We're on a break, what can and can't he do???

[hopefullove]

This whole thing is bogus. Break up or be together. If you break up, KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT. If you remain together, grow up and show some respect for his privacy and personal space, while at the same time having self respect and boundaries.

 

This sounds like a pair of 14 year olds playing house.

 

Even without the break … you pay for everything, you do all the housework, he works all the time (before the break - now evidently he has extra time for extracurricular activities after work) he has anger issues, he is a big leech.

 

Anyway, you just want to maintain your fantasy. Good luck with it. But I wonder why you have even posted all this crap about how completely sick and miserable the guy AND your relationship is with him? Did you really think that some people would say something like, "oh golly, it really sounds awesome"?

 

Nope.

 

But, carry on as you are.

 

No see you dont also see the whole thing.

-he takes the trash out. that's his job. He used to do more chores, last month i gave him a break, he's in the film industry, they work insane hours. like last month there were times where he would wake up at 2AM to go to work and do hard manual labour for 12 hours. 6-7 times a week. SO of course when he came home he is a zombie and of course as a good loving gf i will cook and clean. He will do things here and there, but makes a huge stink when things are not clean. I'm like DUDE do you know how fast things get dirty if you and i both dont clean? Because I get tired too... This is the nature of his business, I dont want to always have to pick up after him because he is tired, but at the same time one needs to be understanding.

-he is now contributing to household funds. I never asked him before, now i had to make sure he knows the rules. I was ok before because we would go out on the weekends, dinners, movies, snacks, and he pays for that when we go out. So i took care of groceries, it seemed fair at the time, except now we spend most of our time at home, then it doesnt become fair. Plus he makes more money!

- he doesnt have extracurricular activities. he's a zombie. He went out on saturday night and came home.

- his anger issues come out when he is tired, sleepy, and hungry. and the fixed when he sleeps and eats.

 

I'm not trying to maintain a fantasy, i am being honest with myself. I think he's a huge weirdo for sure with issues. who doesnt have issues. I started being really angry til that post about - if he really loved me, he wouldnt be stepping out on me. I trust he loves me.

[hopefullove]

oh no i read from the beginning. but you're slowly turning into psycho paranoid girlfriend, watching and knowing his text habits, busting into the bathroom to find him texting and questioning it...you're developing quite the mistrust.

 

either you've always had this mistrust, or you have more of a reason to mistrust him than just this "break LOL" that you keep mentioning, which isn't a break, it's just you two avoiding the issue and ignoring each other.

 

just sayin.

 

yeah i know. i dont want to become that paranoid crazy girlfriend for sure. So right now I dont go home. I made so many plans to just be out of the house. Got my hair done last night, dinner plans tonight, tomorrow, im going to get fat. Wait so saturday I will gym the whole day. Sunday, plans. I think we spent way too much time together. I'm not kidding you, you guys may say 8 months and a break! that's a red flag. But im not joking, we spend every waking moment with each other. If people usually start dating at 2 x 3s a week. we just tripled that. I never had mistrust for him, because we spent every second together LOL. (well except when i went away with girlfriends, or visiting my parents, etc, or hanging wtih my own friends). But NOW. it's because he kept insisting "IM SINGLE" that's where i was freaking out. Cus in a relationship, i know he is loyal to me, but if he thinks he's not? It's fair game.

 

He has admitted that he runs away from his problems. and that he has issues he has to deal with. and that he knows he is troubled. and he needs time to sort us out. That's what he has said, that he cant give me an exact time but until he stops being angry with me I need to respect his space. And i asked his brother, and he said men in his family are like this. His family are very close, and lovely. They all said, he's a good guy, he just needs to grow up. When we do talk tho, this communication thing is going to be brought up for sure.

[hopefullove]

oh no i read from the beginning. but you're slowly turning into psycho paranoid girlfriend, watching and knowing his text habits, busting into the bathroom to find him texting and questioning it...you're developing quite the mistrust.

 

either you've always had this mistrust, or you have more of a reason to mistrust him than just this "break LOL" that you keep mentioning, which isn't a break, it's just you two avoiding the issue and ignoring each other.

