I feel this is abusive or am I wrong) Thank you!

[Green0Valley]

! I apologize English is not my native language!!

I would appreciate very much your help to understand what is wrong with me.

I met this guy 6 years ago and since then we together.

At the time when we met we were living in the same state just different town but close enough to not have a long distance relationship.

All the time I told him I keep meeting him as long as he does not get intimate with other women.

We always talking and he was telling he wants me. Of course that is what I like to hear.

In the last year when I was meeting him he started to tell me he forgot at home his money, so i had to pay for all we did in the city.

Then he said to me his business is going bad he does not have money so I paid for everything we did together.

I felt somehow used always paying but I trusted him and I was willing to help him to feel good. All of us at some point in life have some downs.

When initial we met he was very nice paying for everything, insisting to pay for everything and always to surprise me with something.

Then he invited me at his vacation house and some of his friends were there, in the first day he was nice and warm to me the other days he was pushing me away and always finding something to criticize at he in front of his friends. At some point late in the night I was almost to cry and wish to leave that house but being middle of the night I was scared to drive on that "wild" place at mile away from highway. The next day I calm myself down.

It was like he is irritated by me, and really I do not think i did anything to him, I do not think I was clingy or needy.

he was the one that always want to stay near me and to touch me to asking me to touch him.

His friends start asking him how we know each other and for how long,

he was telling them about me, that we know each other since many years, that he was with me overseas etc

One of them ask if I am his girlfriend, he never named me girlfriend , but only friend.

I felt bad because I wish he call me his girlfriend and i wanted this to come from him.

I never ask him to be in a commitment relationship but to not be intimate with other women and he agreed to this. I should say being with him so many years and listening what he was telling to me, what he dreams about me I was hoping he will be at that emotional level to want to be together forever as he always was mentioning his dreams with me and me too about him and he was feeling happy to hear I day dream about him during meetings.

I took him at several events and for the dinners i was invited at work.

I like him and I tried to treat him nicely and since I do not really have friend from my childhood or relatives here that is something of me and I wanted him to know about me. He seemed to enjoy and always keeping close to me and holding my hands, in opposite how he treated me when I was with his friends.

This year he invited me to spend some vacation time to sky few days

I took days off from work but he never call me or answer to my call the day we were supposed to meet and I did not go anywhere and spent the days off at home.

He called me the next day to say he is sorry and if I mad with him.

Of course I was but I did not want to talk to him about this.

Other time we planned to go to visit some places but he was always complaining it is too far drive for him or it cost money or he does not want to spend the weekend there and he want to go there during the week.

i told him I cannot during the week I have a job. So we went in some places but in some not.

My job situation went not so good and I decide to move and now I am little further, I need a job, but we were always talking, keeping in touch and planning to have him coming here and spend times together and myself coming there for holidays.

I told him I am with hm as long as he does not go intimate with others women.

He was telling how much he think about me and what he dreams about me.

I felt good to hear that and trust him.

But one night he was talking very attractive to me and the next evening he was telling he visited a place I wanted to visit with him but he did not want because of the money-distance-weekend day.

I ask him how come that when I was the he did not want to visit that and he was telling me he was with a woman from his town.

I was shocked to go there with her did not matter money-distance-weekend day. He was telling it is nothing between them but I felt so bad, I feel humiliated to hear for her he has all set to go there.

I told him i feel sad he did this, and I feel hurt about what he did.

I feel was used and like abused for material to pay for him and also emotional, the way he was treated me in front of his friends. Not to say in front of his friends he had always money to pay for him and was asking me to pay for myself. and Also he did not find pleasure to go ti visit with me but with that woman he did it.

After this I did not talk to him about a month; I just could not talk to him so bad I felt to hear he was fine to go there. With other woman, in the place I wanted to go with him

I missed him, although taking this month off I can see more situation he used me and how he treated me especially around his friend.

it was he wants to be close with me and also to push me away sometimes aggressively. I felt hurt but since I do not live with him, and I have my space I easily recovered and let it go.

When I mean abusive I mean the way he dropped off the plans without any warn, also I feel last years he used me to go out with me because I pay for the expensive, also the way he was treated me in front of his friends I fear meeting them. I feel he is doing the things only the way he wants and if you want something different or have another r point of view of the situation he start to criticize my wishes making me feel guilty for expressing it.

Also now we talk again daily but he is distant and talking cold but polite to me. I did not mention about what happened.

