Should the man leave home before divorce

[boseafish]

Married 21 years to a fantastic woman who is the mother of my 2 children. She informed me a few months ago that she believed she could no longer make me happy. After some counselling and self discovery, she now has no spousal feelings for me. She refuses to say "I love you", kiss me or have any physical contact. She doesn't want me to have "false hopes" by those actions. There have been no abuse, infidelity, or drug/alcohol issues.

 

The question I have is should I fullfill her request to leave the house and move into an apartment nearby. She suggests that she needs a break and maybe time and distance will allow her to forgive me for being an inadequate husband.

 

I have worked rotating 12 hour shiftwork for the majority of the marriage and provide 99% of the financial support for the household. She has had a few fullfilling but low paying jobs. She is currently interviewing for a job that has benifits.

 

That is my first post. Just found this site today and I am sorry I took so long to find it. Lots of good insight. The 180 thing would have helped me over the past couple of months. I was a basket case but am now on my way to recovery.

[CarrieT]

Absolutely do not leave the family home.

 

She is calling it quits on the relationship - the onus is on her to find a new place if she wants out.

[boseafish]

That is what I am finding to be the prevailing opinion. The only good reason is that me not being around will allow her to really feel what separation/divorce would be like. However, since I have been working rotating shiftwork, she has learned how to survive quite well without me here. Moving out (in my mind) will just eliminate any possibility of showing her that I changed and I am worthy of keeping around.

[mammasita]

Are your children grown and out of the house?

 

If they are than make her a55 leave.

[Cedarman]

You can read my thread for some advice. You are exactly where I was a few years ago. 2.5 years ago, when I started posting my situation here it had deteriorated - you can read all the dirty details.

 

Hope you will do better than me, and that you won't wasted time trying to save the marriage by yourself. It takes two people to commit to saving a marriage.

 

Having said that - If the kids are old enough and if you are splitting, I would recommend that you insist that your wife move out of the home so that she can find herself. I wish I had done that sooner.

[boseafish]

Kids are well adjusted 15 yo girl and 11 yo boy.

[riverratt]

She suggests that she needs a break and maybe time and distance will allow her to forgive me for being an inadequate husband.

 

She said you were an inadequate husband? By what standards?

[Gunny376]

Absolutely DO NOT MOVE OUT! She's 'gaslighting' and setting you up!

[MonsterMash]

I'd have my attorney draw up papers to have her evicted. She wants to find herself? Let her go find herself.

 

 

Besides, its a little too convenient for her to be totally unhappy with you...but wants to stay in the house that holds all of her unhappiness.

 

Shes setting you up.

[standtall]

 

She suggests that she needs a break and maybe time and distance will allow her to forgive me for being an inadequate husband.

 

I have worked rotating 12 hour shiftwork for the majority of the marriage and provide 99% of the financial support for the household.

 

Are you joking? It sounds like she has taken your pride and self esteem in this marriage. Grow a pair, and tell her that if she wants out, then she can leave. End of story.

[boseafish]

My wife is a great woman. I am confident she is not setting me up. Stranger things have happened but I have known this woman for almost 30 years. We come from a small town where everyone knows everyone. She IS a great woman who happens to have fallen out of love with her husband. Her "moral compass" won't allow her to stay in the marriage with a man who deserves to be loved. I don't understand it but it is now my reality.

 

I have grown a set... It took a few weeks/months of crying and grovelling but now I am looking out for me. My goal is to remain a family man that remains married to this woman who eventually falls back in love with me. I have already lost 52 pounds, became a better father/husband, and became a better person all around. Remaining in the same house will give her the opportunity to see what she is walking away from. I already told her that the guy she WAS married to is gone. She needs to meet this new guy and see what she thinks.

 

Thanks for the feedback so far.

[worldgonewrong]

Watch your back.

 

99% of the time, every guy who says 'my wonderful wife simply fallen out of love with me, and I need to prove myself to her' eventually discovers their wife isn't so wonderful at all & that the guy isn't the one who has anything to prove since he's loyal.

[mark982]

just see how well she's adjusted, when you quit depositing your paycheck into the family acct and she sees her freeloading days are over. time to man up---before she SETS you up.

[jf2good]

NO Don't move out. From the experts, guess what #1 is on the list..

 

The 10 no-nos

 

Here's a snapshot of the advice readers will find in lawyer Joseph Cordell's "The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce."

 

Here's a snapshot of mistakes men often make, from attorney Joseph Cordell's book:

 

1. Moving out before divorce proceedings begin. "In custody contests, the continued daily interaction with your children and intimate awareness of the details of their day is key."

 

2. Choosing the wrong lawyer. "It's reasonable to ask lawyers how many divorces they have tried."

 

3. Waiting for your wife to file. "Judges, even after all their legal training and experience, are still prone to give a lot of weight to the story they hear first."

 

4. Concealing information. "Your lawyer needs to know anything and everything your wife might say about you to hurt you or your case."

