First experience of an A

[Got it]

Great post, James. Fair, considerate, and balanced.

[Pierre]

As a MM who is older than 38, I would (kinda) love having a 20 year old woman think of me as you do him, but honestly, I would feel guilty of ruining your life and future...even though you don't realize it.

 

For every naive OW out there there is a cunning MM who takes advantage of her. It takes a man with no character to knowingly ruin the life of a woman. or perhaps a man that is so selfish to meet his so-called needs that he cannot see how much damage he is causing to the OW, the wife, and the kids at home.

[Sauron]

I am a MM with a mistress for the last 7 years. You are getting advice from a lot of posters that constantly judge human realtionships in a very negative way, have a very narrowminded view of the world and many are bitter and vindicative. I have been on here since August and its the same thing over and over again. As one told you, which I believe to be accurate, only you 2 can define the realtionship. I say realtionships take lots of different forms that are entirely unique. You never know what direction your's is going to end up taking.

 

Your MM man is correct that whatever the outcome, none of it is on you. It's on him. He is the one that is making the decsion to be with you, he is the one that is accountable to his family, not you. And if your affair with him surfaces it's his to deal with.

 

And you are young, why not this expiernce? You have the rest of your life to live. If this doen't go like you want, move on to the next thing. At the end of the day just think for yourself. Some of these folks would like to tatoo a big red letter A on your forehead. Good luck to you.

[2sunny]

I am a MM with a mistress for the last 7 years. You are getting advice from a lot of posters that constantly judge human realtionships in a very negative way, have a very narrowminded view of the world and many are bitter and vindicative. I have been on here since August and its the same thing over and over again. As one told you, which I believe to be accurate, only you 2 can define the realtionship. I say realtionships take lots of different forms that are entirely unique. You never know what direction your's is going to end up taking.

 

Your MM man is correct that whatever the outcome, none of it is on you. It's on him. He is the one that is making the decsion to be with you, he is the one that is accountable to his family, not you. And if your affair with him surfaces it's his to deal with.

 

And you are young, why not this expiernce? You have the rest of your life to live. If this doen't go like you want, move on to the next thing. At the end of the day just think for yourself. Some of these folks would like to tatoo a big red letter A on your forehead. Good luck to you.

 

Why not?

 

Because she stated that it makes her value herself less!!!

 

You encouraging her to feel badly about her self worth is NOT HELPING her!!!

[Kisa]

From my experience, this will end and you will be heartbroken and lost. I believed my x MM That his life was horrible and I was the only thing that made him happy. Well, long story short, I wasted years, money, my self worth. It took time to realize what really happened and what MM was really up too. He had a wonderful family and I thought of them as monsters. I thought I was his only OW as well, and later revealed he had ONS whenever he was out of town, and was trying to find another OW in each city he traveled for business.

 

There are good guys out there. Don't put yourself in this situation to hurt and disrespect yourself any longer. You deserve to enjoy your life and you are very young.

 

Break away

[skywriter]

[QUOTE=Kisa;4330072]From my experience, this will end and you will be heartbroken and lost. I believed my x MM That his life was horrible and I was the only thing that made him happy. Well, long story short, I wasted years, money, my self worth. It took time to realize what really happened and what MM was really up too. He had a wonderful family and I thought of them as monsters. I thought I was his only OW as well, and later revealed he had ONS whenever he was out of town, and was trying to find another OW in each city he traveled for business.

 

There are good guys out there. Don't put yourself in this situation to hurt and disrespect yourself any longer. You deserve to enjoy your life and you are very young.

 

Break away

 

Kisa,

 

Good advice....i had the same experience and wouldn't wish it on anyone, even if they, like myself, are responsible for having chosen to be in the A.

Edited October 16, 2012 by skywriter

[JamesM]

I am a MM with a mistress for the last 7 years. You are getting advice from a lot of posters that constantly judge human realtionships in a very negative way, have a very narrowminded view of the world and many are bitter and vindicative. I have been on here since August and its the same thing over and over again.

 

I disagree. I have a very positive outlook on relationships...and have even supported OWs who many times I feel are innocent victims of men who are trying to keep a marriage and still have their own needs met.

 

I don't think my view is vindictive nor narrow-minded. My biggest concern is for how I think the OP will be hurt before this is all over.

 

As one told you, which I believe to be accurate, only you 2 can define the realtionship.

 

This is true to an extent, but I think the MM is the one who gets to define this affair. He is going to decide how long it lasts and when it will end on his terms...unless she decides to take control...whether she stays or goes.

