First experience of an A

[freestyle]

Danilove---I've never been an OW myself, but I was the close friend on the sidelines, watching one of my dearest female friends go through it.

 

Same as you--she had NO idea he was in a long-term , committed relationship (gf of 12 years) for the first six months they dated. By that time, she was hooked---so finding out he wasn't really available wasn't enough to make her end it.

 

I spent hours on the phone with her, supporting her, lending an ear, and watching her self-esteem plummet into nearly nothing. She tried repeatedly to end it, only to keep getting sucked back in by phony promises.

 

It broke my heart to watch that happening with someone I cared about.....

 

There's a bottom line--he lied to you for six months.

 

Even if he did become available for a full-time relationship with you---will you ever be able to really trust him?

[mercy]

I never lied to my OW about any detail. And before you all jump me about my OOW, OW never asked if I was seeing anyone else. Of course I didn't volunteer it either. Not all MM lie to get in your pants.

 

 

 

:laugh:

 

Oh, you were serious...

[mercy]

 

You know I've always liked your posts. Even when I didn't agree with the content, I always thought that your tone was nice, that you didn't try and be cruel to people and that you at least listened to what people were trying to say and you were thoughtful. Twice in the last few days I've seen you post stuff like this that makes me think you must be having a bad week.

I hope it gets better.

 

Thank you!

 

His post really did make me laugh. He talked about omitting the truth, then said, MM don't lie. It was honestly funny! Do you not see the irony in that?

 

I don't have a cruel bone in my body.

[2sunny]

There are many forms of lying - one is omit your truth.

 

It's still lying!

[whichwayisup]

I never lied to my OW about any detail. And before you all jump me about my OOW, OW never asked if I was seeing anyone else. Of course I didn't volunteer it either.

 

You don't see that 'omitting' info about your OOW is the more or less the same as lying to your OW? And don't put this on her, of course she doesn't think you're seeing another OW. She trusts you! As far as she's concerned, you're lying to your wife by having an affair with her and she's OK with that.

 

She will NOT be okay with you 'omitting' the fact that you have another OW on the side as well as her.

 

This whole thing is pretty f'ed up.

[2sunny]

You don't see that 'omitting' info about your OOW is the more or less the same as lying to your OW? And don't put this on her, of course she doesn't think you're seeing another OW. She trusts you! As far as she's concerned, you're lying to your wife by having an affair with her and she's OK with that.

 

She will NOT be okay with you 'omitting' the fact that you have another OW on the side as well as her.

 

This whole thing is pretty f'ed up.

 

She might be okay with it - this MM has to buy his OW off - he pays them to stay round. He's as good as hired prostitutes...

[Sauron]

She might be okay with it - this MM has to buy his OW off - he pays them to stay round. He's as good as hired prostitutes...

 

Hey OP,this post is an example of what I am talking about, this is not so much bitter as it is just plain mean and nasty-which I am used to since I have been here. This poster doesn't know me or my OW except what I have shared on this site, yet she is referring to my OW as a prostitute because I unilaterally chose to offer my OW finacial support and take care of her, even though I have stated numerous times my OW never asked me for a thing, and this is not the only poster that has made this inference. So I suppose if your realtionship with your MM progresses and he wants to help you start going to college, or help you when you get in a tight spot, or offers to help fix your car so you can keep working that makes you a prostitute. Some of these folks are incapable of seeing that at the end of the day that really what these realtionships boil down to are just 2 humans involved in a human realtionship. They only see this as a negative situation, only ever see the bad and never the good.

 

As I stated in my earlier post to you, I think your MM is probably being honest with you- not all MM are all slime balls looking for quick sex, we care, we have empathy, we feel confliction and every other human emotion. I also think that you can accidentally end up in an affair. In my situation with my OW I never intended to start an ongoing long term affair with her. It just started evolving that way little by little. Really think long and hard about the advice you get here. Good luck to you.

[Sauron]

Many MMs have radar for needy women and guys like you say what they want to hear.

 

For youit is a game, but many of these OWs are rather vulnerable and they fall in love very hard. They have an enormous need and guys like you are masters and dealing with these women. You guys have a special radar to find them.