 

just sayin.

 

WE again! Aaaargggh! There is no we when it comes to emotional states (unless, perhaps you're under the influence of MDMA). You need to understand what YOU feel is not what he feels and that whatever you think he feels, you're probably wrong. From the sound of it, you were a ticket out of his parents' home. He may like you, may enjoy sharing a bed with you, may enjoy having his other needs met by or through you, but nothing you've said here indicates that you love each other. Additionally, there's an awful lot that seems to point to the contrary. I don't know how much experience either of you actually have with relationships, but this situation you're in is ridiculous, in the truest sense of the word.

 

i dont think i was his ticket out of his parents house. He had his own apartment. he met a girl, long distance and moved to another country. it didnt work out so he moved back to his parents. he def has it better at his parents, it's closer to work, he's very close to his parents, way more space. Also, i dont know if this makes a difference, but he is incredibly beautiful. I'm just saying, if he wanted to use someone, he could def use someone with more money and benefits LOL. He's had a lot of experience in relationships, nothing healthy im sure tho cus he just runs away when it doesnt work for him. Myself, 1 person i have loved before, and was in love in vain for 4 years til i met this guy.

[hopefullove]

Of course he doesn't want to move out. It's a sweet deal living in your place. He gets all the perks and he doesn't even have to be in a relationship with you. After all that, do you actually think he would want to go back and live with his parents? Let's be realistic.

 

My ex used to make me breakfast, bring me tea, get my favorite chocolate muffins, stock up on my jalapeno peanuts but he was cheating on me. Making breakfast just isn't enough. O rmaybe he makes it to keep you quiet and not expect more. And it's working. You show him that you really don't need any effort to keep you where you are.

 

there are jalapeno peanuts? LOL.

no i really doubt he is cheating on me. he's been on a million dates. and he stopped that right when he met me. and we are always together. weekdays he is always home when i come home, weekends we spend together except his morning coffee + european soccer viewing time. plus as i mentioned, his job is very tiring. even when we were good, he was way too tired. sooo....

[geegirl]

there are jalapeno peanuts? LOL.

no i really doubt he is cheating on me. he's been on a million dates. and he stopped that right when he met me. and we are always together. weekdays he is always home when i come home, weekends we spend together except his morning coffee + european soccer viewing time. plus as i mentioned, his job is very tiring. even when we were good, he was way too tired. sooo....

 

You're missing the point. Making breakfast does not equal "love" in the healthy sense nor does it signify one's capacity to commit and invest in a person. It's just breakfast. It's service. Expect more for yourself.

Edited October 18, 2012 by geegirl

[hopefullove]

You're missing the point. Making breakfast does not equal "love" in the healthy sense nor does it signify one's capacity to commit and invest in a person. It's just breakfast. It's service. Expect more for yourself.

 

Ok well. up until my resentment for him (getting his way all the time) exploded and he asked for a break cus he was stressed out (i know for sure we have issues we need to explore if we continue this again). i know he loved me, someone told me to read that 5 love languages thing. its just a battle getting him to do things, i am learning its how i ask or approach it, instead of nagging that can get him to do stuff.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Your fantasy world is very, very sad. What a waste.

[hopefullove]

You're missing the point. Making breakfast does not equal "love" in the healthy sense nor does it signify one's capacity to commit and invest in a person. It's just breakfast. It's service. Expect more for yourself.

 

Your fantasy world is very, very sad. What a waste.

 

why are you saying this?

you know nothing of our relationship. you are judging only based on your experience. and 1 sentence I am saying and 1 person's interpretation of what i said. This forum is suppose to be supportive. I would love to come back and tell you wrong when this is over.

[hopefullove]

Your fantasy world is very, very sad. What a waste.

