songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I've seen a lot of 'dumper' bashing on this site, and that the dumper just 'doesn't care'. As the 'dumper' I felt compelled to post this.... Not all 'dumpers' have no feelings for the dumpee, or no longer care how they feel, what's going on with them, or not willing to work things out. Although my relationship was not 'years' like some of the people on this site, the breakup still hurt just as much because the few months we were together was more intense than any multiple year relationship I have ever been in. I regretted my decision the moment I ended it. At the time, I only reacted out of anger because I was very hurt by the fact that he had sex with someone else while 'we' were still in the beginning stages of making something happen. It has now been almost 3 months of NC and I still think of him every waking moment of every day and wonder how he is and if I will ever see him again. I also still very much care for him and always will. I have not tried to contact him and he has not contacted me. I still don't understand what really happened! You can find my story on my original post, but in short, HE CAME TO ME wanting to take things to the next level, and admitting feelings, etc., and in a moments time, everything went sour. I over reacted and he accepted it was over. I did attempt to contact him the next day and for a month after with no success (the man lives in the stone ages and has no cell phone or social media network). The only close contact I've had was through his cousin giving him the message (so she said) of me wanting to talk to him. I guess he does not want to talk to me or see me again now. So now I'm not only left dealing with the 'loss' of the relationship, but the question of what would have been, what 'if' I would have done this that or whatever instead...AND was he lying to me the whole time about how he felt and what he wanted since it was so easy for him to walk away and never come back. I would love to hear any opinions on what you think about what the hell happened here because I'm 'stumped'! BUT...just know, some dumpers suffer too! So cut us some slack...lol Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 u said he had sex with someone else early in ur relationship?? the ppl ripping dumpers on here are not ppl that were dumped for cheating, i would only assume. ur situation is different. that being said, i do agree that dumpers get a bad wrap on here. but it's not hard to see why (as most of these dumpees, are suffering/emotional). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 Yeah, if he cheated then you as the "dumper" are correct to dump. And I'd have little sympathy for the "dumpee" in a situation like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I think you he saw you as drama. I mean, he was honest and open and you lashed out at him. In the first three months of dating aka getting to know someone expecting them to be exclusive is outragious. He probably need to have sex with someone else for his feelings for you to really surface. I'm sure the sex was awkward and that opened his eyes to what he was feeling for you, hence the conversation. I'm sorry but u may have dumped him but he DUMPED you. How you react to problems can make or break attraction Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 u said he had sex with someone else early in ur relationship?? the ppl ripping dumpers on here are not ppl that were dumped for cheating, i would only assume. ur situation is different. Well, in my original post, most people said we were never 'exclusive' so it was not considered cheating. Only in MY mind it WAS. We were still in the 'dating' phase, and that he was aloud to do what he wanted. I on the other hand did not feel this way, AND I never had sex with anyone else while we were together because I wanted to give it a chance to see where it would go. SOOOOO, I sort of feel like the blame is one me now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 I think you he saw you as drama. I mean, he was honest and open and you lashed out at him. In the first three months of dating aka getting to know someone expecting them to be exclusive is outragious. He probably need to have sex with someone else for his feelings for you to really surface. I'm sure the sex was awkward and that opened his eyes to what he was feeling for you, hence the conversation. I'm sorry but u may have dumped him but he DUMPED you. How you react to problems can make or break attraction You are absolutely right in one aspect of looking at the situation...BUT...even if it was an over reaction on my part...think of it this way...I had a RIGHT to be hurt, and he should understand that...so how the HELL should I become the 'dumpee' now???? It is not outrageous to only want sex with one person at a time. Free for all and stick it where ever is not my thing. Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I don't want to blame you. Getting to know someone is what dating is. Being in a relationship is not dating it's being in an exclusive relationship. Girls always forget that the former. Dating is NOT a relationship! Don't be hard on yourself..**** happens..and we learn :/ Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 Ok you were having sex him??? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I see the OP's point. I mean, I understand the difference between dating and a relationship, but if I'm "dating" someone who I really like (which I'd have to be to stick with them for three months), I'm not looking to hookup with anyone else. I think after three months it's not too much to ask for the person you are dating to be respectful of that. 3-4 dates leaves wiggle room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 Ok you were having sex him??? yes...we were having sex often!...lol. AND as to your reply about 'drama', when I met him he was still living with his EX!!! I delt with that 'drama' and a few more incidences of drama. He did move out from what he told me and what I've heard from family, but I delt with alot more drama from him than the ONE drama incident he had to deal with. At least my drama was valid I think...lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 For the record, it was 4 months..not 3...lol Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 ok so you were having sex with someone you barely knew, so logic would tell you he was ok having sex with someone he barely knew.. which means sex is not a meaningful demonstration of commitment and love. sex is not indicative of deep relationship. the whole thing started off really bad, thank your lucky stars its over. It would have been a hellish realtionship. sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 the point is, that he did something that crossed your bounderies, which is why u dumped him. all the DUMPEES ranting about DUMPERS on here were dumped WITHOUT crossing any bounderies. they were left for another person for seemingly no reason at all. or some of them got needy/insecure, etc. point is, it's a different situation IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 ok so you were having sex with someone you barely knew, so logic would tell you he was ok having sex with someone he barely knew.. REALLY???? Let me ask you this....How long are you supposed to wait before sex??? I don't know ANYONE that would not be having sex after 4 months in a relationship, or dating, or whatever you want to call it. Well, unless they are waiting for a husband and my expectations are a little more realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 ok so you were having sex with someone you barely knew, so logic would tell you he was ok having sex with someone he barely knew.. REALLY???? Let me ask you