Leigh 87 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 What makes you smile? I have my own thread about this and do not want to hi jack the OP.. But I am thinking of doing a food science degree in order to be a nutritionist, and still have the option of many other related jobs (food researcher or analyzer for huge companies) That or a teacher is pretty much is for me. I am passionate about those two fields, as my mother is a long time teacher and I know it is in my genes and I would love it, but would hate the studying for the degree part. I think I would enjoy studying nutrition more, the science element was interesting, and a welcome break from writing sh*tty essays. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 That is really nice of you, to want to support her; ELSWYTH, a reall lovely ad also very clever poster, has her partner supporting her while she studies. She has voiced how much she appreciates it, I wish your partner would too! I guess she has her reasons for her aversion to it. What degree is she doing? I if she studies part time she could also work a menial job, whilst living out of home. If she accepts your help too, that would help the both of you. You need to be firm regarding her partentals; tell her, she either forces them to treat her like an adult, or you will not stand to always be the guy they do not approve of. Her parents won't allow her to work at all. Right now she's doing things on the side like mystery shopper or selling blood so that her parents won't notice. She feels guilty accepting any kind of help from me. She gets really mad at me if I try to even buy her food, so of course she wouldn't let me support her lol. And I just feel really guilty trying to force her to make her parents accept me because dealing with them isn't easy and it's a lot of stress. No matter what, unless we can find some way to talk sense into them, they're going to fight back with all their might so I'm really trying to avoid that. I want to talk to them myself and see if I can get them to understand that I'm not the serial killer/rapist that they think I am... But at the same time they're extremely stubborn so I have no idea what will happen. It's just a lot easier said then done to tell her "Just tell them to deal with it". Because no matter what, her parents are going to put up a hell of a fight and that's a lot of stress that I DO NOT want to put her through. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 If you're really in love with her, look at this period (while she's in school) as a coasting period, where you just enjoy each other's company when you can, and make plans for more than that as soon as she graduates and gets a job and moves out. If you're planning the rest of your lives together, another year or two of unofficial status won't kill you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 If you're really in love with her, look at this period (while she's in school) as a coasting period, where you just enjoy each other's company when you can, and make plans for more than that as soon as she graduates and gets a job and moves out. If you're planning the rest of your lives together, another year or two of unofficial status won't kill you. We will if we have to, but it's just really stressful keeping secrets and sneaking. They know her schedule like the back of their hand, and if she's even a minute late, they panic and call her and ask her where she is. Also, she's horrible at lying. The moment she lies, everyone is able to tell, so it stresses her out even more because she has to avoid any situation that she has to tell a lie... So I have to see her during her breaks at school or whenever we're with a big group of friends. It's hard to get any time alone with her to take her out on a date or anything. We can't do anything in public because we don't know who will see us and tell her parents. Her family is very gossipy... So yeah we want to be done with this whole sneaking around stuff lol. And if we DO get married (which hopefully we do. We're definitely trying for it), then I want her parents to like me lol. So I wanna start gaining their trust now... This whole situation is so stupid Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 I hate to break it to you, but they will never like you. She is an extension of them and therefore, THEY want to pick out her mate. It's also unlikely she will ever feel strong enough to stand up to them. So if you stay together, you will always be the fifth wheel. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Tell her that that remember she'll be picking their nursing one day. I saw that on a bumper sticker once. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 I hate to break it to you, but they will never like you. She is an extension of them and therefore, THEY want to pick out her mate. It's also unlikely she will ever feel strong enough to stand up to them. So if you stay together, you will always be the fifth wheel. I know, I HATE to admit that you're right :/ But I mean I'm really not a bad person, I don't understand why they think this :/ Maybe because I'm not a doctor or extremely handsome or rich or anything like that, so therefor I must be a murderer? Idk, but it's not fair But I want to at least TRY to get them to understand that :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Tell her that that remember she'll be picking their nursing one day. I saw that on a bumper sticker once. I mean nursing home. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 I know, I HATE to admit that you're right :/ But I mean I'm really not a bad person, I don't understand why they think this :/ Maybe because I'm not a doctor or extremely handsome or rich or anything like that, so therefor I must be a murderer? Idk, but it's not fair But I want to at least TRY to get them to understand that :/ Nah, none of that. It has nothing to do with you. It's like I said - THEY didn't pick you out. Remember that they think she has no mind of her own; THEY want to run her life, make her decisions, because they have no faith in her to do it right. One thing you can do that might help is start reading books about parenting styles. It'll be a real eye-opener and if you share it with her, she may start to recognize what they're doing to her, and decide to walk away from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) Nah, none of that. It has nothing to do with you. It's like I said - THEY didn't pick you out. Remember that they think she has no mind of her own; THEY want to run her life, make her decisions, because they have no faith in her to do it right. One thing you can do that might help is start reading books about parenting styles. It'll be a real eye-opener and if you share it with her, she may start to recognize what they're doing to her, and decide to walk away from it. Yeah maybe so. She loves her parents though and I seriously doubt that she'll decide to leave before she finishes college. She WAS ranting to me yesterday about how she doesn't think her mom would be able to handle a kid that's actually bad. Because she does everything she says, never talks back and still gets yelled at for her for doing things that aren't even bad. I think right now the big