A very long love story. Please read!

[thenotebooks]

If you have the time, please take a moment to read my complicated love story of the past 10 years.... I am a 24 year old girl who is struggling on what to do!

 

Back in 2002, when I was in 8th grade, I met this boy who I fell hard for all the way up until high school - freshmen year. During 9th grade, we talked ALOT, we flirted & I felt like I loved him although we were just really great friends (we had never kissed or done anything of that nature). He flirted too, everyone knew we had a thing for each other but we never acted upon it. Freshmen year was coming to an end & he still hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend or try to get serious with me... so I started talking to a new boy during this time (we will call him boy #2). I found out that boy #1 was moving to another school for the remaining 3 years of high school & I was deeply heartbroken. Being only 15 at the time & not allowed to date, I realized that him & I wouldn't go anywhere. Boy #2 & I started dating (secretly behind my parents' back)..

 

A year passes & I occasionally think of boy #1, still having strong feelings for him although I hadn't spoken to him in such a long time. A mutual friend of ours tells me that he saw him on the bus & got his phone number, giving it to me. Boy #1 & I started talking again (online) after a year of not having any sort of contact what so ever. It was like a breath of fresh air, as if the love of my life had come back full force (again, we NEVER told one another how we felt, how much we loved each other..) - But the only problem was.. I was already in a 2 year relationship with boy #2, & I still loved him. Things went sour in my relationship way before #1 came back, I ended up dropping out of school because he influenced me - he took my virginity & introduced me to alcohol - so I decided to end things with my bf & start anew with boy #1....

 

 

We spoke everyday, he would spend the night with me at my place, I would go to his place (we were only 17 then..) We would listen to music with each other & drink. It was an amazing teenage romance that we had with each other. One night, we went to a house party in a dangerous neighborhood & not wanting me to walk home, we ended up staying the night at this random house & stayed up all night just holding each other & touching each other. It was definitely love........yet, I was still in love with my 1st. It's hard getting over the person who took your virginity..at least for a girl like me it is.

 

 

We messed around for a couple months, until one night my ex (boy #2) decided to get back together. I missed him so much, everything about him although he was abusive to me. It's weird, I know. There are far more details then I am leading on but for the sake of a long drawn out story I will leave them out...... Boy #2 was cruel to me. He called me names & hit me. But I loved him too much to let go... & Although boy#1 was everything a girl could ever ask for, that spark didn't fully turn into a flame for him like it was before he transferred schools.

 

I "broke up" with boy #1 (we weren't official but I told him I needed to stop seeing him...) so that I could get back with #2.. Years pass, and boy #1 & I become really good friends, best friends..leaving the past behind & moving on to a beautiful friendship. We would still hang out with our mutual friends & get along....but he was still madly in love with me & I too, had feelings for him.

 

4 years after I had 'broken up' with him [#1], we were 21 now & older.. a little bit wiser.... I was still dating boy #2, it had been 6 years since we were together & we had been through ALOT. Turning 21 I had realized I wanted something new in life.. I ended things with boy #2 again & wanted #1 back (I know it sounds selfish, but I loved him the whole time.. just not enough to make that final plunge into a serious relationship with him..) Boy#1 said he needed time to think about things, because he too, was going through issues with girl(s) he was seeing... I decided to move to Texas but that didn't last for long. I was there for about 2 1/2 weeks when I decided to come back. I missed my friends & family.

 

 

Boy #1 and I started messing around again (mainly sex...friends with benefits) but I was madly in love with him & he was everything I wanted (at the moment, at least.. confused 21 year old girl I was!) a few months past & I got bored. I loved him, but he just bored me. It wasn't the same like when we were 17. I kept my distance from him & being that we were just friends with benefits at the time, I could & it wouldn't be a problem. About a few weeks after I kept my distance he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. It didn't feel right to me for some strange reason, after all we went through, after all the years we waited for this 'special moment' it just didn't feel as if it was the right time...... so I ended things with him again. (this was back in 2009)

 

 

Although I broke up with him... a few months later we continued to mess around. I would spend the night with him & we would still have sex. On the side.....because in reality I was still dating my boyfriend of now 7 years. For some reason, things fizzled out between boy #1 and I, so I went back to #2... #2 and I were off and on, & during this time I started seeing a much older man, he was in his 50s & we dated for 8 months.

 

so NOW THIS YEAR... After Boy#2 officially broke up FOR GOOD, after the older man & I are OVER..... #1 and I are FINALLY... TOGETHER.. It took awhile for us to be together because he was seeing an older lady himself & she HATED me because she knew he still loved me. This one night during the summer he showed me their texts to each other & it said "Shes in the way, my sister even said you will always love her, youre always talking to her & calling her...." (his lady said this about me & he knew it was true)

 

He would hang out with me behind her back (we never kissed, or touched each other..not once.. except one night when he pushed me on a swing at a playground) He confessed something to me that made me understand WHY he was so in love with me after all this time.. I was his first... I took his virginity back when we were 17. He ended things with her. He couldn't stand to be away from me any longer....

