21 in 12 days and feeling unsure of my identity and life

[marknel83]

Hey, im a 21 year old attractive male living on the eastern shore of md. This may be long for those who are brave but i want the people reading this to get a accurate sense of me so there opinion would be accurate. My mom had me when she was 17 and 3 years into my life my dad left. He was into the motorcycle party long hair drug and rock and roll thing going on. My grandmothers husband married around the time i was born. He was a single realestate owner in my small town which had no kids so he took me away from the poverty of living with my mom and stepdad and basically took me as his son. I entered elementry school ALWAYS getting in trouble not sitting still or focusing on my work. In middle school i was diagnosed with adhd. MOST doctors say everyone has it but i know i really did have it. In middle school i struggled to make any friends i had 1 or 2. The other kids would make fun of my clothes since my mom was poor the smell of kerosene on me from heating the house the holes in my jeans etc. I was a skinny little guy but got into fights very often at school with other classmates and was in the office a few days a week. I had no social skills what so ever because my mom is a total anti social person who to this day still acts like shes 16. I also had no interaction with females because i was shy and i was looked down on in my class. Eigtht grade i broke my leg in half playing soccer which was the only thing i was good at and the one positive thing i was known for at my school. I made all the allstar regional teams and my grandfather and me would go to the tournaments together. It took 8 months to get my cast off and a few months later to walk without a limp because it broke in half and almost came threw the skin.

 

Also i left out important info. My mom would hit me alot for the dumbest stuff yell scream send me to my room for 12 hours at a time etc. My step dad would throw me across the room on occasion for the dumbest stuff. Once he picked me up by my hair. Hes 6'6" 240lbs i was like 80lbs. He didnt like me because i was apart of my dad and moms relationship. It sounds bad but my mom and stepdad are basically white trash. In high school i sat bymyself at the lunch table everyday. Was pestered by teachers who didnt like me cause the majority of the students didnt.

I played soccer for a year but i worked arbys at 15 worked out at the ymca went to tennis practice every day and school. So i had no time for anything. I thought of suicide around 15 and 10 months. I had been saving for a car and my grandfather bought me one at 16. A 92 white firebird with gold wheels which was better then both my parents cars and brought more jealousy towards me and around that time i had no conversation with them for years from 14 to 16. I was secluded to my room because i didnt like them. The car took alot of pressure of me. I met a guy from school who was sorta anti social like me and played soccer at a rival city team. We became friends and hung out everyday and had some good times.

 

Now being 16 i still was extremely shy but got up the nerves to ask this girl out at a basketball game at my friends school which i pretty much became known at his school for a cool fun guy sort of a new start for me. Around then i hung out with one of my friends friend who lived with him whos parents had died and my friends mom brought him in. So the 3 of us became good friends. Another guy we knew joined us and hung out with us and got us all smoking weed. I live near a major beach resort so wed have tons of fun getting high walking the boardwalk and hitting on girls, going camping, etc. My attitude changed with the use of weed, before i was reserved now i was like **** it lets have fun anyway possible. Broke a few laws little stuff while having fun . At the same year i moved in with grandfather because i couldnt stand my home life anymore. He let me do whatever i want cause he was so into his realestate company and i liked the freedom.

 

As a senior i was horrible. I was high almost everyday before school during and after, i was hanging out with a friend who sold coke and weed, and i helped him and did some on the side for myself. I stayed pretty much in the ghetto with him every day just smoking ducking and dodging fights (somehow i never gotten into one) my license was suspended by a doctor who i cussed out saying i will run him over bla hblah i got kicked outta my grandfathers Who finally gave up on me temporarily and ended up meeting my dad i hadnt seen in 12 years and had to live with him in horrible conditions in a small broke down shed once. I was homeless for 5 days at the shelter in my town im a blonde hair blue eyed typical white boy in this shelter full of black people, some knowing my grandparents were rich and didnt understand but i made it threw there anyway, and finally went to my grandmother and told her i had enough of this and moved in with her i was kicked out of there and back to my grandfather with my gf of 2 years JUST REALL BAD TIMES. My gf i met around that time start to change my life around I stopped smoking weed and doing mushrooms and growing them during those years i was completly in love.

