No Contact Should, I send her an email or something.

[jose69571]

SORRY, its so long I have been thinking about what to write for a while

 

In the middle of May my girlfriend broke up with me, right after she graduated and moved to her job in D.C. I graduated from the same school which is in upstate NY a year before and then went on to grad school at a school about 4 hours away. We dated in total about a year and a half, when she broke up with me it was during my finals week and I was in a state of disbelief. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together (we both did talk about marriage eventually after I finished grad school a few times, I still have 2 more years to go).

 

Before she broke up with me we got into a fight on the phone the night before. Honestly for maybe 2 weeks before things were a little weird because she was sort of cold on the phone, said that right now her new job was the most important thing until she got all settled, and I was also stressed out because finals were coming up for me. (She was the closest thing in mylife and I probably didn't give her the space she needed, we would talk every night for like half an hour to an hour) After she broke up with me I called her and e-mailed her all the time for probably the next 10 days or so saying that I was sorry that I made mistakes and loved her and would never treat her bad again. I honestly do love her with all my heart still and that has made it hard to move on.

 

After a few days after we broke up she responded to one of my emails and she sent me an email she told me basically that I had to get over some issues that I had and that she had to get over living alone because she had never done that before in her life. Which is true b/c at home she has a younger sister and 2 brothers and while at college she always had a roomate, or she was at my place in my fraternity house while I was still in school with her.

 

I probably called her maybe 2-3 times after that and after my finals were done, decided to send a last email telling her that I still valued her friendship and was sorry if I somthered her by trying to have more than friendship with her while she was going through the big step of starting a career in a new city and all and that if she or her family needed anything at all to call me. After I sent that email, I went to a BBQ w/ some of my friends and I asked one of her good friends that I was also friends w/ to go with me as a friend. After the found out she sent me an IM message asking why I tried to take her friend out, I said it was just a BBQ and I just ment to take her as a friend and as company (honestly I also wanted to ask her friend what to do to get back together with my girl friend too).

 

After that we maybe didn't talk for like 3 weeks and she sent me an email where she told me that she did still want to be friends with me and that I could call her once in awhile to see how she was doing. She also let me know that she was sending a book back that I sent her that described the whole first year of grad school experience as well as some pictures that she borrowed from my frat house. A few days later I gave her a call and we talked for awhile. She mentioned that she didn't want to date me right now, and I said that was cool and that in a way I thanked her for opening my eyes to some bad things I did in the relationship. About a week and a half later I called her for her birthday on my new cell phone (One of the reasons I got the cell, was b/c she used to complain about how she hated that I didn't have one and she couldn't call me when she wanted) and we talked before her work shortly, and then after her work for about 45 min. to an hour. We ended the conversation nicely but during the conversation she said that she didn't want to date anyone right now, and I said that thats fine but that I still love her verymuch and have made the changes in my life that she wanted so to please give me a chance if she ever wanted to date people again.

 

That friday, I called her just to say hi while I was driving up to visit my mother (who doesnt like her [my ex.]), and we only talked maybe 10 minutes b/c she told me that there was a movie on that she wanted to see the ending of. Sunday I called her to see how she liked the end of the movie and how she was doing, she wasn't there so I left a message. I decided not to call back b/c I left the message. I sorta figured if she does truly want to be friends with me then the phone works both ways.

 

 

Now, almost 5 weeks have passed since I heard from her. I was thinking of sending a short email in a couple of weeks, asking simply "that I was wondering how she was doing?"

 

I also forgot to mention that I talked to her mom about a month ago b/c my ex. happened to mention that her younger brother was graduating h.s. so I called to congratulate him. We also got to talking a little and I asked if she thought it would be a good idea to ask my ex on a date, and she said to wait till she was done with her job training stuff which should end some time in August. By the way I thought I got along well w/ her mom and dad before we broke up, I had Thanksgiving dinner at their house and stuff like that.

 

 

I really appreciate any advice anyone can give me. She was my first girlfriend ever (I know its pathetic, we started dating when I was 22) and I was her second boyfriend, but her only real boy friend, she dated a dirt bag that beat her up while in high school for 2 weeks. So I know I have probably made a lot of mistakes during the whole break up process.

 

Mainly I just wonder if I should send a simple email, or just keep not contacting her or what is best to do. Thanks alot for any help.

[wildturkey]

I will share something someone told me years ago. "the student's girlfriend is not the wife of the professional". Just exactly what you wanted to hear. I am older than you are. I have seen in life couples who are school sweethearts and are happy in all they do. So the phrase is not all true. Something for you to think about. Graduations, trips, reunions, anything can be used as an excuse or a reason to change plans that affect others - specially with things of the heart. Think about what you want to do with her. If you are honoring her request for friendship go ahead and call again. Start like this "Hi, _____ this is a friendly call and ....." make sure she knows that you have accepted the friendship only and move on. It will work only if you have accepted it. Otherwise you are going to suffer as you see her do things you wish you were doing with her. Do not play games and talk with her about new girls you have met. Remember you are just friends!!! and that is what she wanted. If you want to pursue it, it is good to wait and ask next time you call. If you can see her great. It will take the itch of knowing away from your ability to move on. You are what? 26? Think about it. Make yourself happy and not a pest to others. Good policy.

