wife inappropriate, or is it me?

[jaybar]

My wife and I have been quite happily married for 15 years, 2 great kids, incredible (sometimes infrequent, though) sex, etc. As of last summer, a bunch of little, probably all insignificant things conspired to start making me feel like ****; not necessarily insecure, but just crappy:

 

First, she went away with a girlfriend, and ended up going swimming nude in some public lake. (Didn't have bathing suit with them.) Definitely no big deal. (For some reason, I would have been more bothered if there were guys there we knew.)

 

Then a few months later, she was having drinks at our house with neighbors we're (platonically) close with. The husband had just gotten a new picture phone, and wanted to know what picture to associate with my wife's cell #. She proceeded to flash her (nicely-endowed) breasts for him to take a picture of for his phone. She told me about this, kind of laughing it off, knowing it would upset me a bit.

 

Another thing: after years of never even wanting to go swimming or bake in the sun, last year she started wearing a bikini, which IMHO shows way way too much boob. (She said she needs to wear a bikini so her mid-section isn't pale when she wears the in-style tummy-showing clothing.) The bikini wouldn't bother me half as much if she weren't most often wearing it in the company of a group of her (mainly guy) friends whom I consider part of an "inappropriate" circle. (For example, one married woman once started poking her finger through the hole in the crotch area of the pants of another's husband, and the guy wasn't wearing underwear, and the woman was narrating this whole "minor" thing to all within ear- and eye-shot). Right or wrong, I felt a bit uncomfortable, and started feeling more uncomfortable that my wife hangs and drinks with these people in her scantily-clad wear without me even there. She just feels these people are "fun" and not inappropriate or lewd.

 

Finally, my wife often goes out with a girlfriend (also presumably happily married) and they dance, play pool, karioke (where she'll often sing very sexually explicit songs), and admittedly "flirt" at least to the point where some 20-somethings in a bar have told her she is definitely a MILF.

 

Last summer, I discussed with my wife how badly it made me feel when she flashed for the cell-phone photo. She said she wouldn't do it again and she'd ask the neighbor to remove it from his cellphone. (Think he did?! But that's not the point.)

 

But now this summer, seeing these same people, the same revealing bikini, etc. has made me feel like utter crap. We definitely have different views of modesty, inappropriateness, etc. Don't know if I should keep quiet, feel like ****, hope what's in my head will pass; or bring it up to her about how uncomfortable I feel about these specific things...

[jmargel]

That would bother me as well, so you aren't alone. Tell her it does bother you, since it is a form of flirting. She can easily goto a tanning booth, to get that mid section tanned. Why don't you go along with her? Her flashing was in very bad taste. She is doing all of this for attention, which is the scary part. You two been going out together? Have you been arguing alot?

 

She could also be in a mid-life crisis. How old is she? I'm only 30, but a few years back, majority of the women that would hit on me were in their late 30s to 40. You would be very surprised on how they act, and I know some were married.

 

If it bothers you that much, then she needs to tone it down some. She has to decide what is more important, which should be your feelings.

[Artifact]

I'm a woman, and her behavior makes ME a little uncomfortable. I'm sorry talking to her about it hasn't been helpful... If I think of fabulous advice, I'll let you know. Jmargel's suggestion on the tanning booth is good- but I'm wondering if it will even work???

[Haunani]

Jay I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. How old is your wife, and has she recently lost alot of weight?

 

I'm just wondering about both because she may be feeling the extra need for attention at that age and /or showing off her new found body that has been covered up for so long.

 

I speak for your wife. Although I would never flash my boobs for another guy to ever take a pic of - nor be flirty in that way going karaoke bars and stuff. But I do like the *girls night* out without the kids, and that is rare. But I find that I'm wearing smaller in fashion type clothes now (70 lbs gone) and feeling more secure. Besides the fact that my husband was always jealous makes me more want to wear things he won't like - not showing off the boobs, but shorter shorts, highter tops, getting a tatoo stuff that he's probably tripping out. I don't want to get older, which is inevitable, but it can be prolonged and I can feel good about myself.

 

Certainly not in the fashion your wife is doing though. I'd ask her how she would feel if you were to do those things. She'd probably be hurt and feel like you are out *looking for something* you are not getting at home.

 

Maybe a mid-life crisis thing. As for the tanning thing - depends on where you live, if you live near the ocean and it's something you've done, then it's okay, or again,it could be that weight loss thing. For me, I live on an island so the beach is our life, we all walk around in our bikini's and my husband better not say a word, it's how I was raised. But now, if I were in the back yard walking around with my bikini, my husband would tell me to put something on, and I'd feel like he was controlling me (we have a jacuzzi - so not like I'm walking around for nothing). But to please him, I'd throw on a wrap if I'm walking around.

 

Talk to her without judging. She could be going through some inner issues.

 

And be loving........

