NavyAirTraffic Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 Navy air traffic...i thought of your story late last nite as i was up floundering in bed picking apart my situation...what happened, what went wrong, what did i do and working on a reachout email. then it hit me...your situation and mine are very similar. got tossed away at the HEIGHT of the honeymoon phase with little or no explanation. am i correct in saying that you just found out yesterday it was b/c she met someone else but didnt tell you that initially? for me it's like trying to solve an enigma wrapped in a riddle. i've been told by other females my age...ones that are dating...once they go from hot too cold in a short period of time it's usually b/c they met someone else.....an thats what i need to tell myself...so i can keep up the NC. Well she did tell me she met someone else yesterday, I don't know if she left me for someone else or was with someone else before she left. The key is "the why doesn't matter"!! It simply doesn't. I read a book by Dan Dennick that talked about this. Pick one reason and let it sink in. I remember crying on my bed and focusing on her not coming back, not "what I did" or "what I could change". Really pushing myself that it was over. I forced myself to picture her with sexually with other people. I MADE IT HURT BAD. I pictured her in great detail with made up men, by the end of my grieving period the thought of her with someone else simply didn't hurt as much. Fast forward to yesterday, I got the "I'm banging someone else text". Well my mind had already been through those emotions. I was really surprised at how little I reacted to it. As I said before, it was more a sense of relief now that I could truly begin letting go. Your ex will now/or at one point have sex with someone else!!! Get that in your head now. It's an ugly thought thinking of the one you love giving themselves to someone else but it is a necessary step. When/if they come back you might not get jealous, you might not snoop. I believe this will give you an advantage in making the "second go at it" work. Here is a video from Dan. Link to post Share on other sites
1slobalt12 Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 2 year relationship BU about 3 months ago NC about 1 month I texted her a month ago for my own personal benefit, saying we both said some things in our last conversation/arguement and i was apologizing on my own behalf and that i hope whoever she is with now makes her happier then i ever did. Her response "Thanks". Didnt even need a response just made me feel better that i apologizied for my last actions. Since then i have been doing pretty well sometimes i think of her and also of her with the new boyfriend but it doesnt bother me as much as i thought it would most likely because this isnt the first time she broke up with me. Keeping busy and active is deffinantly the biggest part of my healing process. Starting crossfit on saturday and have a feeling that will get me over the last hump. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) I wish you luck and think you have hope. It seems from your story that both of you are willing to work at it, that's a promising recipe. Well, it's 2 days til the phone call. I don't think I'm going to rush into it. I'm going to acknowledge the great years we've spent together and say that what we are doing now is a disservice to the years we loved before the problems arose. I'm going to tell her that I believe we are on the same side - that we both learned a lot about ourselves and each other since the BU, and that I agree with the breakup for those reasons. I'm going to say that I can see a future with her once we fix our issues, and that I'm willing to work on them together and face our problems head on instead of running from them. We both have some improving to do, and I'm in no rush to get into a relationship with someone who has trouble communicating so we will see what happens. All I can do is set the stage and see how it plays out. Edited October 19, 2012 by dreamstate83 Link to post Share on other sites
phuongnn Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 This is a good idea. I want to go no contact because I want to give myself time to heal and move on. That man used me financially until he got what he wanted and he raped me (many times). I know I'm better than that. But today I'm not holding myself strong. We broke up in May but still had sex until August. I had a miscarriage with him (I was not planning to trap him or anything, I was told I was infertile and we never had protected sex). When I was in hospital totally alone in a foreign country (I left home to stay here with him) I was too desperate and called him. The man I had to work so hard for him to finish university and to travel overseas was too busy f* other girls so he could not lend me a hand. I don't blame him for that because it is over. But now I'm in tremendous pain of losing my bub and all I want is snuggle up with him, some love and care and a strong arm to rest on. Help me! I desperately want to call my ex when I really should not. How am I gonna hold myself strong now? Link to post Share on other sites
Twixis Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 2 year relationship Broke up a week ago, haven't spoken to her in 5 days. I miss her in some ways, but what I miss more is that bond with somebody, you know...to tell about your day, say good morning and goodnight to and it actually mean something. What makes it worse is that shes starting to get very close to this friend of hers, I always see them together. I'm worried she has already replaced me and the bond we have already, or whether she is just with him a lot for comfort and someone to talk to. As she didn't have much interest in talking to him before we broke up, a little bit...but not much... Link to post Share on other sites
