Relationship Rescue or Too Good to Leave.......

[Haunani]

My husband has been walking gingerly of late, and I feel more and more pressured. He's sending all those love notes, and begging and pleading, and trying to change my feelings. When I'm home, I feel the tug and pull at what this will do, but when I'm not with him, I'm feeling light and not stressed.

 

For the past 20 years my feelings have not been *heard* or validated, he's caused some pretty hurtful feeilngs which I guess the hard part is he admits it, but says *this is me - who I am, but doesn't change my love*, but it does. Everything I want he doesn't give me - emotional support, emotional bonding, doing things, trust. WHat a real relationship is, not an unhealthy one where I can't be myself and be open. If he wants to hear it he will, if not he will say so, and the eyes roll and the hand goes in circles, like hurry up, I dont have all day.

 

He doesn't' see that his *way of thinking* has gotten the best of me. And now, I'm just feeling sad I guess that it has had to come down to this. Something has to give becasue I feel this way every 2 months.

 

I'm tossing between Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue that says Ineed to fix me first, and Too Good to Leave Too bad to stay.........I've made decisions before, why is this one so difficult.

[Olivia_19742004]

Have you two tried counseling? If not, maybe instead of approaching it like he has the problem you can state that the counseling would help because it would allow the two of you to learn how to communicate. This way it's not your fault or his fault and it's not about one of you changing who you are but just learning how to communicate together. That is, if you still love him and want to stay in the marriage..

[Haunani]

Thanks Olivia, that's half the problem I guess, figuring out if there is still some kind of something there that will spark the reasons we married in the first place instead of thinking How the heck did I make it this far, and him saying Why the heck does she have issues? Deadlocked.

 

Counselors would be good I guess, we did go to one, and I let loose all my anger and frustration, and he couldn't /didn't say anything because he was wrong, plus I have a hard time to articulate my words in actual words. When they come out, it sounds wrong, so I shut up while he explains his view, and I just give up.

[neatdesign]

Haunani, I understand how you feel about wanting to be proactive about saving your marriage. Just thought I'd put my $0.02 in...

 

I went through marriage counseling a few years ago with my husband, Ian. We were high school sweethearts, together a total of 12 years, married for 5 years. Even though we got along really well, there were just a couple of issues that we never seemed able to resolve. But we both wanted to fix things, but Ian was the one who insisted on getting counseling. Ian WANTED to find a solution to our marital problems, was extremely gung-ho about it. I was lucky enough to be married to someone who was thoughtful, encouraging, supportive, and not afraid to share his feelings with me or the therapist. But that still wasn't enough. After a year of counseling, we eventually divorced.

 

Based on your description of your husband, however, he doesn't seem willing to even admit that there's a problem. He just says, "This is the way I am, oh well, you'll just have to accept it." That's not only unfair to you, but it's actually unfair to HIM, because you only know how to react to him one way, and thus he not getting all he could out of you, either.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way -- I am NOT accusing you of anything! The basis for my statement here is actually from the "Relationship Rescue" book, which I'm currently going through. Yes, I did remarry last year, to a wonderful man named Mark. But like any marriage, we have issues to deal with, and I want to nip them in the bud before they get out of hand.

 

Like you, when I saw the emphasis of this book was going to be on ME and not on HIM or US, I was hesitant. I thought, "I don't need a self-help book for myself -- this has to do with both of us, not just ME!" But the more I read it, the more I understood: I can only change me, I only have control over me. And I've been behaving and reacting to Mark in such a way that I've essentially set up the continuance of the behavior he does that bothers me. It's an ongoing cycle, and although I can't change Mark, then at least I can change myself.

 

I'll give you an example. One of the biggest beefs I have with Mark is his reluctance to discuss or make any goals or plans for the future. We have certain dreams -- to have kids, for instance -- but that's as far as it goes. He's extremely hesitant to go into any details or planning. The only response I ever get is, "I don't know, I haven't thought about it." I could ask him again a month later and still get the same response. GRRR!!

