A question of acceptable behavior

[frozensprouts]

I was talking with some friends the other day and we were discussing affairs ( they know about what went on between my husband and myself) . They were wondering why when my husband's ex other woman was making a general pain the rear out of herself, I didn't go after her "full force" ...kind of give her back as good as I got. I hadn't done that...instead i let her annoy me until I couldn't take it more, and even then I still kept my reaction to the minimum I could that would get her to leave us alone.

( turns out, she messed her life up much worse than I ever could have)

 

This made me wonder. Do other men/women have a reasonable cause to expect that the betrayed spouse in their situation should leave them alone and not try and insert themselves into their life in a negative way ( I'm not talking about anything illegal )

 

The way I see it, it's like spraying water on a honest nest. If you're going to do that, you'd better expect the hornets will get angry and react. If you don't want to get stung, it's best if you spray your hose elsewhere. I'm not saying that I think it's a good idea for a betrayed spouse to get like that, rather, I'm saying that if they do, I could totally understand it. Why should they feel that they have to just go to the corner and take whatever comes their way?. ( but really, it's far better to take the "high road" and handle yourself with dignity and grace. there's really not much to gain by lashing out)

[threebyfate]

I've wondered about this for many, many years of why the two who displayed the worst behaviour (WS and OP), expect that the person they've f*cked around, would display perfect behaviour.

 

It finally occurred to me. Madonna/whore.

[frozensprouts]

seems kind of odd that both may expect to be treated well by the one who they treated so badly.

[waterwoman]

Do they expect it? To be treated well? H keeps telling me how amazed he is that I have behaved with such restraint. I dont know what OW wants apart from the fact she wishes I didn't exist

 

I must admit I feel that people do need to try to rein in their extreme emotions on all sides as 'letting it rip' tends to have unpleasant consequences. In my case OW is looking more and more like a loon - a fact which is doing a fantastic job of making H wonder what the f*** he saw in her in the first place. I tend to carry on acting as calmly as possible - if she carries on her low-level hassle she'll have both of us to deal with as a united front. No need (so far) for extreme action.

 

What I find more upsetting than crazy behaviour is the attempts at justification after the affair - the BS was responsible for the affair because she/he got fat/lazy/didn't want sex enough/didn't communicate (delete as appropriate). That is adding insult to injury.

[seren]

I have shared before how the OW asked for my help when her H found out from someone and beat her up. I helped her and her son to find a place in a hostel and yet she still went on to harrass me and do some pretty nasty stuff. I moved 300 miles away, the reason I moved is that I am a simmering pot type of person and my profession demands that I have a squeaky clean kind of lifestyle, TBH, I couldn't trust myself not to lash out if provoked much further. It didn't change things and some 5 yrs later, still does the odd phone call and hang up. I do recall saying to her that if she continued I would take her life apart bit by bit. But know myself and know that my natural inclination is to help rather than hurt.

 

I didn't poke the hornet's nest because once D Day happened and the first few days over, I concentrated my energies to my marriage and she was just an annoying little hornet, retaliating would have lowered my values and maybe if poked too much I would have been forced to exterminate the nest! I knew I could cause untold damage to her life, but chose not to, not all for her, mostly for me and my H and son. It was the choice that swung it for me, my life, my choice. I think my not reatliating puzzled and made her realise what sort of person I was.

 

I do think that as BS we are labelled and there are numerous posts that say how we put up with infidelity, force people to stay the stereotypes are myriad, but, when it comes down to it, I just couldn't bring myself to hurt another, even if I could. That, I suppose, is for me, the mark of my line in the sand. My profession would have enabled me to make all sorts of waves for her with far reaching consequences, I just figured she was hurt too and felt sorry for her. I understood hurt, just couldn't bring myself to hurt another, just because I could. My actions had to be acceptable to me and me alone, probably selfish, but if not hurting someone is selfish, then I wish more people would act selfishly. It's the outrage many OW/OM feel when knowing there is an OOW/OOM that throws me everytime, that doesn't compute at all. It seems that often all bets are off then and I wonder why that makes such a difference. This is not directed at any LS poster in particular.

[beenburned]

FS,

 

I just see it as stooping to their level. I am not like that, nor have I raised my children like that.

 

When my D's XH's OW went bunny boiler on ALL of them(even my grandchild),

she simply took out a RO on her. Then kicked him out and filed for divorce.

