Tony & Dejette

[Joe]

I'm posting this message to Tony & Dejette because they have responsed several times to my post and "hopefully" remember my situation, I really don't feel like explaining my situation too long. Anyway something wonderful happened last night. I went over to my cousin's house like I always do after work. When I got there my cousin, her girlfriend, and a women that was in my high school graduation class were there drinking. So I sat down had a couple brews and socialized. Anyway too make a long story short me and my hs grad hooked up. It was great. She pleased me like I've never been pleased, I didn't want it to ever end. I tell you this was the best medicine for forgetting about my ex. Anyway my question is this. This women I hooked up with is very attractive and I like her but she doesn't want any serious relationship, as do I. But I don't want it to be just this one time, I would love to have a casual relationship with her, no strings, just some friendship and affection every now and then. So I am taking her to dinner tomorrow night and want to express this to her but I don't know how to go about it. I don't want to scare her off by acting like I need her but want her to know that it was wonderful and pleasing what happened the other night and would like it to happen again, that is what she is looking for also. But how do you express this to a woman??? I know you have to use a little different language with women you can't just be blunt. Please help.....

 

Thanks,

 

Joe

[Tony T]

First of all, Joe, you just don't need to go into what you're wanting with this girl the second time you see her. That is absolutely INSANE. You JUST got reaquainted with her. Go out with her, be a friend, be a little romantic but don't overdo it.

 

If you want a casual relationship with her right now, just have one...don't tell her that's what you want. Do you know just how nuts it sounds to a woman to hear that from a guy she hardly knows? It's been a while since high school.

 

Be really nice friends, don't call her too often, don't be her shadow and don't get in her face. After a bit of time, if she hasn't spoken first, tell her you really enjoy the relationship and let her know very clearly you understand she is NOT looking for a relationship. Make it clear to her that you enjoy her companionship, etc. as a friend and you hope it continues.

 

From my experience, every woman who is single and has a healthy hormone balance in the world is open to a relationship with the RIGHT person. So please understand that at some point, she will either want more from you or find it in another person.

 

So during your friendship with benefits relationship with your new lady buddy, be honest with yourself. You stated you want a relationship and this lady has told you that is NOT what she wants. So don't make the relationship exclusive. Date other ladies and keep your eyes out for the right person.

 

I would be willing to bet big bucks that this lady will come around really quick when she finds out you may be getting serious with somebody else. But what you do away from her is none of her business because you will not have a committed relationship with her.

 

Remember, don't pour your guts out to her this soon. Don't try to formalize any kind of relationship with her when you see her next time. For the life of me, I will never understand why so many people meet somebody and just find an incredible need to quickly define the relationship. Chill out. It's a long life and there are lots of people in the world to do all sorts of things with.

 

Enjoy your new friend but don't drive her away with a bunch of crazy talk. You've got a lot of time for that later on.

[Joe]

Tony.....I completely understand what your saying, believe me I would never spill my guts on a second meeting with a woman. However this situation is a little different, I guess I didn't give you enough details. Though I haven't seen this woman in a while she knows everything about me, or what she thinks. You see my cousin and her gf are very good friends with her and have filled her in on what happened with my last gf, etc. We both are attracted to each other and we had a very exciting night together. But I know from talking with my cousin and gf that she views me as attractive, sweet, caring, and NOT capable of having a casual or open relationship. But I am. People stereotype me thinking that he's sweet and caring so he couldn't possibly have an open relationship but they don't know about my wild side, sexually that is. So basically she has this view of me which is incorrect and I need to get across to her that I am capable of having the type of relationship she wants. If I don't hint to her that I am, she might completely push me away for fear of me wanting a serious relationship which is false.

 

Joe

[Tony T]

Go with your gut, you can never go wrong.

 

My gut says you need to play it cool here but it's your deal. Good luck with it.

[Deejette]

I think you can tell her about how you feel, that you do have a wilder side and are open to an open relationship. But are you really? Do you really feel OK if she also sees someone else sexually? Do you really think you can get physically close to more than one person?

 

From your postings, I intuit that deep down inside an open relationship is not really your style. You want more intimacy than that.

 

But this HS friend is a good start for you. You are getting back into the land of the living after the rough time you had over your breakup. The HS girl is perfect for this.

 

Just have a good time with her, be honest about your feelings, and see where it leads without defining the relationship too much.

Go with your gut, you can never go wrong.

 

My gut says you need to play it cool here but it's your deal. Good luck with it.