 

I have not said anything that he has done but i know he loves me, what is it that you expect me to say, everyone shows love in their own way. I said he spent $700 on a plane ticket for 3 days to visit my hometown because i wanted him to meet my family, not in a position to just throw $700 around ok. i will say, man i i hear mangoes are good for your skin, and next day he buys me some mangoes. When i go to the gym he wants to pick me up after so i dont catch a draft coming home, when he wasnt so tired, I would come home to ready made dinner, when i come home from work, he claps and jumps up to come hug me and kiss me, he made a song up for me and sings it when he is happy, he wants to spend all his time with me. I was actually the one who was needing the space, and was cracking so i told him how unhappy i was feeling (because of his work schedule and his long hours, I had become MOM and felt taken for granted), so now he has to think. So i am not sure where you are getting your info from?

[hopefullove]

he leaves me love notes in the morning, i have a pile of notes of him telling me he loves me, he carves "I LOVE YOU" out of fruit and leaves for me in the morning, generally every sunday or other sunday, we like to go back to where we met and reenact our first meeting for fun, i mean, i dont know where you can say its just a service. I know he loves me. In addition to loving me, he is just a grown child that i grow weary of and frustrated with. But seems like all you have are negative things to say. There are good and bad things.

[flitzanu]

why are you saying this?

you know nothing of our relationship. you are judging only based on your experience. and 1 sentence I am saying and 1 person's interpretation of what i said. This forum is suppose to be supportive. I would love to come back and tell you wrong when this is over.

 

i would absolutely LOVE to hear that we are all wrong about what's going on.

[geegirl]

he leaves me love notes in the morning, i have a pile of notes of him telling me he loves me, he carves "I LOVE YOU" out of fruit and leaves for me in the morning, generally every sunday or other sunday, we like to go back to where we met and reenact our first meeting for fun, i mean, i dont know where you can say its just a service. I know he loves me. In addition to loving me, he is just a grown child that i grow weary of and frustrated with. But seems like all you have are negative things to say. There are good and bad things.

 

A man can cut up all the fruit in the world for me and leave me love notes but it'll all mean nothing if he's choosing/wanting to be single.

 

If he loves you this much, then he should be sitting you down and working on how to fix the relationship rather than running away from it. Making excuses that all men in his family find it hard to communicate, well then how does one have the capability to manage a healthy relationship when communication is crucial and key to the survival of it? What happens next time you have an issue, he tells you he wants to be single again or asks for a break?

 

Read your first post on this thread. You said he just recently started texting up a storm. He didn't need to text about work before? If he didn't, you said he's now suddenly keeping his phone close to him. Why? Pay attention to the little red flags that pop up. It struck as odd for a reason.

 

I asked you to one day casually ask him about seeing those texts, letting him know it would help you ease your mind and if he loves you and cares to keep you secure, he'll do it. He may not like it but he'll do it seeing how volatile the situation is. I asked you to watch his reaction. Why did you avoid the suggestion?

 

Your last two posts paint a wonderful picture of a guy that loves you and adores you. Then why are you posting? If all he currently does, crosses out the fact that he wants to be single, then live with the sweet gestures and accept that while he may do all these things for you out of love, the need to be in a relationship is trivial because he satisfies your emotional needs in other ways.

 

Your perceptions and thoughts are emotionally driven. We have a different view because we are not tainted by emotions, so we see things differently. That is why the consensus is pretty consistent. This may be a situation where YOU just need to ride this out yourself because no amount of advice or perspective will help you. It will just make you defensive and cause you more confusion.

 

I hope that you come back one day and tell us everything is smooth sailing and your relationship is on the right track. I'd love to be wrong and I don't mean that sarcastically. We're not here to make you feel any worse than you already feel.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited October 18, 2012 by geegirl

[veggirl]

So if you guys are so in love and everything is so wonderful, WHY are you on a break again? :confused:

 

also, just ask to see his texts. Seriously.

[hopefullove]

So if you guys are so in love and everything is so wonderful, WHY are you on a break again? :confused:

 

also, just ask to see his texts. Seriously.

 

Well as i just had dinner with a bunch of married women coworkers today, they all understand that relationships are hard work.

 

On one of my many talks with people, one said that the emotions we are are now cooling off. And one problem one brought up is the trouble with "expectations". That if things dont live up to them, I will always be frustrated.