[frozensprouts]

I didn't retaliate either, but I could have. I could have completely ruined her life, but that's not who I am. I would have felt guilty about doing so, and in the end, it would have hut me every bit, if not more, than it hurt her. From a pragmatic point of view, what's the use in that?I'd already lost enough because of the affair...I wasn't going to lose myself too.

 

i just find it ironic that as a betrayed spouse, one is expected to show decent behavior to the two people who have participated in making them unhappy and turning their whole life upside down.

 

BTW...in my opening post, the hornets nest analogy meant the betrayed spouse is the hornets nest and the two involved in the affair are the two people who decide to get out their hose.

 

I some ways, I think a betrayed spouse is very much like the hornets nest. If left alone, it will be calm and quiet, minding it's own business...but if one is foolish enough to disturb it, then, logically, one would have to expect that there'll be a very negative reaction.

[skywriter]

seren, It's the outrage many OW/OM feel when knowing there is an OOW/OOM that throws me everytime, that doesn't compute at all. It seems that often all bets are off then and I wonder why that makes such a difference. This is not directed at any LS poster in particular.

 

I think you'd understand,(you are very openminded in my opinion) to some extent, if it was explained properly. I may consider starting a thread on the OM/OW section, someday.

[skywriter]

I read 2 sunny's post on another thread and this is one of many indications as to why we OW can be outraged. Thanks in advance 2 sunny and very good post by the way....sorry to t/j FS.

 

 

It's not bitter- you're right.... But it is true based on the things you've typed.

 

Makes one wonder if you were broke and couldn't give them a thing - would they stick around?

 

The fat remains - you haven't outright told your wife exactly what you're doing and you also haven't told the whole truth to all these other women.

 

You simply can't be totally honest = that might take away the excitement you crave, yes? The "secret" that's so fun to you but so degrading to these other women.

 

And IF they knew your truth - the whole truth - they might not stay.

 

But then you would just easily replace them with a new batch of players you could "omit your truth" to and start again.

 

They may not even like you - they may like the money - how could you know = you can't! And there's no truth in the basis for all those delusions.

 

Your foundation is built on quick sand without offering your truth of what's REALLY happening.

 

To the OP - this is the kind of crappy so called "relationship" a married man offers. Lies and deception based on "things he's not willing to tell you" - it will always leave you wondering why you handed over "YOUR peace of mind".

[angie2443]

seems kind of odd that both may expect to be treated well by the one who they treated so badly.

 

I don't think it seems odd. They are protecting themselves. I don't see why people who do something for themselves that they know is going to hurt others, would want punishment, of any kind, for what they did. I'm not making a statement of rather punishment is deserved or not. I just think it's logical, that, at least for many people who cheat, they would expect to be treated nicely after the affair is over. I guess I just see it as part of their mindset.

[Spark1111]

I sensed very strongly after dday that I had been maligned or misinterpreted and they were definitely TWO in delusion against one...unsuspecting me!

 

So I took my dog out of that fight.

 

If I had gone crazy, as I wanted to, I again felt it would be used to prop up their very poor opinion of me, as in...see? She IS unstable, nuts, wrong...and the devil horns would have continued to sit on my head, the halo on her's.

 

On a few occasions I felt my H was trying to bait into a fight so he and she could continue to believe in the rightness of their actions.

 

I refused to play that game. I wished them well, offered to amicably divorce, told him I'm sure she is a nice person, told the kids to respect her and let's all move on.

 

Bit by bit I dismantled whatever negative views they had drummed up about me and what I would do.

 

However, with that being said, read the newspapers.....they are filled with violence and revenge upon the discovery of an affair.

 

I am not surprised! And no one else should be also. People in affairs are playing with fire.

[Spark1111]

I was also amazed at the lies he told intially to protect her!

 

And the first words out of his mouth? Please don't tell anyone!

 

And I told the world because I assumed he was working hard to stockpile funds to leave me for her, based on the text I intercepted, so I thought game over. Let's just divorce now.

 

I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

And he was angry, really angry, that I told some close friends and family members, but hey, I thought it was over for us so I know longer cared.

 

Actually, I was shocked he expected me to play nice and take the higher road and continue to protect his azz from his actions and grew upset I did not do so.

 

The OW? She took everything I did, (three phone calls) and ratcheted it up to high melodrama claiming I was vicious.

 

Okay, you all know the type....drama queen:mad:...so in retrospect, I am very glad I never engaged in craziness.