[wildturkey]

I didn't mean to say you were a pest. :-) I just meant that too much calling and begging can backfire and have a negative effect.

[nikkicam71]

DON'T CALL HER! You called her last...you left a message. She is taking you for granted! She KNOWS you will call eventually, she is comfortable with that....as a result, she is preoccupied with her life and doesn't worry about you or whether or not she will hear from you...because she is certain that she will!!

 

Take this time to start dating again. Move on with your life! Karma/fate are strange animals. You will definitely hear from her again....even if she only calls out of curiosity. But PLEASE don't call her/email her again!

 

FYI...If I'd left my ex a msg and he didn't call me back, I'd NEVER call him again. Never. She def. got your message and is simply being inconsiderate.

 

 

~Nikki

[Artifact]

In my experience too if you just stop calling her/e-mailing her (or whatever) then one of two things will happen. Either she will call you... or you will heal. Neither sounds too bad, right? Time is seriously a good thing. Take advantage of it.

Oh, and separate yourself from her family. An ex of mine had a family I adored, but they come as a set.

Good luck!

[jose69571]

Thanks for the advice, I guess it is probably better not to contact her. It is just is really hard sometimes b/c I want to make things work.

 

I really appreciate the advice, and if anyone has any more please keep it coming.

 

The only thing is I'm still affraid that if I don't call her at all, she will think I don't care about her, and then we will never get back together.

 

Another thing is I am doing a co-op in D.C. so I will be there in the spring and maybe the summer working at a company, is it good to try to contact her then b/c we will be near each other then?

 

 

Thanks for the advice, and please don't think I am crazy or something to still want to make it work but it is just that I was so in love w/ her and I know that not too long ago she felt the same about me. So if there is some way to make it work out between her and I, that would be great. I hope she just needs to get over living on her own alone.

[jose69571]

Doing good so far 5 weeks, I was really lonely and wanted to call her really bad, but was able to distract my self from calling her.

[Olivia_19742004]

DON'T CALL HER! You called her last...you left a message. She is taking you for granted! She KNOWS you will call eventually, she is comfortable with that....as a result, she is preoccupied with her life and doesn't worry about you or whether or not she will hear from you...because she is certain that she will!!

 

 

 

This is pathetic. Seriously people..is everyone in the world out to get someone? Are we all evil bastards that just hurt and abuse the ones we love?

 

Maybe she's busy. Maybe she's trying to get over the relationship, too. Maybe she said she'd like to stay friends because she truly didn't want to hurt you and does want to be friends.

 

The relationship ended. This doesn't mean she's an evil bastard. This doesn't mean she's using you. This doesn't mean she's taking you for granted. If you want to call her to see how she's doing then call her. Sometimes my friend's have to call me five times before I get a chance to call them back. I'm freaking BUSY...It doesn't mean that I'm taking my friend's for granted.

[nikkicam71]

ex-lovers are not "friends". There's a difference.

[Olivia_19742004]

I'm friends with ex-lovers. Many people are. We've even had a post about being friends with our ex's.

[Good heart]

If someone really cares about his ex emotionally more than physically and has some good feelings for her, and she was not mean or not too rude and tehre is something happening in her life then becoming friends is a very good option even if you are planning to go back again.

 

you should accept friendship for the time being and let her call and concentrate on what she is doing , she may be stressed or have something going on, just talk about what is happening , no emotions, no intimacy, just as if you are discovering her from scratch.

then according to what the stress factor is , you will decide what to do, the most important thing is not to seem emotional and not to reveal your intentions because you may discover she has a new boyfriend and you then may decide it is over.

this may seem manipulative but think about it this way also, if you accept friendship you will become a challenge again if she was interested in more than that especially if you appear busy doing other stuff.

not accepting friendship and waiting for her to call may run the risk of losing her definitely

[jose69571]

Major mistake, I accidently called her. I was on my cell w/ a friend. Then I went in the house and meant to call him back on my regular phone and accidently dialed her number (they both have the same area code). It was like a freudian slip or something, I didn't realize it till she answered the phone, then I hung up. But, I called her back a second later, b/c I didn't want her to think I was being weird or something. I told her I meant to call my friend who she knows too, we made some small talk asked how she was doing, she said good. I told her I was doing good too. She mentioned that she made some friends down there and that she went to a wedding with some guy she met. So I told her that was good to hear and glad she is doing well. We made some more small talk, she asked me some stuff going on in my life (like what I was doing as far as career/future plans). I said that I would tell her more when I had more time to talk to her in the future b/c my friend was expecting me to call back. Then my friend was trying to get ahold of me so I said good bye glad everything is well with her. I think she wanted to talk more so I guess thats good.

 

I'm cool w/ the friend thing for now I think anyway. I mean in the future hopefully someday maybe well see eachother and fall back into the love we used to have, but now I have a lot on my plate too. I don't think I am going to try for more until/ if I happen to get a job down there where we can get reaquainted again.