Divorcing, living w/mom, self destructive behaviors, HELP!

[lioness]

I've recently initiated divorce proceedings from my husband of almost 5 years. We have a toddler, and we are able to be cordial to each other for his sake. I was just not happy, there was no passion, no communication, and he had a drug problem. I don't know for sure if he's given it up, he says he has. I also was suspicious of him possibly cheating, although I had no proof.

 

Now I'm living with my mother, which isn't the greatest because she's more than a little overbearing. I am not in a financial position to move out anytime soon (maybe 7-8 months - not soon enough!) My ex thinks that my mother had a hand in my divorce decision... and now I'm starting to doubt my own decision. Was it her?

 

To make matters worse I rebounded right into a self destructive relationship with a married man that I work with. I am having a hard time, we've ended it, but it hurts worse than the end of the marriage. It was more passionate than anything I've ever experienced.

 

How do you learn to be alone? I know that this is what I need... Help! How do you move on?

[wildturkey]

Calm down and focus in what is important. Your child(s) and yourself. If you are going to mess around do it for entertainment only. You are not emotionally secure at this time to be out there. I am sure you thought it was the best relationship - he treated you great, so did you, there are no responsibilities and bad habits you are sharing. Also find yourself a good attorney, one that will go to war WITH you and settle things faily. By the way, I can assure you that a lot of people know about what you two did. This is not good for your divorce if this got back to your ex and his attorney. Work is not the place to do that. Living at home may help you keep things in perspective. Talk to your mother. If you are depressed contact someone for guidance. Call a girl friend and go out to the park. Invite someone to play at home, go out for icecream, get a movie, include your mother in it if you want. You are probably in "her space" give something back. May help ease things with her. You are on the right track. WHen you learn to live alone and entertain yourself and your heart is ready to be broken again because it is mended then you are ready to date again. Remember when you broke that Vase and you glued it back? THere were chips that you could not find. Maybe too little that got pulverized with the fall. It is risky. Glad you have recognized you are auto-destroyiong yourself when you have affairs at work. It is time for shields up and be taugh! Drugg problems are serious. Did you go to counseling? Your mother does not want you hurt. I assure you of that. She may have given her opinion. Do not second guess yourself. Look at why you decided to divorce. Those are important issues to you. I have needs and they were not met. Reconsiliations are awsome I think but only if you build a different relationship and that is difficult. He has a child with you. 5 yrs is a long time. If in doubt - start communicating and lay the cards on the table. Maybe you want to complete divorce and start dating again your ex. Stay at home. A second wedding could be fun if things work out. I hope they do for you.

[lioness]

Thanks, I needed to hear all that.

 

I do need to be more sensitive to what my mom is going through. I know it's hard for her to have us there. She says that I should stay , to give my son a sense of stability and security, and I do agree. This is the roughest thing he has to deal with.

 

Luckily for me, my ex is not using an attorney and I am. My attorney does not know I've had an affair, however, we have already had the discussion about what kinds of weapons (figuratively) I might need to use if it got ugly.

 

We never did go to counseling, by the time he would finally agree to go, I'd already checked out of the marriage. He also has anger problems and would never go to counseling about that. He never physically hurt me... but I lived in a constant fear. I'm glad to be out... I do need to move away from second guessing myself.

[wildturkey]

Start figuring out what you are going to do next. It worked for me. It is like having a plan. Look at what happened to me. Mine has been a month now. It is complicated. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=262928#post262928

[lioness]

Aren't they all complicated? I mean, if I could tell everything, it would take me a year just to write it all.

 

So... I figure that is exactly what I need to do. Make a game plan for the next year, or at least 6 months. I'm lucky to have some very supportive girlfriends who snapped me out of it with this guy at work. And I feel totally lucky to have recognized it for what it is before we got caught.

 

It's nice to know we aren't alone, though.

[lioness]

Oh, wildturkey! I read your posting! Don't you wonder... if she's in her 40's and never been married, that maybe she's just not ever going to get married? Maybe she has some major commitment issues that she just can't overcome.