[Snowflower]

What gets me the most about the expected behavior of the BS is that no matter what the BS (I'm really talking about BW's) does or doesn't do, SHE CAN'T WIN!

 

If she confronts/contacts the OW, then the BW is shifting blame from her husband and is asking the wrong person.

 

If the BW acts angrily (nothing illegal or threatening-just angry) toward the OW, then the BW is bat-***** crazy and the MM was right about his awful wife.

 

But the one that really gets me, wait for it, is the BW (like me and some others here on this thread) who does take the high road, does not confront the OW, focuses on her marriage...then she is considered to be burying her head in the sand, in denial, or doesn't care and/or actually condones her WH's affair. I love it when I read stuff like that. It cracks me up!

 

ETA: I'm positive my H's xOW views me as weak and in denial because I refused to go down into that snake pit where she dwells.

[Spark1111]

What gets me the most about the expected behavior of the BS is that no matter what the BS (I'm really talking about BW's) does or doesn't do, SHE CAN'T WIN!

 

If she confronts/contacts the OW, then the BW is shifting blame from her husband and is asking the wrong person.

 

If the BW acts angrily (nothing illegal or threatening-just angry) toward the OW, then the BW is bat-***** crazy and the MM was right about his awful wife.

 

But the one that really gets me, wait for it, is the BW (like me and some others here on this thread) who does take the high road, does not confront the OW, focuses on her marriage...then she is considered to be burying her head in the sand, in denial, or doesn't care and/or actually condones her WH's affair. I love it when I read stuff like that. It cracks me up!

 

ETA: I'm positive my H's xOW views me as weak and in denial because I refused to go down into that snake pit where she dwells.

 

Great post Snow!

 

It's a lose, lose, lose no matter what we do or how we act. Someone will always judge we were too crazy, or too weak, or too uncaring, or in denial.

[Furious]

I never contacted the OW, but I did contact her husband, turned out they were recently seperated, he had filed for divorce because he'd caught her cheating with an old boyfriend, he did not know of her involvement with my husband.

 

We exchanged what information we both had, he confronted her and then told the old boyfriend, who she was now living with, showing him the evidence. Within days the old boyfriend kicked her out, and she moved in with her parents.

 

Ironically, the OW called me in a rage, telling me I had no right to interfere in her life.

[eleanorrigby]

But the one that really gets me, wait for it, is the BW (like me and some others here on this thread) who does take the high road, does not confront the OW, focuses on her marriage...then she is considered to be burying her head in the sand, in denial, or doesn't care and/or actually condones her WH's affair. I love it when I read stuff like that. It cracks me up!

 

Or it's said that the BW is trying to "Plan B" or "Fireproof" him and manipulate him with kindness.

[96nole]

I never contacted the OW, but I did contact her husband, turned out they were recently seperated, he had filed for divorce because he'd caught her cheating with an old boyfriend, he did not know of her involvement with my husband.

 

We exchanged what information we both had, he confronted her and then told the old boyfriend, who she was now living with, showing him the evidence. Within days the old boyfriend kicked her out, and she moved in with her parents.

 

Ironically, the OW called me in a rage, telling me I had no right to interfere in her life.

 

You bitch!!! :lmao::lmao:

[Snowflower]

Or it's said that the BW is trying to "Plan B" or "Fireproof" him and manipulate him with kindness.

 

Yes, I had forgotten those. You bring up valid points. I've seen that mentioned where the bw is trying to trick her h into staying by being kind.

[96nole]

What gets me the most about the expected behavior of the BS is that no matter what the BS (I'm really talking about BW's) does or doesn't do, SHE CAN'T WIN!

 

If she confronts/contacts the OW, then the BW is shifting blame from her husband and is asking the wrong person.

 

If the BW acts angrily (nothing illegal or threatening-just angry) toward the OW, then the BW is bat-***** crazy and the MM was right about his awful wife.

 

But the one that really gets me, wait for it, is the BW (like me and some others here on this thread) who does take the high road, does not confront the OW, focuses on her marriage...then she is considered to be burying her head in the sand, in denial, or doesn't care and/or actually condones her WH's affair. I love it when I read stuff like that. It cracks me up!

 

ETA: I'm positive my H's xOW views me as weak and in denial because I refused to go down into that snake pit where she dwells.

 

Well, in all actuality, it applies to the BH as well.

 

-I got mad and threw her out of the house (not physically). What a jerk I am.

-I talked and screamed at the dirtbag on the phone. See how crazy I am and why she had to cheat.

