My GF is driving me crazy with her Anti-Social Behavior...What do I Do??

[bookworm]

Here's my Problem:

 

 

I'm 27, my girl is 23.

 

Been together 4 years, we lived together 3, Awesome relationship, we never fight. Broke up once,

So she could be single, feel independent, have fun with friends etc. But we got back together.

But something is starting to really bug me, that I never minded before.

 

 

She is very, very Anti-social. If she knows someone well,

she has no problem being loud and silly. At her job, she’s loud and

laughs away, around me…the same. But if it’s someone new or my parents,

or whatever, she’s such a mouse. She has a very low-self-esteem. Yet, when we

broke up, she was hanging out and partying with her work friends and didn’t seem like

she was in turmoil because she was shy. We’ve been back together for 5 months now

and she still has yet to figure out her future or try anything as far as her career choice

goes and always claims she’s a loser because she doesn't have any friends to go out with

or hang out with. I'm very Ambitious and have drive to accomplish goals. She doesn't. I try to

encourage her but she just gets depressed and doesn't ever want to talk about it. Sometimes

I feel she gets kind of jealous of me. If ever i suggest we go out with a mutual friend to dinner,

she gets weirded out and says she doesn’t think she can. She's sooooo afraid of not knowing what to say,

that she'll look Un-Cool cuz she's not doing anything but working at her job and not in school.

 

It just makes me feel bad for her but at the same time, it annoys me. I don’t have many friends and I get nervous and uncomfortable around her family at times, but at least I try. I want her to know she has talent and is a beautiful person. I tell her all the time.

I want to marry her someday very soon, but I also want to be able to go out and accomplish my goals without the worries or fears that she's just going to be left home alone without anything to do but go on the computer or watch TV or read and wait for me to get home.

 

What do I do??

[therresa kennedy]

Well, as a woman in her late thirties I can offer a bit of advise. Sometimes it is just a matter of being young, and in time she will come out of it. It is amazing how time and experience can help a person develop a thick skin.

 

I do have one strategy that you can use or not, depends entirely on what you want to do. I read somewhere that there was this therapy developed for misbehaving children, where the adults at the center for disturbed children were to "ignore" any bad behavior or acting out and "praise" all the good behavior.

 

The surprising thing is that this therapy really works. Why not try treating her as a child in this respect, when she is rude, short with people, or sulky just ignore her. If she asks why you are ignoring her, just say something like "when you feel like being positive I will give you my attention", just an idea.

 

If she is genuinely sad and feeling incompetent, or afraid of saying the wrong thing in front of your family or friends you could also ask her what happened to her as a child to make her so insecure, be gentle about it, but maybe her talking about it might help.

 

There are a number of ways in which you could get her to make some changes, but the first thing you must uncover is WHY she is so afraid and insecure in larger groups of people, there have to be some valid reasons for it. In any event, I wish you luck and try to be patient with her, even when she annoys you . Best wishes.

[bob101]

This may or may not work, but definitely worth a try. Tell her to get a part-time evening job, something that forces her to deal with people. Some sort of service industry where she is required to talk to people, make them happy, and exposed to new people every single day.

 

I was shy as a young twenty-something. Just moved, had very few friends, everyone at my day-job was much, much older than I.... so decided to take up a part-time evening and weekend job waiting tables. Not only did it give me extra cash, but as an extremely shy person, I learned how to talk to people. It forced me to learn what to say, what to do, etc.. to make people at ease and happy. Those skills I learned, I still use today when meeting new people. That job enabled me to realize that if you're just nice, and you be yourself, people will like you. It boosted my self-esteem and confidence, and once you have those, you can talk to anyone.

 

Plus, it'll give you time to go out and have fun on the nights she's stuck at work.

[kmax]

Self-Esteem is something she needs to work on. You can help by working with her out of two books I myself have used and still use when I get down on myself. "IF WE'RE SO IN LOVE WHY AREN'T WE HAPPY?", by Susan Page This one you can do without her and what you learn, she will learn by seeing you doing it. And the other is

"THE HEALING YOUR ALONENESS WORKBOOK". by Erika J. Chopich, Ph.D. and Margaret Paul, Ph.D. They may seem like that it isn't what your looking for, but take my work for it, they are.

[DaiseyEyes]

Your gf probably feels "stupid" when she talks about her problem because she feels very ashamed of it. It is also likely that she is aware that her fears are not rational. It sounds like you are trying to make her feel better about herself and that's good as long as you are sincere. I think she just needs something to feel good about. I see that you realize this but she doesn't. Unfortunately, most of her problems have to be solved by her. Maybe if she gets involved in some type of volunteer work she would feel good about herself. This may sound a little silly, but when you want to do something with mutual friends go to a place that she has been to before. A familiar place may make the situation at little less scary. Does she have anyone other that you that she feels comfortable with? If so, invite that person along. I hope the two of you can find a solution.

[Lenna]

When reading your post, what you told me of your girlfriend I was reminded of Social phobia and agoraphobia. To me, your girlfriend having problems with going out places and becoming a "mouse" as you say around your family and new people sounds like it could be a symptom of either of these. If it sounds right, maybe finding out more information about it would help you both.

 

Because your girlfriend acts the way she does around your family doesnt mean she isnt trying or doesnt want to try. It's understandable how it may seem that way, though. I would say, giving your girlfriend lots of support, keep giving encouragement and listening to her if she wants to talk is important and also telling her positive things about herself like you already do. It is up to her to talk, and act on her problems. If depression is a big problem maybe counselling would be a good idea?

[bookworm]

thank you ALL.

 

I will try the things you suggested and keep couseling in mind.

 

I just want her to feel more comfortable in life. She complains all the time about her

Mom who doesn't do much and has never done much with her life, other than be a wife

but who has not even really been good at that. Her mom, withdraws and goes thru depressions

and has always had odd jobs here in there but would quit them in a heartbeat if someone is rude to

her or whatever.

 

My girlfriend has a lot of Talent, she's smart and funny but has no Confidence. I feel like i've put up with

a lot of strange and sometimes frustrating behavior from her, but I love her so much that I'd rather help

her than give up on her. I'll do my best, thanks guys and gals.