Dating for 2-3 months. Together or apart for holidays?

[Mydish1]

So anyway I've been seeing this girl for about exactly 2 months. We haven't had any kind of talk at all and are trying to keep things at a good pace without pressure of any kind (or at least I try not to with her), since she seems like the type that likes to take things at a slow but good pace.

 

Anyway before we met though, she already made plans for thanksgiving and xmas and I think she's going to stick with it. Her plans involve her spending time with family on thanksgiving and visiting her friend in the South on xmas. My plans are flexible to be honest and can go either way of visiting family or not...but I haven't told her that, and she hasn't asked me to meet her parents or join her for thanksgiving/christmas. She hasn't met my parents yet either, though one time I did invite her to come up to my mom's place for dinner, she was either headed home or hanging out with her friend so nothing came of it. And I haven't asked since.

 

I suppose you can define our relationship as 'bf and gf', since it seems to be slowly progressing towards that or it is almost like that. We communicate daily. But the meeting family and spending holiday together thing has me stumped.

 

What do people think about this? If she really wants to invite me to join in in her holiday plans let her invite me, otherwise I shouldn't pester her about it? And normally it's usually left up to the girl to let her define the relationship if she wants to have a talk isn't' that true? that it's a bad idea if a guy brings it up first?

[veggirl]

Too soon to pester her about pre-planned holiday activities. Esp considering Thxgiving is a month and a half away and Christmas two and a half months...

 

last year I'd been with my BF for 4 mos come Thxgiving. He went to his parents, I went to mine, and he stopped by my family's dinner after finishing up with his parents. We didn't spend Christmas together. It was fine.

[CarrieT]

I started dating my current BF in October of last year. I wished I could be with him during the holidays, but - in retrospect - it was better that we were not.

 

Now that we have passed our one year mark, THIS YEAR will be our first, official holiday together...

 

Sometimes, having the clarity of time and space are best.

[Eternal Sunshine]

With my ex, we were 2 months in a committed relationship when Easter rolled around. I spent it with my family and he was home alone. I wasn't ready for him to meet my parents at that stage. He was trying to pressure me into inviting him - big turn off.

[Jane2011]

Every couple is different, but for me, it's too soon to spend 'family' holidays together. I've been seeing a guy for the same amount of time that you've been seeing your girlfriend (exactly two months), and we also have bf/gf status with each other. We're already making Halloween plans, but I really want to be with my family without him for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And he hasn't tried to make plans with me for those days, but I think he might want to. I need at least a year or two before I want a guy around my family. Even then, that might be too soon. Maybe two or three years! It is kind of strange because in all other ways, I'm not 'slow-moving' (I'm relatively quick with sex, and have no problem calling someone my boyfriend or having him call me his girlfriend). But I'm slower when it comes to him meeting my friends and family.

 

At any rate, I think it's too soon for you to do the family thing with your girlfriend. To me, there's a difference between wanting to be serious with someone (that is, intending to be serious with someone) and actually being serious with the person. Right now, for you and for me in our respective situations, you take your girlfriend seriously and vice versa, and I take my boyfriend seriously and vice versa. It could well be that the intention for all parties is to be in a serious relationship long-term. But neither of our respective relationships, despite great intent and great hope for long-lasting love, has stood the test of time. Nothing can make that happen except time. So I don't go by "I take him seriously" "He takes me seriously." That's just half of the equation. The other half is that we actually have made it through a year together. Doesn't mean everything, but it's a start.

 

Only then do I think it's appropriate to start involving family....

[Mydish1]

You guys make some valid points. I suppose even by Thanksgiving, 3 months would be too soon. We haven't really discussed halloween, but I do hope we get to do something together. I think the illusion that everything is moving fast (communicate daily, seeing each other often) is making me feel like we should move to the next step.

 

She is somewhat on the conservative side. And I'm more on the whatever/laid-back/liberal kind of side. If I think my parents might like her and vice versa, I won't mind if she meets them within at least a couple of months. Right now I'm just gauging the situation on her responses, it seems to be working well.

 

Every couple is different, but for me, it's too soon to spend 'family' holidays together. I've been seeing a guy for the same amount of time that you've been seeing your girlfriend (exactly two months), and we also have bf/gf status with each other. We're already making Halloween plans, but I really want to be with my family without him for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And he hasn't tried to make plans with me for those days, but I think he might want to. I need at least a year or two before I want a guy around my family. Even then, that might be too soon. Maybe two or three years! It is kind of strange because in all other ways, I'm not 'slow-moving' (I'm relatively quick with sex, and have no problem calling someone my boyfriend or having him call me his girlfriend). But I'm slower when it comes to him meeting my friends and family.