 

Well I wouldn't say that I have a special radar for needy, vulnerable women or that it is a game. I have had lots of realtionships that were short term in their nature, based on phyiscal needs by both of us. I would say that my realtionship with my OW is something entirely different. I would submit that we both are invested, have similar interests and enjoy each other's company, defined the rules of engagement early on and have very candid dialogue about our realtionship. If we would have done the eharmony thing we would have had lots of compatiability matches. She doesn't want anything more and neither do I, we are perfectly happy the way it is. If the OP is getting a need met from this realtionship I don't see the harm. It is the MM who is taking the risk in this equation, he is the one that is putting it on the line to have a realtionship with this OP, risking half of his assets, flirting with a divorce and seperation from his kids and if his affair surfaces suffering all the judgemental BS that goes with it. So I would say to the OP that if he is risking all of that to have a realtionship with you that you must be pretty special in his view to take the risks he is taking to be with you.

[Sauron]

You don't see that 'omitting' info about your OOW is the more or less the same as lying to your OW? And don't put this on her, of course she doesn't think you're seeing another OW. She trusts you! As far as she's concerned, you're lying to your wife by having an affair with her and she's OK with that.

 

She will NOT be okay with you 'omitting' the fact that you have another OW on the side as well as her.

 

This whole thing is pretty f'ed up.

 

This is not realted to the topic. Please feel free to start another thread and I will be glad to address this issue. Not everyone has an all or nothing mentality. And you have no idea what she will be OK with or not. Not everyone thinks like you do.

[woinlove]

Thank you!

 

His post really did make me laugh. He talked about omitting the truth, then said, MM don't lie. It was honestly funny! Do you not see the irony in that?

 

I don't have a cruel bone in my body.

 

Funny or sad, or a bit a both, but nothing is going to change, so perhaps go with funny.

 

I share your value on honesty but, clearly, not everyone does and some think as long as you don't know the truth, it is fine.

 

Danilove, best not to assume MM is honest. I was with a MM who left his wife and wanted to be with me, had no reason to lie to me, and yet still did and I only found out much later. His view was he thought it didn't matter and I'd be happier not knowing. Some people are just dishonest and it can be difficult for those who value honesty and are honest in their intimate relationships to understand and often to recognize such people.

 

Not everyone is capable of lying to and deceiving the family (and chances are MM is deceiving his child as most children are very inquisitive, want to know where you are and what you are doing.) If you are not the kind that would not capable of treating their spouses and children that way, you may not appreciate that such people often lie when there isn't even any reason to lie. They may lie just because there might be a chance they should or just to make it a bit simpler to get what they want.

 

You are so young and I think it is sad that you are in an affair with a MM, and I wish you would see that, but I can see that you want to continue even if it is causing you some guilt and bad feelings now. So, my best advice is to use protection, don't pick up an STD or get pregnant, and don't assume anything MM says is true just because he is saying it. Watch out for yourself. Also, it would be so much better if you could find someone in real life to confide it. I think that would help a lot.

 

Also, if you decide to keep going with the A, and you drop away from LS, you might want to come back and re-read this thread as well as start a new one. Many OW who at the time don't want to end it, later come to see how all the advice that they do end things and why is really helpful when they are ready. Unfortunately, for some, that realization comes years later. I really hope it comes sooner for you, danilove.

 

Those who have been in affairs for years and don't want to end it, obviously feel different and they are suggesting the advice here is not useful. People who eventually do not want to be in an A feel quite differently.

Edited October 17, 2012 by woinlove

[skywriter]

Sauron ,It is the MM who is taking the risk in this equation, he is the one that is putting it on the line to have a realtionship with this OP, risking half of his assets, flirting with a divorce and seperation from his kids and if his affair surfaces suffering all the judgemental BS that goes with it. So I would say to the OP that if he is risking all of that to have a realtionship with you that you must be pretty special in his view to take the risks he is taking to be with you.

 

I am completely befuddled by this perception. I mean, wow....my brain is drunk with confusion. Just speechless....sorry....

 

Fooling yourself and ya don't believe it.....

[Pierre]

Well I wouldn't say that I have a special radar for needy, vulnerable women or that it is a game. I have had lots of realtionships that were short term in their nature, based on phyiscal needs by both of us. I would say that my realtionship with my OW is something entirely different. I would submit that we both are invested, have similar interests and enjoy each other's company, defined the rules of engagement early on and have very candid dialogue about our realtionship.

