A question of acceptable behavior

[Furious]

Now if that isn't the height of narcissistic self-delusion, I do not know what is!!!!!

 

As if she was entitled to more consideration, respect and privacy in her betrayal of two men and one wife than you were in your marriage.

 

Boggles the rational mind, doesn't it?

 

 

I'm sure she will continue on her path of ruining lives. When I discussed her behavior in IC my therapist said she fits the histrionic personalty disorder.

[Spark1111]

I'm sure she will continue on her path of ruining lives. When I discussed her behavior in IC my therapist said she fits the histrionic personalty disorder.

 

Many do!

 

That rage, contempt, exxagerated superiority, lack of empathy, competition with the spouse, vengeful towards their own spouse, xspouse, or BS....

 

Yep! One of the cluster b disorders. Very, very common in affairs.

 

Some are just weak, insecure, depressed or lonely or mid=life crisising (a form of depression mixed with fear of one's own mortality.)

 

This group has remorse and a conscience.

 

Cluster Bs? Nope, not one whit.

[Spark1111]

The lies we tell ourselves.........yes, those are usually the biggest and the most hurtful, when we go against our belief system or rationalize.

 

Often times the anger is then misdirected, most people aren't good with feeling anger at themselves. Perhaps........that explains a lot of anger that is heaped on someone else who doesn't deserve it.

 

 

Yet.......I say this with the upmost respect. Your hubby lied to the ow, led her on, future faked. She didn't want to accept it, didn't want to believe it, so she had to blame you, instead of him or herself. Some part of her had to know how foolish she was to believe him in the first place and her anger was directed outward instead of inward, wrongly but yet it was.

 

Absolutely true!

 

And 2 weeks after DDAY, after I had thrown him out, and he is now crying at her kitchen table about how much he wanted to go back to me, she was STILL calm and supportive and empathetic to him!

 

Why?

 

If she believed the lies and the future-faking and his confused deception, I will never understand why that woman wasn't smashing plates over his head in that kitchen. She should have been! I was hurling china when he was at my table begging to reconcile!

 

So why pretend to be all sweetness and kindness and understanding and save up all the anger and comtempt and rage and level it at me more than two years later? Tell HIM off, not me.

 

Either you don't have an authentic core, or you suppress your true feelings to what aim?

[waterwoman]

I really get upset by all the BS-blaming that happens. On here and on other sites I visit.

 

1. From OW and OM and WS. Saying that it was the BS fault that the infidelity happened because they weren't good enough in some way.

 

2. From other BS's when they decide to stay and reconcile. Or reconcile to soon or go about it the wrong way etc.

 

3. From everyone when they get mad with the other AP - and let's face it, it is natural to do so to a certain extent.

 

On another site my discoveries leading up to D-day were relayed in real time almost - I needed support and didn't want to let any rl friends now at the time. Every thing I posted was followed by 'He's lying!' or 'FFS you don't beleive that do you' and when I tried to remain calm and act rationally I was told it was bound to be much worse than I thought and that in fact he didn't love me at all and was bound to be intending to leave me for OW etc. All in order to make me 'see sense' and ostensible to help me When there was no evidence of that at all! Massive amounts of projection that became more and more hurtful to someone already in a delicate state of mind. And then when I did start to get angry and turned some of that rage on OW (someone I knew and who knew me!) I was instantly ripped to shreds because it wasn't her fault it was his entirely.

Bullsh*t IMO - it takes two!

 

It seems that D-Day is only the start of the punishment for BS. I have been made by some people to feel inadequate, weak, naive and stupid time and time again. I don't understand why people act that way.

[Spark1111]

Very wise assessment, Lady Grey! Very wise....

[Snowflower]

Well, in all actuality, it applies to the BH as well.

 

-I got mad and threw her out of the house (not physically). What a jerk I am.

-I talked and screamed at the dirtbag on the phone. See how crazy I am and why she had to cheat.

-Because I didn't confront him (because I would have crashed his skull in and would end up in jail) Now I'm a pussy. Which he posted on facebook several times.

 

So no matter what I did or could have done, it would have been turned around on me to make me look like the crazy, unstable, unloving, violent, bastard that she had to run away from.

 

For all BS's, it truly is the no win situation.

 

96, thanks for your insight. I didn't realize it happened as much to BH too. I always thought that the OM would just gloat about how he lured a wife away from her husband.

 

But like you posted, no matter what you could have done you would have been demonized. If you had tried to confront him just to talk or get your side of the story out there (not violently), it still would have been turned around on you.

 

I guess the only thing a BS can really do is hand over their spouse and divorce quickly and quietly while giving in to everything their WS wants. Lol, yeah right!

 

Oh but wait, then the BS who left/divorced this way would be called unloving and uncaring because they just walked away without a fight. It could be played off as, "See, my darling MM/MW, your spouse never really loved you anyway. At the first sign of trouble, they hurried off and divorced you. They must have really wanted to get away from you."

 

A BS just can't win!

[96nole]

96, thanks for your insight. I didn't realize it happened as much to BH too. I always thought that the OM would just gloat about how he lured a wife away from her husband.

 

But like you posted, no matter what you could have done you would have been demonized. If you had tried to confront him just to talk or get your side of the story out there (not violently), it still would have been turned around on you.

 

I guess the only thing a BS can really do is hand over their spouse and divorce quickly and quietly while giving in to everything their WS wants. Lol, yeah right!

 

Oh but wait, then the BS who left/divorced this way would be called unloving and uncaring because they just walked away without a fight. It could be played off as, "See, my darling MM/MW, your spouse never really loved you anyway. At the first sign of trouble, they hurried off and divorced you. They must have really wanted to get away from you."

 

A BS just can't win!

 

I did have a conversation with dirtbag on the phone after the first time she cheated. It didn't get too heated but words were said. Finally he said that "he would be the bigger man and step back." But less than a year later my lovely bride threw that back in my face by saying he was the bigger man because he did step back. But that I didn't do what I was supposed to do and that was to make her feel special every day, treat her like a queen every day, make her feel like she was on a pedestal everyday.

 

Every single thing I said after the second and final time I threw her out was turned around on me. She even turned things around because I didn't say it the way she thought I should have said it.

 

And yes he did brag about how he was able to lure a married woman away. The only reason I didn't confront him was because I knew I would tear him apart. There was a constant voice in the back of my head saying "you don't want to go to jail"

 

I saw a saying recently:

"If you get a married woman to cheat on her husband, you now have a woman who will cheat on her husband."

 

Oh and I did divorce quickly, but it wasn't quietly. I made sure she was served divorce papers at work in front of her boss and coworkers. Why not, that where she met the dirtbag.

 

In many ways the OP has it easy. All they have to say is the opposite of what the BS is saying. Or when the WS complains about the BS, the OP just has to say they would do the opposite. No matter what, the BS gets the short end of the stick.