2 months later and I am lost without her

[suge]

I miss her so much, I have accepted she is gone but the thoughts of her won't go away.

 

We were together for 5 years. I met her shortly after my daughters first birthday. My daughters mother and I were only together for the kid, no intimacy etc and we split (her and I are on good terms joint custody etc so that worked out well) When I met her I was 25 and she was 22. She was recovering from addiction problems, I was a single father and we both found love and support in each other.

 

We had a wonderful relationship, she truly was my best friend, she accepted the fact that I had a child but always expressed her reservations about being a step mom. I helped and encouraged her to go back to college, she ended up getting her 2 year degree in art, and graduated with a BA in psych with honors. We had plans on moving in with each other and getting married. She still had reservations about being a step mom but always said that she wanted to be with me and was working to overcome that fear, I never wanted her to have anything more then friendly interactions with my kid, my kid has a mother who is active in her life and doesn't need another one.

 

After she graduated she moved in with a well off family friend while she was waiting for grad school to start. This family friend introduced her to a new age spiritual group that she was a part of. She became very involved in this group and it became her top priority in life. She became very focused on herself and the group above everything else. We had some issues early in the year because of this, she began neglecting our relationship and me for this group. I tried to be supportive of her through this though. The group had a 2 week retreat in august. Shortly before this we had our 5 year anniversary, and she decided she was going to drop out of grad school, it wasn't what she wanted anymore and it would get in the way of her classes with this group. We had a huge fight during this period and she decided she didn't want to be tied down with someone with a kid even though she loved me. We reconciled after this but the issue wasn't resolved, then 2 weeks later she went on her group trip.

 

During the two weeks she was gone she made no contact with me or her family. When she got back we went to dinner and on the way back she broke up with me. She told me that she wanted to leave and explore her options, find her self, and find a new career path. She decided that being step mom isn't something she wanted anymore.

 

I did the typical wrong things after, I begged for her to come back, I tried to stay friends (but I always was positive was never negative or mean to her during this) for the first week after BU. A week later she contacted a mutual friend to check in on me, told her that she still loved me just as much but couldn't do this anymore, she needed to figure out a new career, didn't want to be stuck in this state for the next decade, and didn't want a life with me because my child would be in it. She went NC after this to heal and hoped one day we could be good friends again but wanted separation and healing first.

 

There was one text message exchange a week after this, me wishing her happy bday and telling her I wanted to remain friends, and she said she wanted the same eventually.

 

About three weeks ago I called her just to see how she's doing and hoping we could break NC and start talking again. She didn't answer or respond to the VM i left.

 

I have been NC since then and I know I can't contact her anymore. At this point its her turn to contact me.

 

I feel so hurt and lost. I miss my best friend. If she can't be with me because of my child I can accept that. What really hurts is the fact that the person I shared everything with for the last 5 years now wants a life without me in it.

 

I need to continue with NC but really I just want to reconnect as friends, I know at this point theres no way a relationship could happen.

 

I don't really know what I am asking here, I could use some opinions, words, etc.. something. When should I try contacting her again, 4 months, 6 months, a year? I wish I did something wrong so I could accept it and move on, I wish she did something that I could accept and move on.

[lycans]

She sounds like a free spirit and maybe you are too to be so open minded. You guys leaned on eachother through some real hard times and that is an important lifetime relationship. I feel for your loss and wish you the best.

[brokenheart415]

I have a similar story, ex moved in after college. We started off strong again, but fell off over the same arguments for the past years. She had trust issues, couldn't accept me for who I was, and I loved getting to know people whether male or female. I'm still hurting too, its been a week since she cut me off completely from everything, but in that week I'm doing much better and the pain wasn't as bad when I was trying to contact her and convince her to come and or be friends, I was just digging a bigger grave for myself. What was worse for me was she replaced me immediately with someone else.. its best if you didn't know what she is up to and keep NC forever, maybe someday a few months or years from now she will contact you, but that's cause she may be curious about you, maybe she won't. I'm in the same situation. Keep NC, be happy, you have a child to love and take care of, something that most people would love to have.