this....How long are you supposed to wait before sex??? I don't know ANYONE that would not be having sex after 4 months in a relationship, or dating, or whatever you want to call it. Well, unless they are waiting for a husband and my expectations are a little more realistic. I think you are being trolled a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 i could never be exclusive to soemone ive only hung out with 3-4 times. I want to get to know lots of people.. i want to see who can stand me so-to- speak. In 3-4 dates im still agreeable and sweet to fault and i think most people are.. its takes 3month or so to see real colours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 the point is, that he did something that crossed your bounderies, which is why u dumped him. all the DUMPEES ranting about DUMPERS on here were dumped WITHOUT crossing any bounderies. they were left for another person for seemingly no reason at all. or some of them got needy/insecure, etc. point is, it's a different situation IMO. You are absolutely right!!! That is a boundery I am NEVER willing to cross...only thing is some people think I was out of line having that boundry without havign the 'exclusive' talk...BUT we HAD had coversations about being with other people early on. Now I don't know if it was my fault or his, or WHAT THE HELL happened. We had an awesome relationship and connection when we WERE together. and just 'poof' now it's over. really don't understand this one at ALL. if we had the 'problems' most people have, and I've had in the past, I would understand. This one threw me for a loop! Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 i could never be exclusive to soemone ive only hung out with 3-4 times. I want to get to know lots of people.. i want to see who can stand me so-to- speak. In 3-4 dates im still agreeable and sweet to fault and i think most people are.. its takes 3month or so to see real colours. Who said 3-4 dates???...lol. It was 4 months and I can't even count the times we spent together. it was ALOT in those 4 months. sorry if I wrote it wrong and gave you that impression. AND as I said, it got more and more intense along the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 You are absolutely right!!! That is a boundery I am NEVER willing to cross...only thing is some people think I was out of line having that boundry without havign the 'exclusive' talk...BUT we HAD had coversations about being with other people early on. Now I don't know if it was my fault or his, or WHAT THE HELL happened. We had an awesome relationship and connection when we WERE together. and just 'poof' now it's over. really don't understand this one at ALL. if we had the 'problems' most people have, and I've had in the past, I would understand. This one threw me for a loop! well, you're NOT wrong for having that boundery. NEVER let someone else tell you what YOUR boundery should be. some girls/guys will even forgive cheaters, and take them back fairly easily. point is, your bounderies are yours. the problem was your lack of communication. in the future, when YOU feel that your partner shouldn't be having sex with any other women, is when u should talk about it. not in a possessive way though obviously. maybe something like 'i'm starting to develop feelings for you, and if you're seeing any other women at this time, i'm afraid i can't continue this further'. or something like that. if he runs, he probably wasn't worth it, and just looking for tail. if he really likes u, i'm sure he could comply with that and drop other women to try things with you. u guys weren't on the same page, so if u never had any talks like that, he wasn't necessarily wrong. guys CAN have meaningless sex with girls they don't want to date. having said that, he still might not have been all that interested in you. esp if he's letting u walk away. no guy who really cares/loves a girl and wants to be with her, will let her walk without a fight if he's leaving her b/c of something he did to hurt her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 well.. i for one prefer to wait for sex. call me old fashioned but sex is something special and i want to share it with someone special. I feel that not having sex with people helps me see them clearly and i also feel that i become more confident when i feel i can trust someone and when they can respect me. To me affection is something that i cherish and dont indulge in with whomever. I have many no so great experiences. I feel my emotional and mental health are too vunerable to put up with putting up. to each their own.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I see the OP's point. I mean, I understand the difference between dating and a relationship, but if I'm "dating" someone who I really like (which I'd have to be to stick with them for three months), I'm not looking to hookup with anyone else. I think after three months it's not too much to ask for the person you are dating to be respectful of that. 3-4 dates leaves wiggle room. Who said 3-4 dates???...lol. It was 4 months and I can't even count the times we spent together. it was ALOT in those 4 months. sorry if I wrote it wrong and gave you that impression. AND as I said, it got more and more intense along the way. Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 hun, 3-4 months is nothing Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 the problem was your lack of communication. in the future, when YOU feel that your partner shouldn't be having sex with any other women, is when u should talk about it. not in a possessive way though obviously. maybe something like 'i'm starting to develop feelings for you, and if you're seeing any other women at this time, i'm afraid i can't continue this further'. or something like that. if he runs, he probably wasn't worth it, and just looking for tail. if he really likes u, i'm sure he could comply with that and drop other women to try things with you. u guys weren't on the same page, so if u never had any talks like that, he wasn't necessarily wrong. guys CAN have meaningless sex with girls they don't want to date. having said that, he still might not have been all that interested in you. esp if he's letting u walk away. no guy who really cares/loves a girl and wants to be with her, will let her walk without a fight if he's leaving her b/c of something he did to hurt her. PRECISELY...AND ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! Lesson learned about having that talk, but I felt I would be pushing too soon if I had that 'exclusive' talk too early on...that's why I waited. Just like Kae said, it's ludicrous to expect something too soon. I guess I just waited too late. Well, you are right about the not being into me. That's where I have the question of 'lies'. He must have lied to me about all he said before the 'dumping' if he walked away so easy. Funny thing is he was very remorseful about it at the time and pushed and pushed about how I felt for him and what I wanted. When I told him I was falling (deeply) he said he felt the same way. so it must have been lies for him to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 Kae, that wasn't her, that was me. Assuming you aren't trolling (I'm pretty sure you are, you need to be more subtle), I didn't say she only went on 3-4 dates. I just meant that 3-4 dates is different as far as exclusivity than 3-4 months, which is the amount of time the OP said she was seeing the guy she dumped. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author songbird70 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 hun, 3-4 months is nothing no it isnt...but it is certainly more than 3-4 dates....LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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