 

It has been a full month since we have made it official. My only question is......... Although the love we have for each other is so real, and he is all I ever think about, even through my tough 9 year relationship... I'm starting to get those jittery feelings that make me want to run away from him again.I just don't know what it is. I love him so much & he's my protector, confidant...best friend..lover..sweetheart.... but I want to run away

 

I'm tired of hurting him. He waited for me for 9-10 YEARS - He watched me cry during my abusive relationship & he wiped away my tears.. Since we were 14 years old we have ALWAYS felt this way for each other. I've always loved him no matter what.....but I want to RUN.. And never look back... I almost feel like Julia Roberts in RunAway Bride... What is it? What's wrong with me? & this time when we had decided to get back together, everything felt so right.. We sat on the edge of this wall, the ocean was beneath us & we watched the sunset go down. We sat there for 2-3 hours just talking, holding each other.. He said "I've always wanted you, you know that.... I want to be with you.." Right as the sun was going down to the horizon I said to him.... " I wanna be with you too...." It was absolutely perfect & I felt so much love in that moment.

 

But.....

 

What's wrong with me?? Why do I want to run away from such perfect love?? And why do I still love my ex boyfriend of 9 years & miss him so much? Someone help me snap out of it!!! I don't want to throw a good thing away again.. we are 24 now & we are definitely not getting any younger. I feel it's time to start a life with him.. I've been thinking about marriage & our future together.. yet at the same time................ I want to RUN!

 

Someone please explain as it's killing me inside.....

[River Rain]

Can you cut it down to at least half? It's kind of exhausting to read such a lengthy post sometimes.

[CarrieT]

Can you cut it down to at least half? It's kind of exhausting to read such a lengthy post sometimes.

 

Yes, and stuff that happens in the 8th grade is pretty irrelevant to adult situations...

[todreaminblue]

If you have the time, please take a moment to read my complicated love story of the past 10 years.... I am a 24 year old girl who is struggling on what to do!

 

Back in 2002, when I was in 8th grade, I met this boy who I fell hard for all the way up until high school - freshmen year. During 9th grade, we talked ALOT, we flirted & I felt like I loved him although we were just really great friends (we had never kissed or done anything of that nature). He flirted too, everyone knew we had a thing for each other but we never acted upon it. Freshmen year was coming to an end & he still hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend or try to get serious with me... so I started talking to a new boy during this time (we will call him boy #2). I found out that boy #1 was moving to another school for the remaining 3 years of high school & I was deeply heartbroken. Being only 15 at the time & not allowed to date, I realized that him & I wouldn't go anywhere. Boy #2 & I started dating (secretly behind my parents' back)..

 

A year passes & I occasionally think of boy #1, still having strong feelings for him although I hadn't spoken to him in such a long time. A mutual friend of ours tells me that he saw him on the bus & got his phone number, giving it to me. Boy #1 & I started talking again (online) after a year of not having any sort of contact what so ever. It was like a breath of fresh air, as if the love of my life had come back full force (again, we NEVER told one another how we felt, how much we loved each other..) - But the only problem was.. I was already in a 2 year relationship with boy #2, & I still loved him. Things went sour in my relationship way before #1 came back, I ended up dropping out of school because he influenced me - he took my virginity & introduced me to alcohol - so I decided to end things with my bf & start anew with boy #1....

 

 

We spoke everyday, he would spend the night with me at my place, I would go to his place (we were only 17 then..) We would listen to music with each other & drink. It was an amazing teenage romance that we had with each other. One night, we went to a house party in a dangerous neighborhood & not wanting me to walk home, we ended up staying the night at this random house & stayed up all night just holding each other & touching each other. It was definitely love........yet, I was still in love with my 1st. It's hard getting over the person who took your virginity..at least for a girl like me it is.

 

 

We messed around for a couple months, until one night my ex (boy #2) decided to get back together. I missed him so much, everything about him although he was abusive to me. It's weird, I know. There are far more details then I am leading on but for the sake of a long drawn out story I will leave them out...... Boy #2 was cruel to me. He called me names & hit me. But I loved him too much to let go... & Although boy#1 was everything a girl could ever ask for, that spark didn't fully turn into a flame for him like it was before he transferred schools.

 

I "broke up" with boy #1 (we weren't official but I told him I needed to stop seeing him...) so that I could get back with #2.. Years pass, and boy #1 & I become really good friends, best friends..leaving the past behind & moving on to a beautiful friendship. We would still hang out with our mutual friends & get along....but he was still madly in love with me & I too, had feelings for him.