 

I want to respect his privacy and not ask to see his texts and show him i trust him. We are in love, but you know, so often it happens with couple or married couples who move in together, they break up so often... there is a process of getting to know each other, i hear that the first and second year is the hardest... We are on a break cus he was mentally drained and i was emotionally drained. I love him so i hope this works out. This is now day 2 that we have not had any communication, i just came home from dinner with coworkers and he is asleep, but left me dinner.

[hopefullove]

 

Read your first post on this thread. You said he just recently started texting up a storm. He didn't need to text about work before? If he didn't, you said he's now suddenly keeping his phone close to him. Why? Pay attention to the little red flags that pop up. It struck as odd for a reason.

 

So AFTER he said it was work related - that's when it dawned on me that it could have, after I put the post up. Why didn't he text so much before, well he works in the film industry, and up until last week he was working on a movie, but that movie just finished, so he bounces from different movies and TV shows every day now, so it makes sense that i was work related. Because it was odd before that he texted late at night, but after he would say "hey, im work on XXX tomorrow!", texting lands him a job. I just assumed it was a girl and ruled out that possibility.

 

But thank you guys, i am super emotional for sure, and this is a good outlet to have to hash out all my emotions. Asking to see the texts, i already tried to peer at them and he told me respect his privacy, so that is why i will not push it. I actually got a really good look at them, he actually doesnt hide his phone when he texts. Like if i am standing behind him, if i had better vision i could see them, but my vision sucks. And he didn't really pull his phone away when i slowly crept up next to him to read his texts.

 

He does great things but he also drives me crazy (vice versa probably) he acknowledges he is selfish as well. He wants his way most of the time, and is incredibly stubborn. That's the stem of our problem really.

 

If he loves you this much, then he should be sitting you down and working on how to fix the relationship rather than running away from it. Making excuses that all men in his family find it hard to communicate, well then how does one have the capability to manage a healthy relationship when communication is crucial and key to the survival of it? What happens next time you have an issue, he tells you he wants to be single again or asks for a break?

 

He said he always ran away before, with other girls. He's had had many break ups he said. This time he wants it to be different which is why he is sticking around, but i think he is processing his emotions because he never did before and just went on to find a new girl. I do wonder how we would deal with this in the future, because this blow up wasnt over something that serious. I am still thinking this over as well. But i do miss him incredibly. But also I think if he can not change at all, I can not basically, be his mother for the rest of my life. Will be interesting to see what he has to say when he decides he wants to talk.

[Mme. Chaucer]

why are you saying this?

you know nothing of our relationship. you are judging only based on your experience.

 

I do have a lot of experience and wisdom, but actually I'm basing what I "know" of your relationship upon your posts here. You paint a sorry picture.

[Mme. Chaucer]

He said he always ran away before, with other girls.

 

And he's running away now.

 

This time he wants it to be different which is why he is sticking around,

 

He's probably sticking around because as of right now, his only other option is mom and dad's house.

 

But i do miss him incredibly.

 

Excuse me? How can you MISS a person who lives with you and sleeps in the same bed?

[hopefullove]

I do have a lot of experience and wisdom, but actually I'm basing what I "know" of your relationship upon your posts here. You paint a sorry picture.

 

well its a monet step back and take a look

[hopefullove]

That seems about right...it's just the impression of a relationship...hee hee!

 

Sorry, I'm in an impish mood...

 

LOL! haha so witty!

 

Again i want to point out last night he made me dinner (baked salmon, left on the counter in tin foil) and this morning breakfast fruit again. We have not talked or seen each other in 2 days (he is asleep in bed by the time i come home) IT IS SO STRANGE!

[Mme. Chaucer]

………………………..

[veggirl]

Why can't you guys just TALK to each other?

 

Damn this guy really truly holds all the "power" in your relationship.

 

How long is the break?

 

Let me guess, it is until he decides it is no longer.

[hopefullove]

I genuinely hope you're right about everything you've posted. I mean that most sincerely. I was just having a little fun. I apologize.

 

Why can't you guys just TALK to each other?

 

Damn this guy really truly holds all the "power" in your relationship.

 

How long is the break?

 

Let me guess, it is until he decides it is no longer.

