YellowLioness Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Family and money... Alright, here's the deal. My mom has helped me out a lot in my life: she helped me get my first car, and go to college. Now that I'm out on my own, she doesn't help me when she says that she will. A few weeks ago, She offered to help me out with a doctor's bill, so I paid the bill at the dr's office thinking she would cut me a check. When I asked her about the money, she said, "Well, you already paid it." She told me I had to take on her portion of my student loans, which is about $160.00 a month. That's pretty expensive when you don't make that much money. She just popped it on me, like it should be no big thing. I literally can't afford it. I said, "Mom, you also told me you'd help me with that doctors bill. I can't afford to take on that loan payment PLUS that doctor's bill this month. Plus, I'm changing insurence policies on my car." She said, "Well honey, you'll make it. I always did." When I first moved out on my own, she promised to give me $250.00 with in a month of me actually leaving her house. Pretty generous, right? She's given me $50.00 of it. She's financially really well off, as she's got a masters degree and has been a teacher for years upon years... So, the money isn't a problem for her. Perhaps I should be grateful that I got that $50.00 from her. But, it's not that, really. Its just that she's going back on what she SAID that she'd do. WTF? I'm really upset because there is no way I can take care of this. Should I help her out, or refuse to pay the student loan payment that SHE took out? Link to post Share on other sites
tryss Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 ****ing steal it from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YellowLioness Posted July 29, 2004 Author Share Posted July 29, 2004 Lol. Thanks for posting, but I'm not gonna steal from my mom. lol. But, if you have any OTHER ideas, feel free to post those... :-) Link to post Share on other sites
TommyGirl Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 DO you think that she is trying to let you live on your own and experience some things on your own?? Link to post Share on other sites
Pained Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 You're going to hate me for saying this, but the only thing she did wrong was promise to give you money. I am fully in support of letting people rough it out to make ends meet. It builds character, teaches people the value of a dollar, and shows you little tricks to get by. You have a degree. That's more than most people have. Try and put it to good use, even if you have to get two jobs. I have a lot of student loans as well, but I wouldn't dream of asking my mom to help me with them, especially since she's done so much for me already. You should be happy that such an intelligent, well-to-do woman has such faith in you that you'll make it. Technically, the loans are for YOUR schooling and YOUR future. Don't be selfish and immature by refusing to pay them. Just don't even go there. If you have a live-in boyfriend, then HE should be helping you, as you are, after all, roommates and romantically involved. Technically, your mom's obligation ended when you turned 18, so please don't spit on everything she's done for you. It may be uncomfortable now, but in the long run it's what's best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Why have kids if you don't want to see them do better than you did? I think if the parent can afford college -they should pay. It's part of raising your child. But your bills are your bills- she shouldn't have lied but I can see why she thinks they are your responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Pained Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Generally speaking, if a parent can afford to pay for college, student loans don't need to be taken out. I think that, since college isn't required, most people should pay for at least part of it on their own. I think you appreciate it more, usually, when you're footing the bill. You can want better for your children than you had and still encourage them to be independent and strong. This is the tact my mom took. She wants better for me than she had, but not if it means putting me on top of 20 mattresses and spoon-feeding me ice cream. In fact, me paying for college on my own and all that has made me much stronger, self-assured, and eager to take on new responsibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 I agree it is helpful to take on your own responsibilities and bills. BUT your mum should not have promised things and then stepped back. If she wanted to draw up new boundaries, she should really have sat down with you and discussed the new arrangements. Perhaps you need to sit down with her and talk about this stuff. Explain how you've noticed she hasnt helped out when she said she would. Even say you understand if she wants to step back a bit, but that you need to know where you stand etc Link to post Share on other sites
Ama Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 I recently moved out on my own after 6 years at university. My mum was always generous with her money and I did get spoilt, although I've held down a job since I was 15 and have always paid for the major things. Anyway, when I moved out I was worried about the money situation and my mum promised to help me out with big purchasers (such as the lounge I had to get, dryer etc). Well that was 3 months ago and I haven't see one cent, despite buying better brands because I thought I would be getting the money back from her. I've mentioned it twice but all she'll say is she'll give it to me soon or I should learn to 'stand on my own two feet'. Yes mum, but why promise in the first place?! She also always promises to pay for little things, such as getting my groceries or doctors bills etc, and then "forgets" when it's too late. She gets to hold the power over me by promising me money, but never delivers. She then makes me feel bad for asking her for it. My mum is great but this is very manipulative. It's not a question of whether she should or shouldn't be helping me out - she just shouldn't make a promise that she never intends to keep. It's her way of staying in my life and keeping some control over me and it's getting exasperating! Link to post Share on other sites
Author YellowLioness Posted July 30, 2004 Author Share Posted July 30, 2004 Yeah, that's what I was saying. If she doesn't want to help, that's absolutely fine. I am pretty independent, and I did end up taking care of those bills myself. It was just rough to count on money that wasn't coming. I think people should just DO what they say they're going to do in the first place. As for the college thing, I also worked through college; both during the year and during the summer. :-) It kept me busy and focused, and I did also pay for... well... just about everything. She was just offering to help while I got on my feet. But, that's fine. As for my live in boyfriend, he's got his own bills and schooling to pay for. Its really not his place to help me pay for my schooling, when he has his own to take care of. We split all of our bills, but even doing it that way things still get tight somtimes. It was just that my mom popped some financially binding situations on me all at one time to where I could not take care of them all at one time. Given enough time, I'm sure that payments could be worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YellowLioness Posted July 30, 2004 Author Share Posted July 30, 2004 I did talk to my mom, and we worked it out. I finally got her to say (some what guiltily, I might add) that she wasn't going to help me out any more. That's all I wanted. She apologised for promising me things that she didn't pay; however, she said that that didn't take away from the fact that she wasn't going to pay them. My mother NEVER admits when she makes a mistake, so this was a bit of a break through. She also said that she was willing to pay the loans that she took out for my college education for two more months while I get things straightened out. I also talked to my father about this situation, and he said that he thought she was being unfair. But, they have never gotten along. All in all, I don't like the way my mom handled it, but at least we worked it out. Life's not perfect, and you pretty much have to make your own way, regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
Riff Randall Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 My mom does the same goddam thing! I'll be interested to keep reading this thread to see if you get any good answers, my thread didn't get too many. I know how frustrating it is, though, when they promise $ and then change their mind and don't deliver! Link to post Share on other sites
memomma Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Wanted to answer this post from a parental point of view...... Sometimes we parents act in childish ways. Maybe your Mom was beginning to feel resentful about continuing to contribute to your finances as she watched you purchase things that were not necessities but rather things you wanted to have. Maybe she decided she had helped you out enough and now that you are finished with school and living on your own......you should take responsibility for those things that affect you. Maybe......despite all these feelings......she was not able to talk to you as an adult and just didn't know how to. I don't really know........I'm just saying maybe. My daughter just turned 20 years old. She has lived on her own since February. She pays all her expenses....including a car payment and insurance. She knows that if she needs to "borrow" money......all she has to do is ask. She very seldom does. I do try to help her out at times by buying her little things as surprises but she never just expects me to do this. She is a very mature and responsible young lady and I am very proud of her. I'm glad you and your mom talked and hope that in the future she will be more specific about what she expects you to do. I know it's hard to talk to your Mom sometimes cause my daughters often have a hard time communicating with me. Just one of those things...... Link to post Share on other sites
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