struggle is just going to be getting this whole situation passed her parents. We want to just try telling them that we're going to date as soon as the semester's over and hopefully, even though they'll be pissed at first, they'll get over it once they see that I'm not a bad person and that I treat her good. I definitely don't think I'm going to be able to convince her to move out. Edited November 3, 2012 by trombean Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Your girlfriend is too afraid to stand up to her parents. Keep in mind that if you marry her, you will inherit intrusive in-laws and a wife who is too weak to stand up to her parents. I hear so many young women who hate living at home say: "I can't leave because my parents wouldn't like it." I tell them that they need to grow up and start living for themselves and not their parents. Women make their own choices. Little girls hide from the wrath of Mommy and Daddy. I grew up with parents like your girlfriend has. My mother was very critical and abusive, even though I was very responsible and well behaved. My father expected me to be a virgin until marriage, so he liked to make snide remarks when I dared to date around like a normal young person. Eventually, I grew weary of being depressed and screamed at every day like a dog. I had enough and when my mother saw that I was serious about leaving, she became very nice and sweet. It was too late. Your girlfriend will leave when she's had enough. She will gain strength and courage when she reaches her breaking point. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Get her to read the book The Dance Of Anger. It's about learning to say no to your loved ones without them being upset. Good stuff. Easy read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted November 7, 2012 Author Share Posted November 7, 2012 Get her to read the book The Dance Of Anger. It's about learning to say no to your loved ones without them being upset. Good stuff. Easy read. Thank you! I'll definitely check it out! Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Turnera, some loved ones can't stand to be told "no" no matter how diplomatic you are. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 So? Why should that stop someone from learning better choices? Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 It shouldn't. Just saying that diplomacy does not always work with irrational people. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 It shouldn't. Just saying that diplomacy does not always work with irrational people. The book teaches you that you don't make choices based on what other people (the Users) do, but rather on what YOU need in your life. It's that letting go that frees you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted November 7, 2012 Author Share Posted November 7, 2012 What I think is that she should just tell her that she's going to do it no matter what her mom says. AND OF COURSE her mom is going to freak out, take away her car and her phone and probably stop supporting her. But eventually, her mom will break because there's really no way she can do that to her daughter and keep hold her back from graduating. She needs that car to get to school. And without a phone, her mom will have no idea where she is or what she's doing and that will freak her out. She'll have some time to HOPEFULLY see that I'm not the terrible person she thinks I am and we can slowly get her to be ok with me. I told her to read the book, but she has no time to read anything except text books, so we'll see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 You can read it and explain the fundamentals to her. Easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted November 7, 2012 Author Share Posted November 7, 2012 You can read it and explain the fundamentals to her. Easily. Alright then, I'll do that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Here's an update: The semester ended so me and her talked to her parents like we had planned. Her dad was very supportive saying "You two are adults and you seem like a nice guy so I trust you. You two can do whatever you want". He just asked me a lot of questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. Her mom on the other hand was NOT supportive at all. Throughout the entire conversation, she was just shaking her head "no" and not really understanding anything we said. The very first thing my gf said to them was "I love you guys and you know I appreciate everything you do for me. But you have to understand I'm not stupid or a little kid and I wouldn't go with the wrong guy". To which her mom replied "No, you're very book smart but I don't trust you to make the right decision". She then looked at me and said with a very "now you listen here" kind of tone: "I've had to deal with abuse all my life" she says pointing to her husband. "I'm not going to let you abuse my daughter. Her and freddy (her son) are my life and without them I'd be dead" I told her straight up that I'm not abusive at all and I've never hurt anyone in my life and my gf agreed but she insisted "Can't you see he's abusive and controlling?" my gf told her that I'm not and she replies "Yeah that's what they all say and then they end up dead on the streets!!!" It was a long talk that basically got no where. But according to my gf, it went a millions times better than if she where to talk to her by herself. The next day she told me her mom was extremely depressed like as if she was already dead or being abused. Today me and her are going to try and go on a date with her mom's permission so we'll see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I don't think it went nowhere. Now they know you're dating, you're not banned or anything. You just have an unsupportive parent in her mom. That can fade with time. I'll warn you, though, that your gf has really good odds of becoming just like her mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 I don't think it went nowhere. Now they know you're dating, you're not banned or anything. You just have an unsupportive parent in her mom. That can fade with time. I'll warn you, though, that your gf has really good odds of becoming just like her mom. Maybe but I really don't see the same things in her that I see in her mom. Her mom likes to over exaggerate everything to where if someone makes a mistake, she'll never forgive them for the rest of their lives. Where as my gf is super quick to forgive and hates drama... Well now that we got this out of the way, my focus is to try and slowly get her mom's support which might be really hard. She doesn't approve of her son's gf either. She says that she's manipulative and needy and materialistic. But I've met her before and she's the complete OPPOSITE of what her mom thinks. She's a sweet, caring, shy girl. But she assumes that since he's buying her all this stuff, that she's DEMANDING it which is not true at all. And it's not like she hasn't gotten a chance to meet her. She visits the house almost every other day. So it seems like I might never really get her mom's full support, but I'd really like to hope that there's SOME chance at least. Link to post Share on other sites
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