25 Years Trashed

[debber01]

So hubby dropped the bomb last Tuesday after 25 years together. I am dying. Not coping at all. Long story but I worked in his business until the economy, and business, tanked. So I have no marketable job skills or college education to fall back on. We struggled for a couple of years, still trying to make the business work, (and trying to pay the bills) and he found out about a job opportunity as an estate manager that paid enough to at least keep the house. Caveat was that he had to live onsite 5 days per week but he took the job which I was ok with because it was supposed to be a one year type of thing until we could get back on our feet. That was 3 years ago. And until last April, when he finally decided that the business was just too much and not making enough money, he was home for 2 days a week, but those two days were spent working in his business 12 hours per day. (I was still doing all of the paperwork/taxes, etc for all this time for the business).

 

But we've had our problems. Right now I still really don't have a handle on what exactly they were. Because he's always been a sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist kind of person. We've really never discussed anything. And there were times that we'd fight and he would go all passive aggressive on me. Not speak to me for two days, but on day three act like everything was ok and nothing ever happened. But if he was really this unhappy, why WHY didn't he talk about it? Why did we not get a counselor/mediator involved before it got this late? If he couldn't open up to me after 25 years, then why couldn't there have been a neutral 3rd party involved instead of just the holy **** I'm leaving you and divorcing you moment?

 

3 weeks ago he was trying to watch TV when he was here. For years I've had just an antenna. Free you know? But there aren't many choices for channels. Bad signal too, etc. Two weeks ago he was trying to watch TV again. Same problems. So he says, "Why don't you just get Comcast in here?" (Local cable company). So I did. I was honestly sick of dealing with just an antenna anyway and all its' problems. But it comes with a 2 year commitment. Why was he encouraging me to make that commitment if he was out of here? I don't get that. At all.

 

I've been looking for a job and have a website that's emailing me leads and says who's hiring. There was one for an IT support job but required a home land line which we haven't had for years. I brought this up to him last Tuesday, the day he dropped the bomb, because I thought it wouldn't work. We DO have a land line to the house, but it's on a splitter-half is fax line and the other half Internet, so I was thinking that I could plug in a land line phone to it, which would work, but I also realized that I probably wouldn't have Internet access at the same time, and for this job, I needed both at the same time. I asked him about it Tuesday afternoon just to confirm and he told me to just get another phone line in here. That they were cheap. Just do it. This is another commitment he was encouraging me to make (another 2 year commitment) just hours before he dropped the bomb. I don't get why he has been telling me to make all of these commitments if he knew he was out of here. And knew I had absolutely no source of income.

 

I suppose in a way it was to encourage me to just get on with my own life, separate from his, but we don't have much money now since the business demise and these were financial commitments that I couldn't possibly meet. I'm just so lost. Oh. And we are in bankruptcy as well. The business/economy pretty much made that situation a reality.

 

All of my family is far away in NY and I've never had a lot of close friends. Never had time for them because all of my time has been devoted to him and his business. For years. And now I am so utterly alone. Can't sleep. Can't eat. Can't take care of my dogs. At all.

 

I have a simple root canal that was started July 6th that has a temp filling because the dentist was waiting until I got on his dental plan in September. And the tooth is starting to kill me. Had an appointment last Wednesday to get it taken care of but had to cancel, because I was in NO shape last Wednesday to function let alone following through with a dental appointment. So it's still an issue and I still am not functioning. :-( why did he put me on his dental plan a month ago if he knew he was going to do this? Why, between the cable thing, the land line thing, the putting me on his dental plan through his job, is he encouraging more entanglements and commitments if he'd already checked out and was gonna be out of here? Because these are all things that I will obviously have to do on my own. So why encourage/support the additional 'togetherness' if he was done with this? I am so confused.

 

I can't believe, reading through all of these posts, how much PAIN is out there on this website. It's unreal. I don't know how anyone gets through this. If a person can dump you after 25 years, with NO advanced warning, how do you ever EVER trust someone again? I guess I'm old fashioned but once I made this commitment it was forever. Or I guess it was forever until it became inconvenient for him. Oh man. I don't want to be a bitter old woman. I really don't.

 

I am so lost. Thanks for any words of advice. I am really in need right now. And thanks for reading and listening. Sorry it's so long. :-(

[paradigm shift]

Wow,Deb, our situations are very similar, and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

 

Sometimes I think that my husband thinks that if he could change that one thing that's "holding him back" everything else will be different as well. I can't say, because my husband is a lot like yours, never saying anything, passive aggressive.

 

Stay on his dental and get that tooth fixed. Right now you have to take care of you. I understand the not eating, not sleeping (I had to shrink my pants lol). There are people on here that have been through this and people who have healed and gone on. We will too, eventually.

 

(((Hugs)))

[debber01]

Thanks Paradigm. Our situations are so similar it's frightening.

 

And Hawaii, no we haven't talked. There IS no talking with us. Never has been. He's always been a sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist type of person. And funny. I've always been a communicator. But could never get him to communicate. And over the years I've become like him. Burying my head in the sand. Which is why I'm so blindsided by this.

 

In the past 3 months I've lost 3 of my dogs, one of which was my once in a lifetime dog. We also declared bankruptcy and now he's hit me with a divorce. All in the last 3 months. I mean really? Really? This is so surreal. And not to mention (sorry guys) I'm also going through menopause! Sorry if it sounds like I'm looking for sympathy, but, well, I guess I am. At least for now. :-(

[paradigm shift]

Hawaii, you have a point. I am a lot like Deb too, husband is a brewer, I am a yell and 5 minutes later, what do you want for dinner? Communication is not there at all and hasn't been especially in the past three years or so.

 

Deb, except for the bankruptcy, you are me...lol. It truly is sad and comforting at the same time to realize you are not the only person in the world this is happening to....