How do you know when you have fallen out of love?

[Daisy926]

I am not sure how I feel. I feel I am not in love with my husband anymore and when I talk to people this just confirms it.

 

I have tried to talk to him for over a year and I get nothing. Now we are a little and when he asks what is wrong I can't seem to express what I mean.

 

I do not want to make him feel bad or say negative things. Truth is we grew apart. We have different lives and I am now at a point that I can accept that.

 

Just wondering how others went about this horrible conversation.

 

He just asked if I love him yes or no? (text - I am on a business trip) I feel like of course I do - I always will but we have been together for 18 years (married 4) I am just not sure I am "in love" anymore. I always thought that was a cop out but I can't explain how I am feeling - I am not happy, we are not compatable.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Daisy926

[M30USA]

I understand. It happens. The only questions is whether you will stay together due to the marriage vow or not. Nobody can help you decide that.

[riverratt]

I think it is a basic state of mind. If you are down about the marriage then you may not feel it.

 

Questions you need to ask yourself is why you think you guys are not compatible. What are the issues? What is missing etc.

[Yasuandio]

I am not sure how I feel. I feel I am not in love with my husband anymore and when I talk to people this just confirms it.

 

I have tried to talk to him for over a year and I get nothing. Now we are a little and when he asks what is wrong I can't seem to express what I mean.

 

I do not want to make him feel bad or say negative things. Truth is we grew apart. We have different lives and I am now at a point that I can accept that.

 

Just wondering how others went about this horrible conversation.

 

He just asked if I love him yes or no? (text - I am on a business trip) I feel like of course I do - I always will but we have been together for 18 years (married 4) I am just not sure I am "in love" anymore. I always thought that was a cop out but I can't explain how I am feeling - I am not happy, we are not compatable.

 

I read that people can fall in love an average of four times during their lifetime. (That can mean sometimes you fall out of love for a time). It is possible for your feeling to re-ignite again, if you don't throw in the towel. Yas

[imagine]

Hollywood has it own concept of love. They say it is a feeling. Well guess what... feelings change.

 

A wife has the task of respecting the husband, no matter how idiotic we behave. Hey! the actions are taken on merit but the hubby must still be held high.

 

Hubby has the arduous task of loving his wife regardless of actions. This love is from commitment to his marital promise. A disrespectful wife puts strain on the husband and is spiritually taxing.

 

I have posted before that no-one is compatible. Both parties have to work at it. Incompatibility is a legal term that breaks a promise.

 

May I recommend that you consider reading the articles on the marriagebuilders website.

[boseafish]

As the husband on the receiving end of a woman who feels that she is not in love anymore, I would suggest that you express your concern and feelings and seek counseling or other advice to rebuild your relationship. Women's emotions are very difficult for a man to understand. I can't comprehend how my wife could fall out of love with me and use this as a reason to end the marriage. Recognize the concern and take action to rebuild the marriage.

 

When my wife told me, I immediately changed my annoying behaviors and took on a new move lovable approach to life. We had been just coasting along in the marriage and life assuming we didn't need to work at anything. We were wrong.

[PWSX3]

Like Imagine said; men & woman are different so you will never be the same or be compatible.

 

What have you done to re-connect with your H?

 

What were the things that attracted you in the beginning?

 

How often do you have a date night?

 

There are lots of good books that might help you understand how men & woman are different & might help you see things different.

[robf1971]

and when I talk to people this just confirms it.

.

 

How do you mean?

[GuyInLimbo]

People are throwing around a lot of platitudes, but I don't think offers much help.

 

Here's my input.

Do you struggle over what to write in your anniversary card or birthday card to your spouse?

 

Are you happier when he/she is NOT around?

 

Do you miss the other person when they're gone on a business trip or vice-versa?

 

If you didn't have kids, would you have left the relationship years ago?

 

Does your body language in your spouse's presence indicate depression (i.e. slouching, no smiling?)

 

When you go out to dinner or on a trip together, do you want to be with them at that time? Is there constant and fulfilling conversation?