 

I say realtionships take lots of different forms that are entirely unique. You never know what direction your's is going to end up taking.

 

True, but statistics show that by far most affairs end in hurt and disappointment. Very few end happily. And in this case, it is certain that at minimal the wife and children will be hurt.

 

Your MM man is correct that whatever the outcome, none of it is on you. It's on him. He is the one that is making the decsion to be with you, he is the one that is accountable to his family, not you. And if your affair with him surfaces it's his to deal with.

 

Partially true. Having just read the book by Rielle Hunter, the mistress of John Edwards, it is far from the complete truth. The OW gets hurt tremendously when an affair ends and in many cases is betrayed by the man she loved..after he betrayed his wife for her. While it is on him, it will hurt her.

 

I am not going to say that this is guaranteed to end in pain for the OP, but statistically it most likely will. In Rielle's case, despite all of the pain and public humiliation she endured, she obtained much good from it including her daughter...and now John Edwards since his wife died.

 

And you are young, why not this expiernce?

 

Perhaps because it will cause alot of pain and probably not as much pleasure when all is said and done.

 

You have the rest of your life to live.

 

Not to be spiritual or philosophical, but no one knows what "the rest" means. Why spend it hurting others when you can spend it helping others?

 

If this doen't go like you want, move on to the next thing.

 

So simple yet so ignorant of the pain that probably will result from this "thing."

 

At the end of the day just think for yourself.

 

But truthfully, it may be better to also think of the wife and children that are sitting at home thinking of daddy and hubby, who may have told them he is "working."

 

Some of these folks would like to tatoo a big red letter A on your forehead. Good luck to you.

 

No, I for one do not do that. I do agree that the OP is a victim of a MM who is using her to get what he wants as evidenced by his lack of disclosure about his marriage. And pretending that they do not exist by not speaking of them doesn't help.

 

Sauron, I have defended you on other threads, and I do think your opinion is helpful for others like you. I don't think it behooves you to categorize all other posters as vindictive. Honestly, as someone old enough to be the OP's father, I see an older man approaching 40 who is getting his thrills from a young woman.

 

Danilove....

 

please realize that this relationship is not just about him, and you are his helpless victim who had no choice in the matter. While you did not give alot of details about his marriage, I must assume that it is somewhat happy. I assume he has young children who call him daddy with that respectful adoring look in their eyes. I can only imagine the hurt they will feel if this all ends badly for their daddy. You say it doesn't hurt anyone, but having children myself, I can't bear to think of the pain and confusion these children will have if their home breaks up because of a fling their father had.

 

I know of the excitement that an affair will bring. I know that it gives those special feelings inside. I know how this MM can escape from his life. I know that he is telling you not to feel guilty so that you don't leave him. I know that you console yourself that this can be kept separate from his family.

 

But I also know that this is a facade that will break down at some point. It may be much sooner than you think. Perhaps even tonight, his wife will find and email or a text from or to you. And as they say, the sh+t will hit the fan, and your life will change.

 

You have control. You can decide. It is not as if you are a slave to him...although he will do what he can to keep you. His soothing and pleading voice will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Think not only of you, but of his wife and especially his children.

 

Unless this wife is making his life miserable and he has every reason to leave (which may be the truth), expect him to end this when he wants and return to her...whether she ever finds out about the affair or not.

 

Please consider this all as not anger or vindictiveness. Consider it caring and friendly advice...as I would give my own daughter.

 

As Sauron said, good luck.

[danilove]

Thanks everyone for posting, I am reading everything everyone has said and really thinking about this, I wish I could turn around and say yes you're all right I'm going to end it but I would just be lying.

 

It's hard because even though I know and I have said it's wrong, the selfish part of me really doesn't want it to end.

 

Even if I do end it it's going to be really hard as I will still have to see him he's won me over before how do I know he wont again.

 

I know I will sound stupid and naive but I don't believe that he lies to me, everything I have asked him he always seems to give me a truthful answer.

 

At the moment I've never asked about the future, I'm not kidding myself into thinking he will leave his family and I would never ask that he do that I just really enjoy spending time with him so this is what makes me so hesitant to stop:(

 

I don't know, it's all just so confusing!:confused:

[whichwayisup]

I know I will sound stupid and naive but I don't believe that he lies to me, everything I have asked him he always seems to give me a truthful answer.

