Almost one month into our separation......

[intenshnal]

Hi everybody! My best friend has gone through almost exactly what I'm going through, and she has given me lots of advice, and it worked for her, as far as getting her husband back, and getting him to treat her respectfully. Funny thing is...she still has the divorce papers all filled out, signed, and ready to file....because she isn't sure now that she wants him anymore! lmao So I know that her advice is good and it works, and I'd love to be the one with the power to decide in the end if I even want him back. It's all about the power baby! lol

 

So almost a month ago, my 39 yo husband decided to leave. I am 47 yo, so yes, he married me fairly young. I will try to condense this as much as possible, because it's not necessary to know all the sordid details, only what transpired right before he took off.

 

We "would" be celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary this weekend. He is my second husband (his first), and we have a 13 yo son together. We dated for one year prior to getting married, and married exactly one month after our son was born. Our relationship over the years has been up and down - more up than down, but never the less, we had the same issues every married couple has (fighting over household chores, money, jobs, etc...). We "had" a very passionate relationship. We "were" addicted to each other. Sex "was" incredible with each other, and we had a healthy sexual relationship even up to a week or so before he left. The reason he left is actually very juvenile.....although if you ask him the reason, he'd say that I was mean to him, I emasculated him too much, and that I was too critical of him. He is right, in part, but that is not the whole story.

 

My husband's dream in life is to be a famous singer, and I think in his heart of hearts, he thinks being a husband and a father is holding him back. Although we have done nothing but support his dream both emotionally and financially, he wants the fame to be handed to him on a silver platter. At his age, he thinks doing it any other way is a waste of time. (we tried everything in the past, from reality shows to karaoke competitions, to sending his CDs to labels and radio stations, etc..) This separation is now the second time he's left me, and over the same exact thing......a beautiful, rich, older woman has offered him fame and fortune if he just believes what she tells him.

 

The first time he was gone for a month or two, and I did everything wrong....I called him all the time, showed up at his work unannounced, professed my undying love for him, apologized profusely even though I knew I wasn't in the wrong, and begged him to come home until he did. We went to marriage counseling for about 3 sessions and then quit..thinking we could figure this out on our own. Bad move!!

 

This first time a woman on the internet promised to give him hundreds of thousands of dollars to do a music tour, but it ended up being a scam. Before it was said and done, he had quit his job, left us in a financial crisis with no way to pay our mortgage, bills, or even eat, no medical care, etc....and I was livid at him for doing that to us without confiding in me. This happened about 4 years ago.

 

Fast forward to this year. We had a very tough year in 2012. In March of this year, he and I and his 80 yo mother were rear ended in a car accident, then in April I fell off my horse and broke many bones (I am still recovering from that!), then in June we had to put down our 4 yo German Shepherd that we all loved dearly, then in July of this year, my husband met beautiful woman number two!!!

 

This one is local, and he developed a deep, passionate relationship with her that was based solely on the fact that she promised to use her famous identity in our city (and her money) to get him a record deal and put him on a worldwide tour. Of course she was lying to him, but he ate it up. She is a little bit older than me.....and I found out after doing some digging on her, that she is a convicted felon as recent as December of 2011. She has also been in trouble with the police this year. So, after he told me about her, he started lying about her background, the nature of their relationship, etc....until he totally withdrew from our family. He started totally ignoring his son, texting on his phone 24/7 when he got home from work, and staying up till the wee hours talking to his new meal ticket. Anytime I tried to press the issue that we needed to sit down and talk about this situation, he would just say, "what's the point?".

 

So this all ended up in him moving out, with him accusing me of being too controlling, pushy, mean, whatever....when in actuality he was the one being all of these things. I broke down crying in front of him so many times trying to find out what he was doing to our family, and he wouldn't own up to any responsibility whatsover. (he was already being distant for a few months leading up to meeting her, which has more to do with his own insecurities than anything I was doing or not doing). But he tried to say that he was leaving because he felt the marriage was long over before he even met this woman.