 

Is conversing with your spouse a struggle most of the time?

 

Answer those questions. If the answers are: yes, yes, no, yes, yes, no, yes, then it's a pretty good indication you aren't in love with this person.

 

Two notes: I did NOT stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night and I am not a counselor.

[Soxfaninfl]

As the husband on the receiving end of a woman who feels that she is not in love anymore, I would suggest that you express your concern and feelings and seek counseling or other advice to rebuild your relationship. Women's emotions are very difficult for a man to understand. I can't comprehend how my wife could fall out of love with me and use this as a reason to end the marriage. Recognize the concern and take action to rebuild the marriage.

 

When my wife told me, I immediately changed my annoying behaviors and took on a new move lovable approach to life. We had been just coasting along in the marriage and life assuming we didn't need to work at anything. We were wrong.

 

I heard those fateful words too. It is horrible to hear those words from a person you love. I hope I never hear them again.

[Feelin Frisky]

I have experienced when there was a way she behaved that told me more than I could figure out in an instant but the bottom line was I felt I had just found out i was completely wrong about this person. I don't have a lot of history of being in love and getting what I want. My first LTR lasted five years through my mid 20's and truth is I was never "in love" with her. We just "fell" into crazy lust and co-dependence. I also think there are some things that are very bad about her that I choose and chose not to think about too much because it would feel very betraying. We ended without rancor.

 

I though I was in love with the girl I proposed to at 32, but she was the one that acted in a certain way that I felt like all the air went out of the balloon in an instant. My feeling became "who ARE you?", then "what ARE you?". I could not return to the innocence of feeling the way I had about her before that. Something about her registered on parts of me I didn't know I had that just told me, uh-uh, just can't happen. But stupid and horny me tried anyway again and again until I invested too much and became a wreck.

 

If you feel that kind of estrangement where you lose trust and faith, eventually you will probably get around to contempt. And that is a way of life I'd rather die than live in. I will no stay in a relationship with someone who treats me contemptuously. Make a move when you're sure you've sorted out your feelings.

[Decisiontomake]

People are throwing around a lot of platitudes, but I don't think offers much help.

 

Here's my input.

Do you struggle over what to write in your anniversary card or birthday card to your spouse?

 

Are you happier when he/she is NOT around?

 

Do you miss the other person when they're gone on a business trip or vice-versa?

 

If you didn't have kids, would you have left the relationship years ago?

 

Does your body language in your spouse's presence indicate depression (i.e. slouching, no smiling?)

 

When you go out to dinner or on a trip together, do you want to be with them at that time? Is there constant and fulfilling conversation?

 

Is conversing with your spouse a struggle most of the time?

 

Answer those questions. If the answers are: yes, yes, no, yes, yes, no, yes, then it's a pretty good indication you aren't in love with this person.

 

Two notes: I did NOT stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night and I am not a counselor.

 

This is a great response - to the OP, this is a good place to start. I have read so many posts on here, from both sides of the fence regarding the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" feelings. It seems this is a common problem that can either see the demise of the marriage, or a renewed vigor to save it.

 

Can I ask how old you are? I hate the whole "mid life crisis" label BUT I do think there is some truth the "re-evaluating" we go through at certain times of our life, and sometimes our marriage is the thing we focus on when doing such re-evaluating. I know I have been guilty of that myself.

 

I've been married roughly the same amount of time as you, and I have questioned myself over and over recently about whether I am still "in love" with my husband. Sometimes we do forget to work at a relationship and we fall into the humdrum existence which seems to really squish the feelings of being in love.

 

I hope you post again with some answers to the questions I and others have posed. This is a great place for you to start trying to understand, and work through how you're feeling.

[Owl]

Daisy...it's interesting to note your previous thread about your emotional affair with this one, simply because of the "cliche" that is so apparent in it.

 

It's axiomatic around here that when a woman tells her H that she "Loves him but is not in love with him" what we call the "LHBINILWH speech"...it nearly always means that she is cheating on him, at least emotionally if not physically.