 

At any rate, I think it's too soon for you to do the family thing with your girlfriend. To me, there's a difference between wanting to be serious with someone (that is, intending to be serious with someone) and actually being serious with the person. Right now, for you and for me in our respective situations, you take your girlfriend seriously and vice versa, and I take my boyfriend seriously and vice versa. It could well be that the intention for all parties is to be in a serious relationship long-term. But neither of our respective relationships, despite great intent and great hope for long-lasting love, has stood the test of time. Nothing can make that happen except time. So I don't go by "I take him seriously" "He takes me seriously." That's just half of the equation. The other half is that we actually have made it through a year together. Doesn't mean everything, but it's a start.

 

Only then do I think it's appropriate to start involving family....

 

It always amazes me how wide of a spectrum some people have as opposed to others. Personally I think it's crazy to wait a year or two to meet family. Optimal time for me I feel might be a few - several months.

 

Me and my last ex moved fast, she had a talk with me in a month and a half, met her parents in 2 or 3 months...hell she was even talking kids/marriage within a year. I also think my thought process might need to be adjusted a bit because my last R may have moved too quickly, and it's strange to see things moving slow (in the family/holiday setting).

 

All in all does this mean I should wait to let her meet my parents until I meet hers? Or would there be harm if she met my parents before hers?

[Mydish1]

With my ex, we were 2 months in a committed relationship when Easter rolled around. I spent it with my family and he was home alone. I wasn't ready for him to meet my parents at that stage. He was trying to pressure me into inviting him - big turn off.

 

What if the situation flipped and he asked you to meet his by 2 months? Would that have been cool with you?

[veggirl]

I think when you are an adult and have a few relationships under your belt, it's appropriate to wait longer to introduce a new man/woman to your family.

 

I mean really how many boyfriends or girlfriends do you want your family to meet? lol. Potentially you could be bringing a new one home every few months!

 

Plus, the more independent you are from your parents, the bigger deal it is IMO to bring someone else into the dynamic. I mean if you live at home, obviously things are different, but lets say you see your parents once a month or whatever, it is more meaningful to bring a guy/gal to them I think

[River Rain]

I personally wouldn't want to be invited to a family dinner/event until our relationship was quite solid and we were fully committed to each other. It's more important to me to make a connection with my guy than with his family though.

[mtnbiker]

Every couple is different, but for me, it's too soon to spend 'family' holidays together. I've been seeing a guy for the same amount of time that you've been seeing your girlfriend (exactly two months), and we also have bf/gf status with each other. We're already making Halloween plans, but I really want to be with my family without him for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And he hasn't tried to make plans with me for those days, but I think he might want to. I need at least a year or two before I want a guy around my family. Even then, that might be too soon. Maybe two or three years! It is kind of strange because in all other ways, I'm not 'slow-moving' (I'm relatively quick with sex, and have no problem calling someone my boyfriend or having him call me his girlfriend). But I'm slower when it comes to him meeting my friends and family.

 

At any rate, I think it's too soon for you to do the family thing with your girlfriend. To me, there's a difference between wanting to be serious with someone (that is, intending to be serious with someone) and actually being serious with the person. Right now, for you and for me in our respective situations, you take your girlfriend seriously and vice versa, and I take my boyfriend seriously and vice versa. It could well be that the intention for all parties is to be in a serious relationship long-term. But neither of our respective relationships, despite great intent and great hope for long-lasting love, has stood the test of time. Nothing can make that happen except time. So I don't go by "I take him seriously" "He takes me seriously." That's just half of the equation. The other half is that we actually have made it through a year together. Doesn't mean everything, but it's a start.

 

Only then do I think it's appropriate to start involving family....

 

You did not say this, but if my gf waited a year or more to introduce me to her friends I would most likely take that as a slight/insult. Family is more touchy, but if you don't feel your bf/gf is viable enough to meet them by then, they might question how you truly feel. Less than six months, I completely agree with you.

[Jane2011]

You did not say this, but if my gf waited a year or more to introduce me to her friends I would most likely take that as a slight/insult. Family is more touchy, but if you don't feel your bf/gf is viable enough to meet them by then, they might question how you truly feel. Less than six months, I completely agree with you.

