while trying to get over a nine-month affair that had recently ended: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/304160-questions-about-ended-affair#post3698054

 

About a week after that post, the MW realized she was having a miscarriage (she had suspected she was pregnant, but didn't get a positive result on the at-home test until that morning). The child was almost certainly mine. We, of course, talked about the pregnancy and miscarriage with a mix of profound sadness and relief that we had dodged a bullet. After that, the NC stuck for about three months.

 

Then she made the mistake of recommending me for a job at her new workplace. (We met at a previous job.) Despite our history, I made the mistake of taking the the job, reasoning that we wouldn't be on the same team or even on the same campus. And I was miserable at the old job, which was a factor in the two of us getting involved in the affair.

 

Anyway, we resumed emailing each other. She confided in me that, during the 3-months of NC, she had a mostly emotional affair with an old friend. Knowing this happened was enough for me to resist her new advances, but I eventually gave in. We've been fully involved for the last three months -- until two days ago. She was at a company conference and, in what she says is an attempt to be honest, told me she flirted with a co-worker. I told her "we're done," and have been mostly successful in cutting off communication. But I am dying inside. I don't think I'll be able to say no again.

 

Meanwhile, my wife (who had seen some incriminating emails last year but does not know the extent of the relationship) and I have gone to some counseling, and the marriage is genuinely improving. I still don't feel rekindled romance or the connection I feel for the MW -- and yes, I realize that re-starting things with the MW is not helping.

 

I feel so helpless when the MW comes calling. My brain knows that being with her is a recipe for pain, but my heart and body want her so badly. How could I be so stupid? Why would I be willing to throw away a loving wife and child for this woman who is clearly not ready/able to maintain a committed relationship? What is wrong with me?

[TaraMaiden]

The best and only way you can end this to-ing and fro-ing - is to come clean during counselling.

 

Complete Honesty. Total 100% and also, complete total 100% transparency. Hold yourself accountable, BE accountable and do whatever it takes to rebuild your marriage.

 

You also have to tell the OW that you and your wife are in counselling, you'd rather make it with her, than a flaky flirt, any day, and you wish her well with her bloke-bouncing, but you're not going to be her soft place to fall any more.

Man up, grow a spine and cut her off at the knees.

 

And read my Caliguy NC guide. Caliguy also worked closely in the same premises as his ex- - she dumped him, but he held all the cards, by implementing his own advice.

That - for starters - is how to clear the fug from your head.

[woinlove]

I agree with TM about coming clean. It's very difficult, maybe even impossible, to be the person you want to be while maintaining such deception with the person you share your life and raise a child with.

[TaraMaiden]

That's a good post LFH, with several salient points.

He states that with counselling the marriage is "genuinely Improving".

Attraction for OW is throwing a spanner in the works.

Yup.

I guess he really DOES have to be honest with himself and decide what he wants - but that said, OW seems flighty, frivolous and flaky - and it's not the first time she's flirted with other guys.....

 

Leaving his wife doesn't guarantee diddly-squat with OW - but she's yanking his chain, and I suspect that it's simply because his chain is available for yanking.

If not her - someone else?

 

OP, you really need to think about what exactly it is you want.

Exactly.

[Owl]

IF you don't value the marriage...then go ahead and throw it away.

 

Tell your wife about your affair...it's likely your best bet to get her to leave you...the best bet to make her feel the same way you do about your marriage.

 

It's your best chance to remove that weight around your neck...remove that valueless relationship.

 

What's stopping you?

[firstandlast]

 

It's your best chance to remove that weight around your neck...remove that valueless relationship.

 

 

I didn't mean to give the impression that it's a valueless marriage, though I can see how my actions might suggest as much. My wife is a genuine, loving person who is a wonderful mother to our 4-year-old daughter. If the marriage is salvageable, I want to save it -- believe me, even if the AP were ready to settle down with me, I'd much prefer to find happiness in my current marriage and spare my wife and child the trauma of a divorce.

 

So that's my question. Is it possible to rekindle interest in a spouse that you're no longer physically attracted to and never really fully connected with?

[TaraMaiden]

 

So that's my question. Is it possible to rekindle interest in a spouse that you're no longer physically attracted to and never really fully connected with?

 

No.

 

'rekindle interest'....?

With someone with whom you were "never really fully connected with" in the first place?

 

No.

 

And "no longer physically attracted to"...?

 

No.

[skywriter]

first andlast,"I'd much prefer to find happiness in my current marriage and spare my wife and child the trauma of a divorce."

 

 

Interesting way to word that, first and last, "spare" them....hmph....