 

How you are feeling is completely normal and typical of someone trying to maintain TWO intimate relationships at the same time.

 

Here's your answer...the relationship that will grow, that will thrive...is the one that you CHOOSE TO FEED.

 

Right now...you're choosing the "other" relationship. And so it grows, while your marriage starves and shrinks.

 

How do you know? You make a CHOICE. And you INVEST in whichever relationship you choose.

 

Choose the OM, and let your H know that you're filing for divorce.

 

Or, choose the marriage, tell OM it's over, and start rebuilding your marriage by informing your H of the emotional affair and start taking actions to reconcile/rebuild your marriage from this damage.

 

It's up to you.

 

It starts with a CHOICE.

[Daisy926]

Thanks for all the responses. My answers are what you say Guyinlimbo

and Owl I know I posted of OM but in all honesty this goes back wayyyyy before that. I am not saying the OM is ok AT ALL but its not what people think. I have backed off A LOT and we hardly talk. I look at it as a friendship I cannot have right now and I am ok with that. It was never about being with anyone else.

 

I finally discussed it with my mom and she told me you are not in love. She can tell. She also admitted she never felt we were right but I never wanted to hear it. There is a lot of truth to that - not just my mom practically everyone I know.

 

I started trying to talk to him again even though he has ignored it over a year already. He keeps asking what he needs to do and that I should have thought of this before we married now its too late.

 

Im 34. I have never felt special by him, even tonight it got into a fight about my weight. I feel that I have evolved and he is still the emotionally unable to connect person.

 

He is ok with being broke, getting by, smoking weed and just being steady. I am not. I feel (and have always known) we come from different backgrounds. He says we need to do more that we used to go out to eat and the movies. Sure we ate out - god forbid I try to have a conversation.

 

Is it so wrong to want someone to experience things with. Who I can learn from and can show things I like and vice versa. Someone who can plan a trip, someone who can hang with my dad talk sports and have a beer, have dinner with friends and laughs. I do not and never had any of that with my husband. He has no relationship with my dad or my closest friends. I am always the girl that goes to events alone and makes excuses.

 

I feel we started when I was so young and he used to say he cant fall in love. I feel I was so happy with catching him that when he tried to break up with me numerous times I kept going back. I never imagined leaving him.

 

Truth is and I HATE to say this, I KNOW I would be better off without him. I have done everything - been the provider almost 100%, pay all the bills, make all the decisions. I feel I am independent but I want a partner not someone to take care of.

 

I care for him deeply to the point I feel I won't leave because I don't want to hurt him and am scared he has nothing. I know this is a problem that I care about him more than myself. I do not want to hurt him and feel awful that I am just realizing this all now - actually I have thought of it for years just now realizing I do not want the rest of my life like this.

 

Hope I answered some questions. I do want to stress I have never nor would I ever go into a physical affair. The EA mentioned started over a year ago online - met once for lunch. I know it is hard to believe but I have discussed my unhappiness from time to time with friends way longer than that. I remember being 20 and having doubts. I have always worried about who would care for my H which I know is wrong. The EA made me realize I can have long talks with someone, helped me reach out to therapy- it was actually helping my marriage. Again I know this is NOT OK but I need to STRESS that these feelings with my H go WAYYYY beyond just this year.

 

Thanks for listening. I have therapy tomorrow and lots have happened so hope to get some help.

[SuperGeek]

Sounds like it's time to kick his ass to the curb then. Throw yesterday's paper in the trash.

 

Oh and don't mind me, I'm just a bitter 33 yr old who got tossed away like garbage at some point in the past as well. Life sucks and it happens to us all at least once and at some point. Shame on you for dragging out the relationship this long when you have felt this way about him for awhile, you should have ended it a long time ago. Now time has been wasted for both of you.

 

When you leave him, your guy will go through a ton of pain for sure, but then time will pass and he will get over it just like we all do. it might take a year, a few years, a month, who knows. Just make sure that once you leave his ass in the outback, you don't go back again. Be 100% in your decision and stick to it even if some new guy you have in mind coming up doesn't work out.