 

So, once again I did a lot of the wrong things for the first few weeks, although I didn't once ask or beg him to come back. I am now doing the silent treatment, and I am so proud of myself that I hadn't texted or phoned him in 5 days this week. lol But he did call today, because he wants to see our son tomorrow and do some grocery shopping. I have control of the money right now to be sure he doesn't leave us out in the cold. He is paying $500 a month to stay at a coworkers, and we get all the rest he makes because I am unemployed. We haven't talked about any long term solutions, because he still refuses to talk about those things, and I cannot let him divorce me until I have a job with medical benefits. So our conversation today I kept upbeat and short and to the point....and tomorrow when I have to see him I will not let him start a fight with me because he loves to do that.

 

My goal is to keep as distant as possible from him, only talk to him when he calls me, ignore his texts, keep in person conversations on subjects about his mother and our son only, and to just wait it out and see how it plays out. He is still lying to me about HER, so I don't have trust for him right now. He never lied to me before this year, so it is not something I take lightly. I think he's going through a midlife crisis, and little things here and there make me think he's waiting for me to act like I did before and beg him to come back. I am working on finding a job, moving out next month into a place I can think of as a home without him, and making sure our son stays focused, safe, and of course doing what I can to help him maintain a healthy relationship with his Dad, even though his Dad never tells him that he loves him and rarely that he misses him. He's only seen him once in 3 weeks.....so there's a lot of abandonment issues there that my son feels. So far, he is being very mature about it.

 

Wow this got long! I am so sorry!!!! Anyone else in a similar situation?

[M30USA]

It's all about the power baby! lol

 

No it's not. That's what manipulative, weak people think who view others as commodities and not as people with souls.

 

Your friend did her ex a favor by letting him go.

[intenshnal]

No it's not. That's what manipulative, weak people think who view others as commodities and not as people with souls.

 

Your friend did her ex a favor by letting him go.

 

I don't believe in God, so I am assuming you are referring to some religious belief in what you just said.

 

Yes, relationships that have fallen apart are EXACTLY about who holds the power. But it's not a negative thing unless you let that power detract from who you really are. My husband right now holds all of the cards, because he knows I love him, and I will always love him. But what he's counting on is that he will always have a home to come back to, if his new life that he's trying to get going fails. So, in essence, he is counting on me to forgive him no matter what happens.....he has all the power in the relationship.

[intenshnal]

This is a better example: If you put people on a pedestal, they’ll only look at you from above, which puts you below them.

 

Do some research on getting the power back in a relationship. Google is wonderful on that subject. There are lots of getting back your self-esteem articles written about it.

[Gunny376]

I read most of the replies here, as well as your updates. I have to chime in though, from experience (I left my first husband using those words "I love you, but am not in love with you"). They are not empty words though...they mean just that. "I care about you as a person, but you don't satisfy my emotional, physical and mental needs anymore". There is such a thing as growing apart, even if only one spouse feels that way. I tell you this to let you know that once they admit those particular words, the marriage is over. Anything that you're hanging onto now or hoping for just won't happen. But know that it's for the best, and I promise you, you will find happiness in the future!!!! Life is now beginning anew for you, but you will still experience the feelings of a death in the family. I am so sorry. Take care of yourself, and continue to get support here that you need.

 

Ain't Karma just such a bitch!

[M30USA]

One thing that gets me mad is when the abusers, themselves, use the line about "it takes two willing parties". Nope, this only applies to cases where there isn't abuse or infidelity. My ex gave me this line. She assaulted me (I never laid a finger on her) and before the divorce which she filed she said "it takes two willing parties". This translates to ME taking accountability for what she did. Need I even ask what she would say if it were ME that did the assault?

[intenshnal]

Its too bad this forum is wasted on the hateful and bitter. What a bunch of losers. Enjoy bashing people and trashing their hopes and dreams. Do you really have nothing better to do? I do.