 

 

OK, birds of the same feather fly together. At least the two of you are married. However, OP is single and quite young. MM is almost twice her age and is using her.

 

 

It is the MM who is taking the risk in this equation, he is the one that is putting it on the line to have a realtionship with this OP, risking half of his assets, flirting with a divorce and seperation from his kids and if his affair surfaces suffering all the judgemental BS that goes with it. So I would say to the OP that if he is risking all of that to have a realtionship with you that you must be pretty special in his view to take the risks he is taking to be with you.

 

I have never met a philanderer that does not cheat for fear of being caught. :laugh:

[eleanorrigby]

Sauron, it seems like every time you make an appearance in a thread that it becomes about you and your affairs.

Can you please help the focus shift back to this young girl?

[2sunny]

Hey OP,this post is an example of what I am talking about, this is not so much bitter as it is just plain mean and nasty-which I am used to since I have been here. This poster doesn't know me or my OW except what I have shared on this site, yet she is referring to my OW as a prostitute because I unilaterally chose to offer my OW finacial support and take care of her, even though I have stated numerous times my OW never asked me for a thing, and this is not the only poster that has made this inference. So I suppose if your realtionship with your MM progresses and he wants to help you start going to college, or help you when you get in a tight spot, or offers to help fix your car so you can keep working that makes you a prostitute. Some of these folks are incapable of seeing that at the end of the day that really what these realtionships boil down to are just 2 humans involved in a human realtionship. They only see this as a negative situation, only ever see the bad and never the good.

 

As I stated in my earlier post to you, I think your MM is probably being honest with you- not all MM are all slime balls looking for quick sex, we care, we have empathy, we feel confliction and every other human emotion. I also think that you can accidentally end up in an affair. In my situation with my OW I never intended to start an ongoing long term affair with her. It just started evolving that way little by little. Really think long and hard about the advice you get here. Good luck to you.

 

It's not bitter- you're right.... But it is true based on the things you've typed.

 

Makes one wonder if you were broke and couldn't give them a thing - would they stick around?

 

The fat remains - you haven't outright told your wife exactly what you're doing and you also haven't told the whole truth to all these other women.

 

You simply can't be totally honest = that might take away the excitement you crave, yes? The "secret" that's so fun to you but so degrading to these other women.

 

And IF they knew your truth - the whole truth - they might not stay.

 

But then you would just easily replace them with a new batch of players you could "omit your truth" to and start again.

 

They may not even like you - they may like the money - how could you know = you can't! And there's no truth in the basis for all those delusions.

 

Your foundation is built on quick sand without offering your truth of what's REALLY happening.

 

To the OP - this is the kind of crappy so called "relationship" a married man offers. Lies and deception based on "things he's not willing to tell you" - it will always leave you wondering why you handed over "YOUR peace of mind".

[2sunny]

Sauron, it seems like every time you make an appearance in a thread that it becomes about you and your affairs.

Can you please help the focus shift back to this young girl?

 

Because with a MM like him - its ALL ABOUT HIM.

 

OP - you paying attention? It's ALWAYS going to be about what your MM wants - not necessarily about what YOU want and DESERVE!

 

You deserve better!

[2sunny]

And Sauron - IF you were so proud of yourself - and proud of your actions - and thought highly of yourself and those actions = YOU wouldn't have a need to keep it a secret...

 

 

Are you reading Dani?

 

You want to be some MM's dirty little secret? That automatically allows MM to taint your position as 'inferior' when HE needs to avoid talking to you in public because he knows someone "might find out" that he just had sex with you an hour ago.

 

Talk about degrading!

[freestyle]

OP--in general, a half-truth is still a whole lie.

 

Anyone who lies to you simply doesn't believe that you have the right to make an accurately informed assessment about what you're investing in.

 

I hope you'll come to see just how disrespectful,controlling, and demeaning that is. (and decide that you're not willing to stand for it.)

[2sunny]

An integral part of lying is justification... And what Sauron presents is a perfect example of what justification looks like.

 

He's convinced himself that he's a good guy, that he doesn't lie, that he does good things...

 

But in the end - none of these women really know who is is because he simply won't be honest by giving his whole truth.

 

He's afraid - afraid they may not really love him IF they really knew his truth.

 

They can't possibly "love him" because he isn't being honest about the core being of who he is. Without total honest - it's all just an illusion.

[Sauron]

Well, gald to see the group think is alive and well. It's not about money, which I know you all like to think it is...there was nothing provided the first 2 years and I do not need money to find a willing affair partner the world is full of them, many of you should know that. And my 7 year affair built on sand, really, hello 7 years. I read about one that lasted 25 years on here, mine is not ending anytime soon it is expanding and growing. And your mean, nasty insulting posts really portray who you are, calling OW that accept help prostitutes is insulting to OW in general. However, they don't bother me in the least.

 

Hello Eleanor, I agree with you. It's not me that digress these threads.

 

To the OP, stop feeling bad because you have a realtionship with a MM, lots of women on here have and continue to have realtionships with MM, not all or bad or end bad. Some of these posters are just bitter and mean or they were dumped or divorced by their spouse for the OW/OM. So the vent their angst here and sell their dogma as the only way. They want you to listen to them and embrace their negative view of the world. Life is not black and white but many shades of gray. I would mention to you that at your age you should really get an education and go to college, your economic life will be much easier if you do. See if your MM will help/advise you. Good luck to you.

[2sunny]

Sauron - IF you were so proud of your actions and what YOU DO ( how YOU participate) why haven't you shared this joy with your wife, your children and all your mistresses?

 

The fact that you keep it a secret should tell YOU something...

 

Are you afraid of what they would think of you IF they knew YOUR TRUTH?

[Sauron]

Sauron - IF you were so proud of your actions and what YOU DO ( how YOU participate) why haven't you shared this joy with your wife, your children and all your mistresses?

 

The fact that you keep it a secret should tell YOU something...

 

Are you afraid of what they would think of you IF they knew YOUR TRUTH?

 

Please read the threads I have posted if you are so inclined. My story is there and I am tired of answering the same questions over and over in non-related thread. And you should try and be less mean sprited in the future 2sunny.

 

To the OP, sorry your thread was interupted.

[2sunny]

Please read the threads I have posted if you are so inclined. My story is there and I am tired of answering the same questions over and over in non-related thread. And you should try and be less mean sprited in the future 2sunny.

 

To the OP, sorry your thread was interupted.

 

You never answer this question.

 

It's not mean - it's a basic question pertaining to the affair(s) dynamic.

 

Why won't you answer? You afraid that your behavior represents who you are?

 

You aren't the man your family THINKS you are - the secret tells everything.

 

To the OP - do you want to be that secret? You can see how it affects many... Especially yourself.

[2sunny]

Sauron - IF you are so proud of your actions and who you are - why not tell all your loved ones exactly what your actions are?

 

Anything less is just you trying to fool yourself of what choices you have made - the choices that define YOUR character.

[Sauron]

My character is fine. My life is fine everyone is happy in my world. I love all the women in my life they way they want and need to be loved, they are all happy. You spend way to much time on this site, 13K posts quite an accomplishment. I live in the real world you should check back in with it once in a while, it is an interesting place. Have a nice evening.

[2sunny]

My character is fine. My life is fine everyone is happy in my world. I love all the women in my life they way they want and need to be loved, they are all happy. You spend way to much time on this site, 13K posts quite an accomplishment. I live in the real world you should check back in with it once in a while, it is an interesting place. Have a nice evening.

 

Avoidance is also a useful and prominent trait of a cheating person.

 

Anything I've asked you about is based on EVIDENCE that you've given here.

 

Seems you don't want to address your own truth of the person you have become.

 

Since you won't tell your family and mistresses exactly what you do (cheating) you assume the role of being ashamed of YOUR OWN ACTIONS.

 

That's the only conclusion anyone could draw from what you've presented.

 

You can deny it all you want - but you are the one who looks at YOUR reflection in the mirror - and since you aren't honest with all these people you claim to love - there's no foundation for said relationships. Mainly because they don't KNOW that man you REALLY ARE!

 

You haven't been honest about the man you are because you hide from them what YOU DON'T WANT THEM KNOWING.

 

IF you were so proud of it - YOU WOULDN'T HIDE IT!

 

Theirs nothing about it except it is what it is - THAT is the basis of YOUR CORE BEING. Why not embrace it? Why not be honest about WHO you are and WHAT actions you participate in?

 

If you claim to be all good with it - why does it need to be a secret?