Baby Momma choosing Step Dad over Bio Dad for Medical appts.

[wmrjw82]

This is a question for you single moms out there. If your baby daddy was very involved and a good dad (but you didn't get along w/ each other), would you try to step over your son's father by trying to get your now husband (child's step dad) to take the child to medical appointments even though the bio dad is willing and able to do so?

 

I'm currently in this situation and everyone I tell it to is amazed. Most baby momma's are LOOKING for a Dad who is involved and helps out financially. Call it selfish but I feel like she is crossing boundaries by wanting to have the step dad take him to the appointment. I have my son every other week, not weekend, and I am a very involved Dad. Unfortunately, bm has tried to replace me ever since my child has been born (we were engaged and she left me 3 weeks after our child was born for a co-worker who she is now married to). She has also taught my son to call him Daddy, which also makes me sick.

 

The greatest honor of my life is being my son's Dad and I find it sickening when she tries to pull stuff like this. He has a flu shot on Monday and it falls on her week. She specifically scheduled this appointment when she knew I was off work and available. I advised her that if she tries to have her husband take my son to the appointment he will be leaving with me.

 

I need some feedback on this. She's usng our son as a pawn to hurt me and it makes me sick. Has anyone ever dealt with this? I'm a really great Dad and it feels like she's been trying to replace me ever since day one. Help!

Edited October 12, 2012 by wmrjw82

[wmrjw82]

75 views and no responses? Anything helps? Please...

[Balzac]

Do you have joint custody? It almost goes w/o saying that there legal remedy to this is available. It's difficult to answer your question or offer suggestions/commentary absent a basic fact set.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Balzac
USA? What state? How old is your child?

[wmrjw82]

Do you have joint custody? It almost goes w/o saying that there legal remedy to this is available. It's difficult to answer your question or offer suggestions/commentary absent a basic fact set.

 

Our custody agreement is strange. I have him Tuesday thru the following Monday every other week. She has final say in medical & education, but has to have my input in things before she makes a decision. I have all access to medical, school records, etc. Ability to make emergency decisions when he is in my care. There's nothing I can do legally unless I were to ask for a modification. Financially speaking, that's not in the cards right now. I already spent 16 mos and 15,000 on a custody dispute.

[wmrjw82]

no tips, advice, feedback for similar situations? ANYTHING?

[Balzac]

Thanks for the additional details. It sounds as if she holds sole custody w you holding parental rights. I understand the effort and expense of modification.

 

It's basically a choose your battles plan. It's unfortunate but common that "new man" takes over whatever mother of your child delegates. In most cases, even the birth of her subsequent children rarely alters the dynamic.

 

Do not give up, continue to let her know your wants. Keep in mind that as children grow things between you and your child do matter. It's really all about communication and in that, she can refuse you forever.

[wmrjw82]

Thanks for the additional details. It sounds as if she holds sole custody w you holding parental rights. I understand the effort and expense of modification.

 

It's basically a choose your battles plan. It's unfortunate but common that "new man" takes over whatever mother of your child delegates. In most cases, even the birth of her subsequent children rarely alters the dynamic.

 

Do not give up, continue to let her know your wants. Keep in mind that as children grow things between you and your child do matter. It's really all about communication and in that, she can refuse you forever.

 

Sorry but I have no idea what you're trying to get across. "It's unfortunate but common that "new man" takes over whatever mother of your child delegates." What do you mean by this? I know she is the one calling the shots in their relationship. She's a control freak and that's how she's always been. She even brainwashed my child into calling her husband Daddy. Imagine being in a medical appointment and she's sitting there holding your 1 year old child and showing him pics of her husband and telling the child..."who's that.... is that DADDY?!"... she brainwashed him. All right in front of me.

 

"It's really all about communication and in that, she can refuse you forever"... no idea what you're saying here either. As far as communication goes I wrote her the following email last week...

 

"I would appreciate it if you could start referring to your husband around Taylor as "step dad" or "Ryan". This only confuses Taylor by forcing our son to call him "dada" like i've seen you do in doctor's appointments right in front of me. How would you like it if I was with someone else and had Taylor call her "Mama"? Please think about that situation long and hard. And please dont say it wouldn't bother you because it bothers any REAL parent. It should be Taylor's choice as to what he calls your husband, and if you aren't real with him it's only going to hurt him when he realizes the truth. Until he's old enough to make that decision on his own, please refer to him as Ryan or Step Dad around our son. I promise you I will be doing this to counteract anything negative being taught to him. It's only going to confuse and hurt our son if you are not labeling him appropriately. Again, this is not a demand, i'm asking you to do the right thing here from parent to parent. It would go a long way between us if you could understand where i'm coming from and respect my request. "

 

She responded by calling me and telling me she's blocking me from all further emails because subjects like this "aren't important"...

 

If I say anything she doesn't like she either blocks me or pick up/hang up on the phone so I am unable to leave voicemails. Control freak to the max.

[Balzac]

What I tried to convey was that one cannot force another to acquire effective communication skills. Cannot force another to acquire knowledge re: child development/child psychology. What you as a responsible parent must endeavor to do is "the right thing". Hard as that may be. Patenting is about "the best interest of the child". By exercising visitation, understanding that your son is "a pawn" you can get him through this ridiculous power grab his mother is embroiled in.