As time goes on, you'll learn from experience and suffer much pain. Just hope you shield your heart as this roller coaster ride you're about to go on will kill you inside. And it'll ruin who you are, make you into someone you never thought you could be. Many OW need therapy for years after an A ends and blows up, many are shattered beyond belief.

 

At the moment I've never asked about the future, I'm not kidding myself into thinking he will leave his family and I would never ask that he do that I just really enjoy spending time with him so this is what makes me so hesitant to stop

 

Then accept things as they are. Enjoy it while it lasts and don't put any expectations on him. It is what it is..An affair - To have fun and sex, on HIS terms and time frame. Be okay with being second fiddle in his life.

[Owl]

Just remember this...you are NOT helpless.

 

You are exactly where you have decided to be.

 

You will end up exactly where you have chosen to go.

 

You're not trapped, you're not incapable of making a decision, and you are fully responsible for the outcomes and repercussions of your own decisions.

 

You have the power to change (or not change) the situation as you choose. Not changing is a choice. Changing it is a choice.

 

Where you're at now is not an accident. It's the result of your choices. Where you end up in the future is also a result of your choices.

 

Good luck to you.

[Quiet Storm]

I know its not right what I'm doing, I didn't plan it, it just happened. I tend not to try think about his wife or kids I've asked him not to talk about them to me, I know its not ok but to me if I don't think about them I don't feel so bad.

 

Your feelings are warning bells that are shouting "This isn't right for me!"

 

Pushing those feelings down, asking him not to talk about his family so you don't feel bad... that is called denial.

 

You are having those feelings for a reason, and it would be beneficial if you would listen to those feelings, instead of trying to ignore them.

[MissBee]

Sauron:

 

Seriously, this is a naive 20 year old kid that is screwed up and needs external validation to survive. She has zero self esteem and the only way for her to feel good about herself is to find a smooth MM that wants her.

 

This is like stealing candy from a child. This 38 year old man has no conscience. He is only concerned with finding a young vagina to put his penis in. The collateral damage to this young woman is not important.

 

This is not your typical embittered 40 year old OW that has given up dating single men and has now moved to the second tier of cheating MM. This is a very young woman that still has a chance to get it together.

 

I agreed. As I told dani, it's one thing if she seemed to have it together, because some OW do make this choice and seem a bit more confident etc. She does not seem that way in the least. There is obviously a power imbalance, she has said she has no self esteem and that he controls her because she "needs structure"...so why would ANYONE hear this and say "Why not...sounds awesome!".

 

As I said, I don't care about the A itself so much as everything else that seems awry. It would appear as though some people want to champion the cause of As no matter what, without even reading the OP's situation and trying to step outside of the defense of As as a whole, in order to realize that maybe this is a bad idea for the OP.

[skywriter]

I know I will sound stupid and naive but I don't believe that he lies to me, everything I have asked him he always seems to give me a truthful answer.

Dani,

 

I was of the same frame of mind about the exMM. They can be convincing.

 

I was told that I was his first and only AP. I didn't ask if I were. He volunteered this untruth, just because....

 

I'm sure it was to make me feel special.

 

I wish that I'd have had all these good folks offering me this information when I was in the first three months of my A.

 

It seems evident from your replies that you aren't ready for the end yet.

 

You can only hope that you do not experience a dday.

 

All these helpful post will come flooding back to you and it'll be too late.

[MissBee]

One of the biggest mistakes OW make is telling themselves that just because they don't want the MM to leave, they won't get hurt or attached and things will be fine....

 

FALSE!

 

Emotions don't work in that way...and especially for someone like Dani who doesn't seem self assured, confident or assertive, I can see her becoming terribly caught up in this situation and devastated when it ends.

[Sauron]

I disagree. I have a very positive outlook on relationships...and have even supported OWs who many times I feel are innocent victims of men who are trying to keep a marriage and still have their own needs met.

 

I don't think my view is vindictive nor narrow-minded. My biggest concern is for how I think the OP will be hurt before this is all over.

 

 

 

This is true to an extent, but I think the MM is the one who gets to define this affair. He is going to decide how long it lasts and when it will end on his terms...unless she decides to take control...whether she stays or goes.

 

 

 

True, but statistics show that by far most affairs end in hurt and disappointment. Very few end happily. And in this case, it is certain that at minimal the wife and children will be hurt.

 

 

 

Partially true. Having just read the book by Rielle Hunter, the mistress of John Edwards, it is far from the complete truth. The OW gets hurt tremendously when an affair ends and in many cases is betrayed by the man she loved..after he betrayed his wife for her. While it is on him, it will hurt her.