a.b Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 2 weeks without contact, doing much better today. Really feel like I turned a corner last night, realised some home truths about myself and how I am in a relationship, and how I can improve myself. Still no excuse for what she did or how she treated me but I'm past the worst I think. I have dealt with this break up so much better then last time and gone through the proper stages I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 This is a good idea. I want to go no contact because I want to give myself time to heal and move on. That man used me financially until he got what he wanted and he raped me (many times). I know I'm better than that. But today I'm not holding myself strong. We broke up in May but still had sex until August. I had a miscarriage with him (I was not planning to trap him or anything, I was told I was infertile and we never had protected sex). When I was in hospital totally alone in a foreign country (I left home to stay here with him) I was too desperate and called him. The man I had to work so hard for him to finish university and to travel overseas was too busy f* other girls so he could not lend me a hand. I don't blame him for that because it is over. But now I'm in tremendous pain of losing my bub and all I want is snuggle up with him, some love and care and a strong arm to rest on. Help me! I desperately want to call my ex when I really should not. How am I gonna hold myself strong now? Just gotta realize that no good can come from contacting them. Everyone relapses, but just got know it's better not to. It's been 3 months here and i'm only at 3 weeks since messaging her. The longest i've went is a month, so I know how it feels to give in. Link to post Share on other sites
coltsfan1 Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 4 year relationship, haven't spoken in 2 years. Neither my EX nor myself are in NC any longer, we just aren't part of each others lives. At some point everyone here will transition for NC to not talking just being normal everyday life. Those of us further a longer in life will go back to how life was before we met our EX. Link to post Share on other sites
thembones Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I feel like I am about to break. Been 1 1/2 months NC, but I may have had a change in the way I am thinking. I feel that I should contact her now, because I could never forgive myself if I did not try. What if she says (after 1 year or so at a random meeting) that she cared about me, but I should have done something sooner - and that she is with someone else. I do not know what to do. I just want to try again. Link to post Share on other sites
SoConfusedAndInShock Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 TOGETHER: 2 years BU: 4 months ago NC: 4 months (NC was initiated a week after BU) He ended the relationship. NO BREADCRUMBS. NO MESS UPS. NOTHING! Not even once. He just fell off the face of the earth... im doing my best to keep it together day by day and work on myself in the meantime (no matter how hard and painful NC has been.) One thing I've learned throughout this process is that, no matter how hard you try you can never change certain situations. When one wants out, they're OUT! No amount tears, pleading, begging, prayers, bending over backwards, pretending that you've changed, trying to be the dumpees "friend" is going to increase the chances of you two getting back together. Yes i admit that there are times where i get so emotional and so overwhelmed about the past, but that's just part of this "DEXOT" process i guess. When it comes to NC right after a BU, i can only say one thing and that's cold turkey in an understatement. Good Luck to everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I feel like I am about to break. Been 1 1/2 months NC, but I may have had a change in the way I am thinking. I feel that I should contact her now, because I could never forgive myself if I did not try. What if she says (after 1 year or so at a random meeting) that she cared about me, but I should have done something sooner - and that she is with someone else. I do not know what to do. I just want to try again. It's really tough to say if it's a good idea. That was my first though after the BU, so I did reach out and in the end it didn't work. A lot depends on the BU, and why it happened. You do have to realize they ended things for a reason, and the chance they want to get back together especially so soon is low. A lot of people will give you the phrase "They dumped you, if they wanted to be with you they would". Link to post Share on other sites
SoConfusedAndInShock Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 Meant to say..... Detox *** lol Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I feel like I am about to break. Been 1 1/2 months NC, but I may have had a change in the way I am thinking. I feel that I should contact her now, because I could never forgive myself if I did not try. What if she says (after 1 year or so at a random meeting) that she cared about me, but I should have done something sooner - and that she is with someone else. I do not know what to do. I just want to try again. Did she leave you? If so, she already knows you want her. I think there is no problem with contacting them. 1% chance it works, you get your love back. 99% chance you get hurt again, gain a better realization that it's over, and it could help you move on. I broke NC, I'm in the 99%, but I have a higher resolve now for never doing it again. What if she says a year later "If you hadn't contacted me for 1 more month I would've come back to you"? Just playing devils advocate. Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 Well she did tell me she met someone else yesterday, I don't know if she left me for someone else or was with someone else before she left. The key is "the why doesn't matter"!! It simply doesn't. I read a book by Dan Dennick that talked about this. Pick one reason and let it sink in. I remember crying on my bed and focusing on her not coming back, not "what I did" or "what I could change". Really pushing myself that it was over. I forced myself to picture her with sexually with other people. I MADE IT HURT BAD. I pictured her in great detail with made up men, by the end of my grieving period the thought of her with someone else simply didn't hurt as much. Fast forward to yesterday, I got the "I'm banging someone else text". Well my mind had already been through those emotions. I was really surprised at how little I reacted to it. As I said before, it was more a sense of relief now that I could truly begin letting go. Your ex will now/or at one point have sex with someone else!!! Get that in your head now. It's an ugly thought thinking of the one you love giving themselves to someone else but it is a necessary step. When/if they come back you might not get jealous, you might not snoop. I believe this will give you an advantage in making the "second go at it" work. Here is a video from Dan. this makes so much sense Link to post Share on other sites
sendme Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 This is a good idea. I want to go no contact because I want to give myself time to heal and move on. That man used me financially until he got what he wanted and he raped me (many times). I know I'm better than that. But today I'm not holding myself strong. We broke up in May but still had sex until August. I had a miscarriage with him (I was not planning to trap him or anything, I was told I was infertile and we never had protected sex). When I was in hospital totally alone in a foreign country (I left home to stay here with him) I was too desperate and called him. The man I had to work so hard for him to finish university and to travel overseas was too busy f* other girls so he could not lend me a hand. I don't blame him for that because it is over. But now I'm in tremendous pain of losing my bub and all I want is snuggle up with him, some love and care and a strong arm to rest on. Help me! I desperately want to call my ex when I really should not. How am I gonna hold myself strong now? Girl I feel you... you have no idea how similar our stories are... I just keep reminding myself that although that strong arm was comforting sometimes... far more often it was the source of all of my torment and heartbreak... I remind myself of the most recent heartbreak in which I did nothing but lay on my couch and stare at the ceiling and cry for four days... I remind myself that although I might love him and see him for the great man he could CHOOSE to be... in reality he chooses to be a weak little monster and I deserve better... and so do you... don't call him... come here... post on here often... you'll find support... and you'll get through it... Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 this makes so much sense I maybe sense sarcasm but it really has worked. During my slow hours (last couple of days, especially at night) I think of what she's doing. Then I think of who she's doing. Thinking about it now is kind of an afterthought. The "fantasy" of her sexually with someone else is the same as it was day 1, even though she's actually with someone now. It can't get more real, and it doesn't make me queasy like it did. Link to post Share on other sites
sendme Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I'm a man, I have needs, I can't deny that. This time around I wasn't as attached, it wasn't bliss, she left and I just started my day. I have no urge to call her, I have no intent on taking her back. Taking her back is a possibility but I'm not doing the work, I didn't break our relationship. I think what I have been doing is working, so no I won't revise it. I believe I'm losing the emotional attachment to her. Isn't that what we all talk about!?! "Fix yourself so when/if they come back you can make the correct decisions and not react based on emotion". I felt clear last night, I thought before I spoke, I thought from a position of "want" and not "need". Time will tell, and I'll keep you guys updated. WAIT you saw her and slept with her last night.... how did I miss this... NAVY you were my one to be strong with... how are you feeling... Link to post Share on other sites
thembones Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 Did she leave you? If so, she already knows you want her. I think there is no problem with contacting them. 1% chance it works, you get your love back. 99% chance you get hurt again, gain a better realization that it's over, and it could help you move on. I broke NC, I'm in the 99%, but I have a higher resolve now for never doing it again. What if she says a year later "If you hadn't contacted me for 1 more month I would've come back to you"? Just playing devils advocate. I did not mean to drive off topic, but thanks for your response. How can I really tell that she knows? She texted me some stupid story and I ignored it, which was about 5 days ago. I know she probably knows, but I gotta tell myself something. I was SO SURE she was going to text me today, being stupid sweetests' day and close to our "would-be" anniversary. What a bull**** day to begin with. I *think* I would be different, but I think I would end up in the 99% and just feel worse. It's hard because she might be spending the night with someone else, which means I already lost her. I appreciate the devil's advocacy. And yeah It is true :\ Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 WAIT you saw her and slept with her last night.... how did I miss this... NAVY you were my one to be strong with... how are you feeling... I was actually Monday night going, then the "with someone else" text on Tuesday (3 hours after she left). I'm sorry for disappointing you, I thought I got the "I want you back" text when she said she missed me and wanted to see me. Was all breadcrumbs. I'm actually really good. It was almost a relief when she texted me, the last bit of hope just died, the crazy roller coaster ride was finally over. I'm good overall. Not the ideal ending us dumpees want, but what choice do I have? I wasn't going to pursue someone that didn't want to be with me, I'm def not going to entertain my ex who is now with someone else. It's helped me let go of her a lot more. Funny thing is she started her new relationship cheating on him with me..... I take a certain amount of pride in that. Is that wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