 

My grandfather seeing how i held a job for a year and had not been to court of driving on suspended licence quit driving and trying to get my life together built me a house behind his. A 1 bedroom 1 living room bathroom house in a nice area way out in the country. Me and her had a REALLY bad break up the first time i fell into depression Really bad i could hardly sleep eat or work, i cried at work alot i worked at a hotel on the beach as a bellman sorta so i could not be seen when i did. I was unemployed for a while a year ago

then my grandmother and step grandfather had gotten me a job at sysco. A really awesome oppurtunity at 30,000 a year with no college. I was going to college but i had gotten a refund because of this job was important at that time. I changed the way i dressed I dressed nice all the time new jeans new shoes ralph lauren polo etc worked out went to the tanning bed teeth whitening really took care of myself and have gotten tons of compliments on my appearance which i always thought was bad. I bought a 95 isuzu rodeo in excellent condition bought a nice system for it Re designed the inside of my house with my grandfathers expensive old furniture it looks as good as his house. My lifestyle now is very nice. I take trips to nyc which I really love. My one passion since i gave up tennis and soccer. Had a few short relationships after my ex of 2 years. I have some stocks savings accounts quit hanging out with my old bad friends and life is going good. I was way behind a normal 20 year old avg person. NOW im ahead of them. In a short time. I doubt anyone had read this far haha but if you have you can make a good judgement on me now.

 

I have 1 friend living with me now who smokes weed and drinks like my younger years but i cant really connect to well with him cause of that, and 1 good friend that i have been friends with for 5 years. My grandfather is guiding me threw life im learning threw him alot my grandmother and my relationship has become REALLY strong there both really proud of me and the adults in my city now recognize me as a good guy with a future from meeting them at my grandfathers office. My attitude has totally changed, im More Social and happy.

 

BUT i work all the time now 40 to 60 hours sometime it starts out sunny gets dark and the sun comes out again till i get out of the freaking place. I come home to my self, watch tv get on here get really bored and adjitated. I REALLY FEEL SOMETHING IS MISSING FROM MY LIFE, not just a girlfriend, i dont know what it is, or why i am here, what should i do, ALSO my past always comes back to haunt me here, People remember me for the person i was it ruins alot of relationships once they find out my past. Alot of the people id associate would see me in public and say whats up where have you been whatever, you still have that stuff etc... and it just ruins things. Ive totally secluded myself from the life i had before. I know its better but i feel empty inside. The only place i feel alive at is nyc with so much to do and see. Everywhere here around where i live reminds me of my past and is just old. I think ihave this constant slow depression over me that makes me not enjoy anything really. Im by myself usually all week ill go to my grandmas or stop by my grandfathers office then go to work come home 4 am fall asleep 6 wake up 2 pm go to work start it all over, Sometimes i go to my friends and hang out but all the friends me and him knew have went there own way still smoking weed drinking and partying all the time i lost alot of friends to that. I have all this stuff now and built up my life but still feel so empty. Sometimes i think i would like to get a gf for a year and just get married and start a family BUT then again i think financially i wouldnt be able to do the stuff i do now, and i think im to young to give in to the stable good feeling family life. But i also think if i had a kid i would be able to devote my life to it AND HAVE SOME SORT OF PURPOSE IN LIFE. Thats one of my main struggles what am i hear for and how come theres more boring times then good happy highs in life. I dont know what my problem is why i am not happy with all i have done. To others they would think im doing really good. ALso i still feel like im the same person i was sorta like my self esteem is still the same well its better but not ALOT better, To me i still think i need to do more but dont know what it is?

 

WHAT is your OPINION on any of the topics of my life. What should i do to improve it? WHY DO YOU THINK I AM STILL NOT HAPPY????????? i know its super long sorry haha SEEYA

[shamen]

Hi Marknel83,

 

I truly believe that this is sort of a transitional phase that you are going through. I too did a lot of drugs and hung out with all of the wrong people when I was younger. It takes a lot of courage to sort of get up and walk away from this scene. Believe me, there are moments that I still miss it. But, I've been drug free for a long while now, and it feels so good and clear and right, and I know that I've made the correct decision.