 

Well, friends I think I can be integrated anywhere from right away to 2-4 months in.

[Mrlonelyone]

Family holidays are for family or friends who are like family. A GF or BF is only that after being around for a year or so.

 

On the other hand me and my platonic ex roomate hosted thanksgiving dinner at our apartment. But we were living together... so no ruel is set in stone.

 

IMHO. Just enjoy your holiday with your family and friends. Then enjoy getting to know her for another year at which point it would not be inappropriate to spend the holidays together.

[mtnbiker]

I'm not necessarily disagreeing, it is case by case though in my opinion. My cousin got engaged after eight months of dating and brought her fiance to Thanksgiving. At that point they were 8 months and one week together. Certainly much more than 2-3 months of just gf/bf I realize. They are now five years married.

[River Rain]

Another thing to consider, holidays don't always mean as much to one person as to the other. For me, I don't have a healthy family environment, so holidays were mostly centered around stress and didn't have any special meaning for me.

 

Also, there could be family issues, I mean, when I went to spend holidays with my family, it was just a screaming festival where everyone left feeling degraded. I would never subject my love interest to that kind of thing, though I'd be honest about it in the beginning.

[Jane2011]

Also, I should say that I think it's fine to just meet parents before a year. That's not a big deal, especially if it happens around 3-4 months. But spending family holidays together like you're already married or on the way there before a year...that's what I wouldn't feel all too comfy with.

[mtnbiker]

Another thing to consider, holidays don't always mean as much to one person as to the other. For me, I don't have a healthy family environment, so holidays were mostly centered around stress and didn't have any special meaning for me.

 

Also, there could be family issues, I mean, when I went to spend holidays with my family, it was just a screaming festival where everyone left feeling degraded. I would never subject my love interest to that kind of thing, though I'd be honest about it in the beginning.

 

Tat is awful, I genuinely feel sorry for you, and I know you aren't looking for pity...but just aww. I have been lucky enough to see real love through two generations and I feel priveliged to be in my position. BTW, you deciding to post your real picture is fantastic, you are a pretty woman.

[Mydish1]

Another thing to consider, holidays don't always mean as much to one person as to the other. For me, I don't have a healthy family environment, so holidays were mostly centered around stress and didn't have any special meaning for me.

 

Also, there could be family issues, I mean, when I went to spend holidays with my family, it was just a screaming festival where everyone left feeling degraded. I would never subject my love interest to that kind of thing, though I'd be honest about it in the beginning.

 

That's true too. The times I've heard her talk about her immediate family and extended family, they don't exactly sound like the pleasant types. She bickered about them at one point and mentioned how her mom and relatives have a narrow view of the world and like to criticize/pick on her for decisions she makes in life.

 

Given that the case, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want me to meet her family at all. She talks good about them too sometimes. But it seems more like she has a love/hate relationship with her family.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Mydish1

[River Rain]

Tat is awful, I genuinely feel sorry for you, and I know you aren't looking for pity...but just aww. I have been lucky enough to see real love through two generations and I feel priveliged to be in my position. BTW, you deciding to post your real picture is fantastic, you are a pretty woman.

 

Thank you It's too bad everyone isn't comfortable with their photos up as avatars, it's nice to see who you're talking with.

 

I feel the pain of not having that support system at times, but I also know that I'm strong, plus, I find support in other ways. But yes, I do often think it would have been nice if I had a loving supportive family. But you have to work with what you've got!

[River Rain]

That's true too. The times I've heard her talk about her immediate family and extended family, they don't exactly sound like the pleasant types. She bickered about them at one point and mentioned how her mom and relatives have a narrow view of the world and like to criticize/pick on her for decisions she makes in life.

 

Given that the case, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want me to meet her family at all. She talks good about them too sometimes. But it seems more like she has a love/hate relationship with her family.

 

She could be worried that they would embarrass or insult you, or her for that matter. I mean, I never wanted to bring bf's home when I was younger because my family members were very mean-spirited so it would have embarrassed me and made him feel bad. But at that point, I didn't want to admit I had such a rotten family so I never told why.

[Mrlonelyone]

Mydish1, find out how your SO's family regards the holidays. The best way would be to meet one of them before the holidays in a more casual setting. For some people thanksgiving is really casual. For others it's really a serious family only affair.