 

The wife is a genuine loving person, you want to spare.

 

The OW, who's not got a way, to defend herself, is flighty, flakey, and a flirt. Whom, by the way, miscarried your child.

 

interesting....

Edited October 11, 2012 by skywriter

[Owl]

I didn't mean to give the impression that it's a valueless marriage, though I can see how my actions might suggest as much. My wife is a genuine, loving person who is a wonderful mother to our 4-year-old daughter. If the marriage is salvageable, I want to save it -- believe me, even if the AP were ready to settle down with me, I'd much prefer to find happiness in my current marriage and spare my wife and child the trauma of a divorce.

 

So that's my question. Is it possible to rekindle interest in a spouse that you're no longer physically attracted to and never really fully connected with?

 

Not to be rude, but I don't think that's your question. The question really is...do you want to?

 

If you truly want to...then I'm gonna disagree with Taramaiden and say yes it's possible.

 

But if you're not sure you want to...not 100% committed to trying...then the answer is no, and it's time to file and divorce.

 

Gut check...type your first response without any thought at all to it...do you want to?

[firstandlast]

first andlast,"I'd much prefer to find happiness in my current marriage and spare my wife and child the trauma of a divorce."

 

 

Interesting way to word that, first and last, "spare" them....hmph....

 

The wife is a genuine loving person, you want to spare.

 

The OW, who's not got a way, to defend herself, is flighty, flakey, and a flirt. Whom, by the way, miscarried your child.

 

interesting....

 

Just to be clear: "flighty, flakey, and a flirt" weren't my words to describe the MW. If I thought she was a horrible or silly person, I wouldn't be so heartbroken about this. She just isn't ready (or doesn't want) a committed relationship. She thinks she is -- though she remains married, she swears she wants only me -- but her second affair during our breakup and several minor crushes are pretty clear indications that she's not. She had a strict upbringing in India and got married just as she, by her own admission, was entering a "wild," unsettled phase of her life.

[sad puppy]

So that's my question. Is it possible to rekindle interest in a spouse that you're no longer physically attracted to and never really fully connected with?

 

My question is: Why did you marry her? You say you've NEVER FULLY CONNECTED.

 

So, why did you get married? Was it "just time" to settle down. Were you ready for a family? You say she's a great mother but little else about her.

 

Answer that question, and we may be on to something here.

 

And one more thing, and I don't mean to be snarky here, but you want to "spare" them the trauma of divorce. Are you being very truthful or do you want to "spare" yourself. I believe in most cases, the reason many drag their feet is that they want to spare themselves.

 

So, start at the beginning, why did you get married to your wife? I think once you figure that out, that will assist in determining if you have a future.

[veryhappy]

Can you explain the genuine improvement in your marriage, and what your marriage lacked for you to start the affair? I'd guess there's no romance, maybe not so much sex?

[firstandlast]

Not to be rude, but I don't think that's your question. The question really is...do you want to?

 

If you truly want to...then I'm gonna disagree with Taramaiden and say yes it's possible.

 

But if you're not sure you want to...not 100% committed to trying...then the answer is no, and it's time to file and divorce.

 

Gut check...type your first response without any thought at all to it...do you want to?

 

I do want to be happy and fulfilled in my marriage. I want to be physically attracted to my partner and feel a deep, profound connection. I would not have entered the affair if these things things were true in the marriage (though admittedly, the affair has only exacerbated those missing elements). Even if the AP suddenly convinced me she could stay committed to me forever, I would rather find a way to be fulfilled completely in the marriage.

[firstandlast]

 

My question is: Why did you marry her? You say you've NEVER FULLY CONNECTED.

 

So, why did you get married? Was it "just time" to settle down. Were you ready for a family? You say she's a great mother but little else about her.

 

Answer that question, and we may be on to something here.

 

And one more thing, and I don't mean to be snarky here, but you want to "spare" them the trauma of divorce. Are you being very truthful or do you want to "spare" yourself. I believe in most cases, the reason many drag their feet is that they want to spare themselves.

 

So, start at the beginning, why did you get married to your wife? I think once you figure that out, that will assist in determining if you have a future.

 

Those are very good points. I did feel it was time to settle down, and at the time, marrying my wife seemed the natural course of events. I hadn't dated much in high school and college, and didn't realize until meeting my AP that connecting to someone on so many levels -- intellectually, physically, etc. -- was possible. I didn't know what I was missing, in other words. At the same time, my wife is a wonderfully loving and professionally talented woman. I admired her.