 

Why is this transition so hard? Good question. Filling the void that exists is hard. That's why so many people self medicate by using drugs/alcohol. It's an epidemic. You've got to find something that you love doing and do it. That's why people have hobbies. Dorky, I know, but it becomes life blood. For example, now I am really into the outdoors and camping. I fill the void by going hiking, taking trips with good people that satisfy my soul; center me. They remind me why I'm here. I write. I hang out with my friends who have got it together. I read. I play videogames. I read comix.

 

Small towns (I would imagine it's somewhat small if you're on the Eastern Shore; To me, that's all tiny compared to where I live.) have a way of trying to drag you down by forcing you to remember who you were. But the point is, you are no longer who you were. You've got to remember that you are stronger than all that sh**. Who cares? What really matters is that you have become someone that you could have become that is good people. You are no longer wallowing in poo. You made it OUT! YEA!!!! Do you know how hard it is for most people to walk out of bad situations like that? Not a lot of people make it out. Pat yourself on the back for this each and every day.

 

When I go back to the small town where I grew up, I still sometimes get crap from people that I haven't seen in 15 years. How stupid, small and petty their lives are to judge me on things that happened that long ago. Next time someone does this to you, say to yourself, "This person's life is so unfulfilled that they have to talk about me." Pretty sad, huh?

 

I remind myself often that I lived through my drug experiences and that part of my life without dying. I didn't OD. I didn't get hepatitis. I didn't get HIV. Yeah baby. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I am a strong woman and remind yourself that you are a strong man for walking out and MAKING IT.

 

Yeah, the transition is weird (I wrote a whole paper on my transition into professional life because I was so freaked out by it), but that will pass. I'm not saying that I never miss who I was, but I realize that what I am is better than what I was.

 

Peace, Shamen

[foxxyy1313]

You've come a long way. Good for you that you picked yourself up and brought yourself out of what most people would have used as an excuse. Your parents sounds like jerks, but you got lucky. Your grandparents *your grandpa, bringing you in might have been the best thing that could have ever happened to you. You should definitely look to them as your parents. Forget that they are not the first chain in the link to you. Just because they didn't physically make you, they certainly did a great job of showing you a better way to live. Maybe you got out of it all by yourself, but they were probably a big contributing factor in it.

 

I think that you are a very intelligent young man and have a whole lot going for you. It takes a strong person to overcome the pressures of drugs. When I was in high school, I had to do the same thing. It was hard being the kid who dumped all their friends because they did drugs and to be the kid sitting by herself because she had no other friends... but it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. When people come up to you and judge you by your past, remember that a real person.. a mature person, will see past that and judge you by the present.. by the obstacles you have over come. Expect to get **** from the people who still do drugs.. the people who are still back at square one. Why would they be all excited for you? That would mean that they are admitting that they are 'beneath you'. Don't take their comments to heart. You know deep down inside that you have crossed over some serious obstacles and made enormous progress... don't let anything that those people say make you think any less of yourself.

 

The reason you feel empty inside is because you have secluded yourself from the familiar past. Your changing and its different... and different is uncomfortable. Back then you did drugs, you broke the law... you did all this stuff and that is what is familiar to you.. that is what feels comfortable. This new stage in your life feels awkward and lonely because its NEW. Don't be afraid of the newness... use it to your advantage. Make it a new canvass to draw on. Use the nervousness and the emptiness to your advantage and fill it with new things. Maybe there has always been something that you've always wanted to try... but thought that you weren't good enough.. or you were too scared. Use it now! Or go back to soccer! Just cuz you gave it up when you were young, doesn't mean that you can never play it again. Find a hobby. You win in all ways.. you get to keep your mind busy, you get a work out, and you get to meet new people.

 

Ditch the dude that still smokes pot. Being around people who are still stuck in the stages that you are trying to get away from is a way of holding you back. You need to surround yourself with people who don't drink or do drugs. Let those types of people be your role models.

[marknel83]

Thanks for the comments what you both say makes alot of sense, and it does feel more reasurring. Thanks Alot.