 

5. Neglecting the children. "Part of your duty during divorce proceedings, and well after the ink has dried on the divorce decree, is to protect both parents' relationships with the kids."

 

6. Doing a sloppy job on financial records. Sloppy financial reporting, Cordell writes, can hurt your credibility during the divorce proceedings.

 

7. Talking too much, especially to your wife. "Avoid talking to other people, too, especially family and friends, and in-laws most of all."

 

8. Revealing too much on the Internet. "The Web is the worst place to keep a secret. And anything can be subject to misinterpretation."

 

9. Failing to fully engage in your case. "Listen to your attorney, and ask questions if you don't understand anything."

 

10. Being ill-prepared. "Don't avoid preparing to testify or be interviewed just because you're nervous or uncomfortable or don't want to think about it."

[seibert253]

Since no one asked I will.

Have you done some investigating to insure your W

isn't involved in an A?

 

Don't assume that since she's been faithful in the past, she remains that way.

[boseafish]

I am fairly confident that there is no A going on. I trust her but take every opportunity to verify what I hear. My eyes and ears are wide open looking for anything suspicious.

 

Here is an update. We decided to get a one bedroom apt. close by that will be in both of our names. Neither one of us is moving out. We wil use the apt. as an escape when she or I feel the need to get away for a while. I made it clear that I was not moving out. We would share the apt.

 

I fully intend to stay involved with the kids and maintain a presence in the home as much as possible. We still have an open communication line and are not fighting.

[worldgonewrong]

I am fairly confident that there is no A going on. I trust her but take every opportunity to verify what I hear. My eyes and ears are wide open looking for anything suspicious.

 

Here is an update. We decided to get a one bedroom apt. close by that will be in both of our names. Neither one of us is moving out. We will use the apt. as an escape when she or I feel the need to get away for a while. I made it clear that I was not moving out. We would share the apt.

 

I fully intend to stay involved with the kids and maintain a presence in the home as much as possible. We still have an open communication line and are not fighting.

 

Er...this apartment thing...I feel you've unwittingly just given her a golden ticket if there actually IS an affair going on.

 

I don't want to freak you out, but 99% of guys here (arbitrary percentage, ha!) who thought their wives were not having an affair eventually found out otherwise. Despite having your antennae up, let me tell you, nobody is craftier (in the short term) than a wife having an affair. It's because your internal loyalty shields you from seeing the deceit - the brain can't match up the cognitive dissonance of 'person you knew' vs. 'person who is so wildly different now'.

 

That said, I genuinely PRAY that you're right. It's an unimaginable pain to live through, and I don't want to see you suffer.

[beatcuff]

you need to consult an atty ASAP. jf2good is correct moving out prior to being ordered out by LE will greatly damage you in a separation. do not spend a single night in that apt - same reason.

 

while recon may/can be your goal not having knowledge about the 'other avenues' is very shortsighted.

[boseafish]

Appreciate all of the advice given so far. Here is an update:

 

She is moving out during the separation. She is getting a local apt. that will be big enough for the kids too if they want to join her.

 

As far as the cause of her leaving, it boils down to this and only this: She has fallen out of love with me and she refuses to be in marriage where she cannot provide her spouse with what he needs the most, a loving wife. WE neglected our marriage for 21 years and drifted apart. Finally, I was a less than decent husband. I wasn't the worst, by far, but I did not make it easy for her. Luckily she was codependent as that is what allowed us to stay together this long.

 

I am 100% confident that there is nothing else to this saga.

[Kelemvor]

You sound like a good man, but if there is one thing I've learned... it's to prepare for a worst case scenario. You have entailed that you were the primary bread winner for this marriage. She will soon learn, being out on her own, and earning her lower income salary, just how accustomed she was to your combined incomes. When she asks for divorce, and she will... Your head will spin from some of the nasty things she'll say and do to get as much financial support and alimony as she can. You have been married long enough for her to receive permanent alimony unless you can prove she had an affair or you have grounds for divorce (or she marries again..), depending on your state. I would save up and prepare for a potentially costly legal battle. I would do as much searching and driving by her apt at night to see if she appears to be alone, etc.. as you can as all of this information will be vital during your divorce process. I do not think she should remove the children from the house unless you both intend for them to stay at both places. You are doing the absolute right thing in making her move out. This way... it's her moving out and taking the kids so to speak, and that will look infinitely better to a judge. You need to find a reputable lawyer asap for some advice on how to proceed. Even if you don't desire a divorce, you should be prepared for when she asks for one. Also, lawyers are worth their weight in gold. Make sure you find one who specializes in family law and divorce and not one who does "a little bit of everything".

 

Don't blame yourself. You worked your ass off on a grueling rotating schedule (very difficult on your body) in order to provide for your family. Nobody is perfect. She certainly isn't.. after all, she's the one calling it quits.

 

Good luck.