Inappropriate?

[make me believe]

Wow... I am married - and in my 20's, so not some old-fashioned lady who just doesn't get today's male/female "friendships" - and I think this is SOOOO inappropriate! Your first post, Driver.. the way you describe your "connection" with him, and all of this shadowing nonsense and conveniently bumping into each other, and having shared interests... the tone of that post raised a ton of red flags in my mind.

 

I actually am wondering many of the same things Doug is, and your refusal to answer his questions & insistence that he's just bitter is kinda fishy..

 

I think it is obvious that you are interested in this guy, and for some reason you refuse to see why anybody would find it odd for a 20-something girl to ask a 40-something married guy to go to the theater with her. How many people have told you that it's inappropriate? But you keep clinging to the few who say that it's ok & that the rest of us are just crazy or bitter.

 

When you are married, it's important to have boundaries to protect your marriage. Because the kind of thing that you're describing - coworkers who have a "connection" and who casually meet for coffee, and talk about their lives, and are "friends" - is exactly how the majority of affairs start. Most people do not wake up one day and say "you know what? I think I'm going to start up an affair with that girl in Marketing today." No. They were "just friends" and it "just happened" blah blah blah. To question or belittle a man or woman who wants to protect their marriage by sticking to certain boundaries shows a lack of understanding and care.

 

Basically, while I was reading this thread, I was pretty shocked by your attitude and refusal to admit that there might be something inappropriate about what you're doing. I don't understand why you don't focus your attention on SINGLE men? Surely this MARRIED guy is not the only guy in your city who you can "connect" with? I think you are fooling yourself (and attempting to fool us) by claiming that you're only interested in being friends with him.

[standtall]

driver...when I first responded to your original post, I had thought that you had made an innocent mistake, but after reading you banter with these posters, the points that makemebelieve made, and the fact that you are utterly un-apologetic about the situation makes me believe that you are not so innocent and knew exactly what you're doing. My opinion...go pursue someone else that is available...your current course will not end up well.

Edited October 17, 2012 by standtall

[Driver12]

Makemebelieve - Once again, you and anyone else can think what they want. I've never called anyone crazy or bitter if you read my posts properly, I always said that I was interested in fresh opinions and that remains true. I was never after validation, I was just curious as to what others thought and I've received exactly that.

 

My 'connection' with him is the same as any other friend, to make and become friends with someone, there has to be a connection - of a platonic kind - in order for you both to get on, male and female.

 

Regarding the job stuff - I don't call bettering myself career wise 'nonsense', and you can think what you like about the 'convenient' bumping into each other, it makes no odds to me. If myself or the man ever wanted anything why did it not happen the first time around when we were on the course? Oh, that's right...because neither of us are attracted to each other and he's married!

 

I don't know where you think you read that he's '40 something', as again, if you read properly, I've stated he's in his 30s and there is 5 years difference between us, not 20 something!

 

Regarding Doug - nobody else has posted with such a detailed, energy-filled response and as I've stated plenty of times already, it's not my entire life on here to be disected, it was one isolated occassion that in the grand scheme of things isn't a big deal, so no, I'm not going to post answers to questions like 'have I had a boyfriend in the last 2 years?' or anything else ridiculous/irrelevent

 

Of course I can appreciate how some people wouldn't like it and do deem it inappropriate; as I said, this thread had been enlightening. If anyones spouse felt uncomfortable with a friendship, then of course that should take presidence and be respected. If you read what I've written throughout with a clear mind you'll see I never said otherwise. I've also said that I have no aversion to meeting my friend's wife, or if she'd wanted, to come along

Edited October 17, 2012 by Driver12

[Driver12]

Standtall - You are entitled to your opinion and have always stated it in a civil way without being rude to me, so fair enough. I'm happy to tell you you are wrong, but I'm not offended, you're forming an opinion based on a few posts on a forum and not a full picture of me as a person. I appreciate your replies and opinion on the situation

[standtall]

Standtall - You are entitled to your opinion and have always stated it in a civil way without being rude to me, so fair enough. I'm happy to tell you you are wrong, but I'm not offended, you're forming an opinion based on a few posts on a forum and not a full picture of me as a person. I appreciate your replies and opinion on the situation

 

Very true, I may be wrong about your intentions. I understand that it is hard not to step in the gutter with some posters when they are attacking you...G** knows I have.

[woinlove]

Of course I can appreciate how some people wouldn't like it and do deem it inappropriate; as I said, this thread had been enlightening. If anyones spouse felt uncomfortable with a friendship, then of course that should take presidence and be respected. If you read what I've written throughout with a clear mind you'll see I never said otherwise. I've also said that I have no aversion to meeting my friend's wife, or if she'd wanted, to come along

 

See, this is where I and some others see it completely differently from you. If this man is a committed father and wants to maintain and intimate, loving R with his W, and has any close friends in his life, I would expect him to have different priorities right now and not want to give up an evening with his wife and children for a casual friend at work. I really think what matters the most is what he thinks. What he thinks may be influenced by his wife (and that fact that he answered the next day suggests it is) but it is still what he thinks that matters.

 

Most people end up doing what they want to do, and pleasing one's spouse may be one of the things one wants to do, but it is still what one wants to do. His wife may have an opinion, but it is his opinion that really matters as far as how he chooses to spend his time.

 

I would phrase the question as would he want his W to meet you or to come along - before getting to whether she wanted to meet you/come along.

Edited October 17, 2012 by woinlove

[Driver12]

Woinlove - Of course what he wants to do matters, that goes without saying. I was commenting on all the remarks about my ignoring his wifes wants/opinions, is all

[kookybunny]

Janesays has been dead on AND appropriately harsh at making her points as you seem too dense and in denial for anyone to get a point across.

 

Have you even considered how the wife might feel? Sitting at home with the kids while her husband has a night out on the town with some younger, single chick from work?

 

Have you considered how YOU'D feel, sitting at home while your bf took some other single woman out at night without inviting you? Unlikely that you've had any relationships that lasted a sizeable length of time, a question you pretty much answered for all of us by choosing not to answer. screams volumes to what is already obvious about you.

 

The guy that talked about feminism and false naivety was right as well.

 

People like you seem really selfish and pathetic. Even your coworkers thought it was weird. Now they see you in a totally different light. Your "friend" does now too.

 

Learn some social grace, empathy and decency.