 

Just my thoughts on pretty much the same situation that happened to me, only the girl came back a year later and I laughed in her face and said "Sorry but I can't trust you now, you were off doing another man for 10 months. Best be on your way"

 

No judgement intended at you OP, just be clear on what you want and pull the trigger as nicely as possible, but be firm put some space between you two so he can move on and so can you. [ Also if you care at all about this guy, make it so he doesn't/can't watch you date other men after you leave. That is pure torture for most of us male dumpees ].

 

SuperBitterGeek

Edited October 16, 2012 by SuperGeek

[trippi1432]

Hi Daisy - I took some time to read your other threads and I can say that you have gotten a lot of good advice there. The expectations (normal and healthy ones) are not being met in your marriage, and in reality, your husband knows that he can get away with this because there have never been any consequences for his behavior.

 

Perhaps something to talk about in therapy would be why you have become the caretaker, essentially raising a man-child. Simply, he needs to step up to the plate and be a husband in all areas, which includes respecting his wife and her needs as well as his own.

 

He needs to face his demons, therapy for the pot addiction, gaming...etc. It's not your responsibility to cow-toe to him so he can continue these. It's also not your responsibility to continue taking care of him and staying in a one-sided relationship because you are worried about him having no place to go. Either he is willing to man-up or you want a separation. Give him a time line to do something to help himself and keep to the consequences if he does not act on these things. It appears to me that he does not respect you as a wife, he looks at you as his caretaker and mother.

 

As to the EA, do not pursue or entertain any of this. While it did show you how you would like to have healthy, caring communication in your marriage....take that learning and apply it to what you want out of your marriage. Neither of these men are the same, but if your husband started taking some responsibility for himself and stopped acting like a spoiled child, could this marriage be different? Could your feelings change, could the marriage be saved? These are the things I would look at in therapy with a counselor and it would be the last and only chance you should give your husband. Time to end the complacency.

[Daisy926]

Hi, I just wanted to post again as it has been some time.

 

I cooled it on the emotional affair and I have been trying to focus on me. Husband finally realized I was wanting out and made an effort. Truth is he will make a lot of effort but not in what counts.

 

Sometimes I do feel that I have so much resentment and I cannot get over it. I know staying I will have to be in charge of everything - I do not feel he will ever change. Just an example - I went and did a home modification for our mortgage - he has no idea of anything to do with that. It is like responsibility means nothing to him. I want a partner not a child. I know he may feel he wants to be involved and I know that I played a part in this a big part but I just feel at 34 I should not have to worry about how I will be the only one bringing anything to the table.

 

Truth is I really feel I just do not care anymore. I feel the only reason I will stay is because I have always put him first and will continue to do so. I love him but I feel it is a sick love like that of a caregiver.

 

Part of me is scared I am just wondering what if I was truely just supporting myself. Like I said he would want to try anything - I just don't see it being possible. We have been together 18 years so there is a lot to change.

 

I guess I feel to fall out of love there has to be a BIG problem - abuse, etc. we don't have that. I do not hate him so this is just hard for me. I feel my head is a tug of war and I just feel depressed all of the time.

 

I am going to a new counsellor in 2 weeks she is a psychologist that does marriage counselling as well I went before but it was a mental health professional - not that he was bad but I felt he didn't get any underlying issues.. As I said i know I have some of the blame as well.

 

Sorry for the long post, sometimes it is easier to type it out as I feel at least I can be semi honest with myself this way and stop making excuses.

 

I think now I am dealing with the guilt feeling I want this to end as I don't see it getting better or realizing it may be another 18 years of my life before it does. I know it sounds harsh but it is hard to explain my situation as most people would not have put up with all I have. I know it isn't intentional but I just feel used.

 

Thanks for listening.

[trippi1432]

Hi Daisy - Thanks for the followup.

 

Have you ever flown on a plane and listened to the stewardess go through the spill about the oxygen mask? What is they say, put the mask on you first before putting it on someone else? That's similar to happiness, you have to find your own internal happiness outside of marriage, EA...etc. Internal happiness is not dependent on other people, situations...etc. Ask your psychologist about it.