 

I am not going to say that this is guaranteed to end in pain for the OP, but statistically it most likely will. In Rielle's case, despite all of the pain and public humiliation she endured, she obtained much good from it including her daughter...and now John Edwards since his wife died.

 

 

 

Perhaps because it will cause alot of pain and probably not as much pleasure when all is said and done.

 

 

 

Not to be spiritual or philosophical, but no one knows what "the rest" means. Why spend it hurting others when you can spend it helping others?

 

 

 

So simple yet so ignorant of the pain that probably will result from this "thing."

 

 

 

But truthfully, it may be better to also think of the wife and children that are sitting at home thinking of daddy and hubby, who may have told them he is "working."

 

 

 

No, I for one do not do that. I do agree that the OP is a victim of a MM who is using her to get what he wants as evidenced by his lack of disclosure about his marriage. And pretending that they do not exist by not speaking of them doesn't help.

 

Sauron, I have defended you on other threads, and I do think your opinion is helpful for others like you. I don't think it behooves you to categorize all other posters as vindictive. Honestly, as someone old enough to be the OP's father, I see an older man approaching 40 who is getting his thrills from a young woman.

 

Danilove....

 

please realize that this relationship is not just about him, and you are his helpless victim who had no choice in the matter. While you did not give alot of details about his marriage, I must assume that it is somewhat happy. I assume he has young children who call him daddy with that respectful adoring look in their eyes. I can only imagine the hurt they will feel if this all ends badly for their daddy. You say it doesn't hurt anyone, but having children myself, I can't bear to think of the pain and confusion these children will have if their home breaks up because of a fling their father had.

 

I know of the excitement that an affair will bring. I know that it gives those special feelings inside. I know how this MM can escape from his life. I know that he is telling you not to feel guilty so that you don't leave him. I know that you console yourself that this can be kept separate from his family.

 

But I also know that this is a facade that will break down at some point. It may be much sooner than you think. Perhaps even tonight, his wife will find and email or a text from or to you. And as they say, the sh+t will hit the fan, and your life will change.

 

You have control. You can decide. It is not as if you are a slave to him...although he will do what he can to keep you. His soothing and pleading voice will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Think not only of you, but of his wife and especially his children.

 

Unless this wife is making his life miserable and he has every reason to leave (which may be the truth), expect him to end this when he wants and return to her...whether she ever finds out about the affair or not.

 

Please consider this all as not anger or vindictiveness. Consider it caring and friendly advice...as I would give my own daughter.

 

As Sauron said, good luck.

 

 

I never named any specific posters. We all have an opinion, I just voiced mine. I believe in the ability to agree to disagree and still be civil, which is a difficult concept for some. Thank you for your comments to my opinion.

[Sauron]

Sauron:

 

Seriously, this is a naive 20 year old kid that is screwed up and needs external validation to survive. She has zero self esteem and the only way for her to feel good about herself is to find a smooth MM that wants her.

 

This is like stealing candy from a child. This 38 year old man has no conscience. He is only concerned with finding a young vagina to put his penis in. The collateral damage to this young woman is not important.

 

This is not your typical embittered 40 year old OW that has given up dating single men and has now moved to the second tier of cheating MM. This is a very young woman that still has a chance to get it together.

 

I believe that I mentioned she can move on if this isn't working for her. In the eyes of the State she is a legal adult, is she not? Unfortunately experience is the best teacher at times, and some lessons are hard to learn. I stand by my opinion.

[Sauron]

I know I will sound stupid and naive but I don't believe that he lies to me, everything I have asked him he always seems to give me a truthful answer.

Dani,

 

I was of the same frame of mind about the exMM. They can be convincing.

 

I was told that I was his first and only AP. I didn't ask if I were. He volunteered this untruth, just because....

 

I'm sure it was to make me feel special.

 

I wish that I'd have had all these good folks offering me this information when I was in the first three months of my A.

 

It seems evident from your replies that you aren't ready for the end yet.

 

You can only hope that you do not experience a dday.

 

All these helpful post will come flooding back to you and it'll be too late.

 

I never lied to my OW about any detail. And before you all jump me about my OOW, OW never asked if I was seeing anyone else. Of course I didn't volunteer it either. Not all MM lie to get in your pants.

[Sauron]

Why not?

 

Because she stated that it makes her value herself less!!!

 

You encouraging her to feel badly about her self worth is NOT HELPING her!!!