 

I KNOW! that's what everyone is saying - why can't we just talk to each other.

WELL. I have been staying out late last 3 nights. Late being past 9:30PM because he is asleep by then, so by the time I am home he is asleep, and he wakes up at 5AM so he's gone by the time i wake up. He had dinner for us yesterday and the night before. I was reading a lot, like when men want space and stuff, and it suggested to wait til he wants to talk, so I am following those rules right now. I mean i get mad at him too, but i dont stay mad like him! That's my personality, i get mad really fast then i forget all about it. When he pisses me off he does tell me how sorry he is. Sorry is very hard for him to say. I framed one of his sorry notes. I thought it was funny, but now i've changed it to one of us in happier times.

 

He is a stubborn SOB. it takes him a while to let things sink in. We went to the emergency room because there was something growing in his eye and the head of the department looked at him and gave him these drops. it took him 1.5 weeks to start using the drops because he didnt want drugs in his body.

 

OK nm he just texted me right now.

[hopefullove]

I KNOW! that's what everyone is saying - why can't we just talk to each other.

WELL. I have been staying out late last 3 nights. Late being past 9:30PM because he is asleep by then, so by the time I am home he is asleep, and he wakes up at 5AM so he's gone by the time i wake up. He had dinner for us yesterday and the night before. I was reading a lot, like when men want space and stuff, and it suggested to wait til he wants to talk, so I am following those rules right now. I mean i get mad at him too, but i dont stay mad like him! That's my personality, i get mad really fast then i forget all about it. When he pisses me off he does tell me how sorry he is. Sorry is very hard for him to say. I framed one of his sorry notes. I thought it was funny, but now i've changed it to one of us in happier times.

 

He is a stubborn SOB. it takes him a while to let things sink in. We went to the emergency room because there was something growing in his eye and the head of the department looked at him and gave him these drops. it took him 1.5 weeks to start using the drops because he didnt want drugs in his body.

 

OK nm he just texted me right now.

 

 

OK he is making idle chit chat with me.

Because I went to a Chinese Buffet last night and sent him a picture of a fortune cookie message that said "Don't find fault, find a remedy"

And he asked me where i went for dinner, who i went with, etc. I said, Chinese Buffet! I can do whatever i want! And i said, I have another dinner lined up for tonight, we can chat when you want to actually talk but let's not do idle chit chat. Bye I love you.

I thanked him for the salmon, that i took for lunch. He said, you ate my salmon?? This is full on war! then he proceeded to tell me to not eat junk food and that i should start going to the gym again. And I said you can't tell me what to do. And we said bye.

 

before you get all, omg he doesnt want u to get fat. I had invested a lot of money on the gym and personal trainer to help me lose weight because i love food, when we met, I was probably around 20lbs heavier and he still loved me at first sight. So he gets on my case for my love of junk food cause he doesnt want my money to go down the drain.

[hopefullove]

Im quoting myself because I couldnt get that bottom thing to work!

 

No i am asking for advice because i am thoroughly confused!!!!!!!

Edited October 22, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to deleted post

[hopefullove]

Confused about? Every time someone offers a bit of advice you tell them they're wrong or offer up some excuse. It doesn't really look like there's any more advice to be given. You've been told from day one your situation isn't one that most people would consider healthy, promising, or adult but you're still here...with salmon and yucky eyes. What exactly is it you want to hear?

 

thats not true I have listened to a lot of advice. Like i looked up that 5 love languages book and it made a lot of sense to me.

However the basis of a lot of the advice was based on that there was someone else which i do not believe there is anymore, which i explained. I was trying to give examples of the extent of his stubborness, how it pertains to his own health and he is still stubborn. I don't have a lot of relationships in relationships, this is my 2nd real love. But i know when a man stops caring, he wouldnt be continuing loving gestures. OR if a man really wanted out, he would leave. But people have been saying, oh he doesnt want to go back to his parents... but he loves his family, he is there for lunch almost everyday, and always calls his mom. Like all his stuff is basically still at home, all the stuff in the condo is mine, he just has clothes. Its really easy to move out. So my excuses are just, trying to define more of the situation so it makes more sense.