 

Back to husband, complacency and acting like a child, not being responsible. All too often women fall naturally to the caregiver role, then they find that they are not happy. It's not natural in a happy relationship. Some men are all too happy to let it happen, some not. It doesn't have to be that way if you start backing off the caregiver role and start giving him more responsibility and setting expectations for him achieving them (that doesn't mean becoming "Mom" either). In effect, it's loosening your grip on being the caretaker and shifting your priorities to find your internal happiness. Remember, that does not depend on another person, it only depends on you. Marriage is a partnership, priorities are 1. Self, 2. Spouse. There is a reason self comes first, because if you aren't taking care of you, you can't take care of spouse properly nor can you care for yourself if something happens to spouse. His should be the same...and if you are both doing this right, you find that priorities are shared and one is not always doing more than the other.

 

To what you stated, "I want a partner, not a child". You are absolutely right, this is what every woman wants, needs and should get in a relationship. And how to get that is to give up that caretaker role and put more on his shoulders so he can find his self-respect as well. He probably does not even know his own internal happiness and puts his on you.

[ataloss8270]

I definitely agree about the different ways men and women communicate. My wife always swore up and down that she would tell me things and I would just give her a blank stare, which would piss her off and we ended up in an arguement. I guess she always though that subtle hints would get threw to me, but I always had so many things on my mind(I.e. mainly work), her hints would just go threw one ear and out the other. And she must have felt like she was in the same position as you (care giver). I never looked at things from her side and unfortunately I would always get defensive when she would try and talk to me about what I forgot to do or did even though she suggested that I don't do. That is one of the reasons she said I was abusive, is because of my defense mechanism would kick on when she would get frustrated with me, and it would end up in a bad arguement with extremely stupid thing said on both sides . I am working on hearing her when she asks me to do things or to take care of something right now, because she still hasn't filed yet and even though she has her own place, our personal relationship seems to me like its improving a little more everyday. And your husband need to do these things if he wants your resentment towards him to fade away. And believe me your resentment towards him can fade away with time, only if he puts the effort in that he need into really trying.

[Steadfast]

I am not sure how I feel. I feel I am not in love with my husband anymore and when I talk to people this just confirms it.

 

I have tried to talk to him for over a year and I get nothing. Now we are a little and when he asks what is wrong I can't seem to express what I mean.

 

I do not want to make him feel bad or say negative things. Truth is we grew apart. We have different lives and I am now at a point that I can accept that.

 

Just wondering how others went about this horrible conversation.

 

He just asked if I love him yes or no? (text - I am on a business trip) I feel like of course I do - I always will but we have been together for 18 years (married 4) I am just not sure I am "in love" anymore. I always thought that was a cop out but I can't explain how I am feeling - I am not happy, we are not compatable.

 

Do we obey the traffic laws (stop lights, lanes, etc) when we feel like it?

Do we feed and care for our children when we feel like it?

Do we eat or sleep when we feel like it?

Do we work when we feel like it?

Do we keep our promises and vows when we feel like it?

 

Love and commitment is not a feeling, it's a decision. Vows and promises are put in place to take us through the times when we may not 'feel' like honoring them. Why would we need that? Because, by relying on emotion alone we make decisions that not only harm others, but ourselves too.

 

Two people with enough character to honor their promises is a couple that will overcome issues that destroy the relationships of weaker couples. Do yourself a favor; do what you say you'll do. Say only what you mean.

[worldgonewrong]

 

love and commitment is not a feeling, it's a decision. Vows and promises are put in place to take us through the times when we may not 'feel' like honoring them. Why would we need that? Because, by relying on emotion alone we make decisions that not only harm others, but ourselves too.

 

Two people with enough character to honor their promises is a couple that will overcome issues that destroy the relationships of weaker couples. Do yourself a favor; do what you say you'll do. Say only what you mean.

 

quoted for truth!!!!