After knowing each other since so many years saying hi to him, talking 5 min in the morning, well not daily, but often I do not think I am needy /clingy. And I am only genuine interested he is doing well,

We are also on Facebook and other day he posted a picture there and while talking to him I mentioned that is a nice picture (it appears in my stream not because I look at his profile) and in the evening I discovered he is not friend with me on Facebook anymore ( well I have 10 friends it was easy to see not I have 9), I suppose he removed me from his friends. I am sad because I never interfere with his friends, I do not comment on Facebook on his posts, I do not have any activity there only posting times to times some pictures on my Facebook.

I did request for friendship and told him by mistake we were disconnected and I would like to reconnect with him and wait to see what is happening.

I do not understand why is he talking to me so excessive polite and always answering to me, but on the other side he did that.

You may say move on, there are plenty of men but it is not like that.

It is not easy to find someone to feel you like him.

Thank you for your help!

Edited October 14, 2012 by Green0Valley

[LadyGrey]

Abusive? No........he is just your average everyday cheap asshat.

 

He can afford a vacation home but yet you are paying for everything, come on.........surely you see the irony in this?

 

You need to convince yourself that you deserve better treatment and drop him like yesterday. He is not a nice man and he is never going be.

 

When someone shows you who they are........believe them. He has shown you, he is no good.

[Green0Valley]

you are right, he has many houses but he told me he is about to loose them, I really believed him and feel sorry for him.

I disliked when I paid for everything but my fear of not being with him "was talking"

[Taramere]

I tend to associate abuse with behaviour that has a criminal element to it. If he were hitting you, or being verbally violent or stealing your possessions then that would certainly be abusive. What you're describing sounds more like disrespect to me....but disrespectful behaviour can be a precursor to abusive behaviour.

 

I think people will often employ it to test others out. how far can I go with this person? How much disrespect will they put up with? For me, the situation you're describing indicates a level of disrespect that I wouldn't see as being reversible.

 

If you can (ie if it's a friend or dating partner or acquaintance....as opposed to colleague, spouse or family member where there's more impetus to try to resolve things), then cutting the person out of your life is the best way. It's a bit of a powerplay thing, disrespect. If you hang around putting up with it, then you send out a message that you don't really respect yourself. Then it becomes a downward spiral.

 

A man who wasn't inclined to be a user in the way that this one is would probably have had the decency to give you a clear "there's no relationship here" message to you. This one has strung you along for what he can get out of it. Terming it abusive is extreme, and also puts you into that victim category - which might feel comforting in a way, but isn't going to help you towards higher self respect, which you will need to develop, in order to attract more respectful people into your life.

 

I don't see what you can do other than to stop thinking about this guy, by forcing yourself to focus on other,more positive, things.

Edited October 15, 2012 by Taramere

[Green0Valley]

I agree with you, but is hard to see you were used especially by those you trust And I always see him in a fresh view because when I am not near him I am busy with my work that is demanding and also i have my space and my hobbies. I feel happy when I see him and I feel he is warm to me but as we are more together I start to feel something is strange there but I cannot define that. We did many things together and and that comes to my mind when I think of him and the bad things in the moment I feel hurt and then it seems I forget about it till next hurt.

 

I may sabotage myself but I keep thinking of him and if there is any chance to work on this.

 

I do not want to be alone the rest of my life and I am too busy with work and this area where I live now are not many chances to get to know people, it is isolated place but the job is great. I feel I can forget him only by meeting other person I like. It is not that I do not have my own time or my hobbies. At the end of the day, at night, he is my mind.

Edited October 15, 2012 by Green0Valley

[Green0Valley]

I did not talk to him since I wrote here.

Today I talked and he was asking me if I meet other men?

[dreamingoftigers]

That's just his ego talking....

 

I had a user friend that always used to "loyalty test" me too.

[spiderowl]

He was not treating you well. Basically, he is not a very nice guy. He is immature and denigrates you in front of his friends. He doesn't take your opinions seriously and changes plans at the last minute without consulting you. He also sees other women.

 

There are degrees of abuse. It can start out with small things that are uncomfortable rather than hurtful. It can take the form of denigration. Obviously, it is not physical abuse but it was very hurtful to you. You felt used financially too.

 

You are a kind-hearted person and wanted to believe the best of him, but his behaviour was pretty rotten. Why not decide what kind of person you do need and then search for that guy, not this one who is hopeless and doesn't deserve you.