 

You're right about there being some selfishness in not wanting to divorce. I'm afraid of ending up alone, being seen as one of those middle-aged guys who failed at their most important relationship. But I'm truly afraid that it would ruin my wife and seriously damage my daughter. If building the marriage into something more fulfilling is possible, I want to do it. I understand that comparing a new affair (not so new anymore I guess) is unfair, but I have never felt this ways about anyone. If there's any chance of getting this out of my marriage, I want to do it.

Edited October 11, 2012 by firstandlast

[skywriter]

Just to be clear: "flighty, flakey, and a flirt" weren't my words to describe the MW. If I thought she was a horrible or silly person, I wouldn't be so heartbroken about this. She just isn't ready (or doesn't want) a committed relationship. She thinks she is -- though she remains married, she swears she wants only me -- but her second affair during our breakup and several minor crushes are pretty clear indications that she's not. She had a strict upbringing in India and got married just as she, by her own admission, was entering a "wild," unsettled phase of her life.

 

Thank you for clearing that up, "first and last". I couldn't quite understand your being heartbroken. I apologize for misunderstanding.

Maybe she accepted the A for just what it is, an A. I dunno, I can only imagine how she must feel. I know how I felt.

 

I can relate to how she is thinking.

[firstandlast]

Can you explain the genuine improvement in your marriage, and what your marriage lacked for you to start the affair? I'd guess there's no romance, maybe not so much sex?

 

For a long time, she was controlling in many ways -- monitoring my spending (beyond household budgeting and savings), not allowing me free time and constantly criticizing my choice of books, movies, etc. I felt stifled. We also had communication problems that led to a lot of unnecessary conflicts. Since we started counseling after she discovered the emails, Those two issues have improved dramatically. She really is trying.

 

I just don't feel physically attracted to her and we don't connect on some very basic levels -- I feel like we're strangers sometimes. I'll come home and we have nothing to talk about besides the house and our daughter. She loves me. She just doesn't really know me.

[firstandlast]

Thank you for clearing that up, "first and last". I couldn't quite understand your being heartbroken. I apologize for misunderstanding.

Maybe she accepted the A for just what it is, an A. I dunno, I can only imagine how she must feel. I know how I felt.

 

I can relate to how she is thinking.

 

Yeah, I'm realizing that I came in with completely different expectations. When you're in love, it's easy to assume the other person feels exactly the same way. Realizing that she doesn't hurts beyond words.

[whichwayisup]

Meanwhile, my wife (who had seen some incriminating emails last year but does not know the extent of the relationship) and I have gone to some counseling, and the marriage is genuinely improving. I still don't feel rekindled romance or the connection I feel for the MW -- and yes, I realize that re-starting things with the MW is not helping.

 

You need to make a decision. Either focus on your wife and reconnecting with her, fixing yourself AND ending the A once and for all - OR divorce, then go be the OM to MW. Continue having an affair with her.

 

You asked for this by taking another job to work with her.

 

Your marriage isn't improving. It's a lie..Sorry, but the choices you've made have led you back on the cheating path. Your wife is being made a fool without knowing it (yet) she thinks the A is over. Does she know that you work with the MW again?

[sad puppy]

Those are very good points. I did feel it was time to settle down, and at the time, marrying my wife seemed the natural course of events. I hadn't dated much in high school and college, and didn't realize until meeting my AP that connecting to someone on so many levels -- intellectually, physically, etc. -- was possible. I didn't know what I was missing, in other words. At the same time, my wife is a wonderfully loving and professionally talented woman. I admired her.

 

This is what I suspected. And you "admire" your wife. You wanted to get married, you admired her, probably thought she'd be a good mother - and there you have it.

 

Now, you have met someone that energizes you on all levels, as your wife does not, your wife was the safe, reasonable choice in a marriage partner.

 

It's time to come clean in MC, and I'm not necessarily a believer that that should always be the case. There is A LOT missing in your marriage, and you know it. Do you think YOU energize your wife on all levels? Maybe, you do not.

 

But you settled once in your life, and this is where you are. You have a chance to remake your marriage, make it into something you want for all the years moving forward or, ... this is the chance to recognize that there is a big world out there. If you leave, obviously, it cannot be for your AP. You must leave for yourself.

 

But, if you choose to stay, you must choose to stay with all your heart, and not become one of those weak willed guys who stays in his "okay enough" marriage but seeks pleasure & happiness outside of his marriage.

 

Think about it. It's one way or the other. But do not choose out of fear, or you will miserable forever.

