Controlling parents

[Nyla]

I left my parents overprotective home when I was 21. They believed that I was not to have any freedom because I was female, while my brothers were allowed to paint the town red. They tried to control every aspect of my life and if I tried to reason with my parents, the name calling and ridiculing would start.

 

I needed to be able to breathe and make my own choices. I was tired of being treated like a child and having no privacy or respect.

 

Since your girlfriend is an adult and her mother treats her like a little girl, it is time for your girlfriend to leave home so that she can learn to make her own decisions. A lot of very young people turn up their noses at less than stellar apartments or rooms; they don't realize that everyone has to start somewhere. I lived in rented rooms for three years before I found a very nice bachelor apartment. My first bed was a futon. I was poor but much happier once I moved into a big city after a boring adolescence in the suburbs.

Edited October 24, 2012 by Nyla

[turnera]

If nothing else, drag the parents to the IC appointment, so she can tell them in a safe environment how they are drowning her.

[Sugarkane]

I really loathe parents like this. I can't understand their bizarre behavior.

[trombean]

Yeah, she seems pretty certain that she wants to live in the house until she graduates. I don't think I'm going to be able to convince her.

[Sugarkane]

Can completely relate to the sexism. As always we're wrapped in bubble wrap because of the parents own fears.

I left my parents overprotective home when I was 21. They believed that I was not to have any freedom because I was female, while my brothers were allowed to paint the town red. They tried to control every aspect of my life and if I tried to reason with my parents, the name calling and ridiculing would start.

 

I needed to be able to breathe and make my own choices. I was tired of being treated like a child and having no privacy or respect.

 

Since your girlfriend is an adult and her mother treats her like a little girl, it is time for your girlfriend to leave home so that she can learn to make her own decisions. A lot of very young people turn up their noses at less than stellar apartments or rooms; they don't realize that everyone has to start somewhere. I lived in rented rooms for three years before I found a very nice bachelor apartment. My first bed was a futon. I was poor but much happier once I moved into a big city after a boring adolescence in the suburbs.

[turnera]

Yeah, she seems pretty certain that she wants to live in the house until she graduates. I don't think I'm going to be able to convince her.

Children of overprotective parents usually have a hard time trusting themselves to be able to live on their own. Kind of the opposite of the mother bird who pushes her hatchlings out of the nest and expects them to learn to fly. Probably not something you can push her into. You can, however, look for opportunities to get her to do things on her own so she can start to feel secure in her ability to take care of herself. Take her to other people's apartments so she can see what it's like.

[trombean]

Children of overprotective parents usually have a hard time trusting themselves to be able to live on their own. Kind of the opposite of the mother bird who pushes her hatchlings out of the nest and expects them to learn to fly. Probably not something you can push her into. You can, however, look for opportunities to get her to do things on her own so she can start to feel secure in her ability to take care of herself. Take her to other people's apartments so she can see what it's like.

Well every time she complains about her parents controlling her, I tell her things like "well you know if you didn't live there, you wouldn't have to deal with that", but then she just tells me "But then they would take my car away if I moved out, and I wouldn't have any time to study because I would be working and I would fail all my classes and I'd never graduate and etc etc etc"

[Sugarkane]

Can I link this to anyone who laughs/ insults us for not leaving home.

[turnera]

Well every time she complains about her parents controlling her, I tell her things like "well you know if you didn't live there, you wouldn't have to deal with that", but then she just tells me "But then they would take my car away if I moved out, and I wouldn't have any time to study because I would be working and I would fail all my classes and I'd never graduate and etc etc etc"

meh

 

I worked full time and made it through school. So did my brother. Sounds to me like she just isn't motivated enough. In other words, living there isn't REALLY all that bad - or she'd leave.

[Sugarkane]

meh

 

I worked full time and made it through school. So did my brother. Sounds to me like she just isn't motivated enough. In other words, living there isn't REALLY all that bad - or she'd leave.

 

You still don't say exactly how you did this. How did you work full time and study full time? How long ago was it? Obviously not in a recession! I work full time, that leaves not much time for studying.

[turnera]

You still don't say exactly how you did this. How did you work full time and study full time? How long ago was it? Obviously not in a recession! I work full time, that leaves not much time for studying.

I graduated high school in 1976; my mom moved away that week and I got to either find an apartment or move with her (to the middle of nowhere, where I'd have to drive an hour each way to college). My boss was retiring where I worked part time so I took over her day job and her 40 hours a week, and started going to night school. I took between 9 to 12 hours a semester, except for a couple semesters with calculus-type classes where I just couldn't do the 40+ hours of homework on top of class and work and I only took 6 hours. I went to work, then went to classes 4 nights a week, came home, did homework, and even found time to go running at night. Did I have time to goof off? No. Did I want to? No, college was more important.

 

I got married in 1980, got pregnant in 1989, when I had 3 classes to go. I started my next to last semester in August 1990, had DD a couple weeks later, missed one class, and didn't skip a beat otherwise. I graduated that next spring. Oh, and I switched from an Engineering degree to Media Studies after about 7 years (and a lot of wasted math/science classes).