 

My family for example ancestors of ours were there for that first thanksgiving in new England and in Virginia for the starving time (which was years before the pilgrims even showed up by the way). These stories are ones we have been telling for hundreds of years. Even before thanksgiving was an official US holiday. If the OP's family is anything like mine it could be really very in appropriate for them to be there for the holidays unless they intend to be there for the long haul.

 

At the same time my family is not all wonderful. My mother is quite racist, and my father is a slob, but when the time is right the serious SO's meet them.

 

 

It is the better part of caution that if you don't know how they regard the holidays you should not be with them. If she does not want to include you in the holidays strong family traditions could be the reason. You are important to them, but your not family yet.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Mrlonelyone
serious typo

[january2011]

What do people think about this? If she really wants to invite me to join in in her holiday plans let her invite me, otherwise I shouldn't pester her about it? And normally it's usually left up to the girl to let her define the relationship if she wants to have a talk isn't' that true? that it's a bad idea if a guy brings it up first?

 

For me, spending time together during holidays and festivals is an important part of a relationship. But then I'm big on holidays and festivals - to mark time as milestones, to create great memories and have something to look forward to.

 

Not attempting to amend plans is a good indication that your lives are not that integrated and you are not an important part of his/her "inner circle." This is my personal opinion and I gather that some people will be a lot more relaxed about it and are very loathe to encroach upon pre-agreed plans. But I think that two months is enough time that you should be spending holidays and festivals together unless distance or complicated familial/work obligations prevent you from doing so.

 

If you haven't done so already, find out if she's free to spend some time with you for any of the holidays - you don't necessarily have to celebrate "on the day" but it might be nice to do something together close to it.

 

Regarding defining the relationship - my personal opinion is that it does not matter who brings it up. In my opinion, you should definitely bring it up before you sleep together, but I try to bring it up a lot sooner than that, unless the other person brings it up first. Usually, if I find myself having romantic feelings, then I'll aim to find out if the other person is on the same page and what they are looking for.

[Mydish1]

She could be worried that they would embarrass or insult you, or her for that matter. I mean, I never wanted to bring bf's home when I was younger because my family members were very mean-spirited so it would have embarrassed me and made him feel bad. But at that point, I didn't want to admit I had such a rotten family so I never told why.

 

I think she has many worries. Because I know for a fact she has a therapist she sees weekly. As far as I know she suffers from some form of anxiety. I would not be surprised if her family is part of the cause of this. I wish she would tell me and open up more, but she might be worried about being judged. I told her she could tell me anything and I'd just be here to listen, but she seems like the kind of person that needs time to get comfortable around people.

 

Mydish1, find out how your SO's family regards the holidays. The best way would be to meet one of them before the holidays in a more casual setting. For some people thanksgiving is really casual. For others it's really a serious family only affair.

 

My family for example ancestors of ours were there for that first thanksgiving in new England and in Virginia for the starving time (which was years before the pilgrims even showed up by the way). These stories are ones we have been telling for hundreds of years. Even before thanksgiving was an official US holiday. If the OP's family is anything like mine it could be really very in appropriate for them to be there for the holidays unless they intend to be there for the long haul.

 

At the same time my family is not all wonderful. My mother is quite racist, and my father is a slob, but when the time is right the serious SO's meet them.

 

It is the better part of caution that if you don't know how they regard the holidays you should not be with them. If she does not want to include you in the holidays strong family traditions could be the reason. You are important to them, but your not family yet.

 

That's what i would think too. But she hasn't brought up about meeting her family/parents yet (outside of the holidays). It doesn't seem to me that her family is as a major part of her life as it is to others. Plus her family lives out of state too, so distance is a challenge. She and her parents have very little reason to visit each other unless for the holidays or if she is moving (which just happened recently.

 

Funny you mentioned the racist part. TBH, I'm a minority and she and her family is white. She told me once that her entire family is white. In a nutshell, no one is involved in any kind of interracial relationship. Who knows what kind of criticism she might have to endure on my behalf if they were to find out. I haven't a clue if she mentioned me at all to any of her family or sister. I've met her friends already though.

 

Not attempting to amend plans is a good indication that your lives are not that integrated and you are not an important part of his/her "inner circle." This is my personal opinion and I gather that some people will be a lot more relaxed about it and are very loathe to encroach upon pre-agreed plans. But I think that two months is enough time that you should be spending holidays and festivals together unless distance or complicated familial/work obligations prevent you from doing so.