[veryhappy]

For a long time, she was controlling in many ways -- monitoring my spending (beyond household budgeting and savings), not allowing me free time and constantly criticizing my choice of books, movies, etc. I felt stifled. We also had communication problems that led to a lot of unnecessary conflicts. Since we started counseling after she discovered the emails, Those two issues have improved dramatically. She really is trying.

 

I just don't feel physically attracted to her and we don't connect on some very basic levels -- I feel like we're strangers sometimes. I'll come home and we have nothing to talk about besides the house and our daughter. She loves me. She just doesn't really know me.

 

 

So you're better roommates. Great! You don't seem to want to be married with a roommate for the rest of your life.

 

A year passed by...Is your marriage really better? On the dimensions that really matter? No. Put a timeline on it, maybe another year, leave the OW alone, go to MC and walk away if another year doesn't make any difference. You can't will your marriage into something it is not.

[firstandlast]

You need to make a decision. Either focus on your wife and reconnecting with her, fixing yourself AND ending the A once and for all - OR divorce, then go be the OM to MW. Continue having an affair with her.

 

You asked for this by taking another job to work with her.

 

Your marriage isn't improving. It's a lie..Sorry, but the choices you've made have led you back on the cheating path. Your wife is being made a fool without knowing it (yet) she thinks the A is over. Does she know that you work with the MW again?

 

I know. taking the job was stupid on so many levels. I'm actively looking for another job -- especially since the coworker the AP flirted with at the conference is someone I have to see every day.

 

My wife doesn't know. We're not on the same campus, but I do have occasional business meetings in the building where she works. The AP's husband, who also discovered some of our emails, knows and was upset about it. But as far as I know, he's satisfied that we're not working together.

[Furious]

About a year ago, I posted this while trying to get over a nine-month affair that had recently ended: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/304160-questions-about-ended-affair#post3698054

 

About a week after that post, the MW realized she was having a miscarriage (she had suspected she was pregnant, but didn't get a positive result on the at-home test until that morning). The child was almost certainly mine. We, of course, talked about the pregnancy and miscarriage with a mix of profound sadness and relief that we had dodged a bullet. After that, the NC stuck for about three months.

 

Then she made the mistake of recommending me for a job at her new

workplace. (We met at a previous job.) Despite our history, I made the mistake of taking the the job, reasoning that we wouldn't be on the same team or even on the same campus. And I was miserable at the old job, which was a factor in the two of us getting involved in the affair.

 

Anyway, we resumed emailing each other. She confided in me that, during the 3-months of NC, she had a mostly emotional affair with an old friend. Knowing this happened was enough for me to resist her new advances, but I eventually gave in. We've been fully involved for the last three months -- until two days ago. She was at a company conference and, in what she says is an attempt to

be honest, told me she flirted with a co-worker. I told her "we're done," and have been mostly successful in cutting off communication. But I am dying inside. I don't think I'll be able to say no again.

 

Meanwhile, my wife (who had seen some incriminating emails last year but does not know the extent of the relationship) and I have gone to some counseling, and the marriage is genuinely improving. I still don't feel rekindled romance or the connection I feel for the MW -- and yes, I realize that re-

starting things with the MW is not helping.

 

I feel so helpless when the MW comes calling. My brain knows that being with her is a recipe for pain, but my heart and body want her so badly. How could I be so stupid? Why would I be willing to throw away a loving wife and child for this woman who is clearly not ready/able to maintain a committed relationship? What is wrong with me?

 

 

 

You say you got the OW pregnant but she lost the child.

 

You are having unprotected sex and also say she's been involved with someone else during your brief break up.

 

Have you been tested for std's?

[firstandlast]

You say you got the OW pregnant but she lost the child.

 

You are having unprotected sex and also say she's been involved with someone else during your brief break up.

 

Have you been tested for std's?

 

After the pregnancy, we've used protection consistently. And her second affair was mostly emotional. They kissed exactly once. She and her husband use protection consistently (that's why we knew the child was probably mine).

[Furious]

After the pregnancy, we've used protection consistently. And her second affair was mostly emotional. They kissed exactly once. She and her husband use protection consistently (that's why we knew the child was probably mine).

 

 

Ok...she kissed the other-other man only once, that's good to hear. There's no reason to not believe her.

[firstandlast]

Ok...she kissed the other-other man only once, that's good to hear. There's no reason to not believe her.

 

Maybe it's naive -- she lies to her husband, after all -- but I don't think she'd have any reason to lie about this. We were broken up at the time. And she voluntarily told me about flirting at the conference. She knew that I would react badly to it but told me anyway. She's been honest with me so far.