 

What is the latest development? Have you talked? How is your broken heart mending?

[wildturkey]

mending ok. At this point a lot of things are starting to be more clear. Thank you for the comment. Time to go out and get something to eat. I will leave the thinking chair alone today. Thank you for your comment.

[lioness]

Ok - I'm panicking now. The married man did come into the office today. And as soon as I saw him, I couldn't breathe. My chest actually aches. I'm shaking. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack or something.

 

OUch! It hurts! OH - noticed he started wearing his ring again... must have had a lovely weekend.

 

I don't know why I'm reacting like this. I know I need to move on, but it's hard. And we have to talk to each other in a business manner like nothing has happened.

 

I can't breathe.

[Yikes]

Just keep thinking about your son... his kids (if he has any), his wife. This is a recipe for disaster. He's MARRIED. Even if he wasn't, you could use some time to heal your own wounds. He may come on all sweet and caring, but at the end of the day he's a CHEATER. A real man would do one of two things; leave his wife, or behave himself and work on his marriage. Don't let yourself get used. Don't be a little piece of chicken on the side for him that he can't take proudly out in public. If he truly cared for you, he'd do the right thing. Sounds to me like he knows exactly what he's doing, he's preying on you because you are an easy target right now.

 

There are other SINGLE guys out there with no wives, kids or baggage, especially at your age. Be strong, and as much as I hate to say this, he's just using you. Like I said before, if he was for real, he'd end his marriage. When people screw around like this a whole lot of innocent people get hurt and it's not right... but I suspect you already know this.

[lioness]

Originally posted by Yikes

Just keep thinking about your son... his kids (if he has any), his wife. This is a recipe for disaster. He's MARRIED.

 

I know, I know... yes, he has a baby too.

 

Don't let yourself get used. Don't be a little piece of chicken on the side for him that he can't take proudly out in public. If he truly cared for you, he'd do the right thing. Sounds to me like he knows exactly what he's doing, he's preying on you because you are an easy target right now.

 

What if I'm preying on him? He's also vulnerable and an easy target... I think he's trying to set himself up to get caught, because when we are together, we DO go out in public. He and his wife live about an hour away, and she works another hour in the opposite direction... making him feel ok about going out in public with me? Ummm... we had sex in a public park, ok?

 

When people screw around like this a whole lot of innocent people get hurt and it's not right... but I suspect you already know this.

 

I know, I know, I know. Life isn't simple... sorry if maybe it sounds like I'm coming across as unfeeling or cold with some of my responses... I'm not. I'm just confused.

 

And it seems that even as much as we both know it's a bad thing we are doing... we even are trying to stop it... still can't stop from contacting each other. He called me last night on his way home. This is seriously like an addiction! For both of us.

 

Thanks, yikes, though, for your sage advice.

[Yikes]

I sense that you are confused. I realize that you are pretty young. I'm sure that he makes you feel good about yourself.

 

One other thing... you may be giving your ex all kind of ammunition to use against you. I repeat, this is a recipe for disaster.

 

To be honest, I really don't know what else I can say about this. I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing you. I have been cheated on and lied to, my kids have been hurt, my family has been blown apart. My ex is STILL seeing my ex friend (a married man), another family is going to get blown apart, my kids will be hurt all over again. I would never cheat and I would never mess with a married woman. I have been on that end and it hurts. I know how easy it can happen, but I have seen too many people hurt.

 

I am not perfect, I don't have all of the answers and I know that this is hard for you. Life is full of hard choices, if there is one thing that I have learned it is that the right choices are rarely the easy ones.

 

Good luck.

[lioness]

thanks yikes.

 

You are right, I'm totally confused. I'm young and have so much time ahead of me...

 

I keep vacillating back and forth, between... do I want to keep this going, or jump ship. Right now I'm hanging off the edge of the ship, preparing to drop.

 

I wish there were easy answers or solutions. I'm going to try right now to focus on my son, my health, and getting my financial world back into shape. That should take all my time and won't leave much free for messing around.

 

That's the goal, anyway.