 

What does a recession have to do with anything? Work is work.

 

The only difference is, now, school costs 2 to 3 times as much as it did then. I tried to go back for a second degree when DD22 went to university, but it would take me $30,000 just for a 'fun' degree. That's why I insisted that DD22 go to school full time, to get done faster; she's taking 15 hours a semester.

Edited October 30, 2012 by turnera

[turnera]

And my brother went away to university, went full time during the day, and worked as a bartender at a club at night, and studied during the day.

[turnera]

Maybe this is worth remembering:

 

When I was in college, computers were just starting to be invented. Internet hadn't been invented. Cell phones hadn't been invented. There were video game sets, but they weren't hooked up to other players; you just played a game and then quit. Before cable was invented, we had 5 tv stations - ABC, NBC, and CBS, and a couple lesser channels had just been created. About 5-7 years into my university time, cable was invented, but you only got a couple movie channels and stuff like MTV (which ONLY played music videos). There was no such thing as reality tv.

 

So when people your age say 'how did you do it,' it's simple: we actually put our time and effort into actually studying, instead of answering texts or keeping up with people on FB or synching up on a game with a bunch of gamers every night.

 

I'll bet that if you counted all the times you personally touch a piece of electronics and counted the minutes, you'd find at least a good couple hours a day that you're investing in it that COULD - if you were that determined - be invested into studying and taking more classes.

 

That's not a criticism, but a reality check. Lord knows I waste a lot of time each day nowadays on electronics that could be put to better use.

[TwinkletOes26]

Don't forget the economy was also much better than it is today(experts say that the recession in the 70s doesnt compare to this one because its on a much higher scale). You also in todays society NEED FB and the internet to "network" with other people. I was in college when FACEBOOK first started to get big and honestly I dont remember any of my classmates slacking off because of facebook and anyone who did was because well they would have anyway regardless of the distraction. I knew more people who PARTIED their way out of college ...which from what I hear has been going on at colleges since they were invented LOL.

 

The point is often times we can look at our lives and say "well ive over came this and this why cant this other person" answer is everyones life experience is different. Maybe this young lady doesnt have the personality to stand up as people here keep saying she should do....maybe her family has threatened her life(some cultures do this) if she strikes out on her own. We have no clue based upon a few postings... about what her family dynamic and life experiences are. The only way to know that is to ask her and since her BF is here asking for advice not her we really have no way of knowing.

Edited October 30, 2012 by TwinkletOes26
Spelling

[turnera]

Don't forget the economy was also much better than it is today(experts say that the recession in the 70s doesnt compare to this one because its on a much higher scale). You also in todays society NEED FB and the internet to "network" with other people. I was in college when FACEBOOK first started to get big and honestly I dont remember any of my classmates slacking off because of facebook and anyone who did was because well they would have anyway regardless of the distraction. I knew more people who PARTIED their way out of college ...which from what I hear has been going on at colleges since they were invented LOL.

Sure. But she asked how I 'managed' it, so I explained. I made it my priority over everything else. That said, I'm sure if I had all this temptation we have today around like cable tv and Internet, I'd have a hard time understanding how I could spend 40 hours working, 20 hours in class, and 40 hours studying, like I did. But the point is, if you want it badly enough, you CAN.

[turnera]

Don't forget the economy was also much better than it is today

I still don't understand what that has to do with this. The only possible reason I could think of even bringing this up in this discussion is if you are just unable to find a job.

 

But aside from that, a job is a job. I worked crap jobs from 1972 to 1991 because it was all I could get without a degree. I lived on $30/month in groceries. I let myself eat out ONE meal a week as a treat. I shopped at resale shops. I put out an ad for a roommate and shared rent with her. As I keep saying, it's doable...if you want it badly enough.

[TwinkletOes26]

Yes but we dont know what obstacles that may stand in her way. What you had to overcome vs someone else may be totally different. Also a job may not be just a job if you arent able to make ends meet. Im not talking about people who know they have bills and go out and shop ut people who try and still arent able to make enough. My boyfriend works at an eating establishment and he informed me that servers only get 3.00 plus tips(which maybe 100-150) a lot these servers have kids and homes to see about. One server quit because someone dined and dashed and the manager made her take it out of HER paycheck.

 

Also some people's families try to do everything in their power to hold them back. I had a friend whose mother would go purposely tear up his laptop to stop him from looking for jobs and even though he over came this and found work his mother would call his job and try to get him fired. All this because she didnt want him to move and leave her alone...

 

Just some examples of what might be stopping this young lady.

[Leigh 87]

Sure. But she asked how I 'managed' it, so I explained. I made it my priority over everything else. That said, I'm sure if I had all this temptation we have today around like cable tv and Internet, I'd have a hard time understanding how I could spend 40 hours working, 20 hours in class, and 40 hours studying, like I did. But the point is, if you want it badly enough, you CAN.

 

 

 

Sorry, but MOST people would opt to stay at home, rather than work AND study 40 bloody hours a week!

 

It is VERY admirable, but it simple is too much for most people to handle. And it does not make them any less of a person.