 

She can think for herself. She feels bad because society has conditioned her to feel bad about something that she readily admits she enjoys. Way too much of that in my opinion.

[Sauron]

Would you want your 18 year old daughter to be some 38 old mm's ow, Sauron?

 

What if she admitted she felt powerless, had no self confidence and had daddy issues, would that be ok with you? The OP said this about herself.

 

Doesn't that hit you as a bit of a perv? You don't find that disturbing?

 

 

The OP is 20. My daughters make their own decisions, as they are adults like the OP. You only see the downside of this situation. Perhaps MM will help her feel better about herself, point her in the right direction and help her on her way, wherever that turns out to be, provide some life lessons. It is just as probable of an outcome as ruining her. Not all of us are involved to take and not give.

[2sunny]

The OP is 20. My daughters make their own decisions, as they are adults like the OP. You only see the downside of this situation. Perhaps MM will help her feel better about herself, point her in the right direction and help her on her way, wherever that turns out to be, provide some life lessons. It is just as probable of an outcome as ruining her. Not all of us are involved to take and not give.

 

But she has stated this brings her self doubt and low self worth. Would you want your D choosing THAT?

 

Do YOU think that's good for her?

[nofool4u]

Hi - I've been reading these forums for the last month or so having recently become involved in an A, it was accidental I had no plans or intentions to do so but I also have no plans or intentions to end it. I know it will end eventually but I don't see why I should stop something that we both enjoy until we have to?

 

How about because you are hurting other people in the process. Do you even care?

 

People like to do what they want even if its at the expense of others.

[nofool4u]

As he has told me, it's not me who is hurting them it's him and thats something that he has to live with, to me I don't know them and I owe them nothing

 

 

You don't owe them decency and compassion?

 

Nice.

[truthbetold]

Dani,

 

The control issue is HUGE. I can't emphasize that enough. Control only gets worse no matter the situation. It may seem all appealing now, but as you come into your own and have your own thoughts and feelings the more you will try to assert them, the worse it will be with him. And Dani you DO need to assert your own thoughts and feelings. It's never good to just be an extension of someone elses.

 

Also, pay attention to the poster (s) that will come and try to discredit a group by calling them bitter. First off the majority here are not bitter, it comes from a place of caring, to help someone not make mistakes that will lead to inevitable pain. Sure we have to learn our own lessons but sometimes you don't have to touch that stove to know it's hot and you'll get burned. Sometimes just others telling you that taught you to stay away.

 

As I said, most are coming from a caring place. Look at their words Dani, has anyone called you names? They may have called you on your behavior, but Dani you are responsible for that. You are part of hurting someone you can't just deny it and make it go away. If you don't want to be that person that you have to change that action, you can't change how you're wired if it's causing discomfort and it obviously is.

 

Now look at any poster (s) that will need to discredit others to make their voice supposedly louder. Why do they need to do that? If their stance was so strong then it would stand on it's own, they wouldn't need to mudsling much like politicians to advance their agenda. Some people Dani just don't want any other position to be recognized.

 

In the end Dani it is a choice. YOUR choice and realize that. We all owe compassion and caring to our fellow human beings we just do. If people stop caring about the affects of others, then THAT is the demise of society. I learned after I learned to love myself (and by that I mean who I am, imperfections and all) I turned it outward. To try to give back to others. THAT's what creates inner happiness. Believe it or not being selfish does NOT create happiness and SOME people really do put OTHERS first. so by not doing outward selfish things, but turning your focus to others can bring happiness to you.

 

You sound very very unhappy despite all you say he brings for you, I really wish you peace and happiness, YOU have the keys to open that door and be on the right path, I hope you find your way.

Edited October 16, 2012 by truthbetold

[Sauron]

Lots of the same opinions and a very few alternatives. At the end of the day this poster will decide what's best for her all by herself. If she really has low self esteem issues before she came here, they probably reached a new low after she has been here. Such a warm welcome newbies get here. Regardless I have expressed my opinion, have a nice evening.

[Pierre]

I never lied to my OW about any detail. And before you all jump me about my OOW, OW never asked if I was seeing anyone else. Of course I didn't volunteer it either. Not all MM lie to get in your pants.

 

Many MMs have radar for needy women and guys like you say what they want to hear.

 

For youit is a game, but many of these OWs are rather vulnerable and they fall in love very hard. They have an enormous need and guys like you are masters and dealing with these women. You guys have a special radar to find them.