sendme Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 I was actually Monday night going, then the "with someone else" text on Tuesday (3 hours after she left). I'm sorry for disappointing you, I thought I got the "I want you back" text when she said she missed me and wanted to see me. Was all breadcrumbs. I'm actually really good. It was almost a relief when she texted me, the last bit of hope just died, the crazy roller coaster ride was finally over. I'm good overall. Not the ideal ending us dumpees want, but what choice do I have? I wasn't going to pursue someone that didn't want to be with me, I'm def not going to entertain my ex who is now with someone else. It's helped me let go of her a lot more. Funny thing is she started her new relationship cheating on him with me..... I take a certain amount of pride in that. Is that wrong? awwww... you didn't disappoint me... not at all... and I totally understand why you'd take pride in that to a point... I'm glad that was the thing that helped you end it... farewell ***** do that for some people... I've never done it, but I know it helps some people get over it... I guess I was just surprised... you seemed so sure and strong... but that's a huge difference between men and women, I think men can remove emotions from sex much easier than us women can.... Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 awwww... you didn't disappoint me... not at all... and I totally understand why you'd take pride in that to a point... I'm glad that was the thing that helped you end it... farewell ***** do that for some people... I've never done it, but I know it helps some people get over it... I guess I was just surprised... you seemed so sure and strong... but that's a huge difference between men and women, I think men can remove emotions from sex much easier than us women can.... It wasn't a farewell f#ck for me! I thought she was coming back, she has always told me I'm an amazing man and that night wasn't any different. That text the next day was not what I was expecting. it's the work that I have done/continue to do that has helped me. Unlike your situation where he lives right down the street from you, it is easier for me. I don't have to see her everyday, nothing in my life reminds me of her really. I've rearranged my place, I revisited our last date sites by myself, I've thrown away everything, I've put work in. I just want people to learn from my mistakes now. I couldn't listen to my own advice, maybe someone will. Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 Sucks you got it like that, but if you're fine now it's probably better. I'm not sure what changed for me, I still kinda miss her sometimes but I am completely over caring what she thinks or what she wants. I have absolutely convinced myself I will never contact her again. I was thinking for a while of sending her a message because of how she handled a lot of things but I couldn't even be bothered to do that. I'd rather just forget she even exists. I'm sure there will come a day we'll talk being neighbors and all but my view is f**k it, if she wants to be in my life in anyway again she's going to have to make the effort, she f**ked up, not me. Link to post Share on other sites
NewUser222 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 6 year relationship Broke up: 07/03/12 still working on going NC made it a couple weeks until her birthday this past week, cant seem to not send her messages Her last message to me: 10/1/12 via message through facebook to my sister saying she still just needs space.. Wtf 4th month in my own personal hell Link to post Share on other sites
whatheheckhappened Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 18 days and goin on NC. last thurs was really hard...it was the 2 week/14 day of NC...and my buddy set me up on a blind date...the date was in the same town as the one who dumped me. My dumper lives in a popular metro city and i like in a suburb 30 minutes north. so...like Navy...i visited some of the places we went out and thought about goin to b4 my blind date. however, the worst was....i went back to my blind date's place afterward...and she literally lived 50 yards from dumpee. what are the chances?? very difficult...however, i made sure i looked at my dumpee's place etc...made the sting sink in further! Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 18 days and goin on NC. last thurs was really hard...it was the 2 week/14 day of NC...and my buddy set me up on a blind date...the date was in the same town as the one who dumped me. My dumper lives in a popular metro city and i like in a suburb 30 minutes north. so...like Navy...i visited some of the places we went out and thought about goin to b4 my blind date. however, the worst was....i went back to my blind date's place afterward...and she literally lived 50 yards from dumpee. what are the chances?? very difficult...however, i made sure i looked at my dumpee's place etc...made the sting sink in further! You're doing good. Those feelings (seeing her place, visiting places that you frequented as "couple you") tend to fade very slowly over time, but if you attack it head on it really speeds up the process. You become desensitized to it. Bad analogy: its the same thing as a soldier in Iraq/Afghanistan. The first time they kill someone/see a dead body it is a traumatic experience. Over time the significance of the event doesn't change, but the psychological effect is almost non-existent. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts