I'm the dumper- but can't let go of ex and miss him all the time

[lemondrops11]

Hey. I dumped my ex just over 4 months ago. I haven't seen him since we broke up, i've moved back home since graduating. I believe it was the right thing to break up as I could never see myself marrying him and his lifestyle would have frustated/upset me in the longterm. But I love him, he was my best friend and I miss him being in my life so much. I can't accept the reality that we pretty much have to be strangers now til the day I die. The hardest thing is keeping up NC but i've kept it up (which i had to initiate and maintain because he wanted to stay in contact as 'friends'). He's blocked on fbk too. I visited my old uni, where he's still based, this weeked. I thought of him the whole time and had to muster all the will power in the world not to contact him and to not cry walking past the places we'd go together. I don't want to give him breadcrumbs so i assume he thinks I've moved on since i haven't contacted.

 

Just wondering if any dumpers have found NC/ moving on this hard even though they know they've done the right thing? It tends to be dumpees on here saying how hard it is. I guess it doesn't help that i've struggled getting a job since graduating and miss uni and so I guess i miss having him there to talk to when feeling down. I feel like i'm never going to move on and makes it harder knowing he still loves me and i still love him but logically my head knows it's definitely right to not be with him. I hate that I might never see him again because i'll always have feelings

 

Any dumpers felt similar and how did you move on? Did you maintain NC?

[KatZee]

... I'm kind of confused here.

 

He loves you, you still love him and you think of him all the time... what exactly WAS the problem that can't be worked on or worked through?

[geegirl]

I could never see myself marrying him and his lifestyle would have frustated/upset me in the longterm.

 

Why?

 

(Ten characters)

[lemondrops11]

... I'm kind of confused here.

 

He loves you, you still love him and you think of him all the time... what exactly WAS the problem that can't be worked on or worked through?

 

I just had doubts from early on in the relationship about having a future together. Other than spending time with me, he was a videogame addict, barely left the house, has never left the country, had no ambition, had never had a Saturday job, did weed, mucked up his final uni year, was really messy. I'm hardworking, love to travel, socialise. Our reletionship was lovely though. He loved me a lot and we got on extremly well and had a beautiful and loving connection. But my head knew his lifestyle would annoy me. In the longterm, I would be the one sorting EVERYTHING practical, sorting out bills, decorating, looking after a family properly etc and his laziness would annoy me. He's 21, i'm 22 so stuff like this doesn't matter NOW but i could just foresee the future issues . So, my heart loves him and is infatuated but my head thinks very rationally

[Idive]

Wow, I wish I could pick your brain, because it sounds like you and my ex might have similar reasons. Except, I'm none of the things you described. We were both active, traveling types, successful in our careers. At least, all she told me was she thought our lifestyles were too different. She spent a lot of time doing sports, more so that me, but I have kids to deal with 1/2 of the week. I really don't see it as being so different we couldn't work it out. And yet she dumped me, weeks after telling me how it was the greatest relationship of her life.

Edited October 15, 2012 by Idive

[geegirl]

I just had doubts from early on in the relationship about having a future together. Other than spending time with me, he was a videogame addict, barely left the house, has never left the country, had no ambition, had never had a Saturday job, did weed, mucked up his final uni year, was really messy. I'm hardworking, love to travel, socialise. Our reletionship was lovely though. He loved me a lot and we got on extremly well and had a beautiful and loving connection. But my head knew his lifestyle would annoy me. In the longterm, I would be the one sorting EVERYTHING practical, sorting out bills, decorating, looking after a family properly etc and his laziness would annoy me. He's 21, i'm 22 so stuff like this doesn't matter NOW but i could just foresee the future issues . So, my heart loves him and is infatuated but my head thinks very rationally

 

My ex-husband was the same. Gaming addict. Quit his job. Stayed home and did nothing. Messy as hell. Took him about 6 years after the divorce to find stability. I was the complete opposite.

 

You were right in breaking up because a relationship that does not carry the same values and ambitions by both parties, will ultimate be diseased by resentment and die.

 

Please stay NC. As a dumpee, it would be the kind thing to do to let them go. You have to deal with your own feelings and find ways to cope rather than depend on the person you rejected to fix your feelings. When you made the choice to end, you made the choice to let this man out of your life. It is something you have to live with. He cannot mend that for you. Just as you see dumpees on here struggling with contact, you must learn to cope with your feelings on your own just as he did after you had the break-up. He is not there to be your crutch.

[lemondrops11]

My ex-husband was the same. Gaming addict. Quit his job. Stayed home and did nothing. Messy as hell. Took him about 6 years after the divorce to find stability. I was the complete opposite.

 

You were right in breaking up because a relationship that does not carry the same values and ambitions by both parties, will ultimate be diseased by resentment and die.

 

Please stay NC. As a dumpee, it would be the kind thing to do to let them go. You have to deal with your own feelings and find ways to cope rather than depend on the person you rejected to fix your feelings. When you made the choice to end, you made the choice to let this man out of your life. It is something you have to live with. He cannot mend that for you. Just as you see dumpees on here struggling with contact, you must learn to cope with your feelings on your own just as he did after you had the break-up. He is not there to be your crutch.

 

Thanks for your reply, I know you're right that I just have to find ways to cope without him and I will keep up the NC for both our sakes. Just feels like I'm a dumpee a lot of the time because of how much I still love & miss him! Also, I (stupidly, in hindsight) put up with his habits without saying much when we were together so we hardly argued and so I i don't have many negative memories to think about which makes it harder.

 

But i'll keep up the NC and I hope our break up is a catalyst for him to change his habits (which he reckons it will be) even if that's means never being in each other's lives again.

 

Can I ask, when you say your husband found stability after 6 years, do you mean he quite his gaming addiction and was a more eligable person at this point?

[KatZee]

I just had doubts from early on in the relationship about having a future together. Other than spending time with me, he was a videogame addict, barely left the house, has never left the country, had no ambition, had never had a Saturday job, did weed, mucked up his final uni year, was really messy. I'm hardworking, love to travel, socialise. Our reletionship was lovely though. He loved me a lot and we got on extremly well and had a beautiful and loving connection. But my head knew his lifestyle would annoy me. In the longterm, I would be the one sorting EVERYTHING practical, sorting out bills, decorating, looking after a family properly etc and his laziness would annoy me. He's 21, i'm 22 so stuff like this doesn't matter NOW but i could just foresee the future issues . So, my heart loves him and is infatuated but my head thinks very rationally

 

Oh OK. These aren't simple fixable issues. Complete compatibility problems here. One of my past exes sounds like yours. He was a gamer and spent all his time playing World of Warcraft. Never left his room. It was like pulling teeth trying to get him out of the house. He wasn't going to school and had a real simple job. He was into smoking weed frequently too and he'd often just go to sleep when I showed up to hang out.

 

OK, so I get it now. You'll find someone who will treat you good and be on the same page compatibility wise. You're doing the right thing here.

[geegirl]

Can I ask, when you say your husband found stability after 6 years, do you mean he quite his gaming addiction and was a more eligable person at this point?

 

He is still a gamer. When I say stability, meaning sometime last year he found a stable job because his sister was tired of supporting him while he breezed through life. He is 44 now. He still lives in one of her properties and a few months ago contacted me complaining about why he can't live there for free since she has money and should support him.

 

Don't wait around for change.

 

Seek a partner that shares your life goals rather than someone that you need to change to fit you.