-Because I didn't confront him (because I would have crashed his skull in and would end up in jail) Now I'm a pussy. Which he posted on facebook several times.

 

So no matter what I did or could have done, it would have been turned around on me to make me look like the crazy, unstable, unloving, violent, bastard that she had to run away from.

 

For all BS's, it truly is the no win situation.

[mercy]

I never contacted the OW, but I did contact her husband, turned out they were recently seperated, he had filed for divorce because he'd caught her cheating with an old boyfriend, he did not know of her involvement with my husband.

 

We exchanged what information we both had, he confronted her and then told the old boyfriend, who she was now living with, showing him the evidence. Within days the old boyfriend kicked her out, and she moved in with her parents.

 

Ironically, the OW called me in a rage, telling me I had no right to interfere in her life.

 

The nerve of you! How dare you! I'm just outraged!

 

[mercy]

I never understood her hate and anger towards me. I thought shouldn't this be me ranting and raging at her. It was odd.

 

She just didn't matter to me, she was unimportant. What was important to me was reconciling with h. I wasn't about to allow her to define me or my marriage.

 

Oh, to be honest there were a few times that I wanted to pull her hair.

 

But then I'd think with the way she's acting it must really suck to be her. Then my feelings went to pity.

 

Oddly enough h and bh became very close. Enough time passed that I just looked at him as another one of h's many buddies. I knew the day he became just one of the guys when we looked at each other without that look.

[mercy]

Re: Anger at the BS from om/ow.

 

Just as the bulk of the anger from the BS is sometimes directed toward the ow/om instead of the spouse, I would think that applies to some extent in regards to the ow/om misplacing their anger at the BS.

 

No matter which side of the fence you are on......anger is a natural reaction to finding out you've been played for a fool. (Yes I know that ow/om shouldn't fall into that trap of believing a cheater but they do.)

 

Well, she slept with my h, anger understood right? But what did I have to do with her?

[Spark1111]

I never understood her hate and anger towards me. I thought shouldn't this be me ranting and raging at her. It was odd.

 

She just didn't matter to me, she was unimportant. What was important to me was reconciling with h. I wasn't about to allow her to define me or my marriage.

 

Oh, to be honest there were a few times that I wanted to pull her hair.

 

But then I'd think with the way she's acting it must really suck to be her. Then my feelings went to pity.

 

Oddly enough h and bh became very close. Enough time passed that I just looked at him as another one of h's many buddies. I knew the day he became just one of the guys when we looked at each other without that look.

 

That is how I came to feel about the OW in my sitch.

 

It sucks to be her. How lonely and vulnerable must you be to target MM, but blame your xH for his infidelity and carry a bitterness in your heart for years and years later?

 

His was the rare exit affair and by all accounts, he is happily married with a new family. She is still alone, hopefully not trawling for her next father figure(MM).

 

To hate me just says she is still blaming all others for what is ailing her in her misery.

 

I feel sorry for her today. And yet, even though I wanted to pull her hair, I took the high road and treated her with kindness.

 

I have many, many reasons to be proud of that today.

[Spark1111]

Well, she slept with my h, anger understood right? But what did I have to do with her?

 

Lady Grey, you know that level of deception and the pain it causes.

 

It is much harder to wrap my head around a person who knowingly engages with a MP, I do not care who lies to who, and then claim foul and hurl anger at the unknowing, unsuspecting spouse who was just living their life faithful and devoted.

 

The biggest lies are the ones the APs tell THEMSELVES, IMHO.

 

So when I was subjected to her blame and anger, I could only scratch my head and feel pity.

 

On some level, she wanted, no needed, to believe the lies to continue the affair.

 

Self-delusion......balmed on me.

 

That's pitiful.

[Spark1111]

I never contacted the OW, but I did contact her husband, turned out they were recently seperated, he had filed for divorce because he'd caught her cheating with an old boyfriend, he did not know of her involvement with my husband.

 

We exchanged what information we both had, he confronted her and then told the old boyfriend, who she was now living with, showing him the evidence. Within days the old boyfriend kicked her out, and she moved in with her parents.

 

Ironically, the OW called me in a rage, telling me I had no right to interfere in her life.

 

Now if that isn't the height of narcissistic self-delusion, I do not know what is!!!!!

 

As if she was entitled to more consideration, respect and privacy in her betrayal of two men and one wife than you were in your marriage.

 

Boggles the rational mind, doesn't it?