 

If you haven't done so already, find out if she's free to spend some time with you for any of the holidays - you don't necessarily have to celebrate "on the day" but it might be nice to do something together close to it.

 

I think she might be around the week of christmas. I haven't asked specifically but there's a good chance we'll spend it together...unless she decides to make plans without me. I think it would suck if we didn't spend NYE together.

 

As I said before she's kind of conservative. I dated a girl similar to her in college, whom both had a religious upbringing. It seems my safest bet is to move things along at her pace, but I would hate being the one feeling used because my needs may not be met.

 

Regarding defining the relationship - my personal opinion is that it does not matter who brings it up. In my opinion, you should definitely bring it up before you sleep together, but I try to bring it up a lot sooner than that, unless the other person brings it up first. Usually, if I find myself having romantic feelings, then I'll aim to find out if the other person is on the same page and what they are looking for.

 

The closest thing we've had to that was when a few weeks into dating, I mentioned i took down my OLD profile since I don't really go on and she said she doesn't go on either and she took it down the next day. Though she did ask me what I was trying to say..and I just referred back to taking down my profile. That doesn't imply anything other than the fact that we aren't/won't be seeing other people. Or maybe that already was our 'talk'? and it was implied? The way I see it, it isn't official yet until it happens on facebook.

 

Not really sure, but as a guy I heard it's a bad idea to pressure a girl into having a label or talk about it. In all my past relationships it's been the girl to bring it up, and if the girl wants to know bad enough she will bring it up. I mentioned about having a 'talk' with her to my guy friend and he told me the same thing to let her bring it up, he called me a control-freak lol. But thinking since she was on the same page as me about the OLD profile and needing me to bring it up, I wonder if she would react positively also if I brought up the bf gf talk?

Edited October 14, 2012 by Mydish1

[River Rain]

I think she has many worries. Because I know for a fact she has a therapist she sees weekly. As far as I know she suffers from some form of anxiety. I would not be surprised if her family is part of the cause of this. I wish she would tell me and open up more, but she might be worried about being judged. I told her she could tell me anything and I'd just be here to listen, but she seems like the kind of person that needs time to get comfortable around people.

 

Honestly, I suffer depression and anxiety. I'm fine telling people now, but when I was going through the worst of it, I felt shame, I felt like I was broken or something. And in my case, yes, it was due to family issues.

 

I think I always worried that if I opened up and made myself vulnerable, I'd be judged and rejected. It's hard to open up to people when you're scared. But you two seem to be fine otherwise right? Some people take longer to open up, but once they do, it's complete trust.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry, dupe

[Mrlonelyone]

That's what i would think too. But she hasn't brought up about meeting her family/parents yet (outside of the holidays). It doesn't seem to me that her family is as a major part of her life as it is to others. Plus her family lives out of state too, so distance is a challenge. She and her parents have very little reason to visit each other unless for the holidays or if she is moving (which just happened recently.

 

If you want to spend the holidays with her and her folks then you should be the one trying to meet, or talk to them now. Get to know them, show an interest in them.

 

Even people who do not visit their families often might think the holidays are special. Perhaps even more special if that's the only time they see their family.

 

Funny you mentioned the racist part. TBH, I'm a minority and she and her family is white. She told me once that her entire family is white. In a nutshell, no one is involved in any kind of interracial relationship. Who knows what kind of criticism she might have to endure on my behalf if they were to find out.

 

Depending on the family it can be pretty bad. If you are black and they are white and old time southern it can be an issue.

 

Just to flip things around a bit, I am not white and my mother decided she didn't like a young woman I have been talking to because she is white.

 

Don't assume that her parents are racist though. Most of the people in the USA are white. The odds favor dating a white person for that reason alone.

 

I haven't a clue if she mentioned me at all to any of her family or sister. I've met her friends already though.

 

and

 

The way I see it, it isn't official yet until it happens on facebook.

 

Are you on her FB? Is her family on her FB? If so then her family probably knows what you look like and a bit about you. Even if her family is somehow not visible to you, she may have showed you to them. After two months of dating I would have.

 

One more thing, don't take FB so seriously. A relationship is official when it's official IRL. FB is so irrelevant many don't advertise their status on FB and some people even fake their Rlship status on FB.