 

4 years after I had 'broken up' with him [#1], we were 21 now & older.. a little bit wiser.... I was still dating boy #2, it had been 6 years since we were together & we had been through ALOT. Turning 21 I had realized I wanted something new in life.. I ended things with boy #2 again & wanted #1 back (I know it sounds selfish, but I loved him the whole time.. just not enough to make that final plunge into a serious relationship with him..) Boy#1 said he needed time to think about things, because he too, was going through issues with girl(s) he was seeing... I decided to move to Texas but that didn't last for long. I was there for about 2 1/2 weeks when I decided to come back. I missed my friends & family.

 

 

Boy #1 and I started messing around again (mainly sex...friends with benefits) but I was madly in love with him & he was everything I wanted (at the moment, at least.. confused 21 year old girl I was!) a few months past & I got bored. I loved him, but he just bored me. It wasn't the same like when we were 17. I kept my distance from him & being that we were just friends with benefits at the time, I could & it wouldn't be a problem. About a few weeks after I kept my distance he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. It didn't feel right to me for some strange reason, after all we went through, after all the years we waited for this 'special moment' it just didn't feel as if it was the right time...... so I ended things with him again. (this was back in 2009)

 

 

Although I broke up with him... a few months later we continued to mess around. I would spend the night with him & we would still have sex. On the side.....because in reality I was still dating my boyfriend of now 7 years. For some reason, things fizzled out between boy #1 and I, so I went back to #2... #2 and I were off and on, & during this time I started seeing a much older man, he was in his 50s & we dated for 8 months.

 

so NOW THIS YEAR... After Boy#2 officially broke up FOR GOOD, after the older man & I are OVER..... #1 and I are FINALLY... TOGETHER.. It took awhile for us to be together because he was seeing an older lady himself & she HATED me because she knew he still loved me. This one night during the summer he showed me their texts to each other & it said "Shes in the way, my sister even said you will always love her, youre always talking to her & calling her...." (his lady said this about me & he knew it was true)

 

He would hang out with me behind her back (we never kissed, or touched each other..not once.. except one night when he pushed me on a swing at a playground) He confessed something to me that made me understand WHY he was so in love with me after all this time.. I was his first... I took his virginity back when we were 17. He ended things with her. He couldn't stand to be away from me any longer....

 

It has been a full month since we have made it official. My only question is......... Although the love we have for each other is so real, and he is all I ever think about, even through my tough 9 year relationship... I'm starting to get those jittery feelings that make me want to run away from him again.I just don't know what it is. I love him so much & he's my protector, confidant...best friend..lover..sweetheart.... but I want to run away

 

I'm tired of hurting him. He waited for me for 9-10 YEARS - He watched me cry during my abusive relationship & he wiped away my tears.. Since we were 14 years old we have ALWAYS felt this way for each other. I've always loved him no matter what.....but I want to RUN.. And never look back... I almost feel like Julia Roberts in RunAway Bride... What is it? What's wrong with me? & this time when we had decided to get back together, everything felt so right.. We sat on the edge of this wall, the ocean was beneath us & we watched the sunset go down. We sat there for 2-3 hours just talking, holding each other.. He said "I've always wanted you, you know that.... I want to be with you.." Right as the sun was going down to the horizon I said to him.... " I wanna be with you too...." It was absolutely perfect & I felt so much love in that moment.

 

But.....

 

What's wrong with me?? Why do I want to run away from such perfect love?? And why do I still love my ex boyfriend of 9 years & miss him so much? Someone help me snap out of it!!! I don't want to throw a good thing away again.. we are 24 now & we are definitely not getting any younger. I feel it's time to start a life with him.. I've been thinking about marriage & our future together.. yet at the same time................ I want to RUN!

 

Someone please explain as it's killing me inside.....

 

 

i read the whole thing....i liked your ellipses.........because you didnt deal with your feelings from the 1st boyfriend you were unable to move on....i think now you have moved on

 

 

the run feelign you are getting is because you actually feel good and dont belive you should feel good....residual guilt for finding happiness with unresolved feelings in there stemming from abusive relations...you have to move with this partner you have now....move on enjoy your love for him and his love for you its rare you know to find love....sometimes when you do feel love for someone you question it, because you dotn belive that you coudl ever find something that makes you that happy and content ...so ....you run......

 

 

normally children of abuse and teens and adults who have suffered from abuse will feel like this....i have seen it first hand and also talked to many hearts who have suffered through abuse....through it all....god loves you and wants people to find love believe it or not ....this is truth....we all go through trials...you have been through one and your human nature is kicking in making you want to lace up your nikes and take off from what is good and true and right....because part of you doesnt believe you deserve it......maybe i am projecting....this is what i feel in my heart i wanted to share with you.....the reason i read your whole story .....struck a chord with me.....move on with your love and his love make it one love strong between you.....and god will protect it with effort and attention from you in nurturing that love, hold it close to your heart.....best wishes ...loved your story ....dont end it on the middle of a paragraph....go for the happy ending...you deserve it.....hugs to ya.....all the hope and love you need is in you and your partner....god looks after the rest..this is my opinion and my advice given from a good place...deb