 

This drives me up the wall. I mean, we're not getting any younger, and I don't want to have kids without preparing for them first. The thing is, I know that Mark knows this, and feels the same way. So why won't he discuss it? Why can't we make any long-term plans?

 

Well, I still don't know yet. But what I DO know is that I haven't really been setting up an environment that will help him feel more comfortable discussing it with me. Instead I get very frustrated and impatient, and I let him know it! Lots of sighing and eye-rolling and such. This just makes him withdraw more.

 

In reading "Relationship Rescue" and doing the exercises (I have the workbook also), I have nailed down aspects of myself that negatively influence the way Mark responds to me. If I can change those negative aspects of myself, then Mark will respond differently, and hopefully I'll get closer to achieving what I want out of the relationship.

 

Unfortunately for me, this book didn't exist when I was trying to fix my marriage with my first husband. If it had been, I hope I would've picked it up and tried what Dr Phil says. Although I love Mark and look forward to sharing my life with him, Ian was equally a great guy and I still feel sad that it didn't work out. If I had known then what I know now, my life might be completely different right now.

 

Whatever you do, best of luck to you.

 

~ Neatdesign

[Haunani]

Neat - thanks for your response. I haven't been on here in a few weeks. I understand exactly what you are saying, setting up an enviornment where he will be willing to discuss things feeling open and free. I think that's the whole problem with mine, is that the only thing he wants to discuss is SEX., when, how, how much, how come he's not getting it, when can he get it........etc etc etc. I'm serious, he will call me on a good day about 10 times a day, (we work at the same company, different offices), so I get right to business, and he talks sex. I get irritated and frustrated that its the only thing on his mind.

 

A little background music.......

Married for 19 yrs, in the beginning, extremely jealous and controlling, I was the opposite, and fought it tooth and nail. He is a great provider, everything else, I can't say. He leaves me to everything else.......complete control of all household, I might get him to do laundry once-2x a week, other than that....nada. I do all the bills, grocery shopping, anything to do with the kids - homework, PTA, excursions, shopping etc. I take complete care of the yard - mowing, weeding, etc. He becomes weak with his parental duties, he tries to be firm to the kids, and when they don't listen, he gives up, and makes me handle the rest. But he's inconsistent and the kids know that. Sometimes when he knows I've had a bad day, yet have to come home and still do laundry AND mow the lawn (okay I have a 17 and 14 who refuses to do it, or if they must, they will chop it so bad, I do it myself) He travels 3-4 times a month, and so when he's off he feels he should do nothing. (On weekends) And I mean - nothing. He sits home during the day watching tv, sports, movies, < CNN, whatever., and will stay there until afternoon, then opens his beer.

 

And that's it. That's where he stays for the rest of the night. During a normal work week, he goes to work, comes home, watches tv, and drinks his beer. Wed. he plays baseball. He goes nowhere else, and if I ask him to come with us, he'd rather stay home, so I never ask (this is 20 years now). I go to my friends house for girls night usually Fridays, and Saturdays, all the couples get together karaoke, and he may or may not come, or leaves early. We do nothing as a couple together. If I'm not sitting inside the room with him, or in the living room chatting then we don't talk. If we chat its about work, or SEX, which I hate.

 

Every few months, I get tired of the same ol crap, and tell him this. He doesn't enforce the kids (older teens) to do their chores, he doesn't want to argue with them cause they won't listen, so he doesn't tell them anything, doesn't want them mad at him. So I do it, and they argue with me, and when I put restrictions on them, he tells me not to, because he doesn't want to lose our kids because of that, so I end up doing all the chores myself, knowing he's in there watching tv, and then go in to make dinner. Ig uess he figures as long as everything is being tended to........what's to gripe about. I hold alot of resentment and anger, and then I tell myself for what, and try to let it go..and I do for a few months, then it's back to samo samo.

 

I don't want to waste my life in that chair in the room watching tv.....I'm going to be old enough as it is and I will then not even have a choice of that, in the meantime, he's bringing me down. But he's also the one that makes alot of the money, I work too not near much as him. My eldest has a mean temper (he's also the shyest one, you know what they say about the quiet ones)...well, he nearly tore down the wall last time I told him we were seperating, and he's hated me then. So I didn't leave.