 

I'd be furious and hurt, as you clearly are. Kids are smarter than many parents give them credit for. Your son will know you are his true and biological father. Soon enough socialization with families outside of his two will begin to happen. Other parents will see her for the mediocre parent she is. They will likely get to know you too and will reinforce your daddy role.

 

Knowing what the divorce statistics are, prepare for "Ryan" to be gone.

Get a plan for how to help your son cope and know that you continue to be daddy.

 

I think I would encourage you to get a bigger picture in mind regarding well baby checks. I agree it's nice to be involved. What's happening is that she uses the appt to hammer you, abuse her power and your baby boy is stuck in the middle.

 

I'm sure others here can comment on your email war. Clearly the woman is stuck in adversarial mode w you. She's incapable of sharing parenting and other than a good lawyer, it's not a problem you can fix. I suspect you knew this before the pregnancy occurred. I feel your pain. Have you been informed about parental alienation?

 

I'm sure you must ask yourself what you ever saw in her?

[wmrjw82]

Have you been informed about parental alienation?

 

 

Thank you, I was not aware of this. I'm admittedly scared that my baby's mother would have no problem doing things associated with this (such as: running me down in front of him as he gets older)... how do I combat this? I just feel like the whole system is against me and i'm trapped. I never run her down in front of him and I just wish I had full custody over him in order to prevent any damage she might inflict. I do want her in his life, but its evident thru her actions over the years that she can't get over her combative hate for me.

 

The only thing I have going for me is that in our initial case it has been documented thru subpoened (sp?) medical history of her bipolar type II personality. She has a history of suicide attempts, and was a swinger before our relationship came out. The courts took all of this into consideration and STILL gave her full custody due to the bias in the US courtsystems for the mother.

 

ugh...

[darkmoon]

if you left her, then she might prefer your more loyal, um, replacement

go for custody, father for son, i saw this work

[wmrjw82]

if you left her, then she might prefer your more loyal, um, replacement

go for custody, father for son, i saw this work

 

Um, if you would have read my original post you would see she left me 3 weeks after our son was born for a coworker.

 

And as stated before, going for custody/court isn't an option right now due to finances.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

After a breakup, particularly a hard one - for instance involving betrayal for another - one parent, usually the mother, may try to write the former partner out of their lives, which means out of her life and those of the children. That it hurts the former partner may be the main reason, added bonus or irrelevant.

 

You are the former partner. Seems your ex would be happier if you did not exist.

 

Writing emails to her asking her to consider your feelings, will do nothing. She knows what she is doing.

 

As for medical appointments - these are nothing entirely special in themselves. They are just an area where you think you have some control, and where she is trying to take it away from you.

 

Presumably these are appointments booked by your wife (because you don't have the say in medical matters?) and during the time when you don't have custody. I would say, little you can do about it.

 

Your only practical recourse is legal, and your objection seems a little thin at present. You have 50% custody if I am counting right, that is the important thing and you do not want to jeopardise it.

 

This is one area where, whatever the legal agreement, the parent with the most rights, usually the mother, can broadly ignore quite a lot of whatever deal has been arrived at, just because they want to. Life - or rather law - is unfair.

 

You have a lot more, than many. It's a sucky situation, but sometimes we just have to pick the least sucky out of a set of sucky options. Best wishes.

[wmrjw82]

After a breakup, particularly a hard one - for instance involving betrayal for another - one parent, usually the mother, may try to write the former partner out of their lives, which means out of her life and those of the children. That it hurts the former partner may be the main reason, added bonus or irrelevant.

 

You are the former partner. Seems your ex would be happier if you did not exist.

 

Writing emails to her asking her to consider your feelings, will do nothing. She knows what she is doing.

 

As for medical appointments - these are nothing entirely special in themselves. They are just an area where you think you have some control, and where she is trying to take it away from you.

 

Presumably these are appointments booked by your wife (because you don't have the say in medical matters?) and during the time when you don't have custody. I would say, little you can do about it.

 

Your only practical recourse is legal, and your objection seems a little thin at present. You have 50% custody if I am counting right, that is the important thing and you do not want to jeopardise it.

 

This is one area where, whatever the legal agreement, the parent with the most rights, usually the mother, can broadly ignore quite a lot of whatever deal has been arrived at, just because they want to. Life - or rather law - is unfair.

 

You have a lot more, than many. It's a sucky situation, but sometimes we just have to pick the least sucky out of a set of sucky options. Best wishes.

 

Thanks for the feedback but that really seems like a pessimistic or defeatists point of view. I'll never view things that way. My ex has serious mental issues which have been accounted for in the courts and she knows she needs to watch what she does. I'll always be there involved in my son's life whether she likes it or not.

[ferel]

sounds like your baby momma is a beatch! sorry you gotta deal with that. she's trying to get your kid to call him daddy?

[wmrjw82]

sounds like your baby momma is a beatch! sorry you gotta deal with that. she's trying to get your kid to call him daddy?

 

she already has brainwashed him to do it. Nothing I can really do now. Except when he gets older explain that Im his real Dad and he is his stepfather. Who knows... maybe he wont even be around by then. As someone eluded, divorced statistics is like 1 in 2 get divorced these days? Either way.. i'll never take a backseat to him.