[jaybar]

jmargel, we have been going out a good amount, and not fighting at all! (I've been holding back fighting on really petty stuff until I sort out this bigger thing!)

And she's 42 now.

 

Haunani, she did lose some weight last summer. Gained some back and definitely a bit of a gut, so I don't really know if she's proudly parading her bod or just comfortable showing it, or wanting guys to look, or an un-admitted mid-life thing...Regarding inner issues, to ask her, she couldn't be happier, with our marriage, kids, her friends. She doesn't (gainfully) work but does almost all the work regarding the pre-teen kids. (Still leaves her with a lot of time, esp. in the summer.)

[Taken_Angel]

Sorry but a woman or girl of any age acting like that (flashing, singing sexy songs, showing her body off knowing she's married) is inappropriate!! Sleezy actions aren't excusable no matter who you are or how old you are.

[jaybar]

Well, unfortunately, everyone's boundaries regarding inappropriateness, sleazyness, etc. are different. And that can make it difficult for someone to understand how her mate might feel if she thinks she's doing nothing wrong or that guys and guy friends are just being friendly not flirtateous, etc...

[Craig]

Jay, your wife’s behavior is definitely inappropriate and disturbing.

 

Also, she is telling you what she has done knowing that it would upset you. In other words she is intentionally saying things that hurt and confuse you.

 

There is more going on here than just the behaviors your wife has told you about. There are problems in your relationship that must be addressed or things will just get worse. I’d suggest marriage counselling. If your wife won’t go with you then you need to go by yourself. Whatever you do, do not just take a passive role and hope things will get better because they won't. Your wife is doing these things and then telling you about them for a reason (that she might not even know) ignoring them may only result in her taking bolder more inappropriate actions. Call a marriage counsellor right now.

[ShareHer]

Originally posted by jaybar

Well, unfortunately, everyone's boundaries regarding inappropriateness, sleazyness, etc. are different.

Absolutely correct Jay.

 

And that can make it difficult for someone to understand how her mate might feel if she thinks she's doing nothing wrong or that guys and guy friends are just being friendly not flirtateous, etc...

Question for you Jay... She's still quite attracted to you and your sex life with her is good right? (I'm thinking you answer Yes) How would you feel at the opposite end of the spectrum and she went into school marm mode? Let's say she stopped being flirtatious with other men, no more flashing, dressing sexy, etc but at the same time she didn't seem as excited about sex with you. Your sex life with her became humdrum (like many of those who post here). How would you feel about that?

 

Ask anyone here, I'm a sexual deviate. I would LOVE it if my wife did all the things yours is doing and more. I would see her through the eyes of these other men and I'd be so turned on by her, I'd have to quit my job and have sex with her 3 or 4 times a day.

 

I understand your pain but if you shut down her flirtatious ways around other people/men, there's a chance she could shut them down around you as well. We humans are never satisfied are we?

[The_Analyzer]

"Theres a chance she could shut them down around you as well." Its possible she already has that may explain her behavior. Just saying its possible thats all. Good luck.

[Moose]

I started a thread about how my wife dresses herself. She would dress in a way that it wouldn't leave much to the imagination. From what I gathered, ( And I do understand better why she does this ), she has a need to feel sexy, not just by me but by others as well.

 

BUT!!!!! There is a fine line between the way she dresses and the way she composes herself. She would never DREAM of pulling a stunts like what you wife does. So to me, ( And I'm sure my wife would agree ), it is totally wrong of her to behave this way.

 

I understand your pain but if you shut down her flirtatious ways around other people/men, there's a chance she could shut them down around you as well. We humans are never satisfied are we?

 

I think that it would be a chance I would have to take. If it ends up not in my favor, then that would be fine by me. I'd rather have to pleasure myself, ( Sorry, don't know of another way to put it ), than to think about what other men are thinking about my wife.

[Mr Spock]

The only thing I feel may be a tad inappropriate is flashing her boobs to your neighbours. I view it simply as you should be happy your wife is comfortable with her body (even with the weight gained back and the "Gut" as you put it) when so many women despise their bodies and aren't comfortable showing them at all. I think you should make it clear you're attracted to her, and love her body.

 

I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt you, I think she's being honest with you. Does this behaviour worry you because you feel it may lead to an affair? If so, tell her that-don't harp on her for having fun (or her idea of fun). It chips away at the self esteem. Why don't you break out your own speedo at the lake then? Tit for tat.

[heidi]

Your wife is acting inappropriately. It sounds to me like she's dying for attention. Do you make her feel good about herself or are you constantly trying to cover her up? I think that anybody has a right to wear a bikini so you should get over that, and I've had plenty of friends who are inappropriate and I don't think that it's contagious! I think that you should check yourself to see if your standards of decency are a little more conservative than most. I know that my husband is a lot more conservative than I am and he is very easily offended. I suggest trying harder to give her attention at home and try not to be too easily offended. If your wife continues to flash the neighbors, though, I suggest she get some therapy!