 

Now I kick myself, waiting for my son to hurry up and move out. I wonder if it will be any easier then. My dh doesn't get it. He thinks I'm gonig to fall madly in love with him once bedtime rolls around and he wants some.....he doesn't realize that I work 8 hours, then another 4 before I go to bed. Then on weekends, I still have

our books to do, and try and keep the kids entertained doing something. I feel like a parent doing it alone. He doesn't help with them at all. He feels he's doing his job because he has such a hard work.

 

And resentment builts every day.........

[smiley31]

I have been looking for this forum.

 

I really thought I was the only wife (in the world) who resents her husband most of the time. Don't get me wrong, his is (was) a wonderful person. I would not have married him if it hadn't been true. After only 4 1/2 years of marriage, things are so different. I have lost myself. I don't know what happened. I look at him and I don't like what I see. Everything he does makes me sick. I am no longer attracted to him. He has gained at least 25 lbs. since college. When he eats, I can hear the food slushing around in his mouth. At night he snores, smacks his lips, and grins his teeth. The man can not make a decision to save his life. Indecisive people make me crazy. Most of the time it is NOT rocket science. When he is put on the spot, he is squeamish, like a little boy, figgety. He won't stand up for himself, when he should.

 

He is the financial provider. He loves his job with the AF. A job that comes with long hours, high stress and a demanding boss. His job forced us to move; needless to say I had to quit my job. It's been 11 months since I worked. Our new home; a house, provided me with tons of resposiblities. I take care of everything around the house: mowing the grass (which he only did ONCE this summer), planting flowers (which he managed to kill while I was out of town), watering the grass (which he has a problem with - "Rainwater should be enough"), weeding, trimming, sweeping, raking. Do I need to go in to the regular household chores: cleaning, vaccuming, laundry. Ironing - he does; thankful, it's not my uniform. Cooking - I try to avoid. And of course, the finances: bill, balancing all accounts, etc.

 

Earlier this year, when we moved to our new location I experienced.....a (sort of) mid-life crisis. It was very hard for me to deal with (alone). I turned 30. The number wasn't the hard part to deal with; it was where I found myself. I started to examine my life. I was the heaviest I have ever been and childless. I realized right then and there - I had turned in to my mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly, but by the time she was thirty she had 5 children to show for. I feel like I have nothing. My husband just could not understand why I was so unhappy. "Why is this move so different from those in the past?" I tried so many times to talk to him, but my conversations always seemed to be an inconvenience for him. There was always something more important to do or get to. When we finally did start to communicate, I would ask him about having children and his responses were so flat. As if to say, "I really don't care either way." The other topic of conversation would be, "don't you want to get healthier? Lose some weight?" His response for this were, "I don't have time" or "how can I possibly make the time". For the last 3 years, he has subscripted to Muscle and Fitness, so he has read up on all of the latest workout routines, but still has not implemented anything.

 

In April, I finally took a stand on my own health. I started riding my bike three to five days a week for at 30 - 60 minutes . I began to cut my portions a little, less snacking, making healthier choices, and even eating salads; which I had NEVER tasted good to me in the past. Recently, I started working with an exercise physiologist. My goal which I estiblished in the beginning was to lose one pound for each year I have lived. As of today, I have lost 20lbs. I am healthier. I am very close to my goal.

 

I wish I could say I was happier, too. Unfortunately, I am still in the same situation as before. My work-aholic husband, who unappreciate me and all of the things I do. Who doesn't care whether we have children (he's older than me). I don't want to be 40 when I start my family, there are too many health factors which scare me. A few months ago, we did start seeing a priest to assist in rebuilding "US", but now my dear husband doesn't have the time. I knew before we got married military life was not going to be easy, but I never imagine our communication skills and our relationships deteratering. Ironically, 2 weeks ago he purchased Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. I don't think he has started reading it although he claims he has. I am still reading it. I hope and pray I can find myself. I really want to find my passion for my life, maybe someday - "our life".

 

Thanks for listening. I feel better. Smiley31