 

Studying 40 hours a week? Working 40 hours a week? ON TOP of 20 hrs of classes? WHEN did you have time to literally eat meals, and did you EVER get more than 5 hours of sleep?

 

For me, that extremely busy schedule would only be considered, if I had NO choice. And I would opt for PART TIME study, with the full time work. Why work AND study full time?

 

The utter HELL of 40 hrs of both work AND study would nto be worth getting my degree faster; I would rather spend twice as long part time. At least I would be working full time and have extra money to spend.

It makes me sick thinking about working a 100 hour week of classes, study, and work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Maybe the girlfriend of the OP can study PART TIME; that way, she could work full time whilst she studies onl part time.

Better still - maybe the boyfriend, once he gets a good job after his studies, can FIND her to study full time and therefore making her NOT have to study full time and work full time?

 

Sorry, but for most people, even hard working, clever, and determined people, working AND studying part time is simply TOO MUCH to physically cram into their days.

 

Lastly - some people doing hard or even non demanding Uni/ college work, are simply not intellectual enough to be able to work and study full time.

I personally cannot grasp math concepts fast enough to pass a full time math oriantated course, AND work full time.... I would simply not have enough time to study enough so as to PASS my degree.....

[turnera]

I was responding to someone else who asked what I did. My last post to the OP was to let his girlfriend do what she needed to do, and accept that she was more comfortable at home.

[trombean]

I think it's just harder for some people than it is for others. She wants to graduate as soon as possible because her parents didn't let her get any degree that she wanted, so she wants to go back to school after she gets this one. They forced her to do nursing and she really doesn't want to be a nurse... But right now they're paying for her college and supporting her, and if she changes her major, they'll stop.

 

She's taking a lot of really hard classes right now. She's a smart girl and she works extremely hard, but she's still struggling. She studies literally all day long. I hardly ever get a chance to see her or talk to her because she's always studying or doing homework or something... And she's STILL struggling lol. So yeah, to be honest, I don't think having a job on top of that would be good for her either :/

 

And she threatened to break up with me if I tried to get a job and support her myself... Which I really considered doing.

[turnera]

She can always just go get loans. The loans will cover an apartment and food and school. That's what my DD22 has been doing since day 1.

 

Then she could change majors to what SHE wants. But she's obviously not strong enough mentally to break away from them, so you'll just have to wait it out. But be prepared, she will be tied at the hip to them for the rest of your life, and you will ALWAYS come second if they choose to call their trump cards.

 

btw, nursing is THE hardest degree to get. DD22's roommate is in nursing and she puts in at least twice as many hours as DD22.

[Leigh 87]

I think it's just harder for some people than it is for others. She wants to graduate as soon as possible because her parents didn't let her get any degree that she wanted, so she wants to go back to school after she gets this one. They forced her to do nursing and she really doesn't want to be a nurse... But right now they're paying for her college and supporting her, and if she changes her major, they'll stop.

 

She's taking a lot of really hard classes right now. She's a smart girl and she works extremely hard, but she's still struggling. She studies literally all day long. I hardly ever get a chance to see her or talk to her because she's always studying or doing homework or something... And she's STILL struggling lol. So yeah, to be honest, I don't think having a job on top of that would be good for her either :/

 

And she threatened to break up with me if I tried to get a job and support her myself... Which I really considered doing.

 

 

 

 

 

That is really nice of you, to want to support her; ELSWYTH, a reall lovely ad also very clever poster, has her partner supporting her while she studies. She has voiced how much she appreciates it, I wish your partner would too! I guess she has her reasons for her aversion to it.

 

What degree is she doing?

 

I if she studies part time she could also work a menial job, whilst living out of home.

 

If she accepts your help too, that would help the both of you.

 

You need to be firm regarding her partentals; tell her, she either forces them to treat her like an adult, or you will not stand to always be the guy they do not approve of.

[Leigh 87]

She can always just go get loans. The loans will cover an apartment and food and school. That's what my DD22 has been doing since day 1.

 

Then she could change majors to what SHE wants. But she's obviously not strong enough mentally to break away from them, so you'll just have to wait it out. But be prepared, she will be tied at the hip to them for the rest of your life, and you will ALWAYS come second if they choose to call their trump cards.

 

btw, nursing is THE hardest degree to get. DD22's roommate is in nursing and she puts in at least twice as many hours as DD22.

 

 

 

Nursing, really?

 

I guess you would need to study math for more than one year, right?

 

I can handle science but not math lol.

 

Sorry, don't mind me, I am literally picking which degree I want to do myself.

[turnera]

Nursing, really?

 

I guess you would need to study math for more than one year, right?

 

I can handle science but not math lol.

 

Sorry, don't mind me, I am literally picking which degree I want to do myself.

Well, from what DD22 tells me, they just literally have to put in more hours. Not only does she study about 5 hours a day, but she also has to work at a hospital (I guess for free) in order to pass. I can see how they'd need all the hands-on time, as they hold people's lives in their hands.

[turnera]

Sorry, don't mind me, I am literally picking which degree I want to do myself.

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